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Agent Orange · (07-17-2013)

XWF HOUSE SHOW

**”New Disease” by Spineshank rips through the XWF arena. This time, the house lights don’t go down and the cameras follow Agent Orange coming down to the ring through the crowd. He’s wearing his ring attire with an XWF shirt over it. He’s also carrying the chair that he brained Steve Davids with under his arm.

As Orange makes his way down to the ringside seats, he opens up the chair and sits down beside some fans. The ring announcer hands Orange the mic.**

Agent Orange: You guys get it, why I do a lot of my promos in the ring, right? It’s all about the theory that the Orange World Order was founded on: that fans, the personal interaction and the exchange of energies is what builds great wrestling matches. Someday very soon, I’ll tell you all about me and what makes me tick, but for right now I need to address a few things about Wednesday Warfare.

Did anyone catch Sebastian Duke’s latest video? It was funny, right? See, I haven’t seen spaz action like that since my high school adopted one of those emotional support programs and all of the kids in the tard-tank would have their outbursts over not being able to use sharp scissors, having to wear pants and whatever else kids who aren’t normal get upset about. THAT is exactly what Sebastian Duke’s latest video was about.

Sebastian the Crab did what no man has done in a match with me in the XWF to date: he’s gotten angry. Not angry because he knows I’m better than him; he’s that deep, dark angry like when Target runs out of his favorite eyeliner or when the cashier at Hot Topic is a lesbian. That’s how angry the Nightmare Before St. Patrick’s Day is, and I love it!

He was right about one thing, Mr. Satellite does not hold the US Championship and on a completely serious note: Neonero, if I earn the opportunity to challenge you for the US Championship, it would be an honor.

**Orange stands up, and climbs over the guard rail, pacing around the ring as he muses on the mic**

Agent Orange: Now here’s the real fun part; here’s where I know that I’ve already won. I’ve said before about how I enjoy engaging in psychological warfare. I did and now Sebastian Duke is going all ‘House on Haunted Hill’ with his theatrical bullshit. If you look closely, the ones who get angry are the ones who lose. Deathmerchant got angry, Jack Kronus got angry, Striperella didn’t even bother showing up really. Mr. Satellite and Tony Santos didn’t sweat me at all. Now don’t get me wrong, I have not given up on Tony S&M or the King of Space Camp, but it’s all a part of strategy. Tall, Dark and Horribly Complected has already lost the match and it’s evident by how he reacted.

In response to Sebastian’s “Where were you speech,” I say this:

**Agent Orange yawns**

Agent Orange: That was real inspiring and I’m sure Dr. King would have considered you a run for his money, but I’ve run out of f***s to give. It’s not that I don’t respect your accomplishments; it’s that I don’t care. At all, not even a little. That was the past and this is now. Sebastian, I do one thing significantly better than you: Wrestle. I too can sit around in a dark room with a bunch of my buddies in a dimly lit room, listening to Gregorian chants; it would be pathetic and sad, so that’s why I’ve chosen to come out here and talk to you in front of the people directly.

**Agent Orange climbs into the ring**

Agent Orange: My real concern, the actual focus is on everyone else other than the guy that Halloween had its way with. Eli James the Fourth. I look at you and I see a bright future. I see someone who is really going to go places and do some pretty spectacular things. Unfortunately, it won’t be this week at Warfare. I don’t like being the guy who throws out blanket insults. I really believe that after this match, you’ll have an epiphany about where your life is going and how to get there and you’ll remember the day that we got in the ring together. My hope for you is that you’ll learn a big lesson of something truly important in defeat. All future champions do and I know you’ve got it in you, kid. I only have one request: when you give your hall of fame speech and you mention how Agent Orange winning the number one contendership to the US title; make sure you smile when you mention my name,

Mystica, I really think that you need a hug. This whole religion thing, I think you’ve got some underlying issues that you really want to get out. I think you’ve experienced some deep rooted emotional trauma and you are trying to work through it. You know, what Father Nelson did to…

**Agent Orange looks to the announcers table**

Agent Orange: Oh, we’re not supposed to talk about that? Really? The guy was like 22 and met him at a truck stop! Really?! Ok, fine.

Mystica, when you work through, whatever it is you’re working through, remember that sports is a healthy outlet for emotions and I think that the XWF allowing you to wrestle through your pain is tremendous. It’s a shame that you suck at it, but we’re healing, right?

Salvator, you are one strange cat, Not like endearingly funny strange, but like I worry that you’re going through my gym bag right now and following your nose to a sweat drenched pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Actually, can we get someone to the back to make sure he’s not doing that? I know we’re in the middle of a wrestling show but the dude seriously looks like a rapist; one of those car battery to the nipples and a frog in the mouth rapists.

Christine Nash and Jake Willis, two of the most forgettable wrestlers of all time! What an honor for me to be in the ring with the epitome of mediocrity! I mean, these two are the best of the best at being average. We’re all fighting for a chance to be a number one contender and those two don’t even care, they are going to be clawing and fighting to get to the middle of the pack! Christine Nash, a worn out woman who has the worn out gimmick of some gothic wench who is about to go on a mensies rampage and Jake Willis, who looks like he invented constipation. I tell you, if I’m not too busy winning a wrestling match, I might get my picture taken with these two and put it in a facebook album called “The Sultans of Suck.”

**Agent Orange climbs to a seat on the top turnbuckle**

Agent Orange: Now here’s the part I’m really going to enjoy: the challenge. Do you know how I want the match to go? I want the last two guys in the ring to be me and Cheapshots and when I beat him, I am going to brag to everyone about beating that guy. He’s got style, charisma, I’m pretty sure he can wrestle and he’s done something that very few have: he’s got my attention for reasons of not being a yard-tard. Sweet Cheapshots is the kind of competition I’m looking for. He’s …well, he’s me, really. He knows how to compete, he doesn’t take himself too seriously. He does, he reminds me of me and I like that in a person. At the end of Wednesday Warfare, I’m coming straight for the US title, but to beat a guy like Sweet Cheapshots on a pile of broken down yard-tards and some guy who’s been kicked out of Hot Topic for exposing himself, well that would make the challenge all the better, wouldn’t it.

Cheapshots, I’m not going to pull punches with you. I’m not going to talk smack because I know a verbal war between the two of us would take away from the crap that everyone else is spewing. I will promise you this: I promise to bring my “A” game and I’m expecting you to do the same.

To everyone in attendance at Warfare and to the folks watching at home, I think it’s going to be a wild night and I am not responsible for getting anyone pregnant through the TV. My lawyers and I fought those first round of charges and we won.

**Orange tosses the ring announcer the mic and “New Disease” starts playing again. Orange jumps down from the turnbuckle, he goes through the crowd to leave, taking the Steve Davids chair with him**

Fin.

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