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Jessie-ica Diaz · (08-31-2013)

JUAN MADISON:

Hola! It's me again-- Juan Madison!

Now, I know what you're thinking, amigos. Why has Juan Madison decided to show up out of the blue and speak with us?

Well, amigo. I was at home channel surfing and I came across an ad for the upcoming Shove-It.

You see, ever since Rumble in Brooklyn, I haven't been the same Juan that I was.

I've become a stronger, more determined Juan.

At the Rumble in Brooklyn, I delivered the best performance ever seen in a battle royal of that magnitude. I had made six eliminations-- SIX ELIMINATIONS (6). I'm pretty sure I now come in second place for the all-time record of most eliminations in a single night. First place, of course, belonging to John Madison who triumphed over thirty XWF superstars in one night to become the King of the XWF! What a strange coincidence that the two top record holders of this feat are both named Madison. I can only hope and pray to one day be as good as John.

Needless to say, my debut performance at Rumble in Brooklyn was unmatched. In fact, it took a whole lot of tomfoolery just for these guys to throw me over the top ropes. For some reason, Paul Heyman was just out to get me that night. I'm not sure what his deal was. First, he accused me of being John Madison. Then after that, he violated my trust by unmasking me backstage. And even after I was unmasked, he was still in denial. He still thought that I was John Madison!

Paul Heyman:

Just for the record, amigo, you are a disgrace to lucha libre wrestling. You can't just pull a luchadors mask off like that! And then you go and accuse John Madison of swapping himself out with a chubby Hispanic janitor while you weren't looking? What is with Paul and thinking that everyone is out to trick him? I had just gotten done eating a bunch of burritos from Taco Bell that night and that's the reason why I had to rush to the bathroom, and it's also the reason I looked heavier on that particular night.

Conspiracy debunked.

But even then, Paul Heyman went out of his way to make Sebastian Duke the number thirty entrant. He even went out of his way to inform us that it was his way of intentionally trying to sabotage my performance. He came over the microphone and announced it directly to me and no one else.

Quote:Paul Heyman: “Allow me to present to you, Juan Madison, the man who drew number thirty!”

Get a good look at what that chico is doing. I'm pretty sure he's discriminating against me for the color of my skin and because of where I come from. Paul can't stand the idea of a man hopping over the border to chase after the American dream.

We ain't even done yet, amigos.

Shortly after Duke came into the match, that pussy started playing with the lighting. Does Paul Heyman or his goons realize how dangerous it is to cut the lights on and off like that? I perform a very complex style of lucha libre -- a style that no one in this federation is capable of adapting to-- and the lighting means everything when I'm out there trying to land moves properly. If you watch WWE Raw and Smackdown, you'll see that they have to adjust the light accordingly in order to accommodate Sin Cara's wrestling style. I'm not asking for special treatment, but it still goes to show that Paul Heyman is a reckless General Manager. If Paul Heyman had done his homework, he would know that you leave the fucking lights alone when a luchador is at work.

And then, oh boy, out comes that puta Nightmare.

I'm just going to stop right there because what follows is something that I really don't want to get into. You all saw it and you know it's the only reason that muchacho LJ Havok went on to win the match.

Regardless of what happened at Rumble in Brooklyn, Juan Madison left an impression on the world. He stood out as the best rookie to ever step through those ropes, and outperformed everyone in the match. He showed that he could have moved onto facing John Madison in what would have been the greatest match ever seen.

But I'm done talking about a Rumble in Brooklyn. That's old news, amigo-- but relevant nonetheless. You see, I'm in a situation that's quite similar to what took place in Brooklyn, except this time it's the crack child of WarGames and battle royal. First, you've got a standard battle royal except that it spans over two rings. By the way, up to 100 guys can start in this match. I might just bring in some of my family members and amigos from across the border to compete if that's the case. After the match has gone from 100 amigos to twenty amigos, it turns into a one-ring battle royal. After fourteen men and women have been eliminated, then it becomes a six-way with pins and submissions added in. And then FINALLY, a last man standing between the final two.

Holy shit, amigos. Is this all going down in one night? I'll be sure to load up on extra tequila and salsa before this shit.

Seeing as how I hold the battle royal record of six eliminations, this match should be right up my alley.

I see nowhere in the stipulations that the lights will be turned off and on without warning so I should be good there.

I'm taking this match, amigos. I know I fucked up at Rumble in Brooklyn because of some bullshit that I didn't see coming, but this one is mine.

I haven't taken the time yet to examine my competition-- but you bet your ass I will get to that later. I did notice that a man who goes by the name of Mr. XWF is in the match.

I also investigated Mr. XWF and found out about his mission in this ThunderBowl.

Quote:Mr. XWF: I'm taking this time to do all of you a favor. If you're thinking of showing up for the Shove It Thunder Bowl, do yourself a favor and stuff your asshole with some paper towels so I have a harder time gaining entry. I'm making no bones about it, I'M COMING TO SHOVE IT TO SHOVE IT.

Wow, amigo. That is a damn fine mission statement you have there and I want to thank you for warning me ahead of time. I'm pretty sure most of the participants in this match will neglect your warning and proceed onto Shove-It without a proper butt plug.

On the other hand, I am taking your threat very seriously and I will be approaching this match now with extreme caution.

I will be stuffing my butt hole as your instructions suggests me to.

Quote:Mr. XWF: "do yourself a favor and stuff your asshole with some paper towels so I have a harder time gaining entry."

Just for the record, do you have any suggestions for what we should prepare our butt holes with in order to avoid total penetration? I'm not saying I would be against trying new things, but I'm afraid that ThunderBowl is not the appropriate time and place. I'll need to be able to hit all of my lucha moves, and having my anus stuffed by "The Boy With The Big Ol' Dick" beforehand would affect my performance, drastically. Furthermore, I'm not sure if I could execute these high flying, flippy moves to the fullest of my abilities with anything stuffed in my anus even if it were just some paper towels in order to prevent a man in a scuba suit and metal helmet from raping my butt hole.

I need to be able to perform at my very best, Mr. XWF, and that is why I'm willing to make you a deal.

What if I admit right here, right now that you are indeed that boy with the big ol' dick and that your dick reigns supreme over all? Could I be spared, for a certain amount of time, from that anal rape threat that you issued?

What I'm talking about here, is you and I forming a pact.

We go into this ThunderBowl as a two-man rape squad. I'll bend the potential victims as if I'm going for a double underhook piledriver, but then you come in and just start drilling on the victim's exposed asshole. You drill and you drill until it's dry. And then I toss what's left out of the ring.

We could be unstoppable, Mr. XWF.

Unstoppable... like that one time... that time when you... and the LEGEND, John Madison, went on to become the number one contenders at the XWF Tag Team Titles last October.

What do you say, Mr. XWF? Will you let me shove-it from the front while you shove-it from the back?

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