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Dr. Zero · (10-26-2013)

Late in the evening, all of the televisions in Parts Unknown switched simultaneously to an unnumbered channel. Dr. Zero, their newest city councilman and overlord was peering that the citizens through their sets. He was flanked on all sides by his devoted, devious minions.

"Ladies, gentlemen, monstrosities, abominations, specters...plebeians...It is I, your kind, and generous ruler...Dr. Zero. This will be the first of many public service announcements that I will use to address you all. Today, we discuss a matter near and dear to me...SCIENCE. You see, it has been brought to my attention that many of you poor, deluded fools disregard science in favor of whatever superstitious belief you so hopelessly cling to. Just a few days ago, the city was forced to clean up a voo-doo priest who had previously dined in my humble abode, as a matter of fact. We, as a progressive society, can no longer subscribe to these silly notions. We are not children. I understand, that there are hurdles that you see before you in order to get over this nonsense, and that is why I am before you today."

Dr. Zero adjusts his tie and a minion hands him a glass of water.

"Thank you, Number 16. Science is a beautiful thing. Science can tell us where we have been, where we are going, and how we will get there. Science can and does explain why we all behave the ways in which we do. It teaches us that, in order to survive as a species, mankind had to develop codes of conduct. If they all went around killing one another all willy-nilly, the species would have never survived. 'You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours,' is how we all got here. Much like birds in the wild. There's no reason one bird would preen another. It gets nothing out of it, does it? He's simply showing a touch of empathy to another. Or is he? 'Nay,' says science. The bird knows that by preening his fellow mate, he will be preened in turn and be relieved of whatever ails him. Humans behave the same way. 'What about evil, Dr. Zero? What about those that do not contribute or murder or rape?' you may find yourself asking. I'm happy you asked."

The minions scatter as Dr. Zero sips the water, spins around and sits dramatically in a very expensive leather chair one of the minions slid underneath him. He's nothing if not dramatic...and nefarious.

"There is no evil, citizens. Does that mean you can do what you wish? No, it does not. As I stated, in order for us all to prosper, we must get along. There is no evil according to science but according to your new, benevolent leader, there are plenty of actions that will cause you to be corrected. Murder, rape, thievery, hugs, kisses, and charity are all natural things that happen with every species and occasionally do serve a purpose. Murdering your neighbor serves no purpose, unless he is stealing all of your food. The act of your neighbor stealing your food, to you, may look wrong, but to him, it's perfectly justifiable because he is starving. Rape, while generally frowned upon by the more civilized among us could, in fact, be the key to survival to a species of lesser creatures on the verge of extinction. Hugs and kisses may lead to propagation of your species, and charity will lead to poor individuals that cannot take care of themselves not learning to and staying put. The meek shall inherit the dirt, I always say. I digress...Citizens of Parts Unknown, do not rape, murder, or steal. If you do, I will return the favor. Moving on."

Dr. Zero motions with his hand after finishing his glass of water. Another minion swoops in to take it away.

"Do not deceive yourselves into believing that evolution does not exist, or that it cannot take hold quickly. I am before you, a shining light upon a hill as proof that evolution can and does produce things VASTLY superior to you. It wasn't long ago I was simply a foul foul bound to a cage. We have the ability to gaze at the stars," he says. "I mean, I have the ability to travel them, but that's another story. Plenty of you still believe in a creator, something stronger than yourself. And, believe it or not, I agree with you. You see, when light travels to us, it takes time to be seen. On average, sunlight reaches Earth in approximately 8 minutes. Meaning, if you were to look at the Sun, which I advise against, you would be looking back in time around 8 minutes. The farther away a celestial body is, the farther in time you are actually seeing. We here in the laboratory have recently discovered that, looking far enough, you actually can see the birth of the Universe. And at it's beginning?"

A minion steps into view with a photograph as large as Dr. Zero himself.
[Image: 43i2944h1.jpg]

"Are you surprised? Who, but Dr. Zero possesses the knowledge and skill to create something so intricate and vast? NO ONE ELSE!"

A group of minions step into view, all with their hands behind their backs.

"Why, science can even explain to us why Peter Gilmour is so out of shape. IT'S SIMPLE! Poor diet and a lack of exercise. TO SCIENCE!"

The minions reveal streamers and kazoos hidden behind their backs. They proceed to throw a party in the name of SCIENCE as the old Benny Hill music and Dr. Zero attempts the Pee Wee Herman Dance.

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