When none of your opponents give you a damn thing to worry about, and not a damn one of them knows how to trash talk somebody, what do you do? Go get your tan on! Hellz to the yizzeah, bizzitch!
You know I see guys like Sean Falcon and Mr. Radio sucking the life out of the airwaves all week long and I think to myself, SHOULD I ADDRESS THESE LIMP DICK FRUIT FLIES?
The answer?
Fuck no I SHOULDN'T but I'll do it anyway because that's how hard my cock is. They ain't worth the left over brown on my anus after I've wiped myself down properly with baby wipes. I wouldn't spare a stain of my own fecal matter for either of those pieces of crap and that's saying something because I make a LOT OF STAINS. Mr. Radio doesn't even get me horny. At least with Swift Ion and John Austin, my cock starts getting that feeling where you know you'll have a boner in a minute. I get a nice chubby just from mentioning their names because they look like the nice kind of boys that will have a soft, supple asshole for THE PEOPLE'S COCK to penetrate. Why can't YOU give me that feeling, Mr. Radio? Why can't Sean Falcon make me horny either? I tried doing some homework on this Sean Falcon cat and you know what I came up with? He's an underachiever who came to the XWF to make big waves but found out he couldn't even make a tiny splash. He quickly disappeared and now HE'S BACK! Bitch, nobody cares about your return unless your name is Mr. XWF.
The Thunder Bowl is THEE return of Mr. XWF to in ring competition! Nobody even gives a fuck that some dried out prune sack like Sean Falcon is even going to be there on punching bag duty!
Then we get guys like WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS HIS NAME AGAIN? BAALBERITH? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no. Don't even come at me with a name like Ball Bath or whatever the fuck you're going by and think you can stand a chance in my ring. I did some homework on this dude and he's not somebody to take lightly, which is smart on his part to have such a 
ass fucking name because some people would be like "Damn, Ball Bath? How you gonna hurt me, bitch?" but I'll come correct and I'll be more than prepared to take you out in full force AND THEN proceed to verbally berate and humiliate you like the ball bathing bitch you are!
You know what else I find utterly hilarious? I guess Juan Madison doesn't want to stuff his asshole with paper towels to protect himself against a possible anal invasion from yours truly! This spic actually suggested to me that we join up and become a 2 man rape squad! Well to that I say EVERYBODY BETTER STUFF THEIR ASSES WITH TWICE AS MUCH TOILET PAPER AND RAGS, BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING RAPED! I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE DIRTY MEXICANS IN ORDER TO RECOGNIZE A GOOD OFFER WHEN I SEE IT! NO NO! DR. X-TREMITY IS ABOVE THAT SHIT! I'LL GLADLY MARCH DOWN TO THE RING WITH JUAN MADISON AND JUST PROCEED TO TURN ALL OF YOUR ASSHOLES INTO WISHING WELLS! I'MA DROP MY FUCKIN' NICKEL SO FAR DOWN YOUR HOLES THAT IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!
Now enough of this shit and let's get to the action already!
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I wake my ass up and wonder what the fuck I was doing sleeping until 8pm to begin with. What day is this? What planet am I even on?
Mr. XWF: Damn yo I feel like 25 elephants all took turns eating me and shitting me out. I feel like my name was Sloppy Joe and I met Peter Gilmour last night. I feel turrrble! YEAH YOU FUCKIN' HEARD MY ASS! I SAID TURRBLE! IT'S LIKE TERRIBLE BUT WORSE! IT'S LIKE PETER GILMOUR BUT FATTER, UGLIER, SMELLIER, AND WITH AN EVEN SLUTTIER FIANCE!
I look around me to come to the realization that I'm not where I thought I was. I'm not in my room! I'm at the fucking airport? ! ?
Mr. XWF: What da fuck???
Some skinny black lady stops and looks at me. Some fat ass Italian douchebag bumps into her because he wasn't paying attention where he was walking.
Fat Ass Italian Douchebag: Get outta mines ways ors me get take you to the x-treme! I dong worship the devil!
I blink. Can this be happening? I must be dreaming. I lay back down on the floor and close my eyes as I can hear the the man and woman arguing back and forth.
I wake back up in the middle of the XWF wrestling ring. Did somebody already set up the Thunder Bowl ring so I can practice my winning celebration? How nice! I'll gladly rise to my feet, puff out my chest, puff out my bulging cock, and proclaim myself the undisputed People's Cock!
Mr. XWF: This right here is my ring! THIS RIGHT HERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL A COCK RING!
I'm pretty much telling the truth if you think about it. I mean I am that boy with the big ol' dick and this IS my ring. I don't know why I didn't properly name the ring a long time ago! I guess I was too busy always laughing at Peter Gilmour. I mean fuck! Go look at my XWF profile and half the shit on there talks about Peter or his fiance who I fuck regularly for cash. I need to see a fuckin' doctor for my Gilmo' obsession! He talks like he's this big, bad mofo who can wow the ladies like a pimp but he doesn't realize how much he's fucking with my life.
I hail a cab and get inside. It doesn't fucking matter that I was just inside of the ring, bizzitch! When I hail a cab, the muh'fucker SHOWS UP!
Once I arrive at my desired destination, the tanning salon, I give the cab driver a 50 dollah bill and tell that bitch not to spend it all in one place. The stupid Hindu actually tells me "Oh tank u vedy much sir" like I was trying to be nice or some shit. That sand nigga is lucky I didn't smack him with my hot sack of nuts.
Sexy Whore: Welcome sir. How can I help you today?
The bitch behind the counter at the tanning salon is SEXXXXXXY AS FUUUUUUUCK, MY DUDES. I mean damn, I've got to get me a piece of this ass AND THE PEOPLE'S COCK MEANS I'VE GOT TO GET MY FACE BURRIED BETWEEN HER ASS CHEEKS!
FUCK MOTOR BOATING A PAIR OF BIG OL' TITS! I'MA MOTOR BOAT THIS SEXY ASS' SEXY ASS! I WANT THOSE PERFECTLY SHAPED BUTT CHEEKS SLAPPIN' THIS BOY'S FACE BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I'M IN A GOD DAMN COMA!
Sexy Whore: Excuse me?
I freeze. No way. Was I saying that shit out loud? No, no I wasn't...........right? RIGHT? HELP ME OUT HERE GUYS! I seriously don't remember if I was thinking all that shit about her fine, sexy ass or if I started saying it out loud. Sometimes I just don't know what the fuck's going on like my name is Swift Ion.
I'm looking dead at you mother fuckers right now and asking - DID I SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT HER ASS OUT LOUD?
The problem here is that, I'm literally standing there asking this to the camera while she stands behind the counter looking at me like I'm a complete fucking ass wipe and a dick head. Because I am.
Mr. XWF: Whoa WHOA! I'm sorry babe! I'm sorry hun, I didn't see ya there!
Whew! Good one. She'll buy it.
No, she didn't buy it. She comes around the counter and slaps me across the face which might have actually felt good if I didn't have this big ol' silver dome over my head to protect me from whores who slap hot guys.
Mr. XWF: Bizzitch! I'm trying to work out what the fuck is me talking versus what the fuck is me narrating and you come and slap my shit? YOU SLAP THIS BOY'S BIG OL' DOME? WELL BITCH YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE KICKED THE PEOPLE'S COCK IN HIS CHERRY POPPER BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED!
I grab the bitch.
I don't even care.
I straight go for it.
ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! I hit that ol' Rock-a-lock Buh-buh-buh-bottom on that stank ass hoe! RIGHT THROUGH HER FUCKIN' COUNTER! NOW THE NEXT BITCH THAT CLOCKS IN FOR WORK IS GONNA HAVE TO USE MY COCK AS THE FUCKIN' COUNTER TOP!
Mr. XWF: Yeah bizzitch! You like that shit? YOU LIKE FEELING WHAT ALL THOSE TWINKS ARE GOING TO FEEL IN THE THUNDER BOWL WHEN THUNDER THONG HIMSELF UNLEASHES ON THEM?
I kick her. Yeah, I do. I actually kick this hundred pound girl in her ribs even though she's already down and looks like a broken mess. She spits up some blood but I don't give a fuck, I CAME HERE TO GET TANNED AND THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO! I step over the bitch and just walk to the back, kicking some of the broken wood and shit out of my way while I mutter various curse words under my breath. It's pretty god damn ridiculous that I have to put up with this type of bullshit just to get a good tan.
I just help myself into one of the rooms and I kick the camera man in his balls.
Mr. XWF: Bizzitch! You thought you were going to film me getting naked and exposing my face to the world? Nigga you has GOT TO BE A LITTLE SMARTER THAN THAT!
I'll tell you all what I did next here. After I smashed that camera and ended the footage, I hit that ol' Rock Bottom on the fuck head camera man. You know why? I had to knock his ass out cold so I could strip down and put him in my gear. I sent that sucker back out to the front dressed like me and in a complete daze so he could take the wrap for assaulting the whore up front while I get my tan on. This Boy With The Big Ol' Dick don't want no pasty lookin' balls!
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