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Dr. Zero · (11-07-2013)

"Hello, Dr. Zero. Thank you for accepting our invitation for this interview,” said Barbara Walters to the villain of our story.

Dr. Zero sat, rather stiffly, in an even stiffer chair in front of the elderly icon of the interviewing world. He wasn’t one to slouch, but the starch in his suit wouldn’t have allowed it even if he had been. He was letting the world know exactly who he was today, and dammit…He wanted to look spiffy.

“The pleasure is all mine, Ms. Walters. Thank you for having me. It was very kind of you to send the invitation,” Dr. Zero cooly told her.

If Barbara had been put off at all by Dr. Zero’s appearance, the stiff yellow suit and chicken-like head, she sure wasn’t showing it. Barbara Walters is known for her poker face. That and her ability to drink a sailor under the table.

Barbara Walters is a bad bitch, is what this narrator is trying to convey. I digress.

“Well, Dr. Zero, it is always interesting to be able to learn about someone such as yourself. From what I can understand, yours is a rags-to-riches story the likes of which have never been heard of. You say you were a literal chicken that was used in horrific science experiments, you mutated…,”

“Evolved,” corrected Dr. Zero.

“Err…Evolved, and eventually became the Overlord of Parts Unknown?” she asked.

“That is correct,” he replied.

“Now, we’ve researched this, and we haven’t been able to locate Parts Unknown. Why is that?”

“Ahh, the age-old question. ‘Where is Parts Unknown?’ The answer would destroy the place, would it not? That’s not something you want in an Overlord or any ruler of anywhere, is it? By informing you of where Parts Unknown is, it becomes Parts Known. I’m not bothered by the question, though. I can tell you it’s somewhere between Clayton GA and Abell 3574.” The doctor immediately knew that he had said too much. It’s a good thing he was the Overlord.

“That’s…Interesting. What is life like in Parts Unknown? It’s said that you are quite eccentric, yourself. What about your people?”

“’People’ is a bit politically incorrect, Ms. Walters. I would respectfully request an apology,” he told her. She humbly did as requested.

“Thank you. The citizens of my great city are a very diverse lot. It takes skill and ambition to keep them all in line. It’s a good thing I have both. Things can get quite hairy pretty quickly for the rest of the Universe if they’re not kept that way.”

“How so?” Barbara wondered if there had been any incidents.

“Well, for example, just last summer before my coup, the acting city council had gone on vacation and Beelzebarry the Insatiable just didn’t come back from lunch when he was on the job cleaning City Hall. He ate Oregon.”

“There are no records of that happening,” Barbara foolishly pointed out.

“Of course not,” said Dr. Zero. “When the council reconvened, the first matter on the docket was how they would fix Oregon. Mildred Farlong, a…witch?...A very powerful entity, indeed, created a new one. The Oregon that rests in the United States today and all of the people therein are mere copies of what was once there.”

“That’s unbelievable!” Excitedly exclaimed Barbara Walters, as evidenced by this narrator’s clever use of punctuation. “Can we move on, sir?”

“Certainly, ma’am,” said Dr. Zero, respectful as always.

“What was life like for a little chick stuffed in a cage? How did it feel to know your sole purpose in life was to be toyed with to see how you would respond?". There it was. Barbara Walters was trying to water the tear-holes. Dr. Zero would have none of it.

“I knew from the beginning, Ms. Walters, that my sole purpose was much grander than being poked and prodded by those fools. I simply had not developed the facilities to facilitate my grander vision. The great Dr. Zero may have appeared to the outsider a mere baby chick…But he was always Dr. Zero. As for the cage, even now, I am stuffed in a cage. Until my ultimate goal is realized, that is where I will be.”

“And just what is that ‘ultimate goal’, Dr. Zero?”

“Galactic conquest. Beginning with the conquest, which is moving quite rapidly mind you, of the XWF.”

Barbara rolled her eyes. The motion did not go unnoticed. Dr. Zero’s blood pressure rose, but he had an excellent poker face, himself.

“How do you feel about the competitors in the XWF?” she asked him.

“Plebeians. However, I have been pleased with my pairings so far. Steve Davids is an excellent partner to have, and I believe that my plan shall move forward with no hindrances this week as in the last few.”

“How do you suppose they feel about you, Dr. Zero? These ‘plebeians’ probably don’t like being paired with a chicken. I mean, why would a person paid to fight, want to even be paired with something that is known to run at the sign of any sort of conflict.”

That was it. The straw that broke the chicken’s back. The insult would not stand.

Dr. Zero stood quickly, his chair flipping over behind him, his yellow suit creaking.

“SPECIESIST!” he shouted as he pulled a weapon from his jacket, blasting Barbara Walters with a laser. She was instantly vaporized. The TV crew fled, and some began to call the police.

Dr. Zero was immediately flanked by his Minions who escorted him to the entrance of the hotel…where he exited. Dr. Zero cares not for societal norms! The police greeted him, weapons drawn.

“DROP YOUR WEAPON! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!” shouted the policemen along with several other clichés.

Dr. Zero flipped a switch on his weapon and slid it to the police. As it got to them, it disintegrated. Less than 10 seconds later, a hovercraft not much larger than a conversion van flew overhead and extended a long, shiny staircase.

“STEP AWAY FROM THE…THING!” shouted the police.

“I’m quite sorry, my dear chaps. You won’t be taking me today. Among all of my other abilities, I also possess…DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Dr. Zero and his Minions boarded the craft and flew off.

Back home.

To Parts Unknown.
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