Bobby Bourbon is giving Charlie a shoulder rub near an idyllic pond as we open our scene. The calm waters of the pond are only disturbed by waves from the occasional jumping of crappie fish. Nearby, a wrestling ring has been set up. Surrounding the ring are some bleachers, which are filled with fishing/wrestling combination enthusiasts. Jenny Myst can be seen on the first row of the bleachers playing with young children, hopefully not teaching them about the birds and the bees. Mastermind, meanwhile, has decided to watch the action from the knee-deep waters of the pond. It’s unclear why Mastermind is here, but he clearly placed himself at the Crappie Cup!

The camera zooms in on Charlie and Bobby as The Nickleman turns back to ask his friend a pressing question. At this point we see that Charlie Nickles has a blunt tucked between his lips, and he’s actually just offering it to Bobby.

Wait, what are we even doing here, Charlie?

We’re going to win this Crappie Cup and then one of us is guaranteed to get a title shot at Relentless! I guess Theo is just handing headlining spots out to anyone who can win a crappy cup, so shoot, why not us?

Charlie nods his head as he hits the blunt again.

That’s a damn fine idea, Charlie! That’s way better than your plan to just retire Mark Flynn and take his spot. The big whigs would never go for something so simple and common-sense as that!

Bobby, these are both my plans. This is all a part of the same plan. I was plotting this all last week during my hardcore drug binge!

Charlie turns back around with incredibly bloodshot eyes and a dopey expression.

Wasn’t really a binge tho….this is a lifestyle, G!

Bobby sighs as he reaches for Charlie’s blunt to take it away. Bobby takes a drag. He provides a perfect French exhale before flicking the blunt to the ground.

Hey, that was my last opium blunt!

That is some alright weed with some lousy opium, bro.

Charlie shrugs as Bobby turns around to receive his own backrub. It is at this precise moment that YOU, our very unobservant viewer, notice that Bobby Bourbon was still wearing that leather smelting glove lined with fishhooks! It’s now covered in blood, and Charlie’s right shoulder looks all sorts of fucked up- but he doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he kinda seemed to like it!

You know Bobby, that new technique of yours was really something special! All the tension is just gone from my shoulder!

I know! Those goody bags that Fishin’ Bob Williams gave us when we signed up had some cool stuff in them, like that massage glove! What was in your bag, Charlie?

I don’t know! I’m not going to open it until I need it!

But if you don’t know what’s in it, how are you going to know when you need it?

I guess we’ll find out!

Charlie places his hands on Bobby’s back and begins performing an intimate bastard massage. The knots and stress in Bobby’s upper back slowly get pushed out and worked through as his good friend Chucky Murder presses his dirty fingernails deep into Bourbon’s tissuey flesh.

Ohhhh yeah…..you’re doing it just like Miss Fury used to do……

Bourbon says through gritted teeth.

The massage?

No- this ‘massage’ is actually kind of painful. I’m talking about your plan! It’s devious and delinquent, just like Miss Fury used to do! When you told me you were going fishing last week, I didn’t expect you to bait the hook so expertly!

Well yeah, of course my plan is working! I’m great at making plans- I make the best plans.

But wait…what’s the end goal again? To defend the uni belt against the tag belt, or something?

What? No! I was just trolling Mark Flynn the whole time, and it worked expertly!

Charlie turns to the camera and gives us a classy wink as he keeps burying his dirty fingernails into Bourbon’s shoulder tissue.

And then, I baited him with that whole ‘career vs career’ shtick that is never going to happen! We’re both under contract til’ like 2024 or some shit, and no pipebomb promo is going to change that! I mean you know how wrestling promoters are these days! But I perfectly baited the hook, AGAIN! It was epic 4chan stuff. Now Mark Flynn’s going to waste his entire promo talking about retirement matches. Career v Career is such a tired, played out gimmick that nobody ever likes….and now he’s spending all his mic time talking about it! All while we go win the Crappie Cup and get his #1 contender’s contract voided! I’m a damn genius, Bobby!

Oh, right! You have Flynn out here looking like Charlie Brown every time he opens his trap, and you just keep pulling that football away every time! He never learns!

Charlie takes one hand off of Bobby’s shoulder to give a bloody thumbs up to the camera.

How do you even keep track of all these constantly evolving plans? It seems like every day there’s another branch to this mysterious tree!

Uh….to be honest, I just do hard drugs and let them take control. Shit, this week I forgot I even had a match against Mark Flynn until I saw a piece of dogshit on my lawn. I mean, Flynn’s just so forgettable! He’s so forgettable that the XWF production crew forgot to air some of his segments back in 2012, and now they’re trying to shoe-horn them onto TV now!

Oh….well, I’m sure it will all work out. First things first, one of us needs to win this crappy cup and get the #1 contendership that is apparently secretly baked into every off-brand tournament these days.

Charlie’s face turns to one of determination as he comes to embrace the weight of the stakes before him. As he grows more determined his ‘massage’ grows more forceful, causing Bourbon to yelp and leap forward! Bobby looks down and rubs both of his shoulders.

It looks like a pitbull was chewing on my arms!

We’re going to intimidate everyone with these insane flesh wounds! Another step of the plan, checked off the list!

Charlie and Bobby both grimace as they struggle to high five with their injured arms. That’s when the gruff voice of an older man was pumped in through the PA system.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR FIRST MATCH OF THE NIGHT IS SET TO GET UNDERWAY!

Oh, sounds like the tournament is about to start. I never saw a card, so I wonder who’s going first.

It’s probably gonna be me, because I’m #1!

Bobby looked at Charlie and just chuckled before the PA system picked back up.

ANNOUNCING FIRST, FROM SOMEWHERE IN OHIO… HE IS KNOWN AT THE MOST “DICKISH” AND “COCKSURE” MAN IN ALL OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING……HE IS THE ONE, THE ONLY……..

Charlie elbowed Bobby Bourbon before he started sauntering to the ring.

THE PICKLEMAN!

Charlie’s jaw dropped and he stopped a dime.

You’re kidding me….you’re fucking kidding me….why does every fucking booker get my name wrong?! How hard can Charlie FUCKING Nickles be to announce?!

As Charlie throws his hands up in a rage, the audience begins to cheer and applaud as someone starts walking towards the ring from the back….



The Pickleman high fives a few fans before rolling under the bottom rope and parading around the ring like some sort of big time star. The crowd’s applause grows louder and louder as The Pickleman runs up the turnbuckle and blows a kiss to the stands. The obese nurse from Charlie’s last promo is in the stands and she takes her bra off before throwing it into the ring.

Who the fuck is this guy?

I don’t know, but he must be a big deal somewhere else.

Oh yeah, ‘a big deal somewhere else’. CCPE’s cup was full of those pieces of shit! Ain’t no indy darling running a cinderella story here, not now not ever! If you’re not a big deal in the XWF then who the fuck cares?

Yeah, I don’t know either, but I guess Theo Pryce and Vinnie Lane really value those wins over guys from shittier federations, no matter how unimportant those ‘other federations’ really are.

That’s so fucking stupid.

AND ANNOUNCING NEXT………..Charlie!

The crowd quiets to a murmur as everyone looks around.

Does he mean me?

I think so.

That was a shitty announcement!

Just take a lap, Charlie, and go wrestle circles around that indy darling! We’ve been taking laps for months now, so you definitely have the cardio advantage!

Charlie throws his head back in a yet-to-be recognized rage as he storms towards the ring and slides under the bottom rope. Charlie starts to approach The Pickleman, but he’s waved off by the referee and told to head to his corner.

BOO! Charlie, you suck!

Shut your whore mouth, Jenny, before I take your TV belt away a day early!

Bobby Bourbon walks over to confront Jenny Myst as she starts to heckle Charlie from the bleachers.

GO PICKLEMAN!

Mastermind, still standing knee-deep in pond water, throws his support behind Pickleman as well! Charlie snarls at Mastermind as Bobby and Jenny get into a heated argument in front of the bleachers.

Charlie leans back into his corner as he waits across the ring from a slim looking man in a pickle costume. When the referee calls for the bell, Charlie stays in the corner and beckons for his opponent to come forward. Instead of doing so, however, The Pickleman takes this free time to turn towards the crowd and hype them up! Charlie groans to himself as the crowd starts clapping and stomping in rhythm with The Pickleman’s theatrical antics.

GO PICKLEMAN! *Clap Clap, Stomp Stomp*

Even Mastermind gets in on the action as The Pickleman works the crowd into a frenzy. Charlie sighs and shakes his head before looking directly to camera.

I guess I have to give the guy credit….he sure does know how to look good before a loss.

But Mark Flynn?

He just can’t give credit where credit is due, can he? I mean, did you listen to his last attempt at stand-up? The way he tells that funny story, all it took was an untalented, mediocre PLEB- a complete laughingstock- to end his tag partner’s undefeated streak. The back-to-back War Games winner, the sole survivor, Flynn’s better half- brought to fucking heel by a fat-ass like me.

Whoda’ thunk it?

Well, for starters…..I’DA THUNK IT!

Charlie looks away to make sure that Pickleman is still focused on the crowd. When he sees that The Pickleman has climbed a turnbuckle and is showboating from on high, Charlie turns back to camera.

I mean shit, this same FAT-ASS, this same MEDIOCRE LAUGHINGSTOCK, is the only man on the roster to ever pin Kido for a championship belt. He’s the only man in the XWF with two wins over Theo’s Rising Son. He’s the man who retired Caedus, Lycana, Granger, and according to some- he even retired Alias! He’s the longest reigning Television Champion OF ALL TIME, so of course I expected him to break Criminal’s streak! Winning big matches on TV is literally my whole M.O.! Flynn prides himself on being a ‘well researched’ and ‘prepared’ wrestler, but if Flynn’s ‘research’ didn’t tell him that I’m a prime-time player, then I expect to be preparing his hide for a god-damned taxidermy tomorrow night!

See, I don’t need to lie about Flynn like he lies about me: I’ve never once disputed the fact that Flynn is ever so slightly above average in that ring. But Flynn has to lie, constantly, all the time, just to make it seem like this match could be close! The fact is I have never dropped a fucking match to Flynn..that was Marf. I’ll man up and admit that -I- dropped a match to Crim’- but I already got that shit back in spades! And now I’m going to clean up Marf’s fucking mess, too!

I’ve fought both Mark Flynn and Crim’, and lemme tell ya, while Flynn knows what all the fancy wrestling moves are called, only Crim’ is good enough to pull any of them off! Flynn wants to pretend that two weeks of his training put Crim’ over Kido at War Games? BULLSHIT! What, are we supposed to believe that Flynn forgot to train himself for two weeks before Leap of Faith?!

As The Nickleman blatters to the camera, The Pickleman leaps off the turnbuckle and hits Charlie square in the jaw with a flying dropkick! From here we transition into an epic and extreme montage clip where we see Nickleman and Pickleman having an insanely epic, once-in-a-decade style match. Clips of crazy moves from the top rope, big transitions, and false finishes roll across the screen. In the background we see that the crowd is going crazy, but the rest of the wrestling talent is all thinning out as they watch The Nickleman take control! Blood, sweat, and even some bones begin littering the ring as even El Knuckle gets intimidated and decides to duck out of the competition! Eventually, Charlie Nickles is able to catch Pickleman in a Devil Hook Drop from the top rope that looks to have broken his neck. The referee counts the pin and Charlie slowly rises to his feet, bloody and bruised, but victorious.

Congratulations! You just won the Crappie Cup!

Charlie Nickles wipes a literal sheet of blood and gore off his face as he looks around the ring. The Nickleman, as bloody as we’ve ever seen him, stumbles to the ropes as his vision starts to clear up.

Huh? What? Wasn’t this the first match?

It was, but you kicked that indy darling’s ass so bad that every other competitor just left!

Charlie looks around and sure enough every other wrestler has left, even the professional clinger-on Mastermind seems to have lost interest in the Cup and disappeared back into the pond from whence he came. The only people left in attendance are the wrestling/fishing combination enthusiasts, who are all on their feet giving The Nickleman a standing ovation for his tremendous efforts. The obese nurse from earlier seems to be especially impressed.

But wait, where’s Bobby?

Oh, that tall funny looking guy? Him and that clown girl got into a fight and then went off to climb some fourth wall or something!

Charlie stumbles around in a bloody state of confusion as the promoter hands him the most coveted wrestling cup of 2022, the first ever WGWF CRAPPIE CUP! Charlie holds the cup up high as he lets out a mighty roar. The promoter and the referee walk out of the ring, leaving Charlie there alone…where of course he starts cutting a promo directly to where he THINKS the camera is….

Flynn says I’m not good enough to win the universal championship…..but I’m good enough to win a crappy cup, and I’m definitely good enough to beat Mark Flynn! I’m the Sun-fucking-Tzu of the XWF! I shit in my hand, and then I smacked Mark Flynn’s fucking face with it- I must have got it in his mouth, because he’s been talking about nothing but my obvious bullshit for the last fucking week!

Mark Flynn forgot the first rule of war: never trust your enemy.

How the hell was Mark Flynn ever going to end my career? If you listen to him talk, it sounds like I don’t even HAVE a career! Flynn’s a stupid fucking puppy dog that trusts every damn word I say like I’m his fucking owner or something. This match was never belt vs belt or career vs career, this match is X-treme Rules, motherfucker it says so on the card! Flynn must think I’m an all-powerful demigod in the XWF, but dog, if you want out of a contract you gotta talk to Jefferson, and if you want the stipulation changed you gotta talk to Barrows!

But don’t get me wrong, Mark Flynn….we’ve still got reservations in heaven. Our only match stipulation, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is X-treme fucking rules! And Flynn can’t handle X-treme rules, his style is too formulaic and predictable. I’m able to bait him into every stupid decision, he falls for all my tricks, and in our X-treme rules match, those tricks’ll get deadly!

Flynn’s all too predictable, I can call out every fucking move he’s going to make before it happens. I knew he’d bite on my lures, and I know for a fucking fact he’s about to cut his own nose off to spite his fucking face all because I bit it.

I busted a piping hot creampie inside of that pussy War Criminal on Warfare, and when he got backstage he asked Mark Flynn to lick it up and kiss it all better….I guess Mark Flynn said NO, and now the couple is probably breaking up on Savage! Mark Flynn must blame Crim’ for what happened to him- and now he’s going to Soda Popinski that motherfucker! It’s not long term storytelling when you repeat the same story over and over again with different side pieces! I’ve hated this predictable shit since day one, and that’s why I broke up the tag champions, with my all-powerful weapon, with my- with my-....

Charlie's heart starts racing uncontrollably; he drops to one knee and clutches his chest. Charlie suddenly collapses to the mat in a bloody mess alongside Pickleman, causing the bag in his waistband to fall out and revealing his secret weapon…..the devil hook lure!