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Dionysus · (03-11-2023)

Tick.

The clock ticked loudly in Dr. Elbrook's office.

I recommended to him that he should really get the clock fixed. Replaced, even.

I suppose this is his silent way of telling me he wants to hear my real problems, not my distractions.

Rather than having a couch for the patient to lie down on, Jonas kept a small table and two lounge chairs to encourage his patients to have a conversation instead of just wait for the prompts. It was an effective method, especially for me, who saw through the mental gymnastics of the furniture setup right away. "It has been some time since you have made an appointment with me. For a moment, I was worried my work was finished," Dr. Elbrook commented. Having been raised in the Iron Range, his Norwegian-tinted accent was more prominent than others. But that is to be expected for a Minnesotan. He gestured to the chairs, where I took a seat. He sat down across from me, reaching over to a pitcher of water. "Care for a beverage?"

I shook my head politely. "Perhaps later. I'm feeling okay now...if a bit stressed."

"I can imagine," he continued, changing his reach to the notebook and pen on the table. Once retrieving them, Jonas leaned back in his chair, clicking the pen and flipping to a blank page with his other hand. "Your friend Benjamin had sent me an invitation to a fundraiser for your new business venture. So Bacchus himself fancies himself a winemaker as opposed to a wine drinker, huh?"

"Dionysus, please," I replied, rolling my eyes at the comment. "And yes; I wanted to find a use for my match winnings that would give me a foundation to fall back on in the event I had to stop competing. I would think given my history, you would be supportive of that."

Jonas clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Dionysus...you and I both know that I am here to help you in any way I can. So of course I support your efforts. What I am here to do, however, is get to the why."

"Well I would think that is simple," I nonchalantly commented. "I like wine. I know people who want to make wine. I want to work with those people and give them the opportunity to make wine with me."

"And do you know how to make wine?"

"I can learn."

Jonas tilted his head and his eyes narrowed, his pen in a flurry of scribbles as he took notes. "In previous sessions, I expressed the need for you to take care of yourself. To put your needs to the front. However, I feel as though I was unclear. Having the desire to do as you please can be satisfying, but without the motivation following behind, those goals will crumble away, leaving you with a greater dissatisfaction."

I sighed loudly. Jonas's increasingly annoying evaluation of a pet project I was working on was not the kind of feedback I was looking to receive. Even more annoying was the fact that I felt he was right. "In other words, because I have a goal but no plan with it, it is doomed from the start?"

"Not so much doomed as it is inevitably doomed," Jonas said plainly. "The more vague your intentions are, the more likely it is that mistakes will be made. Tasks will be missed. It is a setup for failure, something I would hope you would try to avoid."

"But I am not working on this venture alone," I protested. "There are those that will help me with the winemaking, my administrative team-"

"I am simply informing you of the hazards on this road," Dr. Elbrook interrupted. "You have a good head on your shoulders. All I ask is you keep those goals at the forefront of your mind as you continue to make plans for this new venture. Take a minute to breathe." As he coached me in previous sessions, I took in a deep breath...held it for ten seconds...and slowly exhaled. I hadn't realized how much tension I was holding from this business, but for now, it had melted away. "Good. Now, lets discuss the other part of this business. The why. I feel you may be getting involved with this as another means of avoidance."

It was my turn to narrow my eyes. "Avoidance?"

"Well yes. Between your career as a professional wrestler, your various philanthropies, and now this...I have to ask; just what is it that you are looking to avoid?"

The silence was deafening in the room...well, almost deafening. Aside from the subtle sound of that damned clock.

Tick.

In a tournament like this, there are three key elements that a competitor must have in order to make it to the finish line.

You need to have the fight. You need to have the drive. And you need to have the heart.

Barney Green gave me a fight.

Mark Wright gave me the drive.

Now I stand before you, Ned Kaye, ready to claim the heart.

Yes, Ned Kaye; former television champion, member of the group Saga, and another in this tournament who lets his own self-doubt and rigid perfectionism get in the way of just getting the job done. In all sincerity and without any hint of bile behind it, you seem like the type of person who shits gold bricks but is also disappointed that you don't piss diamonds.

...Though perhaps, that may be a benefit rather than a curse...

You and I are birds of a feather, Ned. We both hold doubts deep within ourselves, doubts we wish to silence, with the hope that winning this tournament will either be the start or end or exclamation point we want it to be. We are both men who value a certain level of professionalism and decorum when it comes to our bouts; playing by the rules but bending them just slightly if the need arises. And in recent weeks, we have both seen a little spring in our step with relatively positive outcomes in the risks we have chosen to take. And before you suggest otherwise, yes, I do consider romance to be a risk worth taking.

That said, it is also where those similarities end. To me, I see a man who views himself as the pulse of Warfare, perhaps even of XWF; the constant need to prove yourself to yourself and beating yourself senseless when the outcome does not land in your favor leads some credence to that. And because of this role you seem to have given yourself, you truly see me for the role I am performing; the upstart outsider with name recognition coming in and posing as a threat to the proof you are chasing. So to help ease your burden, I'm going to be honest and blunt with you.

I want you to beat me.

I want you to beat me bad. I want to see you just run roughshod through me in our encounter. Earn a victory so convincing that no doubt can be made about the ability that you have. I want this for you because truthfully, I think this is something that you need. Winning this will erase the negative feeling in your mind, that you are capable of reaching the pinnacle. But you and I both know that the doubt will not end here. Winning the tournament alone will not satisfy you. No, it is everything beyond this tournament, the doubts that come once you reach the top of the mountain, that you need to prove as well. Sure, go on and win the tournament. Stand tall over the opposition that lay decimated at your feet and revel in the great deeds you have done.

...But the page turns, and a new chapter begins. And that is when you must ask yourself, "well what happens now?"

The big fear. The unknown. Will you stare into the abyss, losing yourself in the eternal darkness? Or will you move forward, throwing caution to the wind and facing what may come?

Having the fight is easy. Power is simple to prove, whether that is based around pure strength or just the ability to overcome. Having the drive is more difficult, but not insurmountable. After all, wisdom can only be obtained after identifying the "Why" as opposed to the "What." Truly, it is in the heart that we face our greatest challenge. Courage is something to be fought for and acquired, and is not easily given. Holding onto the fight, the drive, and the heart is the only way to truly prove you belong.

And that is precisely why I will take your heart.

Nothing personal, I hope. It is simply my role in this endeavor, as a man who understands the importance of these things. I can let every doubt imaginable crawl into my head, but once that bell rings, I have to flush that from my mind and focus on the task at hand. It is an action I have had to take many times, as each challenge becomes more difficult than the next. If I hesitate for even a moment, then those opportunities slip through my fingers. It is possibly why I ended up taking sixth place in the World Series of Wrestling. It is definitely why, for the past five years in Action Wrestling, every opportunity I have had to claim singles gold has slipped through my fingers. Needless to say, I have much of my own to prove. And it is in this tournament...no, it is in this federation...where I intend to make my case. That I am just as capable as those who sit in the upper echelon of talent. That there is a place at the table for me.

I cannot afford to let doubt cloud my thoughts and set the path for my motivation.

It should not control you either.

All there is...is the battle.

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