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Agent Orange · **07-07-2013, 02:42 PM**

XWF HEADQUARTERS – PRESS ROOM

**Reporters and columnists for different pro wrestling magazines and websites have congregated in the XWF press room. There is a black podium with the XWF logo on it standing in front of a large XWF backdrop.

Agent Orange, dressed in a black suit, an orange shirt and a black tie, comes walking into the room and stands before the podium.**

Agent Orange: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to thank you all for coming to this press conference. I would like to deliver a prepared statement and then I’ll be open for questions.

**Orange pulls a tri-folded packet of papers from the inside of his suit jacket.**

Agent Orange: I have gathered the esteemed members of the professional wrestling press together today as I need to comment on my actions on the July third episode of Wednesday Warfare. Professional Wrestling is a business where athletes have been given the charge to get the masses at large emotionally invested in the contests that they are watching and it is my belief at this time that I may have taken my responsibility to entertain and to engage to inappropriate lengths.

To Mr. Satellite and Tony Santos, I apologize. Not for the things that I have said and done, but for putting myself in a position where I could not deliver the best possible wrestling contest to you as possible. I maintain a firm belief that both of you are top-tier talent and that I will use the remainder of my tenure with the XWF to strive for such exaltation of prestige and accomplishment. As of this statement, I am still in a match with Tony Santos at Leap of Faith. If that match remains intact, I pledge to make supreme effort to deliver the quality of competition that you demand. Mr. Satellite, I would like to state that your position as one of the top talents within the organization is a lofty expectation and I will continue to compete with integrity until such a time we may meet in physical contest again.

To Steve Davids…

**Agent Orange looks at his notes, to the men and women around the room. Orange looks as if he has a bad taste in his mouth. He crumples up his statement and tosses it over his shoulder**

Agent Orange: To Steve Davids: if you ever step foot into the XWF locker room or an XWF ring ever again, you had best be prepared to eat through a straw and sign over your paycheck to the nurse who is going to wipe your ass for the rest of your life because you will be diving into depths of brain-dead previously thought undiscovered. I get it that you are fine with failure, you ape, but I’m not. You lost your manhood when you lost the Xtreme Title and you left me hanging. The long and the short of it is that I’ll never trust another tag team partner again and as soon as you surface in people’s minds, I will be the one drilling a steel chair through your cranium again. I might have looked foolish at the end of the match with Tony and Satellite, but rest assured you’ll be the one without the ability to Velcro your own diaper.

Men and women of the professional wrestling press community, I assure you that the XWF is not taking my actions lightly. I have been handed down a punishment that is cruel, unusual and unnaturally severe. After perpetrating the attack on Steve Davids at Wednesday Warfare, I am being forced to wrestle Alexandra Callaway; yes, the girl with the Menstrual Blood Photo Sessions. I have to wrestle her. I’m not happy about my situation at Wednesday Warfare, but the XWF brass says that I have to wrestle Morticia Addams and I have to live with those consequences.

I am willing to address questions.

**A reporter stands**

Reporter One: Yes, Agent Orange, why do you feel that wrestling Alexandra Callaway is a punishment? She’s been in some good wrestling matches since arriving in the XWF.

Agent Orange: Since I’ve arrived in the XWF, it feels as if I’ve been involved in Nightmare Before Christmas Championship Wrestling. If I wanted to get a fix of some gothic broad in a wrestling ring, I can pay $9.99 on pay-per-view and not risk getting my gear stained with Clamato Juice or whatever the Twihards are drinking these days.

Reporter Two: Orange, what will be your strategy going into the match?

Agent Orange: Well, for starters I’m either going to arrive at the arena the day before or just before the match. Alexandra Callaway has this handicap of being a woman and therefore cannot operate a car. If I risk being on the road in a motor vehicle at the same time she is, I risk being in an automobile accident, I’ll never make it to the ring. If I can make it to the ring safely, I will bring chocolate and asprin because she will surely be menstruating and not in the mood to wrestle anyways. Next question?

Reporter Three: Are you at all concerned that Alexandra has the superior wrestling style to yours?

Agent Orange: What makes me a winner is that I believe that my wrestling style is superior to everyone’s. Had I not been in a handicap match against Satellite and Santos, Steve Davids would still be able to count to 11 without dropping his pants.

Granted, I’m not familiar with the “Barefoot and Pregnant” style of wrestling but I can’t imagine it’s better than mine. Next?

Reporter Four: Alexandra Callaway has a pretty gruesome appearance and persona; are you prepared for the mental game that she plays?

Agent Orange: Sure, her promo shots have her covered in blood. I can’t concern myself with her heavy menstrual flow and inability to keep it contained to sanitary products. I’ve been in relationships before and so I already know her mental game: all of the other cutters in her support group are prettier than her, her black angel wings make her look fat, she can’t fit her cankles into her favorite pair of Doc Martens.

She should be concerned with my mental game: I’d rather be in a match with a prettier woman who takes care of herself and doesn’t act like a carbon copy of her mother. I’ve got time for one more question.

Reporter Five: Orange, your comments are pretty stiff; aren’t you worried about drawing the ire of support organizations?

Agent Orange: Again, this match is punishment for beating Steve Davids into wearing a bike helmet while he eats soup. This match has been a joke since it was booked. Am I worried about a bunch of women with hairy arm pits, tank tops and mullets picketing my matches? No. The sooner they learn their place, make me a sandwich and go clean something, the sooner we’ll all be able to move on.

Again, thank you members of the press for coming and hearing my side. I’m looking forward to putting this all in the past as soon as possible.

**Agent Orange exits**

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