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Stevie Tyler · (07-16-2013)

Or, Will Someone Please Find An Exorcist?

Monday night and Stevie can barely move. The match he had at Leap of Faith had nearly killed him, so he thought. In reality, the fall from the top of the ladder through the announce table from inside the ring probably would have, but Gary has been doing an exceptional job of keeping his earthly host alive.

Stevie's not even sure he wants to be alive at this point. Sure, he'd always enjoyed watching wrestling. He even entertained the idea of becoming a wrestler, himself. You know, when he was 13. We all did. Let's be honest. All it took was a few PE classes and beatings in high-school to let him know he wasn't quite cut out for any sort of physicality.

He was lying in his bed, pitying himself, as is his nature, when his roommate, LJ walked in unannounced. LJ never knocked. You'd think he would after so many times catching Stevie admiring Julie's Facebook page. Without even asking how he's doing, LJ broke the news to Stevie.

"Dude, you've got another match already? You're nearly dead!" Stevie felt his gut drop through the floor. "What? Are you serious, or just messing with me? I'm really not in the mood for this," Stevie whined.

"Yeah. Against 'The Phantom' Jack Kronus," LJ informed him. "Xtreme rules again," he added just to see how miserable his roommate could get. Quite miserable, it turns out.

Xtreme rules was quickly becoming the bane of Stevie's existence. Next to the demon possessing him who's fault this all was in the first place. Stevie begged Baal'Nezz Golgari to not put him in all of this. He told him what a wimp he was and how cowardly he had been his entire life. So, what does Gary do? Not only possess him, but force him into the matches with weapons. Who knew demons could be such dicks?

"Jack Kronus? Are you serious? And he's not gonna' let me out of it, dude. I tried to stay home at Leap of Faith and just mail that title in, and he just refuses."

"Dude, don't even sweat it," LJ said, seeing how miserable his roommate was and deciding, miraculously, that he has a touch of empathy. "His name is 'The Phantom' Jack Kronus. 'The Phantom'...You have a demon in you. Why would you sweat a 'phantom'? Plus, what phantom are you most familiar with? Who is the most famous phantom you can think of?"

"The one in the opera?" Stevie asks like a complete woman.

"No, bro. THE Phantom. Old newspaper comic-turned movie. BILLY EFFING ZANE, BRO!" his roommate explains, getting more excited for Billy Zane than anyone since Billy Zane.
[Image: Billy+Zane+2010+Brave+Heart+Awards+r0cnrKwC7bIl.jpg]

[Image: Billy+Zane+2010+Brave+Heart+Awards+r0cnrKwC7bIl.jpg]

"What's your point?" Stevie asks, staring straight up at his ceiling from his bed. The poster of Summer Glau he had on his wall only barely comforting him today.

"That, and 'Jack'. Who names their kid Jack? That's the most boring, average name ever. Then 'Kronus'? Time. Put all that together. What do you have?"

"Dude, you are not making any sense and my headache is getting worse," Stevie complains, making LJ consider going and buying tampons for him.

"You get Billy Zane's Average Time. That's what you get. Who's afraid of Billy Zane's Average Time?"

"He's going to kill me. He's going to kill me. I don't want to go. My life sucks." Stevie was not budging. Dumb jokes about his opponent's name wasn't going to put him at ease. Plus, it was lazy.

"Your life sucks? YOUR LIFE SUCKS!? Dude, you are living the DREAM right now and you don't even realize it. You're a pro-wrestler, dude. We all wanted to do that, and here you are. Yeah, you're sore, but you should be dead. You're a superhero! MY life sucks! Here I am, 34, and all I do is sit around scratching myself. No college, no girlfriend, no real job. I would kill to have YOUR problems. I sit around and blame all my problems on my dead twin, dude. That's miserable. I'm a miserable person. Nobody knows what it's like to lose a twin. That's a bond that can't be explained, bro."

"Yeah, but your birthdays were amazing after that," Stevie says with all the insensitivity that's left him with no woman in his bed for, at the very least, 10 years.

"Well, yeah, bro. Super Nintendo was cool, but it can't completely replace a brother," LJ responds, showing near-identical amounts of autism. "All I'm sayin' is that demon of yours is a blessing, dude. I know you're scared of everyone there, and any sane man would be. But you've got an ace-in-the-hole."

"What does that even mean?" Stevie wonders. He's heard the phrase before. Was it a card game? He played collectible card games all the time, but never even started to learn Poker.

"I don't know," LJ said, showing the same ignorance. There's a reason they've gotten along so well together for the past 5 years. "You've got a mushroom in the box?"

Ahh...Mario references. That's something Stevie can sink his teeth into.

"But, he's ruining my life. I was just fine, dude. I hadn't said anything to Julie, but at least she didn't hate me. He blew up downtown around her and made me puke on her. I've got to call a church. I gotta' get this thing outta' me."

At that moment, Gary, sensing danger, came forth. LJ saw the change in Stevie's eyes and recognized it for what it was. He'd seen it enough by now.

"GARY! What's up, bro!" LJ high-fived Gary, who shot straight out of bed.

"Bro! It's been a while! You see me at Leap of Faith? I was AWESOME! That table didn't stand a chance, son! I heard you sayin' I've got 'Billy Zane' Jack Kronus this Wednesday?" Gary asked through Stevie.

"Ha! That's what I called him!" LJ said, missing where Gary JUST SAID he was listening.

"I'm gonna' straight wreck that fool! Imma' lock up with him...," Gary said, getting way too excited for Stevie's small bedroom. "...then Imma' whip him into the ropes. Then...Then, you know what?"

"What, Gary!? WHAT!?" LJ was dying to know.

"BIG BOOT, BRO! CHOKESLAM! ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! JACK KRONUS IS GOIN' DOWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNUH!"

"HELL. YES." LJ said. More high-fives were had as Gary destroyed the room, pretending a pillow was Jack Kronus.

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