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SATAN! · (11-19-2013)

Little Jimmy Flanigan was overflowing with excessive energy waiting with little patience for his best friend David to join his family for an evening of pizza, popcorn, and sword fights. I'm not talking about the steel killing machine fastened with sharp edges. Every boy above the age of nine knows EXACTLY what types of 'sword fights' I'm talking about here. The exact thing every nine year old boy does during a slumber party with his closest male friends.

SATAN! says: "Come on, don't try and act like you've never stood next to another boy, whipped out captain *winky*, and then proceeded to cross streams while standing over the toilet.

Don't act like you never pretended to be Egon Spengler and your friend was imaginary Peter Venkman trying to catch Slimer in the dining room of some extravagant hotel.

Don't act like you never pretended your dick was a light saber and the only way to turn it on was to....

I better digress faster than a Peter Gilmour promo..."

Little Jimmy sat cross legged on the floor peering deeply into a television screen full of nothing but static and a very low fuzz faintly buzzing in the background. Almost like a massive wasp nest was located on the other side of the wall the television was propped against. A muffled buzzing sound. The television wasn't one of those fancy new HDMI super broadcasting 3D mega devices that you pathetic slobs are used to vicariously living out your own fantasies through on a daily basis. (This includes all you Honey Boo Boo fans especially.) It was more like one of those old time television sets with the clumpy fat end that constantly falls off and HUGE mega dials on the front. These two dials would rotate around when twisted and would 'flip' the channels or the volume to a different broadcast or level. Jimmy stood up from his indian squat and proceeded to stretch forward far enough so that he could spin the dials...

He tried the first channel..

6

Nothing seemed to change so he thought it best to try again with the next channel...

6

Damnit! Still nothing! Once more... You guessed it...

6

It was his last attempt as the dial would go no further and upon further inspection he notices that MIRACULOUSLY! there are only 3 volume levels as well?

Wanna guess what those might be?

Jimmy Flanigan: "Fuck it!"

Probably the worst feeling in the world is getting caught saying the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Jimmy's mother walked around the corner holding a steaming hot pizza pie in her left hand and a machete in her right.

Mrs. Flannigan: "JIMMY! Should I just call David's mother and tell her he needs to stay home tonight!"

Jimmy: "Please mommy! No!"

Mrs. Flanigan: "Then assume the position of punishment and proceed with proper proctology."

She proclaims as she sets the pizza on the coffee table next to Jimmy and the machete on the ground leaning against the end of the couch. Jimmy stands up. Pulls down his pants vigorously. Bends over. Then proceeds to spank himself repetitively and in a very aggressive manner.

Jimmy: "SWEARING! (spank!) IS! (spank!) BAD! (spank!)

Jimmy alternates spanks with words until his mother nods while lighting up one of those extra long cigarettes dangling off a metal rod that is used to keep your hand furthest away from the smell of the cancer stick. She exhales a smoke ring around her son and proclaims.

Mrs. Flanigan: "You're almost as good as you're father at that."

Jimmy: "Thanks mom."

SATAN! says: "Look, I know what you're thinking right about now. This is some pretty twisted stuff you're witnessing right now, but don't worry. I promise that things will only get worse the further we go along. You have my word, and that's like equivalent to the word of god or something."

At that exact moment the awkward moment is interrupted by the doorbell.

Jimmy: "DAVID!"

Mrs. Flanigan: "Easy now son, don't get your panties in a bundle."

This metaphorical saying plays no factor in this actual statement being made at this time. Due in part that Jimmy was in fact, wearing panties. This is dually noted here in the story when he pulls his pants back up while rushing to answer the door. Jimmy trips over one of his pants legs and lands face first into the oak wood floor with his nose. Jimmy can't help but blurt out while the immense pain overtakes his emotions...

Jimmy: "FUCK!"

Mrs. Flanigan: "JIMMY! Not even five minutes later and we're back at it again! Well, you know the drill."

Jimmy lets out a sigh of his own disappointment and assumes the same position by pulling down his frilly pink lace thong and bending over once again. Before Jimmy can continue with his own punishment once again, the door comes flying off it's hinges as David burst onto the scene like the Kool Aid guy.

Is his immediate response to shudder at the site of his best friends ass?

Not exactly.

David: "SWEARING! (spank!) IS (spank!) BAD! (spank!)

How Jimmy's best friend knew to use those exact words and how to administer the spanking without witnessing the 'proper punishment' earlier is disturbing indeed. An awkward bond for a pair of nine year old friends perhaps?

Mrs. Flanigan: "Well boys, I need to get back to watching "To Catch a Predator" on the World News channel six hundred and sixty six. I'll leave the pizza here on the coffee table. Just make sure you put the machete back in the sink when you're done cutting it."

Mrs. Flanigan puts her cigarette out directly in the center of the pizza. Thinking nothing of it, she waddles down the hallway and back into some unseen room.

David: "You're mom is so hot dude."

Jimmy: "I know, right?"

Jimmy smiles at David with a grin the size of the Chesire Cats. It was like he just offered him the biggest compliment in his life.

David: "As much as we both know we could sit here talking about how hot your mom is all night..."

Jimmy interrupts him quickly in mid sentence to solidify that he agrees with him wholeheartedly.

Jimmy: "Right..."

David continues on as if expecting him to do what he just did.

David: "I think we should check out this sweet video game that this anorexic, long blonde haired bum drinking vodka gave me."

Jimmy: "NO WAY! Free video games dude!"

David: "Yeah,6,dude!"

Jimmy: "Yeah,6,dude!"

David: "Yeah,6,dude!"

Jimmy picked up the machete and started cutting the pizza haphazardly with long drawn out strokes as if he were using a real pizza cutter. His eyes and attention were focused on this supposed video game that David was about to unveil.

Jimmy: "SIMON! fuckin' says!"

Jimmy lowers his voice and tucks his shoulders back as if cowering in the anticipation of his mother's voice scolding him from the back room but it never came about. She usually keeps to herself during 'To Catch a Predator.' David just smiles at Jimmy and is met with a smile right back from David.

Jimmy: "After SIMON! says..."

David: "After SIMON! says..."

The punishment ritual for Jimmy's swearing again was to be postponed.

David reaches for a slice of pizza and takes an enormous bite filling his entire mouth with pizza and chewing it slowly with his cheeks bursting at the seams.

Jimmy: "Where do I put the batteries?"

David: "That's the best part dude, it doesn't even need any batteries."

David squelched out of his mouth while trying to gnaw on the pizza in his mouth. Jimmy is still fiddling with the game and trying to make it work while David has finally finished chewing. He turns his face up and lifts his eyebrows as if he just ingested sour milk.

David: "This pizza kinda tastes like ashes dude?"

Jimmy: "Yeah, that's what my mom serves me every night after she has her nightly cigarette."

David seems to just brush this off as they both now continue eating pizza and diverting their attention back to the video game.

Jimmy: "Fire that baby up. I'm bout to school you in colors and numbers foo'."

Without some type of power button this task seems nearly impossible, until a voice out of nowhere but seemingly somehow coming from directly above them begins to speak.

SIMON! says: "Hi friend. Who wants to play SIMON! says?"

David: "ME!"

SIMON! says: "OK David. Press the red button."

Jimmy: "Whoa, how did it know your name dude?"

Before Jimmy finishes his statement, David had already pressed the red button. The game sparkled and light up into a seizure of different colors and rotations like some kind of disco ball.

SIMON! says: "You have selected 6. Please do 6 jumping jacks."

David stands up and begins to perform the first jumping jack. Midway through his first jump he is interrupted...

SIMON! says: "Beeeeeeeep! Beeeeeeep! Beeeeeep! SIMON! didn't say! SIMON! didn't say! SIMON! didn't say! Game Over! Player 2's turn!"

Jimmy: "Ha! You suck dude. Hand it over."

David passes the hand held game to Jimmy.

SIMON! says: "Press the blue button!"

Jimmy obliges and awaits the response for a delayed reaction from the game. Taking significantly longer to compute then the time before.

SIMON! says: "You have selected 6. Run around the house 6 times."

Jimmy stands in the living room smiling with a proud and confident look on his face.

Jimmy: "Not this time SIMON! You can't get me that easily."

SIMON! says: "Round 2. A new record!"

Jimmy: "You hear that David, I just set the record."

David looks jealous and diverts his attention to a noise behind him at just the wrong time.

SATAN! says: "You have selected 6. SIMON! says Kill your best friend with a machete and drink his blood to wash down the pizza."

With the machete already in hand, it took little time for Jimmy to complete this unusual task with a nice little thing I like to call 'decapitation.' With the blood now squirting across the ceiling from David's neckhole randomly and in all sorts of directions thanks to Jimmy's machete cutting skills (see pizza for reference). With David's quick death accomplished by staying aHEAD of amputation, Jimmy was able to easily collect the squirting blood by the aid of an ash tray that was conveniently located underneath the pizza box. Jimmy sits on the couch while David's head rests between his feet. Uncontrollably blinking for the last few times as Jimmy finished his final bite of pizza. Which he then washed down with a warm pint of children's blood just as...

SIMON! says: "Round 3! New record!"

Jimmy: "Yes! Finally I got the high score!"

SATAN! says: "You have selected 6, SIMON! says mother fucker!"

Jimmy knows he heard what SIMON! said, but I don't think he fully understands what's he's asking?

SATAN! says: "You have selected 6, SIMON! says mother fucker!"

Jimmy thinks on this a bit longer, but finally nods and smiles as if he now understood. He begins making his way back to his mother's bedroom. He walks back into darkness where he is no longer visible and the only sound is that of a door opening and the voice of Mrs. Flanigan.

Mrs. Flanigan: "What is it you want, I'm trying to masturbate to Chris Hanson!"

Mrs. Flanigan: "Jimmy, put that away! Go play swords with your friend!"

The last sounds before the static across your screen and the low fuzzing sound takes over is the blood curdling screams of Mrs. Flanigan NOT having an orgasm.

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