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Ricky Desmond · (07-21-2013)

What the fuck is Griffin MacAlister doing back and where has he been all this time???

I have a couple of questions that are actually in need of much more answering. Who the fuck is Griffin MacAlister?

Scrap that.

Who the fuck cares about Griffin MacAlister?

There, that’s better.

The camera is right in front of me, I am in my home gym, hitting the punch back rapidly. The camera man begins to ask questions to me for the XWF website exclusives. Although I could not care less about the website, everyone knows how much I love to talk. This is just another chance for me to speak my god damn opinionated mind I guess. Thoughts were filling my mind though, and I already had a lot to say. This guy I’m facing on Warfare seems like he might actually be a tough fight. I always thought finding a tough fight around here would be hard work. Maybe it still will be hard work. There’s only one way to find out.

“So Ricky, what do you make of your match against the returning Griffin MacAlister? You must be slightly fearful of the momentum that a return has?”

I stop punching, and turn around before sitting down on a nearby bench, the camera man closely behind me. I shake my head and sigh.

“Do you really get paid for this? What a stupid fucking question that was and it’s you bloody opening one. I could not care less if I was in a handicap match against Godzilla and Yoda. I need to win this match on Wednesday, just like I need to win this match on Monday. So I will win. My determination is what has allowed me to get here today and you really think some deluded, smoking biker is going to stop that? The man apparently can fight? Let him fight. I will just have to fight back harder won’t I? And you want to ask me about momentum really? Really? Did you see what I did at Leap of Faith you moron. I managed to establish a team of strong wrestlers and take out the tag team champions. So don’t you dare ask me about momentum you lump of shit? I may be new here and this guy may be a veteran, but that’s irrelevant. What it really comes down to is who the better man is, and I honestly don’t think there is a man in the XWF that can go toe to toe with Ricky Desmond on his day.”

“So you think you have the match in the bag?”

“It’s not that fucking simple is it? Anything can happen on the night, but I need this win and telling myself any different wouldn’t exactly be motivating now would it? The guy’s deluded. He can’t even remember what he’s been doing in the last year. How the fuck do you expect him to remember how to wrestle when he can’t even remember where he’s been or what he’s been doing. The man’s insane. It doesn’t take a genius such as myself to see that.

I just hope he doesn’t think that Warfare’s going to be full of banners, balloons and party poppers because the only welcome home party is going to be a defeat. Not to mention the fact that I am going to burst that great big returning bubble of his. Griffin, if you had any intelligence, which you clearly don’t, you would hop back on that ridiculous bike of yours and you would get the fuck out of a place that simply does not need or want you right now.”

“So Ricky, the Connection have their first tag team match on Monday, what are your thoughts on the match up against ‘The Incredible People’?”

“I would hardly call it a match would you? When was the last time Matt Lennox won anything worthwhile? He’s held the X-Treme Championship I’ll grant him that but only because that weed smoking freak show from Shove It, Dean Moxley McGovern, practically handed it to him on a plate. Canada really? The guy’s obsessed with the fact he’s from Canada when the country has nothing to be proud of other than Justin Bieber, a maple leaf and the fact that they’re one of the only countries where a fucking moose can successfully live. Even that squeaky, rat looking girl, Justin Bieber practically has to pretend he’s from America otherwise everybody he would think he’s equally as boring as the damn country he’s really from. Has Matt Lennox ever said anything witty? Funny? No. Stewart Francis is the only funny man to ever come from Canada and he rips the shit out of the place daily. You don’t know who Stewart Francis is? Well google it and get a sense of humour you bunch of morons. Did you know that Canada’s the only place shit enough that you actually get free sex when you buy a stupid fucking portable DVD player so that you don’t miss hockey night when you go on a shitty camping trip before realising that DVD players don’t have hockey night wired into them? Yep that’s right, Canada is the only place where this kind of shit happens because the people from there are just that fucking stupid.

Speaking of ‘The Incredible People’, I have been booked against Lightning on The Night of Payne. A match where you can all enjoy me sending that useless twat straight back to minor injuries where he will probably spend the next couple of months recovering from a dead leg. That’s right a dead leg, you know that thing where footballers or soccer players depending on your nationality actually need to take time off to recover. Yep a dead leg. How the fuck is that an injury? I swear to god I have had like three dead legs in one day before. Then again, Lightning is hardly the toughest guy on the roster now is he? Lightning never strikes twice, and apparently that’s the reason his ex-girlfriend broke up with him in the first place. He just couldn’t keep her satisfied.

As for Jack Killborn, you’re just going to have to let me google him on my phone a second because I genuinely have no idea who he is…”

I hold my phone up to the camera briefly.

“Who the fuck is this guy? He looks like the comic guy from the Simpsons had sex with Rosie O’Donnell and then came out as miscarriage. That’s just how vile Jack Killborn really is.

Anyway, back to your ridiculous questions. The Connection don’t need to worry in the slightest about facing off against ‘The Incredible People’ because let’s face it, the most incredible thing about them is that they’re yet to be fired from this company. I suggest they take some tips from a stable that know how to make an impact. Like us. It wouldn’t have surprised me in the slightest if Rex sat on a deck chair for the whole of Leap of Faith simply gawping at Eli James whilst he kicked the shit out of the not so credible people. Then, if only the Crimson Knights made it to the show in one piece, maybe the tag belts wouldn’t be held by Eric Rex and Mystica, the most undeserving tag team champions of all time… Next question.”

“Luca Arzegotti has gone out of his way many a time to point out the faults in the Connection, and has particularly laid into Andrew Morrison, even claiming that you actually write his promos for him, do you have a response here for us today?”

“I always have a fucking response you down syndrome. Luca, if you think what my stable is doing is generic and repetitive, then why don’t you meet me in the ring at the next Pay per View and we will settle this bullshit like men. You see, I would face you next week, this week or any other time but the fans don’t deserve to see me beat you to a pulp for free. I am sure after a couple of weeks Heyman will see the calibre of wrestler that I am and he will be yearning to put me in a match against John Madison’s love child just so I can knock some sense into him. Even

can see potential behind all of that short sightedness and he will know that Desmond vs Luca equals money. The men with the mouths. Although, saying that, my teeth are very different because I don’t have to scape John Madison’s cum of my teeth before I go to sleep.

Sorry, we know that’s a touchy subject and we wouldn’t want to offend anyone on this XWF exclusives now would we camera man…

I think people have seen enough talking for one day. Instead, why don’t I just show everyone what’s going to happen to Shawn Steele, what’s going to happen to Griffin MacAlister and what’s going to eventually happen to Luca Arzegotti.”

“Uh what?”

“You heard me.”

I put down my phone and take the camera off of the camera man, handing it to my butler Frederick instead. I grab the camera man by the head and throw him into the ring before sliding after him running off the opposite ropes and nailing the innocent camera man with a clothesline from hell that I like to call the Million Dollar Bill. I stand over the poor man, shouting in his face.

“THIS IS JUST THE FUCKING BEGINNING!”

I don’t think that particular camera man will ever visit me again.

The footage then shows me throwing the camera man out of my house, the camera sailing towards him briefly afterwards. Distraught, he turns and faces me with his hand holding the back of his head before the feed of XWF exclusives ends.

Good fucking riddens.

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