At his resort in the Maldives we quickly spot Alex Richards, not that the man blends in anywhere holding what appears to be a 6 foot long sausage bun.
 
I thought it was a lovely peace offering.

Alex's wife Mariah Carey(no relation) and tag partner Jay Omega look at each other in disbelief.

You seriously didn't realize a giant hot dog bun was going to offend Hot Dog the Pig?

It's not like I brought mustard. I still say I shouldn't have gotten kicked out of sensitivity training.

Jay grins a knowing smile.

You did it on purpose didn't you?

I had to make last call and I was hungry. Seemed like a win-win to me.

a loud voice from the sky suddenly booms out. The slight lips gives away that it's the Seaman.

JAY OMEGA YOU MAY BE THE PIRATE WHO STOLE MY BOAT BUT YOU ARE NOT A BUTT PIRATE!

 No argument there.

SHUT UP AND GIVE ME BACK THE BASS 2 MOUTH BEFORE I MAKE YOU SUCK WITH THE FISHES!

It's sleep with the fishes dumbass. You owned a fishing boat and don't know that?

I WAS MAKING A PUN! OH FORGET IT... I'LL JUST MAKE YOU FACE MY WRATH!

The entire sunny bar is suddenly encased in white, sticky webbing. A helicopter lowers from the sky and out steps two men.. The Seaman and a super creepy Paul Reuben looking motherfucker wearing a mask that appears to be made of mucus green panties.

Give up GPS... I hired someone to give you his salty surprise. Meet.. Deviance!

Thank you Seaman.. I'll have you know GPS.. I made that webbing myself.. with my penis!

Fucking disgusting!

There's plenty more dirty tricks where that came from! Surrender the Bass 2 Mouth before I lay and grind on you like Dan Severn would!

I repeat.. fucking disgusting.

What are you even getting out of this?

When I get the Seaman back his boat he has agreed to let me go bass to mouth on him.. with an actual bass!

Not my proudest wank but..

Once again.. fucking disgusting. We aren't going to surrender the Joint Venture but we will give you an adventure with the soon to be XWF's greatest heroes... The Omega Man and Doctor Confuso!

Alex roars with anger.

Fuck no! We ain't doing that hokey fake ass phone ass tv superhero bullshit!

Jay looks confused.

 You do know that Confusio and the Omega Man are us right? I'm merely promoting comic book brand style synergy. I figured you would be down for the wackiness.

 I refuse to do anything that would lump the GPS in the same league as those imposter heroes the Just-Us league! Real heroes like us don't hide our indenties because we're secretly scared of the villians like Atomic Bat and Blue Tango. They use smoke and mirrors and stupid gadgets and then once the fight is over they hide until the next time THEY chose to supposedly fight crime. We dare the villians to take the fight to us at any point and if they do we give them the beating of a lifetime. That's what real heroes do! We don't hide.

I get your point but you know I was just trying to make things more interesting.. this really isn't going to be much of a fight.

While Alex and Jay were talking Mariah has launched herself over the bar and is now repeatedly kicking Deviance in the crotch.

Nobody shoots cum on my face.. got it!

I like her.. she's feisty.

You are aware that means you can't either right?

Once again my plans are ruined by some guy's wife! So as usual I'll do it myself! With my hand!

The Seaman uses his hands to grab a bottle of rum and quickly blast Alex in the head.  The big man is unfazed.

You think I've never been in a bar fight before?

Jay meanwhile smacks Seaman upside the head with his own rotten stash of weed.

I knew this would come in handle eventually.

Alex and Jay then pick up the overweight mariner and fire him across the bar top roadhouse style. Which causes Mariah to stop beating on Deviance and look at them with annoyance.

 Do you know how expensive that finish is?

Sorry.

You're whipped already.

How do you know what we do in the bedr.. nevermind. Let finish this guy off.

Exactly the same way we're going to finish off our tag title match?

You know it!

Alex lifts up the Seaman into an Electric chair position spinning him around and around until Jay leaps off the bar top in spite of Mariah's dirty look nailing Seaman with a flying neckbreaker as Alex drives him backwards.. aka The Dazed and Confused! Alex and Jay get up.. but Deviance has gotten back onto the helicopter and abandoned his boss apparently deciding to fight another day. Jay turns to Alex and grins. 

Have you told Mariah we're holding the victory party here yet?

She loves the idea. Or at least she will when I tell her. 

Mariah turns to Alex in annoyance. 

I actually do love the idea. You know how much business that will drum up?

So I make more money and get to party at the same time? Why that's just the motivation I needed! 

We're both already rich. Why do you need more money?

Alex looks at his partner as if he can't believe he doesn't know the answer. 

It's the principle of the matter. 

Jay shrugs and lits up a joint.


Later that night after the bar has closed Alex Richards sits alone, drinking thoughtfully from a boot reflecting.

This is supposed to be a battle of heroes for hire versus old school heroes. But there's only one real group of heroes. Considering the Just-us League appears as if they listened to that fucking Chad Kroeger song Hero for inspiration just so they could be as annoying and overrated as possible. My partner Jay respected the Just-Us league and look at how Blue Tango repaid that respect. He mocked Jay for losing at War Games when he didn't even have the balls to sign up. For me respect is earned and mocking someone else for putting in the effort when you won't certainly doesn't make you a hero. Furthermore I seem to recall you losing to Peter Vaughn so many times you took to a thinly veiled secret identity a toddler could see through. That's rich you mocking someone else for being a loser ain't it? You're not a hero you're a hypocrite. I may have lost my debut match but I own that shit instead of hiding and pretending my failure didn't happen. That's why I'm a real hero and you're just a pretender. You claim to be the underdog but the minute you actually started winning you showed what you really are. You're just an undersized bully. The worst part is it's not even deserved. Your Just-Us league is only 3 and 1. That's hardly the stuff of legends around here. You act like you're a big deal but you have hardly accomplished anything. Jay took on people like Corey Smith and Mark Flynn. The Just-Us league spends most of their time on the B show in hopes they don't have to face top competition. We are not the same. I'd rather lose to Sarah Lacklin a million times then try to pad my record in order to look good like you guys do. You come out and condescendingly ask me when is the last time I took my wrestling career seriously.

Alex slams his fist down on the bar.

The XWF is partnered with Action Wrestling so if you spent any time researching your opponents you'd know I'm in their next Hall of Fame Class. I'm also a member of the WCF and UCI hall of fames as a point of fact. As well as world champion in all of them. I could go on but I think I've made my point. Which leads me to ask you.. when's the last time YOU took YOUR wrestling career seriously? Because it would have taken you several seconds worth of research to learn that while I'm not a serious person outside of the ring I am a serious threat between those ropes. You're what passes for a champion around these parts Tango? You must have gotten lucky.. else you hope your lack of doing research discourages people from researching into your past huh?

Alex grins slightly and takes another drink from the boot.

Actually you did get lucky. Even though you watched apparently none of my matches I've seen yours. Before your tag title match Jason Cashe questioned why you guys were even getting a title shot. He underestimated you and as a result lost the tag team championships. Now here we are and you're overlooking your very first challengers for the belt? Jason made a mistake and paid for it.. it seems like you guys are either being wilfully ignorant or just plain stupid.

Alex snorts

Jay offered to help you against Doomsayer but I think you guys would just get in the way. Tell you what after you fail.. the real heroes will take over from the imposters. You beat a makeshift team that didn't take you seriously. Jay and I have not only fought alongside each other for years but we're a team motivated to shut you up and make you look foolish. Not that you aren't already doing that yourselves. Because after all the time you spent mocking Jay's lack of success you sure are going to look bad when Jay and I have our breakthrough moment at your expense.

Alex thinks for a minute then goes behind the bar mixing something.

But just to show there's no hard feelings.. I'm making a special cocktail in your honor. Well Atomic Bat's honour. I call this one.. the second fiddle.

Alex finishes, making a small shot glass with what appears to be straight vodka in it and the other one is in a giant pitcher with at least 6 different brightly colored alcohols inside of it and topped with whipped cream and sprinkles.

The Just-Us League huh? We all know that Blue Tango is only teaming with Atomic Bat because Peter Vaughn rejected him. Then beat him over and over again. He kept coming back hoping to prove himself to Vaughn.. then he lost again. So finally he gave up and settled for a partner that actually wanted him. But don't be fooled Bat.. he'd drop you in a second if Peter came calling. I'm here in the XWF teaming with Jay because I want to. Tango is beating with the Bat because he has no other options. Now I know why you're called the Just-Us League because literally no one else wants to have anything to do with you!

Alex then proceeds to down both drinks.

To be honest I prefer the straight vodka anyhow. It hits harder. Like you do Atomic Bat. It's obvious you're the real strength of the team. I've been keeping tabs on you and I've seen you save Tango's bacon on multiple occasions. While I don't like you I do have to admit that unlike your partner who's only skills are running their mouth and acting all emo about Petey rejecting him you have actual abilities. Of course you negate most of that by being just as full of yourself as the ol' tango. Maybe that undeserved arrogance is what really draws you together. I mean you are the kind of people who become superheroes for the fame. Makes me wonder what's going to happen to you when you lose both your titles and your claim to being the true heroes of XWF to a superior team.

Alex smiles a knowing smile.

I know what will happen. Like the false heroes you are you'll blame each other and implode. Because you're all smoke and mirrors. All style and no substance as a unit. The fact that you were 50s style superheroes was a novelty. But the GPS.. we're the real deal. You made it a month as a team though. I guess that's something. You know why I know that's going to happen? Because you ain't a real team. Just showing up and claiming to be a team don't make you one. You need shared experiences. Through that you learn you can rely on your partner and vice versa. You're just two people pretending to be a super hero tag team. After our match this week everyone is going to be able to see the difference between our teams and spoiler alert.. it's not going to end with you continuing to mediocre up them straps.

Alex retreats, picks up his boot then shakes his head setting it down and getting back to serious business.

I have to give Atomic Bat some credit though. At least she actually knew who I was. I do mean some credit because she immediately then went into the same tired bullshit every veteran says to someone new to a fed. It's different here then anywhere else. As if I came here expecting to be handed things because I was successful elsewhere. The last three feds I've competed in I'm now in their halls of fame. Do you think I would accomplish that by taking the competition for granted. Saying that is an insult against every person I've ever competed against. I don't join a fed because the competition is easy.. I come to fight against the best competition in the world. But if you want to imply I'm overconfident.. have you looked in a mirror? Are you seriously comparing yourselves to the elite of the XWF. I don't see Mark Flynn, Centurion, or Raion Kido. We're only facing the duo who lost to the makeshift team of Sidney Grey and Gina Van Zyl. Just because you were here before us doesn't make you legends you gotta earn that shit. I'll put this in terms even you guys can understand. In the marvel universe consider yourselves Howard the Duck. You guys are the tag team champions and that is an accomplishment to be sure. But more less so when you consider how many real tag teams you have defeated. Sure your brief partner has been better then a large number of make shift tag teams but facing the GPS is a whole different animal. We aren't two people thrown togther. We're a legitimate unit who has spent years honing our craft together both in the ring and as heroes in our own right. You may be wondering why being heroes together has helped us as a team and that's a simple answer. Our surival has literally depended on each other more then once. Or more then ten times. How can a unit that just formed as both a tag team and a superhero duo compete with that? The obvious answer. You can't. Soon the world is going to know that as well. You're two people who couldn't hack it in the singles ranks so you decided to team up. Jay and myelf are mutiple fed, multiple time world champions. I'm saying that to brag but to make a point. Jay and I are a team because we want to be not because we have no other options.When this match is over Atomic Bat The GPS will have turned your hero status from  batman er woman ripoff to 70s porn parody Bat Pussy.  As for you Blue Tango you're already a master of two different dances but I'll teach you a third when I monster mash your face in. This is going to be your last dance with the tag team titles I promise you that.

Alex takes one sip of the boot, then stops.

As a man who collects hall of fame plaques like The Just-Us league collects undeserved keys to random cities there are people from the XWF history I look to for inspiraton. Mark Flynn is a four time tag team champion. Peter Gilmore held the tag titles an astounding 7 times! Just a few years ago Them No Good Bastards held the tag straps for almost 7 months straight. Those are tag team legends. The Just-Us league would be mere footnotes in history. The team the next great tag team dynasty defeated to start their first reign. Everyone always thinks I'm just in wrestling to bring the party. And I am. But once I step through those ropes the party stops. For my opponents at least. The Just-Us league doesn't want to think I'm a serious competitor. That's playing right into my hand. You don't want to have me seriously? You don't want to prepare properly? That just makes my job that much easier. Also makes me that much more motivated. My whole life people haven't taken me seriously. People haven't treated me with respect. Back in the day it just made me angy. But I don't like being angry. So instead I use it to drive me to succeed. Sure, I lost my debut match. That's happened before. When I lose a match I come back more motivated. When I'm facing opponents like the Just-Us league who insulted my partner's lack of success and treat me as if I'm some kind of joke? I'll make sure we'll the only ones laughing when this match up is over that's for sure. I'm not here for fun. Well not just fun.. hey Jay.. where'd I put those fireworks?

Alex jumps as off in the distance the stoned Omega starts lighting off bottle rockets.

Everything is better with a little Zim-Quila. You should see how it burns.

With another smile, this time a sincere one Alex heads off to make mischief with his friend before they make history.