INT. DAY - Posh, outdoor restaurant. Soft jazz in the background. At a center table, three fashionable women engage in lively conversation.

Amy, clearly frustrated: "CASSANDRA! I wore those EXACT rose-gold earrings first!"

[Amy Confessional]

“Cassandra knows FOR A FACT! I wore those earrings SIX MONTHS AGO! Then, I’m at Drake’s niece’s bat mitzvah with NBA journeyman and regionally-recognized barbecue pitmaster Chris Gatling… And Cass waltzes in, wearing the EXACT… SAME EARRINGS.”

Amy gets teary-eyed.

“I will N-N-NEVER trust A-A-AGAIN!”

[Brunch]

"Amy, for the last time, those were PEARLS, not rose gold! Get your facts straight!"

[Cassandra Confessional]

“I didn’t come here to make friends. I came here to get my fashionista-slash-musician-slash-taxidermist brand off the ground. And if Amy gets in my way, I will cut her. And stuff her. Like one of my prized stuffed foxes, available on my website for $29.99, not including shipping-and-handling.”

[Brunch]

Rebecca, sipping her mimosa, interjected. "Speaking of pearls, have you girls heard from Sid? She still hasn’t returned to work AND she has another match coming up."

Amy sighed. "Typical Sid… Always leaving others to handle her messes!"

Cassandra, narrowing her eyes, snapped, "Oh, like you're any different? Remember that project last month? I had to finish it while you jetted off to Cancún for a 'well-deserved break'?!"

[Cassandra Confessional]

“Amy left mid-shoot to do body shots with TED CRUZ!!!”

[Amy Confessional]

“OH-EM-GEE, SHE SAID WHAT?!?! THAT BITCH!!!”

…Amy sips her drink.

“Yes, fine, I did.”

[Brunch]

Amy's face reddens! She retorts. "I already recorded all of my lines! You barely contributed!"

Rebecca, trying to play peacemaker: “Well, if we’re keeping score, neither of you helped me during the ‘Making Believers’ skit.”

“TUMULT! TUMULT, I DECLARE! Individualistic tumult! And… tumultuous individualism!!!”

They spin! The camera shifts, revealing—NK and EDWARD, sitting at the table’s end, quietly observing the exchange. NK sassily swizzles a mimosa. EDWARD skeptically sniffs his bacon (smell like meat, but no animal-shape? Sorcery?)

Amy, confused: “Who are you two?!?!”

"And, uh, why are you even here? Do you know where Sidney is?"

NK points in the air, "We do not! BUT, with Sidney derelict in her duties, it falls upon us, her colleagues AND SUPERIORS, to intercede and undertake her responsibilities. And… There is MUCH to be done here!” NK tsk-tsks! “Sickening! Your bickerings! Your hurtful quibbling! Appallingly western! You spit in the face of collectivist ideology!"

[NK Confessional]

“Annyeong haseyo, reality television fans! I am North Korean War Criminal! I wish to cure you all of the cursed disease that is capitalism!”

…

“I also came to make friends! Friends are comrades! Comrades cultivate strength for the collective!”

[Brunch]

EDWARD scratches his head, looking around with wide, curious eyes: "EDWARD CONFUSED BY STRANGE WOMEN RITUALS. BUT EDWARD KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN TRIBE HAVE PROBLEM."

He reaches under the table, retrieving… a massive turkey leg!

He slides it between Amy and Cassandra.

"SHARE FOOD, MAKE PEACE."

Amy, holding back a gag: "Ooh, groddy… Is this even keto?"

Cassandra, eyes wide: "Keto?!? Is that even cooked?"

Amused, Rebecca leans in: "C'mon, ladies, when in Rome... or, well, at brunch with a caveman." She takes EDWARD’s offering, stuffing some in her mouth.

Rebecca smiles, reaching out to squeeze the caveman’s right bicep. “Sorry, cave-hunk. Things have been tense ever since Sid stopped showing up to set.” Rebecca says, betraying a bubbling anxiety. “We’re all worried about the show’s future without Sid.”

Amy coughs. “I didn’t have a line in the script before a month ago.”

Cassandra cuts in. “I didn’t have a NAME!”

NK gasps, grasping onto EDWARD’s equally-taut, left bicep, “Did you hear that, Comrade Cave-hunk? These lady-laborers LACK their lady-lord lush! They are RIPE for re-education toward the collectivist dream!”

EDWARD scratches his head. “TRIBE HAVE NO LEADER? NO WONDER TRIBE BICKER. NOT KNOW WHERE NEW MEAT COME FROM!”

EDWARD stands from the table, so strong he lifts both NK and Rebecca out of their chairs effortlessly, clinging onto his arms like monkeys-in-a-barrel!

"FOLLOW EDWARD! LAW OF JUNGLE MAKE NEW LEADER!"

---

EXT. DAY - Small clearing in dense forest.

Amy and Cassandra stand face-to-face! Looking terrified, each holding a crudely-made club.

From the sidelines, Rebecca looks concerned. "Um, what are the clubs… for?"

"A wondrous metaphor for the mutually-assured destruction that accompanies individuality! OBSERVE!"

EDWARD raises his hand dramatically. "LAW OF JUNGLE SIMPLE. ONE WHO NOT BLEED FROM SKULL FIRST, NEW LEADER! BEGIN!"

The women circle, holding their clubs awkwardly.

"Um, Cass? Can we talk about this?"

"Maybe we could just... thumb-wrestle?"

"LEADER NO TALK! LEADER FIGHT!"

Amy hesitated. "I... This isn’t for me. It's one thing to argue about earrings, but th-"

Before she could finish, Cassandra swung her club full-force, smashing Amy on the back of her head. Amy crumpled to the ground.

Cassandra, her face, both shocked and… strangely elated. She threw her club to the ground, roaring triumphantly as blood pooled around Amy’s skull.

Rebecca's eyes widened, "Cass! What did you do?"

Cassandra, grinned widely, "Oh-Em-GEE! That was... exhilarating! Like, a real rush!"

EDWARD clapped his massive hands in delight, "CAVEMAN WAY WIN! CASSANDRA NEW TRIBE LEADER!"

NK applauds, "Brilliant!"

Amy groaned, prone, rubbing her head.

NK, gazing at Amy, sensed opportunity!

“THIS!” The War Criminal pointed! “THIS MOMENT! A perfect testament to the power of collective strength! In your modern individualist society, you’ve become isolated, striving for your own achievements! Imagine–what if we all worked together? Nurturing each other’s strengths! Compensating for our weaknesses!”

Rebecca raised an eyebrow. “Collective? You mean, like… an ensemble cast? Not a star-driven show?”

“Exactly so! Comrade Cassandra has demonstrated her prowess! Elevated to leading of your group! Conceive of a society where everyone plays a ROLE! ALL benefit equally. No elitism, no social hierarchies based on wealth and power.”

Amy’s eyes widen. “Or screen time?!?”

“...Certainly, if such metric estopped you from cooperating previously…” NK shrugs, before continuing.  “Instead of such individualist metrics, your motivation… your DRIVE! Based on mutual respect! Understanding, and support.”

EDWARD, partially confused but trying to keep up, adds: “TRIBE STRONG TOGETHER. ALL EAT. ALL SLEEP. ALL FIGHT. PROTECT TERRITORY FROM ALL INVADERS! HUNT, GATHER, BUILD, AND MAKE MORE EDWARDS FOR STRONGER TRIBE!”

NK nodded, slapping EDWARD’s back! “Just so, Comrade EDWARD! Your club-based metaphor REVEALS a primal truth, long-forgotten by profiteering labor-barons! In ancient times, communities thrived on collaboration, ensuring the whole’s needs were met. What EDWARD speaks of? Basic needs! Sharing guarantees a society where no ONE goes hungry! No ONE feels unvalued.”

NK’s arms spread wide. “Imagine it! Everyone’s needs are met. None left wanting or lacking food, drink or… screentime! The collective ensures everyone's well being. That, dear comrades, is the dream that I, and many like me, strive for. A vision worth fighting for.”

The ladies ponder these words… intrigued…

---

“SIDNEY GREY! YOU THINK BRINGING PARTNER MAKE DIFFERENCE? LAST TIME EDWARD SEE YOUR CHOICE IN PARTNER, ME WATCH THEM FALL FLAT. ROUND-WOMAN AND WOMAN-MAN… THEY PROVE NOTHING. THEY ONLY SHOW WORLD HOW WEAK SIDNEY GREY TRULY IS, THAT SHE REQUIRE HELP FROM THEM.”

“Precisely, Comrade EDWARD! The Collective is only as strong as its weakest member, and both Vainglorious Maxine and Lunk-headed Bobbi London prove to be SUBTRACTION by ADDITION! By their presence, they DETRACT from Sidney Grey’s once-imposing figure!”

“YOU CHALLENGE FOR SHINY, AND EDWARD PROVE ONCE AGAIN HE STRONGEST. NOW, YOU TRY AGAIN, BRING ANOTHER TO FIGHT SIDE BY SIDE. BUT EDWARD HAVE CRIMINAL OF WAR. HE FIERCE, HE FIGHT WITH HONOR!”

“...*cough*. Honor, yes… The honor of the Collectivist Dream, most certainly!”

“YOU THINK YOU SURPRISE EDWARD WITH SHADOW PARTNER? YOU THINK CHOICE MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE? EDWARD NOT CARE WHO YOU BRING. COULD BE TALLEST MOUNTAIN OR WILDEST BEAST. EDWARD STILL STAND TALL. STAND TALLER ON SHOULDER OF FRIEND, AS TRUE COLLECTIVE.”

“Whosoever Sidney Grey brings shall be SOAKED in individualism! SOILED by self-obsession! We know this, because Bourgeoisie Grey herself is CONSUMED with her own accolades! Her face in the spotlight! Her program’s costars withered without her and she cared NOT ONE IOTA! She knows NOTHING of the Collective!”

“YOU NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. YOU, SID, YOU HIDE, ALWAYS LOOKING FOR EASY WAY. USE PEOPLE TO GET WHAT WANT. NEVER THINK OF TEAM.”

“NOT EVEN WITH GINA FRIEND. THAT WHY NO HAVE GINA FRIEND NOW.”

“Oho! A most vicious barb, Comrade EDWARD! Bravo! Sidney’s once-closest comrade DESPISES HER NOW! What does that say of her ability to create a healthy, cooperative environment? I proclaim, IT REFLECTS MOST POORLY! HAHA!”

“LIKE RELENTLESS, THIS NOT TYPICAL GAME YOU USED TO. THIS BATTLE OF LIFETIME. LAST TIME YOU STEP IN RING WITH EDWARD, YOU LEARN LESSON. THIS TIME, EDWARD MAKE SURE MESSAGE STRONG ENOUGH TO STICK.”

“Not only do you face a fearsome foe in Comrade EDWARD! You oppose THE most deadly tag-team competitor in XWF history! Any partner’s perfect pairing! The North Korean War Criminal!”

“EDWARD AND CRIMINAL OF WAR, WE MORE THAN JUST TEAM. WE ARE ‘COLLECTIVE’! NOT JUST NAME, BUT BOND. WHILE YOU HIDE BEHIND OTHERS, COLLECTIVE STAND UNITED, DRAWING STRENGTH FROM EACH OTHER. WE FIGHT FOR EACH OTHER!”

“SIDNEY GREY, IN MAIN EVENT OF ANARCHY, YOU WILL NOT JUST FACE EDWARD OR CRIMINAL OF WAR. YOU FACE ‘THE COLLECTIVE’—TWO HEARTS, ONE SPIRIT, UNLIMITED STRENGTH!“

“...*tears-of-joy*I couldn’t have said it better myself, Comrade EDWARD! We two join as one! Our mission? To scribe the ideals of the collectivist dream! A manifesto decrying the RUIN brought by individualism!”

“And the canvas for our masterpiece? Shall be Sidney Grey’s SKULL!”

---

[HOURS LATER]


EXT. Outside CTN Studios

A sleek car with tinted windows glides to a stop. The rear door opens.

Sidney Grey’s body double elegantly steps out, her phone pressed to her ear as she adjusts her coat.

“Jeff, I just saw the news! ‘The World, According to Sid’s back on the air!? Why wasn’t I called back to set? Outrageous!”

She takes a moment to listen. “No, no, no! I’m the ASS of the leading lady, and have been for seasons now! If Sid’s back, I’M BACK!”

As she steps onto the sidewalk, she’s suddenly ambushed by a wild-eyed Amy and Rebecca, dressed in tattered rags, gripping spears.

“Ladies?” Her voice quivers. “What are you…?”

Before she can finish her sentence, a loud crash interupts her, drawing her gaze upwards. Like a hawk swooping upon its prey, Cassandra leaps from a third story window, spear pointed straight down, and with a fierce battle cry, she plunges her spear directly into the heart of Sidney Grey’s body double.

Amy and Rebecca stand, ready to defend their STRONG leader. Cassandra slowly rises, pulling her spear free. She squeezes her fist. “THIS OUR TERRITORY NOW!”

[CASSANDRA, REBECCA AND AMY TALKING HEAD]

“WE DO CONFESSION TOGETHER!”

“BOOTH SECRETS WEAKEN COLLECTIVE!”

“WE CONFESS! WE STRONGEST WHEN COMMUNICATION OPEN AND RESPECTFUL!!”

[Back to Office]

The women hoot and holler, dancing and shaking their spears. EDWARD, watching the scene with a broad, proud smile, declares, “GOOD! TRIBE DEFEND TERRITORY! WOMEN STRONG NOW!”

NK sweats, more than a little concerned. “Wondrous metaphor! Yet… perhaps it’s time we make a strategic exit. Best of luck, new collectivists!”

[LATER STILL…]

INT. OFFICE

An upscale office building. Floor-to-ceiling windows.

Sitting behind a polished oak desk, a stern-looking CTN executive.

Amy, Rebecca, and Cassandra stand before her, still in tattered clothes, looking no less feral, but much more lost. 

“Do you ladies have anything to say for yourselves?”

Cassandra steps forward. “STUDIO OURS NOW! YOU RIP US FROM HOME! RETURN US NOW, OR I SWEAR YOUR DEATH!”

"Threatening an executive? Hmmmm. Poor judgment… Good luck on your future endeavors, ladies..."

Without any hint or warning, she casually presses a button on her desk. Instantly, the floor beneath them gives way.

They plummet downwards, their scream echoing before being abruptly cut off by the door closing.

The executive nonchalantly lifts the phone.

“Clean-up in the termination bay.”

[EDWARD TALKING HEAD]

"EDWARD SAD TO HEAR WHAT HAPPEN TO WOMEN. SIDNEY ALWAYS CAUSE PROBLEM."

End.