Hello my dearest viewer, or should I say it in the sensual language of Swiss? H̵͍̪̫̗̲͊̃ủ̵̢̜͇̪̭̆͌̍̀͋͝r̴̗̈́̒́̓̉ď̷̡͇̝̠̒̀ẙ̴̹͓͓́̈́͊̀́g̴̛̭̠̍u̴̼͊r̶̹̻̭̤͑̂̇́d̸̰͖̺̻́̉̀̀̇̂͝ͅy̵̡̛̱͉̩͇̫͆̀͂͑̚̚ my dur vu-er. Such a beautiful language, it's no wonder they perfected chocolate and massages; those insanely horny bastards with such silky words like that. Now, I know what you're thinking, Dick! My gorilla grip pussy is aching to see the greatest cheekbones I've ever seen and abs you could grind a roast pig upon! Why are you obscured behind this accursed black screen!
Ssshhhhhhh, my disappointingly flat-assed viewer. I will come soon, but first allow me to spin you a tale. A thick terrifying large tale, a tale so mouth-wateringly turgid it'll ruin any other tale you hear after this. A true story! The truest! Taken from my perspective at an event I was not present for. COME! Come water effect flashback transition with me to, like, yesterday!
We go to XWF HQ, specifically to the office of one Theo Pryce. He is at his desk smacking his hands onto his laptop.
"Ah yes, I love being a big businessman doing big business."
The door bursts open and Theo looks at who has entered, the mechanical gears in his neck due to being a robot (this is canon, I promise) whir loudly as he examines the slim and flamboyant Vinnie Lane wearing a tragic outfit that doesn't match at all.
"Sup dude! I totally stole my entire personality from Dick Powers!"
Theo nods as his servos spark.
"Yes Vincent, you tell me all the time and I concur. Are you here to do big business? I am busy replying to Smoking Bob on an important issue he has."
Theo spins the laptop to show Vinnie who leans in to read.
SBW: The roster keep having fun how do I stop them?
Vinnie laughs to himself.
"Wow, he's dumb. Put 'em on Anarchy, dude! Easy peasy lemon squeezy or some other dumb shit I say."
Theo closes the laptop and interlocks his virgin fingers that have never touched the inside of a woman's thigh as Vinnie Lane leans his non-existent ass onto Theo's desk.
"Listen bro-seph, we got a totally un-gnarly sitch goin' on with the" Vinnie does his trademark hand to the ear and mimics scratching a record. "Wickety-wickety War Games, homeboy!"
Theo sparks some more.
"Initiating concern protocol." Pryce leans in at a subtle 15-degree angle and clasps his fingers together. "Concern protocol completed. I come to the conclusion you are worried about the string of dropouts."
"I totally am mi amigo! We need to keep this thing copacetic and right now we got more flakes than my hideous scalp!" Vinnie removes his bandana revealing his grotesque, unnaturally long forehead and a scalp to rival a salt deposit as a blares. "Thankfully, we got Thaddeus Duke constantly cradling our sacks so we can use him to replace Savannah Knightley and make Dolly Waters happy, even though she has never and will never do anything good for the company and is as two-faced and pathetic as that aforementioned baby dicked bitch boy."
Theo eyes static over slightly.
"Logical error! . . . Isn't the skill gap between Savannah Knightley and Thaddeus Duke quite extensive? They're nowhere near the same talent level, however, I do detect that their estrogen levels are relatively similar. In spite of that, isn't this replacement completely biased, unfair, and illogical?"
"Yes."
The two stare at one another in silence for a few seconds.
"Splendid! Then we shall proceed as normal. What of the other dropouts? Shall they be replaced too?"
Vinnie thinks for a moment, unsure if the decision of making the competition fair will affect Dolly's mood. Vinnie clicks his fingers with a great idea.
"We'll get Chris Page back!"
"The guy that we hate and will screw at any opportunity despite him being one of our biggest draws and creative minds ever? The man who was forced out of the company, never to return? . . . He will make perfect cannon fodder for our favorites!"
"Totally righteous! And to replace Cholo we need someone who is on Cholo's level, otherwise, we will not hear the end of it."
"Indeed. With all the accurate data I collected, Cholo is by far the most threatening man in all of wrestling. We need someone better than Thaddeus Duke, Alias and both of us combined hundreds of times over to even fill the hole left by Cholo."
"You rang!?"
Accompanied by an army of hot dudes and voluptuous babes wearing nothing but army helmets, I, DICK FUCKIN' POWERS enter on a god damn bejeweled unicorn which gores Vinnie killing him and his micropenis easily! No blood nor gore touches my presence; simply refusing to ruin my kingly attire! I stare down at Theo, who for the first time in his gay existence, feels true fear. I begin to speak in a booming voice that never EVER cracks at odd times and say...
"I WILL FILL YOUR HOLE!"
My voice shakes Theo's core, like the blast of a jet he begins to tremble and tear apart under my immense presence. With a wavering robotic voice he replies just before he fades from existence.
I pose triumphantly, knowing that I am really cool.
So cool in fact that the scene fades to present time and I'm in the exact same poise! BOOM BITCH! I'm a goddamn visionary and shit!
Standing like a fuck having fuck king atop the roof of my mansion, my helicopter being fueled behind me. Yeah, America, sorry you're struggling with gas prices because I'm not! I filled my swimming pool with gasoline just to flex! Has it created an unimaginable amount of stress and fire in my life? Yes. But it's all worth it just to smell what poor people don't have when I wake up in the morning. Doja Cat (Who I totally fucked (mental high five) woah, that was like layers!) plays faintly behind me from the heli's onboard speakers, a bunch of strippers pouring champagne along with singer-songwriter Ginuwine (who I probably will fuck if he's cool). I remove my sunglasses revealing, not one, but TWO monocles! I like to flex, what can I say? Flex so hard Phil Swift wants to do a commercial around me, baby. Raising my eyebrows, both monocles drop to the floor and smash into pieces! Do I care? Yes! They cost 200k each but I try my hardest not to let it affect me.
"Hey babies." I say through awesome manly tears. "H-how's it hanging!"
I sob uncontrollably at the amount of money I just fucking lost but slap my cheeks to pull myself together, I then slap my face to stop crying. After 17 minutes, I restart my opening speech.
"Sup you Dick hungry sluts, you missed daddy? Sorry, I was gone so long, I went to the store to grab some sex milk and lost track of time. Turns out Tricky Dicky got a re-erection and is gonna be around four more squares. Here to replace a coward who couldn't take the heat and now I gotta bitch slap Try-Hard Juniors. But I've been looking at the card and I wanna save them for last, first off I really wanna talk through the other worst teams in existence."
"Let's start with The Notorious Alliance because I have the least to say about them."
I shiver.
"God damn even saying that name wants my testicles want to atrophy. I've seen Hi-C with less juice than this team! Good thing Ned is here to bring the testosterone down with his depressing bullshit, fuck, I'd be sad too with all the sexual regression. Making a team brimming with buff hot guys and not being able to oil them up and jump onto his cat piss coated mattress and just get fuck nasty. You need to release your urges, Ned, nothing wrong with dudes kissing bros! Maybe if you got laid you wouldn't be acting like such a cuck all the time. Let Ring Master, Master your Ring. Shit can't be as painful as another Master's promos. Then again, Ring Master sure is trying for Mastermind's title of the most boring prick in the XWF, lucky thing you've got such colorful characters as Mac "alcohol is my personality" Bane, and Jason "I don't even own a personality so I make up for it by going to the gym and getting dog-shit tattoos plastered on me like the most generic white guy who ever existed, by the way, I spent a lot of money on hiring a ghostwriter to repeat the same promo over and over again for me so could you spare me some" Cashe. Yeah, top-quality team you jizzed out, Kaye, five fuckin' stars. Maybe if you got Kido in there like your original plan you'd be bumped up to softcore to hardcore."
"Sadly, raising star Kido drew the short straw and ended up on the worst team."
"Meat Clowns."
I stare at the camera so long you get lost in the oceanic blue sea of my eyes, daydreaming about the day you live your deepest fantasy and our lips touch. My voice snaps you back to reality.
"How long did it take you to think up that one Myst? You woke up like you do every morning and started pulling used condoms out of your clown pocket and inspiration just struck? Lucky Jenny got someone to carry the team while her, the other ego-driven sociopath and Sarah Lacklan's friend talk about themselves and how cool they fucking are. Legit Jen, it's a great deal you got Kido, I have nothing bad to say about that guy. Dude is a superstar! Sure the whole anime-centric persona is kinda stereotypical and could do major damage to his heritage but hey if he wants to abuse his culture for personal gain then you do you, my man. At least what he's doing is interesting."
"Hey, Jenny!"
"Do you know that word?"
"In-ter-rest-ing?"
"No, no, you're getting confused again it isn't more shots of you being edgy! No! Jenny being interesting is trying to tell a story, being a unique wrestler, shit even just trying a modicum harder than you've been trying for the last three years! Shit, you're getting confused again, aren't you? FUCK ... NO DON'T BRING BACK YOUR SEGMENTS ON SAVAGE! Shit! She's gone."
"Like, can't you just buy a mirror so you can watch as you sniff your own farts instead of ruining everyone else's time by doing this bullshit on repeat? Elijah Martin at least has the decency to hurt himself while he's sucking his own dick for being a "big, tough, hey I'm walking here" cunt. And I didn't even know Angie Vaughn could talk! She is about as scared as commitment as me."
"Speaking of commitment."
"Committing yourself to a team is an easy thing to do if you're not a punk ass bitch, and yet sadly there's an abundance of punk ass bitches here in the XWF, two on my team but sadly what can you do. Sudden Death are now much better off and have an even bigger chance at winning! But sometimes a teammate leaving isn't entirely black and white, sometimes it's grey and sometimes a team forces off a weak link to replace them with a buddy who owes them a favor and then the team bully and blackmail the weak link into making an excuse about contracting the dreaded coronavirus."
"Not pointing fingers! But this smells fishier than Dolly's water. But hey, I get it guys! If I had Mastermind on my team I would cheat too! How the fuck else could you win! I mean you have Dolly Waters, tried and tested, solid hand, an above-average wrestler with Peter Vaughn! A goddamn star despite looking like the poster child of hemorrhoids. You two on your own would be a threat! Well, you would if any team you were in ever involved in lasted longer than a week and did better than "kinda okay I guess." BUT! BUTT! But... You get Thad Fluke involved and boy, oh, boy you've finally made a competent team! A team that doesn't know the meaning of quitting! Literally. A team that could win War Games and be hailed as the cunts that fucked over some poor newbie just so they could win a pay-per-view built on teamwork and co-operation! A pay-per-view with nothing on the line! A pay-per-view with no prize! Great job, you group of fuck boys! Maybe you and Jenny should switch team names, suits you all better. Luckily though, there's one man to save you from the ridicule you would get if you were to win all of War Games."
I grace you all with my angelic voice with my rendition of, as Mastermind called it, Monster by Emnimem and RiahannAa.
♪ I'm friends with the jobber who lives under my bed! No career in wrestling he better learn to give head! ♪
"Mastermind ladies, gentlemen, and all in between and beyond! Here to ruin everyone's chances of having a good time and even funnier here to make sure his own team doesn't win just by being himself! Honestly, it's like beating a dead horse saying Mastermind sucks but hey it's true and it's pretty neat to see him reach new heights of tardery with every progressing promo. So, well done War massters. You played yourself."
"Speaking of playing with yourself, man I am on fire today."
"Stupid name that's too long team... I mean, what a mess? I won't spend long on these because the only thing that needs to be said is this. They're centering their whole style around one chick who shows up less than me and thinks her video game bullshit is gonna give them any shot of winning. Maybe do what every opponent and teammate did with her and dive head first into the generic, uninspired video game horseshit she revolves around. GEE! How unique and creative, I bet no one has ever thought to create a fish out of water story with some kind of game universe."
Unreleated images flash on the screen.
"And lastly, the crowning jewel of "it's not a phase, Mom"."
"Honestly."
"I think just looking at us shows how this is gonna go. Like, even the original team! Marf was worth all 4 of you and he was Oswald's second pick! Latina, can I call you Latina? Latina, you went with 3 third-round picks. How the fuck do you even manage that? Mercy is a spooky bitch who I am terrified yet so around by. Like that mouth! You could fit a goddamn 4th of July sausage party bonanza in that thing! And although being the most forbidden of fruit, she's just a spooky bitch who comes out to play the monster of the week every now and again. No major titles, no major victories, no nothing. And this was your first pick? The fuck, girl? What is your reasoning here I'm genuinely curious? Like a nothing person, and you pick them. Why? Because it matches your edgelord aesthetic? Oh gee whiz, I wear skull makeup sometimes maybe I'll become BFFs with this bitch who eat out a lawnmower. And then, because you couldn't resist, you pick the edgiest of boys! Unknown Soldier, a dude who WAS great before he bailed... But then he came back and he WAS great again! ... Before he bailed BUT then he teamed with Doctor Louis D'Ville and it WAS so great! ... Before he left Doc hanging with no excuses... But then he cashed-in on Robert Main and it WAS this huge deal and everyone was like fuck yeah! ... But then he did nothing and lost like a pathetic little bitch in what should have been the match of the year before he fucked it up by doing drugs and being a cunt and then he left again... BUT THEN HE CAME BACK! And he's done nothing on Anarchy for however long..."
"Yeah, looks like you're gonna be in the same coward teammate box as Sudden Death was. Hey, don't threat Latina, maybe you'll get sympathy from the bosses and they'll throw you Alias since that's how they operate their company and retirements don't matter."
"And then there's Tommy Wish which lol who cares."
"Yeah girl you're more fucked than these strippers and Ginuwine are gonna be."
"Hey!"
I turn behind me to see the pilot take the pump from the chopper and Ginuwine shouts me over, looking stern.
"Come and jump on it, if you're horny let's do it, Ride it, the helicopter!"
I turn back to the camera with a mischievous smirk and shrug.
"Well, looks like thats all the time I have my saucy little sex dolls. We'll talk again soon and don't worry, there's no need to thank me, in fact-"
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