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Lacklan · (02-24-2023)

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Todd hummed to himself as he put the last few touches into his work. No one within the XWF offices knew that he was secretly the person behind the Ladies Football League tweets during the games…after all, his call name of “#TotesNotTodd,” suggested to him by the newest office intern and master of the secret identity, Vita Valenteen, was ingenious in its obscurity…and he preferred it that way. Way, way, WAY too many people surrounding the LFL, either the previous version or this revamped one, were super creeps, and he didn’t want his contemporaries around the office to think of him as one of those creeps. And since every other tweet from a member of the LFL was basically porn, he didn’t want anyone sneaking a peek into his cubicle and getting the wrong idea! Especially during the Cincy Hit Girls games, because those “pussy pics” from Angelica Vaughn were as “not safe for work” as one could get.

“But I won’t do that!”

Todd looked outside his cubicle and saw the bossman himself, Vinnie Lane, rocking out with his boombox slung up on a shoulder.

“NoooooOOOOOO…I won’t do THAT!”

Like many others, Todd wondered what, exactly, Meatloaf wouldn’t do for love. Perhaps if he was a certain Green Disease, “that” would be the word “hell.” After all, when in a world of extreme violence, attempted murder on camera, and rampant drug use, saying “hell” instead of “heck” is just one bridge too far. There must be SOME limits.

“Coo! Coo-coo!”

Todd blinked in surprise at the sound of a pigeons’ coo, but found understanding when he looked down. At his feet, wearing a bright red ribbon and clutching a jewel case, was one of the pampered and, quite possibly, actually extinct albino carrier pigeons employed by what had become his weekly charge around the office, Sarah Lacklan. With a gentle touch, Todd took the jewel case from the bird, who took flight immediately, though he noticed the bird took the time to poop on Jerry. Though since Jerry had Chris Page Duty this week, it was par for the course, really.

Sitting again at his desk, Todd removed the CD from the jewel case, inserted it into his computer, and prepared himself to see what his charge had sent in this week.

Presenting the House of Lacklan Saga Story of:

Blood Sport Princess II: The COOmite

Casting Call!

Hello everyone out there in #CoolTube land! This is Sarah Lacklan…THE reason for being and I’m joined here today by we're here today by a very special guest, the blondest of the bombshells, Roxy Cotton!

Hey, bb

…whoa! Why did my viewership numbers just spike?

We know why, bb.

Hmmm?

Hold on…

((Roxy walks out of the view of the camera))

Hey, my numbers fell back down to normal.

((Roxy walks back into view of the camera))

Hey, right back up again! That’s weird.

Yeah, real weird…

N-E-Ways, Rox is here today-

…against my will…

-to help supervise the casting call for the next Dark Goddess Productions movie…a follow-up to, and mash-up of, the two HIGHEST RATED EVER Anarchy promotional videos-

They’re called “promos,” Sar

-which you can watch right HERE and HERE. And that sequel/follow-up/mash-up/revisit? Blood Princess II: The COOmite. Because, like, its all about birds.

How did I get roped into this instead of Kenzi?

She’s the director, silly Roxanne, she’s busy!

That’s not my name, bb.

Now, I have sent out the call ALL ACROSS THE LAND for birds who fit the bill to compete to the death…well, in the movie, obvs…and, as you can see, the Baby Birds out there have answered in FLOCKS!

((Sarah’s SWEET Windows phone, resurrected in THIS PROMOTIONAL VIDEO RIGHT HERE, much to the joy of literally everyone, is turned to see that, yes, there are a TON of people here with birds of all sizes. Said SWEET Windows phone…with its less than HD recording technology…turns back to the #CoolKids duo))

Now, as you can imagine, amongst this SEA of people who responded to my outcry for participation and cameos, which always happens-

That actually never happens, bb.

-WHICH ALWAYS HAPPENS, you probs be somewhat LESS than shocked to see some familiar faces! But, of course, the MOST familiar face is the STAR of the upcoming movie…Va’Shin-Ay!

((the camera takes in the sight of an insanely buff pigeon fitted with razors on her beak and in her claws, her feathers fashioned into a mohawk, and a necklace of claws around her neck))

…is…is that…?

Yep! The claws of vanquished foes! Pretty sure there’s a couple of Hootie the Owl in there.

#RIP

Now, as some of our friends approach with their offerings to this casting call, I can’t help but think of, and be worried about, Atara Raven.

You did not just start cutting a match promo with me here.

Oh, what was that Roxy? WHAT am I worried about? I’m so glad you asked!

…sigh…

What I'm worried about is that Atty is going to be a waste of my time. Now listen, I don't mean that wrestling her is a waste of my time, obvs. Me and Atty wrestling on Weekend Warfare after both getting eliminated from the tournament makes totes sense! But, after I mentioned last time that I don’t really even know Atty beyond the surface of being possibly cute and funny, I decided to do a deep dive into her-

Phrasing, bb

-, at least insofar as the XWF is concerned. And a couple statistics jumped out at me.

Nope.

((Roxy begins to walk away from the dreaded Sarah Nerd Statistics, but she’s stopped by an approaching Angie Vaughn))

Hey, girls!

Hey, Angie.

Sister! Weird, my viewership just spiked again. Hey…um…what’s that?

((Angie proudly holds up a bird cage))

Ser Phyllis Dra#Cool! I figured he-

That’s a bat, sister.

Yeah, and?

The movie is about birds.

Yeah, and?

I…um…

He has wings!

You DO know that bats and birds are different, right? It’s important to me that you know that.

Of course she does!

Of course I do!

Listen, I appreciate it, but-

Hiya!

((All three blonde heads, Sarah’s platinum, Roxy’s bleached, and Angie’s dirty, jump at yet another fair-haired woman))

Hey, Jen! I-

Look what I brought!

…that’s a headless chicken, Jen.

Isn’t he the cutest, SarBear? I’ll take him to wardrobe!

((Lots and lots of confused blinks as Jenny bounds away))

And that, girls, is why I’m working on her. Reminds me too much of Mother.

Oh yeah, now I see it.

I miss French Bordy.

N-E-Ways, the statistic-

SIGH

-that bothers me ISN’T her record, as you’d expect. Mind you, THAT sucks. Like, REALLY bad. Like, Atty’s had PLENTY of matches in the XWF…over sixty! And she’s only won, like, less than half of them. Barely even a bit over a third are wins! And that’s WITH me giving her a couple of wins that I’m not sure about. See, some of the tapes have been lost to time, so I just gave her those mystery results as wins for the shiggles. Rox, please get the team working on those missing results asap.

…sure, bb

Like, I’m not going to point out how many of those ‘wins’ were for dumb shit like the Internet or Shooting Star championships…or how her losses include Peter goddamn GILMORE…but the stat that REALLY bothers me? 71%.

Rat Girl! I have bird for you!

Hey, Coda.

That’s not Coda, Rox.

That’s Dani Chow, my lawyer. Dani, what are you

……..

………………

Dani, is that a rat with wings tied to it?

Yes! I bring rat bird to Rat Girl!

Dani, I swear to God-

She has a point, Sar. Your eyes do look like-

NOT HELPING!

Thanks for coming, Song.

That’s not Song, Rox.

Wow, look at Sar twitch.

You okay, Sister?

I’m fine.

….Song.

You SURE you are okay, Sar-Sar?

…..SONG!

STOP IT!

Hehehe

N-E-Ways! 71%! THAT’S the amount of times Atty hasn’t given a shit…and THAT is what I’m worried about! You know how we are contractually obligated to promote our matches, yeah? And how SOME of us think about it a lot, and plan how we’re going to do things, and execute interesting, poignant, and varied content? And how SOME of us just wait until the very last second every single freakin’ time?

Oh wow! Would you LOOK at the time! Gotta go!

((Angie scuttles away before she can be shamed further))

Well when it comes to Atty, that 71% comes in this way: Of all those matches she’s had, right? Warfare, Savage, Anarchy, PPVs. Singles, tags, clusterfucks. Title matches, curtain-jerkers. ALL of them, right? When it came time to promote her match, when it came time to GIVE A SHIT, she’s only shown up 71% of the time. Yes, dear Baby Birds (and Roxy), when you think about ALL the chances she’s had to shoot a promotional video, she basically stayed home almost a THIRD of the time.

((Somewhere in the endless timestream, Future Mark Flynn sets down his adult beverage, stands up, and applauds Sarah’s usage of a particularly, and unnecessarily, specific statistic))

And considering she’s only WON a third of her matches, I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of correlation to her not giving a shit a third of the time, ya know? And don’t get me STARTED on some of those promotional videos. It seems that just about every other one is basically “Welp, time to say goodbye!” or “This is the end!” or some such fatalistic drivel.

Speaking of drivel…..hey, Noah!

Dude, you brought a bird! What kind is that?

A galah, cunt.

And what kind of bird is that?

Cockatoo, cunt.

Hey Sar, don’t those birds learn to-

CUNT!

….goddamnit…

CUNT!

CUNT!

CUNT!

Okay, we get it! Head up to wardrobe.

Thanks, cunt.

CUNT!

Well, I guess that’s better than the cardinal Dolly showed up with. I keep trying to tell her that the only thing Kentucky is good for the Derby with all the swanky hats and beautiful horses-

I hate that you’re a horsegirl.

-but she insists. So, I guess Atty only gives a shit about tweeting...hey, can I borrow your phone for a sec?

Why not use yours?

...Twitter isn't supported by Windows phones...

Loser. Here.

That's...what...200 tweets in the last two weeks? Lots about underwear football-

I'm the best.

-but nothing about shit that axly matters.

Hey, is that a dove?

….uh oh….

((Indeed, someone had brought a dove to the casting call. Flying from Sarah's shoulder, Va-Shin'Ay-))

Todd turned off his monitor before he could witness any further carnage. The way the pigeon had slashed at the poor, defenseless dove was too gruesome even for a lost Anarchy match, and that was saying something! The dove never, ever had a chance. With a shake of his head, Todd banished what he had just seen and decided that he could really go for a nap. Ah, but what to help him sneak in said slumber within his XWF cubicle?

DING!

Perfect! Todd smiled as he popped in the latest Ned Kaye promo. After all, if anything in the world would help him fall asleep, it would be listening to Ned cut a promo on the wrong wrestler.

Again.

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