Brace yourselves, this may be long. For those that choose to read this, I thank you for allowing me to indulge myself in a sort of therapy I find both useful and helpful. A lot of you think I'm a pretty good writer and I appreciate that wholeheartedly. It truly means a lot to me. My personal opinion of my own work is just 'I dunno, I just write.'

It does, however, make it a little more worth while to know that many of you enjoy my writing. I just hope when some of you read my work, that I leave you wanting the next installment. That feeling is pretty rewarding. I've said it before, I write for me and no one else. If no one read my work, I'd still do it.

I enjoy writing. As it is with most of you, its a passion of mine I never plan to give up. Obviously, I write the saga of Sebastian Duke. He's a very dark and powerful man that finds comfort in very few things. He's largely unhappy. Very much like myself. At least in the unhappy department. While I do borrow a few real life aspects from myself and others I know and put them into my work, Sebastian Duke is a fictional character. That fact is pretty clear. At least I hope. I mean, we'd have real problems if I was really out there leading around 200 other men and killing pedophile catholic priests.

We all write for different reasons, and mine, at least in an out of character sense, I do it as a form of therapy. I know no other way to express myself. I'm not real good with words, verbally. It's kind of how I was raised. There was no expression of love or anything else for that matter, within my home. The only thing that was expressed was anger.

Misery loves company.

Earlier today, I told you all a little story. A story that showed the similarities between the real life Sean and the fictional television character Shawn Hunter.

I also mentioned how my best-friend and brother until the end led me to finding my wife. More accurately, ex-wife.

The truth is, her and I were never married. We were supposed to be. I wish we were, but we weren't married. Even still, I always refer to our time together as a marriage. Her, my ex-wife. My grandmother, who loved this girl very much, always said that the only thing missing was a little piece of paper that made it official.

She was and still very much is a woman I will love until the day I'm put in the ground. So much so, that I've completely given up on finding a 'replacement' for lack of a better word. I've tried. Believe me, I tried. Every woman I have met has been one big bag of crazy after another. Most of all, they weren't her. It might be unfair to them, you know, as in not even really giving them a chance. It is what it is. Why settle for anything less than the best? Believe me, she was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I try not to get too personal on the site, because at the end of the day, the game we play is our release. Our outlet. Our way to escape the everyday challenges of life and express ourselves and our creativity through writing.

Sometimes, I can't stop myself. Sometimes, I just feel an overwhelming need to open up a little. To lower my shield just a little bit and allow all of you, my dear friends in this online community, to catch a glimpse of the man, the real man behind the King of Darkness.

People say to let her go, move on, be happy. It's not that simple for me. I'm a pretty shy guy for the most part. It takes a long time for me to warm up and allow myself to actually be myself. I've been like that as long as I can remember.

Ashlee was different. I believe I was 17 when I met her. I'm getting older now, so small details like ages and years are beginning to escape my memory. She was the girlfriend of my best-friend. What was odd was that she spent more time hanging out with me than she did him. I was a rookie in that regard and I never did pick up on the hints that she dropped, if there really were any.

Like most teenage romances, they didn't last long. A month, maybe two, and it was all over. Her and I got along so well, constantly laughing together and at the dumbest things. I was so pissed off when she broke it off with him. What I'm unsure of is why I was pissed. Was it because she broke my friends heart? Or was it more selfish than that? Was it because I wouldn't get to hang out with her anymore? Initially, I thought it was the first reason. As time wore on I realized, it was the second.

I told her at one point that I did like her. I sought and received permission from the one, the only, Kevin to date her.

Again...

Teenage romance...

Didn't last...

I was so madly infatuated with her by this time that things got a little awkward between us at times. At one point I told her that if she ever wanted me that I'd drop whatever, and whoever for her.

I eventually moved on. Dated and moved in with another woman. That was a mistake. As time wore on, I came to realize that more and more that the woman I was sharing my life with was not the woman I was supposed to be with. It became clear to me not long after I started with Advance Auto Parts (may they burn in hell.) On my lunch break I took a ride over to the grocery store to pick up a sandwich and as I usually did, I went through the express line.

I remember thinking to myself that this girl (whose face I could not see) was freakin' beautiful. It wasn't until it was my turn to checkout that I realized just who this cashier was.

My Ashlee.

The same Ashlee from that short teenage fling a few years prior.

We were both with other people at the time,but still. Numbers were exchanged. I went back to work and I could not stop thinking about her.

During a phone conversation with her, secretly of course, she told me what I had longed to hear. She remembered the sweet, caring kid she fell for. She wanted that. I did as I promised. I dropped everything, including the girlfriend. Her and I became what I always knew we were meant to be, a full fledged couple. We were inseparable.

I was, and still am, very much in love with her. What her and I had, and in many ways, still have, is like something out of a fairy tale. Or one of those stupid sappy chick flicks she always made me watch.

Things went very well for the first three years. We moved in together. Spent holidays together with our families. Got engaged. Then something happened, and I'm not sure what. I'm not sure either of us could really put our finger on it.

We started to somehow drift apart. One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is the love never died. It is still alive and well even after nearly four years apart.

I became a miserable fucking bastard. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was a fear of actually being happy when all my life all I've really ever known was nothing but pain and misery. I don't know.

This woman, this best thing to ever happen in my life, the one I planned to spend the rest of my life with, the one I planned to start a family with, taught me that I can love another person, and also taught me how to be loved in return.

Things changed, and I blame myself. Anyone who actually reads this far might want to say 'hey, you can't blame yourself, it's a two way street.' Yeah, you're right, it's a two way street, but you know what, as fast as she drove toward me on that street, I drove twice as fast in the other direction.

It got bad near the end. We didn't speak two sentences to each other for around three weeks. One evening after she got home for work, it was time for a talk.

The dreaded question.

"Do you think we'd be better off as friends?"

Like a fucking idiot, I answered yes.

Hindsight, as they say, is twenty twenty. I could be wrong, but when I think back on it now, I'm almost certain she wanted me to say hell no. She wanted me to keep fighting against the current right along with her. Beside her. She wanted me to fight along with her to reform our relationship. I could be wrong, I don't know. Maybe she really did think it was over.

Like an idiot, I agreed to the split.

The biggest mistake of my life.

The one thing I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that at least we did part before we hated each other. Before we resented one another. Without any hate, at least there's still some hope left that maybe one day, I can get it all back.

I pushed her away from me and I realize that. I'm not the easiest man to please and sometimes, I think I'd react poorly to situations just because I could.

Until I draw my final breath of my miserable life, I will love this woman with every fiber of my body.

She's with another man now. A man that I can only assume treats her well. I hope. He damn well better. That's my woman he's with, and he damn sure better realize the kind of woman he has.

Truly beautiful. Inside and out. A rare quality in this day and age.

I'd never stand in the way of her pursuit of happiness, but you can bet your ass, if the opportunity should come up, I will go full throttle. I will try and reclaim my own happiness. Should I fail, at least I tried. I'd rather try and fail a million times than settle for someone else.

I don't really half ass anything. I guess its part of my blue collar upbringing. If you're gonna do a job, you may as well do it right.

If anyone made it this far, I appreciate you reading this. And thank you all for listening.

I made it that far. And now I know why you are one of the few men I get along with. You are a respectable man. And the fact that after all this time you still feel as strongly as that first moment, goes to show never give up hope. I fell for someone, hard might I add. Even though I shouldn't. I can just see he and I together, but I know that might never happen. Still, should he ever need my friendship, I'm right here. I'm sure he knows where to find me. Ever given the chance, I would move mountains to make him happy. I'd walk through the very fires of hell for him. But for now I remain the loyal and quiet friend.

So while this man and I never had anything, I can relate to how you feel.

Make me one promise... that you will never stop being a gentleman..no matter how tough shit gets.

Funny. I have a very similar life story up to a certain point.

Her name was Jennifer. (Heel Joy is loosely based off her)
And we met in the coolest way. Her dad was friends with my grandpa. So one day out of the blue, he tells me, and I remember his exact words, "I like you kid, You're a straight shooter. How would you like to meet my daughter?"


Now mind you, I had no idea what she looked like, I was expecting the worst. So a few days pass by. And I meet her and WOW! She's hot. Turns out she did some minor modeling stuff.


Uhh guys some advice if it isn't already obvious. Models are the most shallow fucking people ever, but she wasn't at first. She was cool, she flirted with me and everything, which was new to me, no girl really flirted with me to this point. And I think I was like 13-14 at the time, pathetic right? And little did I know, she really flirted with every guy she fucking talked to. Not knowing that, I kind of got infatuated with her and after just talking to me to keep her dad happy, once he left town, she ripped my fucking heart out. Just kind of like a bully but it was worse cause I liked her.


Years go by. All of a sudden I'm not the shy loser I was all those years ago. By the way, I kind of got unshy, because I read a fact somewhere. People are shy because they are scared they might say something people won't like, so they don't say anything at all. When in fact, the human brain is hardwired to think shy people are suspicious. So really you can say something and half the world will agree and the other half will hate you for saying it, or you can be shy and not say anything and the whole world won't like you. That fact kind of helped me put things in perspective.


But back to my love hate story. Years go by. I'm a completely different person on the outside. So recently we somehow end up working for the same company (kind of like running into Ashlee at the grocery store) we run into each other in the break room. Great right? Wrong!

This shallow bitch, first thing, she was still flirting with other guys (2 at the same time!) Then she notices me, stops talking to these guys, and goes to devour a dinner course she already had... me. First thing she said to conversate with me, "You look considerably more attractive." As to say 'you were fucking hideous before, but now your good' So she spends our whole break flirting with me. I try to ignore her, but she has none of it.


But the story has a happy note, I rejected the fuck out of her! Win for the lovable loser. But I do get those days where I'm like maybe I shouldn't have. But it is what it is Sean. If I would have played her little game, nothing would have changed. She would still be (practically) giving handjobs to her male coworkers. And I would be made a fool out of again.


What was my point? Oh yeah, If you really think she is the one, I'd say, since she is with someone, you gotta get someone too. And show her your new gf, and if you think she gets as jealous or emotional or see the same feelings as you see when she is with this guy, then she wants you as bad as you want her. At the point, try to get her alone and say, I think we made a real mistake.


Hope my story helped, it actually felt good to get it out.

I liked your thread as Kimmy. For some reason I didn't feel comfortable posting as her. I dunno.

Now, time for a short (I hope, but I can't promise anything) contribution from me.

I'm 17. What do I know? Too damn much, yet too damn little.

Let's start in an odd place. Remember a day or two ago when I had Thraxx tell Kimmy Happiness is an offense punishable by death. And I've had all of my warnings?... Well, that really is my mindset a majority of the time. I was happy, and then my mother had an abusive patch. I was happy, then my psychotic ex-stepfather (current at the time) tried to murder both my mother and I.... I was happy, and then my heart was crushed. Twice. I was happy and then I risked everything to help a friend who turned their back. I was happy, and then I realised I was obsessed with someone for no logical reason and hade to tear out that part of my heart that attached us. Some fucking story behind that, but I won't tell it. I have nothing, and sometimes I forget that I'm not dead yet. I literally feel like I'm waiting to die.

Now, let me be honest here. I'll tell you something that I rarely admit to myself, let alone anyone else. While my characters are fictional, they all mean a lot. But Thraxx and Kimmy are close to, if not the most meaningful.

Thraxx is my dark, but humorous side. I'm not offended when people say things about my characters because they aren't me, however parts of me are poured into parts of them. Thraxx shows some of the darker depths of myself that I'll agree to reveal, and has my negative outlook on life. I have some harsh views and I honestly believe that in part I'm a genuinely bad person. You can say I'm not. But, you don't know me. Nobody really does. I wish I could say I do. And to an extent, I know myself. But nobody else has any idea who I am. At all. And people in XWF probably know the least about me. Even those who think they know plenty. They don't. I wish they did. But, after everything, I can feel my heart break in advance any time I extend a hand of friendship or reveal anything about myself and who I really am. Hell, my best friends don't know shit about me. "Basic" shit, yes. I hate pepsi. I'm a cat person. I'm really into Avatar: The Last Airbender, but I haven't paid much attention to it in the last three weeks. The people I love, I probably shouldn't. The people I hate, I probably shouldn't. Well, not all of the people I hate. However, I pretty much resent the majority of people. That's part of why I spend so much time online. So I can take a deep breath, and actually make an effort to be nice where I have to react faster IRL... It hurts. I wish I could be the kind of person worth a shit, but I'm not. And nobody manages to convince me otherwise. Anymore. Because each time I let it happen, it doesn't turn out well for me. I end up depressed. In tears, as I am writing this. Hell, I don't know why. To be honest, I'm not even sure if this is a stupid fucking cry for attention at the core or whether I'm writing this to contribute. And I can't say I care. I'm getting it out there.

The majority of people, I dislike. As I've said. I don't get people. They're stupid and fucking crazy. And I don't get why people see an insect and squish it because they can... What, some sick enjoyment?.... "Uhhh.... I'm allergic to them, so I'm gonna go all the fucking way over there to kill it, even though we're outdoors and the fucking things are placid".... Honestly? What the fuck!?... Humans are the only ones who, as a majority, deserve to die because they're that fucked up in the head, myself included. Myself especially. But honestly, any life (besides plants, I suppose that's a flaw in me) mean more to me than a human life. Well, the life of a human who I am not attached to. And if that hurts you people... Well, I'm either sorry or I don't give a flying fuck. I can't decide. Just realised I never described Kimmy. Dammit. Ugghhh... Stupid fucking tangent, FUCK....

Now, I am a very twisted individual. My head's fucked up, and quite honestly I should probably be locked away, not that I have any plans to end a life (Unless it turns out my ex-stepfather's alive still and I ever see him... He really deserves to die).... And then there's that part of me I've shown hints of throughout this rant. The kind part of me that goes "that isn't right", "I'm sorry" or "I care".... Because I do care. And that's where Kimmy comes into it. Mindlessly caring, and being lead by the heart as I used to be. And through Kimmy I can do it in a safer way. I still want to. And now, pouring kindness out can't come back to beat the shit out of me afterwards and leave me scarred yet again. Kimmy's just a character. And she just bounces back. There's another aspect of Kimmy that involves a personality disorder I believe I have, but I won't bitch about that too.

There you go. A small portion of the mind of Ann Thraxx. And you're not even in the darkest depths yet. Not even close, I promise. And I never break a promise.

P.S.... Turned into a rant that had nothing to do with Duke's topic. My apologies... Didn't hold back, of course....... I feel like playing the knife-hand game now.... Kinda in that mood to play it. Blindfolded. To flight of the bumblebee. Did I mention that I have the world's worst hand-eye co-ordination? This should be fun. *singing* "I have got no fingers. I just chopped them off. I can't miss the spaces in between because I don't have any fucking fingers you idiot"

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

you never forget your first true love.. thats all I got to say.. i still miss my ex gf lots but i know now I got a great gf who I plan on marrying soon

SUCK... MY... DICK!

3X Star of the Month
Former 3x Hart Champion
Former 13X Xtreme Champion
Former 6X Tag Champion
Former 2X Trios Champion
Former 2x Heavy Metal Weight Champion
Former Universal Champion

I'm glad you found someone else Petey. I know I won't. It wouldn't be fair to any other woman. They could never have my heart.

Ally, I don't really consider myself a gentleman. I'm a good man with a big heart, but I'm also not a very nice man. Its hard to explain, really. I have an explosive anger issue that probably none of you are aware of. If someone triggers it, things don't get pretty. Not physically, I'd never hit a woman. In fact, I'd like to take those that do and put them in Duke's torture chamber. But, I do blow up. I will say its been a long time since I have blown up. Maybe its the writing that has calmed my edge, I don't know. I've been here since November and I can say I've not had a blow up since I've been here.

Hunter, this is why I chose to write like this. Sometimes people have things all bottled up. On one hand, this is a place to escape real life and what not, but on the other hand, this is also an outlet for people like us. People that have a story to tell. I figure if I open up a little bit and lower my shield just a little, maybe some of you will. You did, Rebel did. It's a big weight off the shoulders sometimes to let things out. Even at the risk of looking like a fool.

Fact is, she does love me. Always will. Its just that her heart has more room in it to love others, than I do in mine.

Ann, I don't mind that you went off topic, haha. If anything I've written since yesterday has inspired you to express yourself, your REAL self, then that's all that matters.

The moral of the story is simple. We all have a story. Tell it. Let it out. I have a life story I've always wanted to tell. Maybe someday, I'll let you all see all of the man behind Sebastian Duke. Not just bits and pieces. Many of you would be shocked. It certainly wasn't the good life.

Being super young (15 for y'all who don't know), I'm not exactly one to talk about love. But then there is this girl that I've been crazy about for years. Ended up going to different schools and I never talked to her again. My mind, however, would occasionally fade off at the thought of her or even dream about her - it's really that bad.

Imagine my face when she asked me to be friends on Facebook, after 0 contact for a good number of years. In the end it turned out she was just adding everyone from the old school. I sent her a message but she didn't respond, yadda yadda.

My end of the story is clearly not as meaningful as the rest of your's, but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents - pitiful though they may be, lol.

Sebastian Duke Said:Ally, I don't really consider myself a gentleman. I'm a good man with a big heart, but I'm also not a very nice man. Its hard to explain, really. I have an explosive anger issue that probably none of you are aware of. If someone triggers it, things don't get pretty. Not physically, I'd never hit a woman. In fact, I'd like to take those that do and put them in Duke's torture chamber. But, I do blow up. I will say its been a long time since I have blown up. Maybe its the writing that has calmed my edge, I don't know. I've been here since November and I can say I've not had a blow up since I've been here.

We all have our days. I've never seen you not be a gentleman. At least not towards me.

I'm equal parts, nice, sensitive and outright asshole.

Me too, I guess.

I like to think of it that either my left or right side's the psychotic bitch. Not sure which, though. I know the left hand side is the real me, though.

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

This is tragically poetic, Duke. I really enjoy hearing people's life stories. Sometimes the greatest characters of all are not the ones we create, but the ones we have become.

Achievements

• 1x Tag Team Champion
  
• August 2013 Superstar of the Month (Thank you all so much!)
  
• 1x US Champion
  
• 1x X-treme Champion
  

That awful week... the last week of september. Me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up right before we hit 4. It wouldve actually been 4 years 6 days ago. I loved spending time with her but she couldn't accept me for who I am. Some lines that I have used here I have actually said to her. Relationships are depressing.

It's just part of life, Radio. You win some, you lose some. Take it from me, kid. I've lost a lot in my life. I'm also not done fighting.

The interesting thing about relationships is; you're either going to end up marrying the person, or break up with them.

That's kind of a weird thought when you think about it.

(10-16-2013, 11:20 PM)Smoke Man Said: The interesting thing about relationships is; you're either going to end up marrying the person, or break up with them.

That's kind of a weird thought when you think about it.

You're right.... I suppose it can be a bf/gf relationship until death, though... And, you can break up after marriage.

Edit: ....When the hell did I log in as DAWN?

Thats why I'm glad Im in xwf. I can escape reality and enter the body of Mr. Radio. I don't know what I would do if Luca never suggested this site to me. Or if I never came back after that suspension.

Same, Radio. The internet (XWF being a large part) is my world... Not this "real world" thing. If that's unhealthy, I'm unhealthy, and I don't want to be fucking healthy.