After cashing in the reward on the head of Doc D’Villiday, bounty hunter Angelica Vaughn is caught up in a poker game at the once-thriving mining town of Berget with residents Thrice-Fingered Mack and Dances-With-Cunts, aka Consumption Jackson. Interrupted by rich booze entrepreneur Dionysus who wants to buy the land for cheap, given its fertility that makes it ideal for a new vineyard, she threatens him until he and his t.h.u.g.s. leave. But trouble may truly have descended upon the town of Berget, as Pink Misterton detective Vita Valenteen inquires with Angelica about the bounty she just delivered…

Angelica was casually twirling her colt around, holstering it and unholstering it in a dazzling flurry. While she seemed to be paying little attention to what was going on, she was keeping her eyes and ears wide open. She had brought Vita, the Pink Misterton detective, to the sheriff’s office where Doc D’Villiday was still bound and gagged in one of the holding cells.

The sheriff gave Angelica a reprimanding stare, clearly not happy with the casual use of firearms.

”Sorry…"

She holstered her gun one last time, and then nodded towards the holding cell.

”So he’s here, all locked up and waiting for a rope at the break of dawn. What’s there to worry about? Sheriff Debuchy and Deputy Pebbles can keep watch over him. Let’s go back to Bobby’s Bourbon Saloon, have a drink, eh?"

”It’s not that I don’t trust the sheriff, ma’am. It’s that I think a storm’s coming that not even she can weather.”

The sheriff sighed. Clearly, nothing about this situation pleased her.

Ruby: “Look, you Pink Mistertons think you can just waltz in everywhere and act like you own the place. Now, I do respect your station and your agency, which is why I’m even entertaining this, but unless you’re going to give me some solid answers, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, ma’am. Both of you.”

”Come now, sheriff. Surely you know this feller’s part of the notorious B.R.O.O.D. gang? And I’ve been ordered to tear it out of society by the root. Every second Doc here sits in this jail cell, is one second closer to their gang descending upon this charming little town and ripping it and burning it down to the last brick and plank.”

”The B.R.O.O.D. gang? I thought they were all but done for. Heck, I handed Wild Bill Nickle and Fury Crockett over to the law myself. Lived off their bounties like a princess for months."

”Your exploits are well known, bounty hunter. But they found a new benefactor, one who encourages their robberies and scams round these here parts, for sake of his own grand scheme.”

The Pink Misterton retrieved a set of folded posters and laid one out one the table. Angelica immediately recognized him as the feller from the saloon she had confronted earlier.

”Hey, that’s whatshisname… The wine feller! Dionysus!"

Ruby: “That’s alarming…”

”Correct. Thanks to his… sponsorship… the B.R.O.O.D. have grown in numbers and in strength. They act as his henchmen, while terrorizing these parts to drive down the asking prices for the land.”

”The fertile land he wants for his vineyard."

”Just so.”

The sheriff banged her fist on the table.

Ruby: “And with Doc, their good buddy, in custody over here, that’s all the excuse they need to burn this entire place to the ground, and have Dionysus’ flippin’ vineyard rise from its ashes.”

”Well, what are we waiting for, then? Let’s hang the villain already! If he’s dead, they can’t save him any longer anyway, can they?"

”Then their motive simply turns to vengeance, rather than rescue. We’re in this, my ladies. Us and this whole town.”

Ruby: “It sure looks like it.”

”So you’re saying that by handing this bounty in, I’ve doomed this entire town? I didn’t mean for that to happen!!"

Angelica felt guilty. She had only taken on the bounty because she’d needed money, and she’d only handed him in here because this had been the nearest town. But Vita was quick to reassure her.

”They would’ve found some excuse sooner or later. As you saw in the saloon, Dionysus is getting impatient. It was a simple matter of time.”

”Well, regardless, I’m staying right here to help defend this town. It’s the least I can do."

Ruby: “Good. We’ll need all the guns we can get. More importantly, capable hands to fire them. But before we go into town to recruit, we need to know exactly who and what we’re up against.”

”You seem to have a few more posters there, Pink Misterton?"

Vita nodded and spread a new one out over Dionysus’ likeness. It looked like a young girl, with fair looks and an almost innocent demeanor, but for the cold, dead stare in her eyes.

”Ohh, I remember her…"

”Dolly the Kid. Wild Bill Nickle’s protégé, now newest gang leader. So quick and accurate with an action bolt rifle that some people say it’s witchcraft.”

”She was something else. I’d hoped she’d turn away from a life of crime."

Ruby: “Easier said than done. She was raised for this. I’m not surprised she’s good at being bad. It’s all she’s ever known. She’s a known commodity. Any new ones?”

Another poster covered the table, of a scruffy-looking brown haired man who looked so plain that it was truly quite extraordinary.

”Mark Flyatt Earp. I can’t even begin to count how many met their fate at the end of his shotgun. Rose quickly through the ranks. Dolly is dangerous, but Flyatt maybe even more so. They say he can’t be killed.”

”You can say that about anyone who hasn’t met their end yet… Which is every person who’s alive. So that doesn’t scare me one bit. Who else is there?"

The next poster featured a pair of faces. Their gnarly teeth were evident in their wicked smile. Their faces and neck were covered in tattoos, and their hair was a matted mess of dreadlocks.

”These two… Da Bring Gunzz Twinzz. Their hearts are as empty as their skulls. I’ve never heard of two fellers having such a complete lack of morals.”

Ruby: “Rumor has it they killed their mammy and pappy, right?”

”If that’s the case, then they belong six feet under."

”I could not agree more. The rest of the bunch aren’t quite as notorious but like I said, their numbers have grown steeply over the years. We’re in with a tiny bit of luck though. One of their most dangerous enforcers, Ned Kassidy, was killed a while ago by a literal gorilla from a travelling circus. But still, they’ll bring every man or woman they can to this fight, and they won’t spare a soul.”

”Well, if this town is to have any chance of survival, we’ll need to mobilize."

Ruby: “Quite right. And soon. I’d be surprised if they’re not here before dawn. I’ll go have a word with Mayor Pryce and Vinnicent Lane. Pink Misterton, you run to the hardware store and commandeer everything we can use to build barricades and fortifications. Bounty hunter… go back to the saloon and start looking for others to join this fight.”

”An excellent idea, sheriff! I think I know just who to ask!"

---

---

"AW HELL NAW!"

”Come on, Mack!"

"Screw that! I’m outie! Back to my rich wife in Maine!"

Thrice-Fingered Mack slammed her shot glass of non-alcoholic ginger beer on the poker table and got up from her chair before reattaching her gun belt. Angelica put her hands on her hips as her mouth dropped in disbelief.

”Are you really just going to leave all these people to their fate and let the bad guys win?"

"They’ll run to the hills right now if they know what’s good for them. I ain’t getting caught up in some gang warfare."

”But… what about your mother??"

"What about her?"

”She’ll be a goner if you up and leave now!"

"Suits me."

Just as Mack put on her hat, an old, drunk woman stumbled into the conversation, reeking of gin. She pointed a crusty finger at Mack.

"Typical! Just t-typical. Fine, run! Run like you always do before I take the s-switch to your a-ass again. I’ll take up arms myself and drive those b-bastards away!"

Calamity Sid clearly had different opinions from her daughter. If she was trying to make Mack mad, however, she was doing an excellent job. Angelica seemed worried, nonetheless.

”Umm, ma’am, all due respect, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be firing a gun right now."

Calamity Sid snarled and pulled up her nose at Angelica before pointing the same finger at her and pricking it into her chest.

"N-now l-listen here, you little b-brat! I’ve been firing a gun from before you could even walk on those stilts of yours."

”I’m not little!"

"Whatever! I’ll join your fight. Not like Mackenzie here would be of much use anyway. You’ll do far better if I’m involved."

She might not have been in any condition to pull the trigger of a gun, but Sid had sure triggered Mackenzie with that statement.

"Oh yeah!? I bet I can kill a dozen of those suckers before you even manage to lift up your gun, rather than lifting a bottle!"

Mack and Sid were in each other’s face right now, and Angelica shuffled in between them to make sure they wouldn’t start trading blows.

”Sooo, does that mean I can count on you to help fight off the B.R.O.O.D. then?"

"Sure! I’ll show that old boozerag what a real gunwoman looks like!"

"Bring it!"

”Okies, errr… Miss Sidney, miss Mack, if you’d be so kind as to report to the sheriff’s office, the detective there can tell you how we can use you."

"Don’t tell me what to do, you little twerp!"

Sid and Mack made their way out of the saloon, still bickering, and Angelica spotted another former poker partner, this time sitting at the bar. She slid up next to him, ordered a drink and put it in front of him.

”Consumption Jackson!"

"No."

”Beg pardon?"

Jackson took the drink and slammed it down his throat. He never even looked at Angelica.

"Whatever it is you’re about to ask me, the answer’s no. I’m not dying for this shithole, cunt."

”Hmpf. Word travels fast, I see. But if I might make an argument, sir, considering your… condition… aren’t you going to die really soon anyhoo? And in quite a painful manner?"

Jackson finally looked up at Angelica, and scoffed.

"Suppose I catch a pair in the lungs. Think that won’t be painful?"

Noah went back to his drinks, and Angelica realized she was going to have to change tactics.

”Say, you never told me how you got your ‘other’ nickname. You know, the one from our native friends? But I think I have some notion. And you see, these fellers that are coming over, at the behest of Dionysus… one might make the argument that they’re a right bunch of C-words… And a couple of excellent… ‘dance’ partners."

"You trying to appeal to me vanity, cunt?"

Jackson looked at Angelica with contempt, but then sighed.

"Alright then. I suppose it’s better than sitting here and waiting for me to cough up a lung."

”Yay! Report to the sheriff’s office!"

"…that cunt…"

Muttering under his breath, Dances-With-Cunts put on his hat and left the saloon. Three people enlisted so far. They were going to need more. A lot more. But it was a decent start.

---

---

The rest of the preparations went about as well as they could hope for. Angelica managed to find over a dozen more willing gunmen and -women, all looking to protect their homes and livelihoods lest they be swallowed up by the greed and ambition of Dionysus and the gang at his behest.

Most residents had taken shelter in the house of Mayor Pryce, which was easily the most fortifiable, given the fact it was made out of bricks and cement. Even Vinnicent Lane had locked himself away, rather than joining the fight. In his own words, he was a ‘lover, not a fighter’, and didn’t want the security of him and his presumed fiancée compromised.

The best shots were lined up behind makeshift barricades, waiting for the arrival of the gang and its benefactor. And sure enough, it didn’t take long before a troop of horses appeared on the horizon, riding towards the town of Berget and leaving behind a cloud of dust that seemed to threaten to swallow it whole before long.

”Here we go, folks. Try and take care of the leaders first. Cut off the head, and the rest will take care of itself."

As they arrived at the border of the town, Dionysus ordered the gang to come to a halt. Dolly the Kid, Da Bring Gunzz Twinzz, Mark Flyatt Earp, and many more unholstered their guns or aimed their rifles or repeaters at the barricades.

"People of Berget! You have someone who belongs to us! Hand over Doc D’Villiday, and I will allow some of you to run for their lives. Obviously nobody who’s holding a gun right now."

Ruby: “Over our dead bodies, you bunch of brigands!”

"That can be arranged, sheriff."

”Ugh, the clichés of that feller… Can I shoot him already?"

"You can, but I received word from the agency earlier. There’s an official bounty out on him, and the reward to bring him in alive is twice that of his corpse."

”…I’ll aim for his knees, then, got it."

Dionysus gave the gang the order to attack, and like most shootouts, it was over faster than it had taken to prepare for it. Da Bring Gunzz Twinzz went gung-ho, shooting their dual-wielded pistols like a bunch of rogues and charging their horses at the barricades with little regard for anyone’s safety. Unleashing a hail of bullets and taking down at least 6 people in a matter of seconds, it was Mack who shot one of them in the neck, and Sid who got the other right in the heart.

"My kill was better!"

But Mack seemed to regret her words immediately as she saw the blood flow from her mother’s flank. She was just in time to grab her before she collapsed.
Flyatt Earp charged forwards in the confusion, and drew out Jackson, who got a bullet in the head for his troubles as it peeked above the barricade, courtesy of Dolly the Kid from almost a hundred feet away. His shotgun’s spread got two other citizens before the sheriff and the Pink Misterton flanked him and managed to hit him in the flank and shoulder. Earp crawled away and managed to shoot at least one more civilian before he ran into the barrel of Angelica’s sawn-off.

”Can’t be killed, huh? Let’s put that to the test."

The legends were wrong.

Other gang members descended upon the town, but both herds were thinned out quickly. Eventually, only Dolly the Kid remained, having been able to stay at a safe distance. She turned towards Dionysus, seemed to mutter something, and then fled the scene.

"Hey! Come back here! You owe me!"

But he was unable to make a run for it himself, as Angelica whistled for her horse and jumped right on top of Gary. She closed the distance within seconds, and it wasn’t long before Dionysus found himself lassoed, and hogtied on the back of Angelica’s horse.

”Your greed has cost many lives, sir. And you will answer for all of them."

She led Gary back into town, and the carnage became clear. Sheriff Ruby was grazed multiple times and clutching her arms. Calamity Sid was bleeding out in spite of Mack’s efforts. Jackson had no chance. And the Pink Misterton was clutching her chest, gasping for air after a stray bullet had gone straight through a lung.

“The fight is ours, for now. But at a terrible cost, and Dolly the Kid still lives. One thing is for certain though, Dionysus. You will HANG!

HANG!

HANG!

HANG!”

---

---

"ANG!"


Mary Vaughn entered the house to find her daughter and all of her dressed up pets in wild west costumes. The furniture had been overturned, and Angelica herself was wielding a toy gun, her cheeks all flushed from the exertion. She wasn't lacking for enthusiasm.

”Oh, hi mom! I was playing cowboys and Indians! Well, without any Indians, really. Or cowboys, I guess."

"Sweetie, aren’t you a bit old to be doing that?"

”Well, as the saying goes, age lies in the eye of the beholder."

"That is NOT how the saying goes. Who’s going to clean up this mess?"

”Oh, never mind. Look, Edith said that since I am facing Dionysus this week for the TV title, I have to *imagine* he’s a bad guy, since in real life he axly seems to be a pretty cool dude. So I came up with this TV scenario, cause TV title, for a wild west series about me as a bounty hunter! Pretty amazeballz, right?

And you know what? I think it’ll work. Now when I face him, I just have to imagine he’s really a booze tycoon who’s paying gangs to destroy towns so he can buy their land for his own empire. I’ll have no trouble caving in the face of someone like that. I’ll have no trouble choking out someone like that. This TV title match is the biggest single’s opportunity I’ve been given in my time here in the XWF. And I don’t want to waste it. It’s time to show everybody what I can really do! A shame it'll be at his expense. But I will have zero regrets."