We start back up right where the new BastardNet programming left off. We see a disheveled Charlie Nickles standing in front of a tall chain link fence while wearing no shoes, dirty socks, and sweat stained clothing. In his right hand his fist clenches around a wandering baseball that just so happened to land inside of The Nickleman’s sandlot. He doesn’t look too happy about it.

Now why the fuck would I give this ball to you hooligans?

We’re not hooligans, mister!

We’re god-damned mini-bastards and we want our ball back!

That’s when we see two children walk up to the other side of the chain link fence. These child actors, of course, have had Bobby and TK’s faces superimposed and CGIed onto them. The CGI looks a little bit clippy and low budget, but don’t worry, that’s just part of this cinema’s artistic style.







The Nickleman huffs incredulously as the two mini-bastards look up at him from the other side of the six foot tall fence.

I’m not giving you shitbirds anything back! You knocked it over here, so now it’s mine! Hahahaha!

Charlie Nickles guffaws to himself as he turns to walk away. The Nickeman starts tossing the ball up and down in his hand as his feet get to steppin’.

Ah shoot buddy, I’m not sure what we’re going to do now. He doesn’t seem to want to give us our ball back.

This is horse shit! Chrissake! My step-dad bought me that baseball and now this loser bum is just going to steal it? Nope, not on my watch!

So what are we going to do?

The two mini-bastards look between each other in confusion. TK starts scratching his head before he finally just shrugs.

I’m going to figure it out! We’ll get it back soon, Bobby. Now come on, we need to go steal a baseball from the slow kids down the lane so we can finish out our game.

The Nickleman plops back down in his tattered lawn chair as the two bastards throw their hands up in frustration and walk away from Charlie’s sandlot. Behind The Nickleman we see a derelict family home with chipped paint and boarded up windows. Charlie starts cackling as he keeps tossing the bastard’s ball up and down in the palm of his hand.

Tonight, I bet those little bastard are going to wish upon every single star in the sky for this ball to come back to them. Ahhhhh, the ignorant delusions of the youth. You can wish upon a star with all your might, and pray for your wildest dreams to come true…I think we’ve all done this at one point or another in our lives. Some of us as children, some of us wishing for something as simple as our old baseball back.

Charlie suddenly catches the ball in the palm of his hand before clasping his calloused fingers around it.

But some of us keep wishing, wishing, and wishing well into our adulthood. Wishing for things we’ll never have, wishing for things we don’t deserve to obtain. It’s sad, it’s pathetic, and it’s becoming oh-so-predictable from all the chaff in this company trying to get on my ass.

Finn Kuhn’s wishing on those same stars right now, at this very moment. That prissy metro is gazing up at my star power and just praying he can be the one who makes me fall. He’s staring into my shining light tonight, just hoping that my burning brightness starts to fade. He wants to make The Nickleman bleed, he wants his first Main Event victory in years, he wants to be a big star in the XWF.

Charlie Nickles chuckles to himself as he scratches his bearded chin with his empty hand.

That boy wants to be me, he’s just wishing for my spot as the star of Wednesday nights….

Charlie Nickles rolls his eyes and shakes his head from side to side. A cocky smirk stays plastered to his face as he goes on.

But what does wishing on a star to be a star do for ya? Hoping and praying never did shit for me, and won’t do shit for Finn either. At the end of the day all this ‘training’ That Finn Kuhn is doing to prepare for this match, all these ‘strategy sessions’ with his trainer….that kiddy bullshit is just the grown-up version of wishing on a star, of hoping and praying that your hardwork and dedication will pay off. But spoiler alert: it never does.

Do you remember looking up in the night sky as a child, picking out a shining star, and making a magical wish? Of course you do. But did it ever work? Of course not! Because it just wasn’t meant to be. Because wishing, praying, hoping, and working really really hard just doesn’t work.

Never has, never will.

This world is a harsh place ruled by the twin forces of power and violence. I have both in abundance, so I don’t need to wish and pray- I just take and maim; but what about Finn? What’s HE got in abundance, besides a wardrobe of designer clothes? I know it’s not wins! Does Finn even have blood in abundance, or will his rivers run dry after one poke from my devil hooks? I guess we’ll find out tomorrow night.

Remember kids, it takes a minute to pray and a minute to wish….but it only takes a couple of seconds to bleed out and die. That means right now, time is on my side tomorrow night against Finn Kuhn.

The Nickleman stares into the camera like a Kubrick-esque madman before slowly leaning back in his tattered lawn chair.

Finn Kuhn is focused on all the wrong things leading into our match tomorrow night. He’s too focused on building out his moveset, on learning new techniques, on trying to have the best tactics. Finn and his shit-for-brains coach think THAT’S how you beat Charlie Nickles. They think the secret sauce to success is hard work, dedication, and sticking to the fundamentals.

Jesus fucking Christ how boring is that? Finn Kuhn has as much charisma as the mold growing inside TNGB’s collective cumrag.

Charlie Nickles rolls his eyes in exasperation with his opponent’s played-out approach.

Finn needs to know that it ain’t about WHAT you do in that ring, it’s about HOW you do it! You need flavor, you need flair, you need savagery: because every single wrestler in the XWF knows how to make the sausage in the squared circle- that’s why they’re in the big leagues! Every Tommy Wish, Ned Kaye, and Big Preesh in this company would clean-up shop if the only thing that mattered was their ability to do a fucking armbar.

The Nickleman shakes his head in annoyance as he huffs out some more hot air.

Finn Kuhn heard people talking about my power moves and thought he had to change up the way he wrestles just to match me. Jesus Christ this guy just doesn’t get it, does he? When people talk about my ‘power moves’ they aren’t talking bout my little in ring moveset. They’re talking bout the way I shift and shape the entire foundation of the XWF! Like an artist with a chisel, I just hammer away at the parts of the picture I can’t stand until they fall to the wayside. With just a few foul words and backstage attacks I can turn any legend to a Ghost- from Caedus to Alias to everyone in between.

THOSE are my power moves. THOSE are the kinds of moves I make. What kind of moves is Finn Kuhn learning to compete with that?

Charlie Nickles leans forward in his chair as he places his hands on his knees. He brings his hands together and holds the baseball in between them as he stares into the camera.

I’m the soul reaper, Finn Kuhn, don't you know that? You shouldn’t play around with me, you shouldn’t tempt me to lash out and do crazy things. I break necks, I crack spines, I drive people out of this business….and sometimes, I even do it in the ring! And tomorrow night, that’s exactly what’s going to happen!

This might be a first blood match but you can bet your sweet ass I’m not stopping there. After I have Finn cowering there after the match, covered in his crimson mask,  I’m going for second blood, I’m going for third blood, and fuck it, I’m even going for fourth blood! I’m going on and on until I have Finn laying there like a lifeless husk, or until the security team pulls me off of him!

The Nickleman sports a wild look in his eye as he tilts his head to the side ever so slightly.

I’m a one-man-army that fights with the spirit of 300, always ready to cut any self-proclaimed immortal off at the pass. Finn wants to talk about honor, wants to talk about pride, wants to talk about attitudes....god damn he’s talking like a loser already. Honor and dignity ain’t never won no war against The Nickleman. Your hardwork and dedication can’t pierce my flesh, can’t cut my skin. This match ain’t about dignity and it ain’t about ethics. We’re not matching on Christian Mingle, aight bud? It doesn’t matter if you like me or think I’m wholesome. All that matters is that I’m going to cut open some holes in Finn’s fucking face tomorrow night!

Charlie lashes out wildly with his free hand, striking out towards the camera in a rage- but his fingers only brush the tip of the lens.

There ain’t never been a man as filthy, nasty, low-down and disgusting as Charlie Nickles! The things I do to people in that ring are beyond mere imagination. The things I have done on camera caused entire networks to change their TV guidelines. I’m not just a one–man wrecking ball, I’m an entire demolition team dedicated to blowing up everything you fucking hold dear!

I’ll take your favorite wrestlers, I’ll take your best friends, and I’ll drive them off these battlefields with relentless intent! I target the hottest female talent for beatings and humiliation- because it gets me off. Jenny Myst, Dolly Waters, and Mark Flynn can all attest to that. Those fucking idiots ran through the Bastards studio, and now, the footage of the Bastards running through those fucking idiots plays on loop in our studio!

It’s fucking karma. You bite my shit and I bite back, hard. You make your whole world about my world, and my world ends your fucking world! I wonder if Finn has any regrets yet….

The Nickleman stretches a grin from ear to ear as he stares down at the camera.

Robert Main and Jim Caedus ain’t here no more, Finn Kuhn- and I played more than just my hand in making that happen, so that’s why I get to call myself the Alpha and the Omega of the XWF, that’s why I get to tell you that I climbed the APEX of the XWF, and it’s why I will always look down on you in that ring- because what have YOU ever accomplished in that ring?

If Finn Kuhn thinks losing matches is what makes you great, then my losses to Alias should mean far more than his spanking from Buster Gloves. When I lose, I do it on the biggest shows to the biggest names. When Finn Kun loses, well, that just means it’s Wednesday! And Finn Kuhn isn’t the biggest name, just the hardest to spell- but we all know what day tomorrow is!

Finn Kuhn simply won’t beat me- because he simply can’t beat me. I’ve pushed the true legends to their limits and I’ve sent all the frauds to early graves. Finn Kuhn’s too focused on what I have to say to him- he’s losing focus on the things I plan to do to him tomorrow night. I’m no chef, all I know how to cook up is beef- but even I can tell you that’s a recipe for Finn’s disaster!

Charlie Nickles chuckles to himself, throwing his head back in joyous laughter as he leans back in his chair. With baseball in hand he wipes a few beads of sweat off of his brow- because thrashing someone this hard is always exhausting work, especially when there’s no meat on their bones!

As The Nickleman leans forward and prepares to dig in on his opponent once more, he hears a sudden rustling from the bushes just beyond the chain link fencing. He immediately cocks his head to the side and, like a dog, you could swear you see his ears tilt towards the sound.

Now what’s this? Someone come to join me for lunch? That’s great….because I have enough cans of WHOOP ASS for everyone!

The Nickleman rises abruptly from his lawn chair, sending it flying backwards. He charges over towards the bushes near the fence with angry intent in his eyes.

Who goes there! You better answer me before I go get my gun, because I might just be in fear of my life!

Charlie cocked a smirk as he made his less-than-empty threats. He wasn’t going to use a gun: he was just planning to beat the piss out of whoever he found in the bushes! But of course, Charlie Nickles will always go the extra mile just to make his antagonists feel uncomfortable.

Do you think he’s really going to shoo-

SHHHH! Shut up or he’ll find us!

We hear two familiar voices coming from the bush along the fence, and Charlie immediately draws a scowl. On the other side of the screen, the audience begins bracing themselves as the dramatic tension builds. A subtle soundtrack is pumped over the scene to really accentuate the coming climax of our action. The audience is completely on edge, being edged, right now, wondering what’s going to happen next….just like the film’s director, Barney Green, was always intending.


BZZZZZZZRRRR BBBBBBZZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRRR BBBBZZZZZZZZRRRRR



Until Charlie’s phone started going off script. As the cell phone buzzes the camera suddenly fades all the way out to reveal that this derelict neighborhood is really nothing more than an incredibly expensive studio set in the middle of Hollywood. In a chair off to the side we can see the one and only Barney Green holding a director’s megaphone up to his mouth, clearly frustrated.

Barney: Ugggggghhh. CUT! Charlie, turn that freakin’ phone off- the scene was going perfect- just turn it to silent and we’ll pick up where we left off!

Charlie pulls his pink iphone out of his pocket and goes to silence it when he sees the Caller ID flashing across the screen. The screen reads ‘Connie’s Cell’.

Connie?

Charlie leans against the fence, his flesh sinking into it’s chains as he repeats the name of his ex-wife and 2x baby mamma. She hasn’t called him from her personal number in years. The last time Charlie checked (last week), she still had him blocked.

So of course he felt compelled to answer.

Charlie looked over towards Barney Green and waved him away.

Barney: Charlie….NOW! Come on, we only have so long to film this movie bro! And you know it cost us Marf’s entire salary to get the rights to make a Sandlot parody! This is supposed to be our Oscar’s nomination!

The Nickleman scowls and chucks the baseball in his hand at Barney Green, hitting him right in the head! Barney Green and his director’s chair fall backwards towards the ground, emitting great laughter from the cast and crew- except for Charlie Nickles, who is now hustling off screen as he holds the pink iphone up to his mangled right earhole.

You’re tired of all the sissy boys and you want me right now? Well of course I’m on my way to you!

As Charlie suddenly starts sprinting off screen the cast and crew start murmuring amongst themselves about what to do. That’s when we see two small people step out from the bushes near the chain link fence, without the CGI faces of TNGB superimposed upon them. As the camera fades to black we see that they weren’t child actors at all, but instead, it was Li'l Elvis and El Búho from the XWF’s minis division!