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Agent Orange · (07-16-2013)

XWF SPORTS STUDIOS

**Agent Orange and another man, Jack Dapper, are in a Sports-Center-Like studio. Agent Orange is wearing a black suit with an orange shirt and a black tie; Jack Dapper is wearing a grey suit with a black shirt and a red tie. They are laughing and looking friendly as the segment comes into focus**

Jack Dapper: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to today’s episode of “Inside the XWF” where we bring you the most up to date information on the XWF and the sport of professional wrestling. The big story this week is the eight-man elimination tournament where the winner will be crowned the number one contender for Mr. Satellite’s US Championship. Sitting beside me is one of the competitors in that tournament; he is the “New Disease” and the self-proclaimed leader of the Orange World Order, he is Agent Orange. Orange, thank you for joining us.

Agent Orange: Jack, thank you for having me.

Jack Dapper: Ok, so the XWF has taken eight guys, wrestlers looking to claw their way to a title shot and here is the chance: the Wednesday Warfare tournament. Now Orange, you got yourself a pretty good seed in the bracket. For being in the XWF for such a short amount of time, how do you think you’re getting people to take notice so quickly?

Agent Orange: Well, I think it boils down to a couple things. For one, all of my media appearances have been focused on the wrestling and strategy. That in and of itself is just one facet to the mental preparation that goes on in a wrestling match. I think that I use psychological warfare better than most and so the ring psychology coupled with the laser-like focus just puts me in a much better spot to compete.

Secondly, I’m just physically better than everyone else. I don’t want you to confuse that with conceit, Jack. Take a look at everyone on the bracket. Over half the guys think that they are some demonic cult leader religious type and that’s how they get by in their careers. Agent Orange has always been about athleticism and I haven’t had to rely on gimmicks to get me laid or get me matches. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had better training or I’ve got superior DNA, I’m just made of stronger human material than anyone competing in the tournament and the XWF is realizing that.

Jack Dapper: Your opening match in the tournament is Sebastian Duke. Now he’s a pretty intimidating fellow. He’s big, strong and has a real grizzly appearance. How do you think that opening match is going to go?

Agent Orange: The same way it always goes when I wrestle with Yard-Tards. This tournament has been plagued with a bunch of a**holes who have some real unhealthy hang-ups with religion. You’ve got Sebastian Duke who thinks he’s the Patron Saint of Pounding Hot Topic Vagina and I’ve got to wrestle the guy. I wear black in my ring attire, I think I have a genuine concern that I’m going to be penetrated by some guy who stole a goatee from a Juggalo in the middle of a wrestling match.

Jack Dapper: Sebastian Duke recently released a statement regarding his participation in the eight man tournament and he mentioned you …maybe once. Do you take that is a sign of over-estimation of his own abilities or blatant disrespect?

Agent Orange: Not really either. When you break into the business coming from the Backyards of Connecticut or whatever cemetery Sebastian Dook came from, It’s all they know. I’ve never seen any of his backyard wrestling matches, I don’t support that kind of stuff at all. But you’ve got these kids having Money in the Bank Matches on trampolines with no athletic prowess whatsoever, they have to entertain people so they start ripping off M. Night Shyamalan movies in their promos. You look at a guy like Sebastian Duke and a promo like he just cut and you see a guy who is all about the dark side. Me, as a trained professional wrestler, I see a guy who is trying to hurry through a promo because he’s got hours of internet porn to watch and he hasn’t pulled his pork in like ten whole minutes.

That guy’s promo doesn’t impress me at all because I too could turn the camera on, turn the lights off and beat one off with a glow stick and call it a wrestling promo.

Jack Dapper: Orange, let’s run down the tournament bracket and I want you to tell me what you think of each opponent.

Agent Orange: Shoot!

Jack Dapper: Sebastian Duke.

Agent Orange: He’s an a**hole.

Jack Dapper: Eli James.

Agent Orange: He’s an a**hole.

Jack Dapper: Salvator.

Agent Orange: He’s an a**hole who needs to get a last name. Prince did it, and Salvator is one Raspberry Beret short of being male, let alone Prince.

Jack Dapper: Christine Nash

Agent Orange: She’s an a**hole. I pray to God she’s able to keep her kotex in place during the tournament. Do you know how hard it is to dry-clean menstrual blood out of a wrestling uniform?

Jack Dapper: Jake Willis.

Agent Orange: He’s a real nice guy with a lot of potential and I think he’s going to go far in the tournament.

Jack Dapper: Really?

Agent Orange: No, he’s an a**hole.

Jack Dapper: Mystica …let me guess, he’s an a**hole?

Agent Orange: Bingo!

Jack Dapper: How about Sweet Cheapshots?

Agent Orange: He’s an interesting one. He’s the one guy who seeded higher than I did. By proxy, I assume he’s an a**hole and I hope that he has to drop out of the tournament because he got car-jacket by a roving band of child molesters. I think if there is any real competition for me in the tournament, it’s going to be Sweet Cheapshots.

Jack Dapper: What message would you like to put out to Sweet Cheapshots?

Agent Orange: Well, the message is simple: I think I’m better than him. It’s not because he’s a bad person or because he’s an inferior athlete, I just have to believe that I’m better than him. The whole Mr. Satellite, Tony Santos and Steve “Oh Look, I Grew My First Pube” Davids has me in a real bad state of competitiveness. We wouldn’t be worth watching, as professional wrestlers if we didn’t try to give it our all at all times. That’s what makes us fun to watch and easy to root for. I was put in a real unfortunate situation in being pushed to the front of the line so soon in my XWF tenure. I’ve tasted the main event and now I want to run right over everyone on my way to a permanent spot in the main event; up to, including and exceeding Sweet Cheapshots.

Jack Dapper: Agent Orange, give us your closing thoughts on the tournament.

Agent Orange: Well, it goes down like this: it’s all about numbers and odds. I am one of the odds on favorites to win the tournament and move on to bigger and better things. A lot of the guys in the tournament are just filler talent to make guys like me look like we’re overcoming some huge challenge. The only real challenge in the match is whether or not I’m going to be able to keep myself from telling a Sebastian Duke to keep his erection off of me, from telling a Christine Nash that she smells like someone left the fish cooler unplugged and the rest of the yard-tards that they have no place in professional wrestling.

I am destined for bigger things; Agent Orange is meant for marquees, for posters and bright lights. The price I have to pay for the fame and the notoriety is that I have to crush a couple of yarders in the process. The outcome is a swift analysis of facts: I am stronger, faster and better at wrestling. The facts are that Agent Orange wins this tournament, hands down.

Jack Dapper: Alright, you heard it from the man. Agent Orange is a part of the eight man tournament this Wednesday on Warfare. Good luck Orange and good luck to everyone else competing.

Good night and good luck.

**The play off music starts and the set goes dark**

Fin.

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