“Y’Already Know About My Default Detective Beachwear”
A Y'all-Know-Who Adventure.
Narrated by Morgan Freeman
In the beginning, there was some guy.
Some guy?
…Yeah, him. An-
WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAMMING TO BRING YOU THIS BREAKING NEWS! XWF’S LONGEST-TENURED NEWS JOURNALIST, STEVE SAYORS, HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH FIRST DEGREE MURDER!
SAYORS IS ACCUSED OF MURDERING HIS BRIDE-TO-BE, BILLIONAIRE CEO Claudette du Toilette. I believe we have a clip of papier du toilette's advertising, that we will cut to now…
French: Need to clean your corrupt, sinful anus? Use toilet paper. papier du toilette.
…Is there more? Nope, no, I’m hearing from my producer that that was the whole thing, okay. INVESTIGATORS CLAIM SAYORS KILLED DU TOILETTE IN THE HOPES OF INHERITING HER FORTUNE AND PAYING OFF THE FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS OF DEBT HE OWES HIS EMPLOYER THE XWF!
AS A NON-BIASED REPORTER, I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE IN THE JOURNALISM COMMUNITY WHEN I SAY STEVE SAYORS HAS DISGRACED OUR PROFESSION AND SHOULD BE SHOT INTO THE SUN!
…Up next, our fashion correspondent, Trixie Stevens, will go over the hottest fall fashions for your newly adopted son! Isn’t that right, Trixie?
Yeehaw, that’s right, Clyde! If your adopted boy’s anything like my Nathan, we’re talking FRILLS AND LAC-
*click* *engine dies*
[LA Noire Soundtrack]
Sand.
…
Y’all-Know-Who never liked sand.
It’s coarse.
Rough.
Irritating.
And it gets everywhere.
But… you don’t get to choose your destination when following the route of a murder most foul…
And while Claudette du Toilette’s limousine may have dropped off the highway a half-mile up the road…
The last time it was seen by eyewitnesses… It had rolled down the cliffside… Drifted down the beach…
And straight into the Atlantic Ocean.
Sorry dolphins, you’re taking another hit for the team, in the form of a Limousine.
…
YKW had set his internal monologue voice to Matthew McConaughey from True Detective…
Because, brother, if he wanted to help Steve out of this jam, he better get true... and get detectiving…
Steve was a good kid…
If by 'kid', you meant, 48-year-old man with webbed feet and acute spinal meningitis.
The feds were saying Steve was cornered and desperate. That he knew Tommy Gunn was aiming to collect, and he'd be shooting to kill.
But, Steve had a belly yellower than a sunflower on a school bus made out of honeycomb. Couldn’t find his spine without a back alley surgeon... or health insurance. And Steve didn’t have either of those things.
Point being, Steve’s no killer.
And above all, YKW knew th-
"HEY! YOU!"
Said an angry-looking fella, face redder than a tomato i-
"I SAID YOU!"
…HAHA! HEY, FRIEND!
"I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND."
…
"Whaddya… Whaddya wearing there?"
…JEANS?
"JEANS?!?! ON THE BEACH!?!?!"
YEAH.
…
WHAT? IS THAT A CRIME?
"You GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, ANGRY MOB!"
*angry mob* YEAH!
…
HAHA! FOLKS, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S A CRIME TO WEAR JEANS ON THE BEACH?
My name is Jeb Gunderson.
I stood in the wrong line at the county fair. And now I’m the Mayor of Beach City, whoops!
Jeans at the beach? What’s next, socks? What is this, Europe?
Last time, I checked this was America. I like hot dogs, bald eagles, picket fences, and swim trunks with mesh, like the kind George Washington wore when he crossed the Delaware to stop King George from writing graffiti on the Bible.
As Mayor, I’ve written into law the prohibition of wearing jeans on the beach. Punishable by angry mob violence.
"TAKE OFF THOSE JEANS, STRANGER!"
"HIS JEANS THREATEN OUR WAY OF LIFE!"
FOLKS! FOLKS! LET'S ALL JUST TALK A DEEP BREATH! I'LL COMPLY WITH YOUR LOCAL ORDINANCES! BUT FI-
*YKW breaks into a sprint away from the mob!
"WE'VE GOT A RUNNER!"
"GET HIM BOYS!"
"NO JEANS-WEARERS IN THIS TOWN!"
"DARN IT! WE'RE LOSING HIM!"
"WE'RE SLOWLY GETTING QUIETER TO CONVEY THE IDEA THAT HE'S GETTING AWAY FROM US!"
"IF HE WERE IN A BATTLE ROYAL, HE'D SURELY BE THE FASTEST ONE IN THE RING!"
"HE'S ALSO QUITE HANDSOME!"
HAHA! THAT'S YET ANOTHER Y'ALL-KNOW-WHO ADVENTURE IN THE BOOKS!
YES!
STEVE IS STILL IN JAIL!
I HAVEN'T SOLVED THE CRIME!
AND I RAN FROM AN ANGRY MOB!
BUT I DID ACCOMPLISH ONE THING TODAY!
AND TH-
*egg timer goes off*
OH.
THAT'S FIVE MINUTES.
...UH... THAT'S ALL I HAVE.
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