This has to be a mistake.

Alex Richards mutters as he checks the GPS on his Strange Rover. By GPS we mean the location finding device not the Guardian Protection Services although he is here on business. Alex signs and steps out into a literal dump. He approaches what technically counts as a house made entirely out of bags of garbage. He doesn't knock he instead kicks in the bag of trash acting as a door. Inside is Deviance wearing a gimp mask and those mucus green panties from the last time.

How do you like my humble home?

It has maggots.  I'd rather drink a White Claw then stay here any longer then I have to.

I thought you of all people would appreciate this. You are known for being strange. You know.. you and I are more alike then you think.

That's where you're wrong. I'm strange because what's who I am. You're disgusting for the sake of shock value. I'm the real, authentic person I am. I don't like your house, I don't like you, and if the GPS didn't have a policy for at least hearing everyone out on your job offers I'd be gone already. Quite frankly I'm looking forward to rejecting your job and then burning this disgusting trash house to the ground then roasting marshmallows which I will then force you to eat.

Don't threaten me with a good time! Besides my job is easy. I'll pay you a thousand dollars apiece for ten male foreskins.

Alex looks puzzled.

Kind of gross but not nearly as bad as I expected.

You have to cut them off yourself using this!

Deviance smiles proudly pulling out a massive potato peeler which he hands to Alex. Alex tosses it inside of his doctor's bag 

Fuck no!

You've done worse.

Yeah but I only cause suffering to people who had it coming. I don't hurt random people for money.

I tried to let you off easy. New deal.. do something off this list. But do it solo. I like solo work.

Deviance winks.. then reaches in his dirty panties, pulls out a filthy list and hands it to Alex.

Pick one... if your morals don't get in the way...

Bring a child to NAMBLA $100,000
Star in a Snuff Film $100,000 payable to a person of your choosing
Use a bottle of Aunt Jemina as a butt plug $49.99

Alex looks furious.. then smiles grimly.

Deal.

Deviance reacts with gleeful delight.

I knew you were a whore if I offered enough money! Which one tempted you?

You'll see..

Cue Alex Richards in a white windowless van with Free Candy on the side drinking from a boot of Zim-Quila. Next to him is his step son Frank. The preteen looks at Alex.

You shouldn't drink and drive.

I would never drink and drive. All my vehicles are equipped with autopilot so I can get safely sloshed at my leisure.

Why are you driving a van marked free candy without giving me the free candy you promised? 

Frank spots, grabs a Oh Johnny candybar. Alex snatches it away.

That's not for eating. I did bring candy though.

Alex offers him..

Candy corn? You suck!

I'm not a savage!  This is chocolate and caramel covered kernel corn...

Frank looks dubious but takes a bite

Hey! That's not bad. So where are we going anyway?

First you have to promise not to tell your mother.. she'd kill me.. Or at least try. Frank my boy I once met God and he told me I'm living to be 105 years old.

Yet you're still worship that spaghetti thing?

A good fettuccine always was a weakness of mine. It's a long story though...

As Alex continues to drive and talk with his stepson his mind wanders. Soon the likely ADHD or perhaps just alcohol fogged mind of Alex Richards wanders towards his match this week.

Everyone thinks this is going one way but it's really going in an entirely different direction. I know everyone is thinking this is going to be an easy victory for Angie Vaughn. Why wouldn't they? I've only had three matches in the XWF and two of them have been losses. The one wins was over two people you wouldn't even bother looking up to find out who they were. In fact Angelica already beat me once. Sarah Lacklin and her both pinned me at the same time. So let's recap.. I don't have a real win in XWF. I already lost to Angie once. She's the defending champion so she gets to make the rules for this television title match. So the result to this match should be obvious right? This match should be an easier win then Angie's victory last week over Noah Jackson last week, right? So why am I feeling so confident? Why do I believe this time things are going to be different?

A month ago the Just-Us league accused me of being overconfident. Of coming in here and believing I was going to have success because I had been successful elsewhere. They were wrong. That week. I wasn't taking them lightly. As a result we took them to the limit and I still believe we should have been victorious. But they were right.. I did take you lightly Angie. You made me pay for that arrogance. At the end of the match I even attempted to pick up both Sarah and you at the same time which lead to my downfall.

I apologize Angelica for thinking you were the weak link of your team and not giving you the respect you earned. That loss was the wake up call I needed though. You will not be facing an underprepared Alex Richards this week I guarantee you that. I let the fact that you are overshadowed by Sarah, a former world champion, obscure the fact that you are a talented wrestler in your own right.

You can  hear the amusement in Alex's voice.

I'm sorry. This was your first singles championship. You could be world champion someday. I've been world champion before and there is no feeling like it. But this is your first singles title in XWF. You're facing someone you are heavily favored against. Your first title defense.. let's be real was an awesome display of dominance. So I ask you this Angelica.. what happens if you lose? If I lose I was expected to. Which is funny because I don't expect to lose at all. I'm going to win this television title and then probably bug Jay that I won a championship before him because that's what guys do to their bros. The fact that I might bug Jay is the only uncertainty in this match on my opinion though. I am going to win. Who told me I was going to win this weekend? You told me Angie from your actions last week.

Alex raises an eyebrow

You dominated a  two time television champion. You beat Dionysus who I know personally is damn good. You have captured two tag team title reigns. So I have to wonder.. why are you so damn insecure? You spent two weeks desperately seeking the approval of Chef Ramsey. Are you not a champion? Is being a champion not enough to make you feel worthy. Instead you have to fame chase celebrities? What does that say about how you truly feel about yourself as a wrestler? I'm 1 and 2 in the XWF and if anyone asked me I'd tell them about how I'm a multiple time world champion, tag champion, television champion, hall of fame. I would even them to watch Action Wrestling's Evolution from last weekend and they could see me save my archrival from certain destruction. In short I know how good I am. But you don't Angie. That's why you may hold the title but you're not truly the champion you've simply a placeholder. You know what I would have done against Ramsey?

Dramatization. Didn't really happen. Probably. I mean Alex Richards could have shown up at Gordon Ramsey's house drunk on Zim-Quila at 4am and done this and is now denying it for legal reasons. But how likely is that, right? Cut to Alex Richards at a cook station. He tears up the recipe Alex goes into his ever present doctor's bag and starts pulling out a vast assortment of ingredients. Chef Ramsey approaches incredulously.

 Hey you.. donkey we have a pantry full of ingredients!

I got this Gordie. How about you just fuck off?

That's my line! Why the fuck did I agree to do celebrity Masterchef anyway? Arrogant disrespectful untalented fucks!

Why are you saying that Gordie? You haven't even tasted my scrambled eggs yet. They're gonna change your life!

For the worse!

First attempt

Alex approaches the podium with his eggs. Chef Ramsey can't believe it. They look like they may have been cooked for a maximum of five seconds.

What's with you wrestlers  serving me fucking raw food items!

Alex looks insulted.

They aren't raw. They have merely been treated with chemicals so they appear to be.

Who the fuck wants to eat that shit?

It's not shit it's the shit!

Alex eats some with his bare hands

Okay.. it is shit. But I can do better.

Second Attempt

Alex brings forth his second plate of scrambled eggs..  entirely purple scrambled eggs.

What did you do?

Alex grins and turns on his cheffy side, or at least his best attempt.

This is my play on a breakfast brunch with eggs and fruit.

Bullshit I don't see any fruit!

I used grape koolaid.

Why would you use grape koolaid?

Why wouldn't I use grape koolaid? Gives me visions of the Koolaid man busting through the wall and wrecking this whole studio!

Are you on any drugs?

I could save time and tell you the drugs I'm not on.

That's the first good idea you had!

Are you at least going to try it?

Fine..

Gordon takes a small bite and tosses the plate across the room shattering it.

If you were really as great a chef as you claim you'd know that glass doesn't improve the meal!

 Would you fuck off and die?

Alright.. I have one more idea. You're going to love this trust me.

Alex approaches huge grin and an ominous looking dish of eggs. Chef Ramsey's eyes grow wide as the smell hits him.

What the fuck did you do?

 I remember your appearance on Hot Ones.

 Fuck.. you didn't..

I call this Eggs Inferno. It's scrambled eggs with ghost peppers, Carolina Reaper peppers, Naga Viper peppers. A couple of other peppers I can't even pronounce. A pepper I found growing outside in your bushes. I'd calculate the Scoville units but I'm too drunk to operate a calculator.

This is the worst culinary abomination I've ever seen!

So my eggs don't pass?

Do I even need to state the obvious! You have disgraced..

Hold on a minute Gordie. I assure you I can create far far more creative dishes then this! Just wait until you have tasted my eggs ranchero. I mix dill pickles, an entire bottle of hidden valley ranch, scrambled eggs and a bag of cool ranch doritos together.. Or I could

Chef Ramsey holds up his hands in surrender.

Alright fine fine. I declare your eggs passable.

So if I was in the Scrambled Egg match this would have gotten me the win?

You would have won then I would have killed myself!

BEST RESULT EVER!

Alex immediately begins celebrating wildly, destroying the chef's station. Chugging several boots of Zim-Quila and finally treating the retreating Gordon Ramsey with a Zim-Quila shower before doing the same to himself using a couple of sausages as makeshift soap until the scene fades out.

That's why I'm so confident in victory this week. You spent two weeks trying to impress Gordie and Joey in spite of the fact they showed you no support and no respect. In fact they showed you nothing but contempt on that show. What was your response? You risked your television title in a match that cost your your championship advantage in order to seek Ramsey's approval. You're a champion Angie act like it! Instead you looked straight at a bully and licked their boots begging for their approval. It took me less then a day to figure out how to break Ramsey.

Alex winks

Allegedly. Because I know how bullies work. What did you gave Gordie fuel. He can take credit for your victory and claim it proves his methods have merit. I showed him I don't need or care about his approval. Because I'm Alex fucking Richards. There's a reason three out of my four matches here my opponents have been nothing but former multiple time champions. Because that's the level of competition you need to put against me. You saw the way the GPS toyed with Steele and Mustang. We took it easy on them because they posed no threat to us. Angie, I'm confident in my skills and in what I can do. That's the difference between us. That's why you have your tag team partner posing us your life coach. You can say that's for fun but there's a note of truth to it. So I ask you Vaughn. What happens when you lose? When you let all your fans down. When your title reign is over after a meager one defense? I'm asking you these questions out loud but these questions have already been running through your head since you won the championship. When the match starts, everything I rally that self doubt is going to run through you isn't it? The fact that on paper this is supposed to be an easy defense is going to haunt you when you realize how far from the case that truly is.

I have an advantage here Angelica. You defeated me once but I understand what your weakness is and how to attack that. You don't know a thing about me. I'll give you credit for trying. You did drink my Zim-Quila in an effort to learn about me. But culture appropriating my alcohol don't make you Alex Richards. Zim-Quila ain't a drink it's a lifestyle choice. Zim-Quila don't get me drunk it gets me to experience life in a whole new way. You don't drink Zim-Quila.. you use it as a tool to experience life in a whole new way. I mean even today.. it lead me to a garbage hut, a complete pervert, a disgusting immoral offer... and it's up to me to turn that whole experience into something epic, something impressive. That's what Alex Richards is all about. I'm not a drunk... I am excitement itself. You got to ask yourself Angie with all that life has thrown at me and I've conquered what do you have to offer? We all know the answer is nothing.

The last time you said I was forgettable. That Omega and I weren't actual competition. I don't take that personally. I use that as fuel. See, I don't take things people say about me personally. Just like I didn't take what Gordie, alledgedly, said about me personally. I just turn those words against them. For example, you will never be able to forget the man who defeated you for your first singles title now will you?

Alex shrugs

Make no mistake I don't think you're a bad wrestler at all. You clearly have talent. That's not why you're going to lose this match. You're going to lose this match because you're basically a caricature of a stereotypical valley girl. You're insecure and native with a narrow world view. You haven't experienced someone truly strange, someone truly different, someone truly unique like I am. That's going to be the difference. People like you are a dime a dozen. Someone who could potentially be on the way up if things break right. Don't get me wrong that's pretty impressive. But I'm someone who's won it all and seen it all. You offer nothing new to me Angie. So play some more drinking games to numb the pain of losing your first championship. Perhaps make some more eggs so you can remember when you earned Gordie's approval because you sure as shit ain't earning mine. You can bring your Clueless vibes all you want. To be honest, I prefer Jawbreaker anyways. At least they killed Marilyn Manson in that movie. That's the difference between us Angie. We're both all about fun but I have that killer instinct, that darker side you lack. I'll bet you even pick a goofier stipulation instead of one that helps you win. You could be world champion someday but you still have lessons to learn. I won't begrudge teaching you a few at the cost of that shiny belt of yours. I hope you don't show up to the ring underestimating me. I hope you don't look at my record and see me as an easy opponent.

Alex snickers.

I know you will. That's in your nature. As much as it's in my nature to take advantage of people who think I'm just a joke. Who think I'm just a drunk. Who think I'm just an easy opponent. With your maturity level though it's a given you're going to think all those things. You're going to buy into the theory this is set up to be an easy win for you. And that is exactly what I've been waiting for. I didn't have such a long successful career by being a dumbass. By now though it's already too late for you Angelica. You probably already picked a silly stip and spent a week not preparing for the biggest challenge of your television title reign. I ain't the doctor of mass confusion just because I carry this sweet doctor's bag. I sew the confusion and reap the benefits. After this week you'll know why confusion always reigns.