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Dr. Zero · (10-23-2013)

It was approximately 2:34:01 am when the seriously uncivilized civilians of Parts Unknown heard the ‘KLUNK’ come from Dr. Zero’s laboratory. At about 2:34:03 am, the screams, nearly creating a Doppler effect, could be heard as well. Even still, just at 2:34:58 am was the scattered ‘THUMP’s of several bodies hitting the ground. The rapscallion residents opened their eyes, then rolled back over to finish their night’s rest. The event didn’t exactly seem out of the ordinary in Parts Unknown.

What WAS out of the ordinary was who these bodies had previously been. These were 4 of the 7 city council members of Parts Unknown and the district attorney. Dr. Zero had graciously invited them into his dining hall and held a huge feast in their honor. The 5 saw it for what it was…Political posturing.

You see, since setting up shop, and for a long time before, Dr. Zero had grand goals. Galactic conquest, obviously, beginning with the XWF. Just because your hands are in one honeypot, though, is no reason to not dip your toes in another. That had been his motto…Well, not really, but let’s pretend. I mean, it paints the picture, right? Am I doing my job? I digress and am terrible at this, I realize. Please forgive this humble narrator.

You see, Dr. Zero had grown discontent with just one title before his name and he knew that if he did indeed want to rule the galaxy that he would need some experience besides running a secret, evil laboratory. He would need political experience. He wanted to become a city councilman in Parts Unknown. Possibly, one day, even becoming mayor.

One of the councilmen, a tall voo-doo priest with green, glowing eyes laughed in his face when he heard Dr. Zero’s aspirations. This prompted the others to chuckle, as well. The laughter is what led to them being ejected via catapult from the laboratory.

Their untimely demise was quite convenient for our diabolical doctor. Now there were 4 vacant slots on the council, instead of 1. Dr. Zero also noted that the remaining 3 would probably be much more inclined to endorse him in his bid now.

Dr. Zero put his minions to work for the rest of the evening printing enough flyers to make the Nazis that flew over England jealous. They ran out of paper and raided the local Parts Unknown Staples for more. After that resource expired, no tree in Parts Unknown was spared.

The locals woke up to find Dr. Zero's face plastered everywhere. On cars, light posts, windows, walls, billboards, toddlers, and one very pissed orc. All campaign pieces had the tagline: "Make Zero Your One". Dr. Zero had settled on that after a lengthy debate with his inner circle about whether or not it was more clever than "Make Zero Your Hero". Most of his minions liked the rhyming sound better, but the word "hero" had always carried trace amounts of vomit as it escaped from Dr. Zero's beak.

An emergency election was held to replace the deceased city councilmen. Dr. Zero wisely decided to place 3 of his grotesque minions on the ballot, as well. Whether due to fear or boredom, the public in Parts Unknown elected Dr. Zero, Minions Number 2, Number 73, and 31 to the city council in a landslide, effectively handing control of the city to Dr. Zero.

The local media descended upon the doctor’s press conference after the election. Dr. Zero took the podium, flanked by his minions.

“Friends, foes, plebeians...Thank you for this great honor. As your newest city councilman in this great sector of the multiverse we so lovingly call ‘Parts Unknown’, I, the great and benevolent Dr. Zero…COUNCILMAN Zero, hereby promise to do perform my duties to you with the dignity. No person or thing shall go unfed, unclothed, or unwashed unless they want to. The catch, and I will be straightforward with this…As city councilman, I believe the days of shady, backdoor dealings need to be eradicated. I will always strive to be transparent. The catch, as I was saying, is that, obviously, with myself and my minions, we now have majority control of Parts Unknown. No bill will be passed without MY express approval. I am hereby putting the remaining members of the council on notice. Soon, I shall have COMPLETE control! MWAHAHAHA!!! For ANYTHING to pass…For ANY of you lowly, pathetic creatures to get anything…YOU MUST SWEAR ALLEGIANCE TO ME!!! BOW DOWN, PLEBEIANS!!!”

The crowd, at first, rejects this proposal quite vocally. However, it’s not long before Dr. Zero’s minions vaporize a third of the audience and the remainder fall in line. Dr. Zero opens the forum for questions from the press.

First up is Pamela Phantasma from Channel 13 News. She asks, “Dr…Councilman Zero, what will be your first act as City Councilman?”

Dr. Zero adjusts his tie. “Well, Ms. Phantasma, I’m quite glad that you asked. My FIRST order of business will be to show the world, nay, THE GALAXY the superior might of Parts Unknown by destroying Eli James IV and his hefty ‘partner’ Peter Gilmour!”

Pamela maintains the microphone, “But, sir, isn’t Eli James IV also from Part Unknown?”

“FOOL! Have you ever SEEN him here!? He merely adopted the town name. You and I, we were born in it. Molded by it. He does indeed purport to be from Parts Unknown, but let’s face it…He’s clearly from West Virginia.”

Randall Von Boogiestein from Fox Channel 666 is next. “Sir, if I may ask, did you hear what Peter Gilmour said about you and, if so, what do you have to say in response?”

“I know he said something, but it’s extremely difficult to make out what he says. It’s almost as if his mouth is perpetually filled with hamburgers. Combine that with his heavy, asthmatic breathing and odd pronunciation anytime a word contains a ‘B’ and I’m at a loss. ‘Alexandruh Culluwuh uhs uh bwutch! Thuh buherries uh un thuh bwuhsket.’ No idea what he’s saying. I was told that he possibly accused me and several others of being unoriginal while simultaneously stealing insults directly from Chris Jericho’s Guide to Early 00’s Misogyny. All said, however, none of my communications technologies could decipher it. Next question?”

A tiny, horned fawn stood in the front row. He was a conservative blogger. “Dr. Zero, if I may, crime is on the rise here in Parts Unknown. How do you plan on cleaning up this city?”

Dr. Zero cackled. “MURRRRRRRDERRRRRRR!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

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