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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » "CCPE Cannabis Cup 2022" RP Board
The Man, The Mask, & The Mirage
Author Message
Charlie Nickles Offline
The Nickleman



XWF FanBase:
Drug addicts, rebels, weirdos

(the villain you love to hate; has cult following; may deal drugs on side)


#1
07-08-2022, 03:33 PM


Ah, can you hit me one time?

Want smoke, then you got the wrong guy

Behind the scenes I know you grumpy, don't lie

Uh, uh, ah motherfucker, alright



We open with a shot of Charlie Nickles dancing alongside a bottle of Jack Daniels inside a messy attic. He dances in the small space between half-packed boxes full of clutter and loose ends. Some white-boy rap plays off a Beats by Dre bluetooth speaker set up on the sill of an open window, the very same open window that the XWF drone is taping Charlie Nickles through. The camera zooms in on the Beats by Dre speaker for a few seconds before it zooms back out to the full scene, in yet another disgusting display of BOB’s rampant profiteering.


Ah, can you hit me two times?

Want smoke, then you got the wrong guy

Behind the scenes I know you grumpy, don't lie

Uh, uh, ah motherfucker alright



Charlie finishes the Jack Daniels before throwing it against the wall, shattering the now empty whiskey bottle. The Nickleman wipes some spilled liquor from his chin before growling to himself in the room full of his clutter and loose ends.


Come try to hit me another time, you fucking pussy...

The Nickleman runs his sweaty palms through his greasy hair before he starts rifling through one of the half-packed boxes. Charlie Nickles starts pulling mid-sized dumbbells and unwashed sweat towels out of the box before throwing them over his shoulder, littering the floor with them. Always intent on being as counter-productive as possible, The Nickleman nearly empties out the entire box before he finds what he was drunkenly looking for.

Beefin' with me is a mistake! If Alias hasn’t learned that by now, I promise he will soon.

The drunkard stands up tall as he holds a two-decades old luchadora mask in his hands. The fabric looks worn out and stretched to heck, and it doesn't even look any better after Charlie blows a thick layer of dust off its surface.

Maria always said I could never let an insult go, and Jim Caedus had to learn that the hard way! Maria said I couldn’t let anything go…until she asked me to stay! Then I went off, gone with the wind, to carve my legacy and etch my name into the Hall of Legends. I have sacrificed it all along my quest for greatness. My family, my love, my everything: I have laid it all on the line, time and time again, to become the mega-star that I am today. In due time they will speak and mention me among the greats. My day in the sun is finally on the horizon. That new sun is due to rise at the Cannabis Cup; I just wish Maria could be here with me to bask in the glory. She was always my biggest fan...

Charlie shook his head softly as he stared into the empty eyeholes of the old wrestling mask. The Nickleman ran his fingers over the fabric of the mask as he recalled his fond memories of the woman who used to wear it all those years ago.

If Maria were here today to see the state of professional wrestling, I know she would just lose her shit! We have a universal champion who can only handle a part-timer’s workload, we have a 24/7 briefcase holder who’d rather declare bankruptcy than cash-in, and we have a Jenny Myst knock-off booked in the main event for inexplicable reasons! I swear, everything in the galaxy has been topsy-turvy ever since ‘the man’ came back ‘around’-ish, you know, stepping into the ring once or twice every couple of months.

That’s all he needs to do though, right? To lay down the laws of the universe, and turn everything all topsy-turvy? It’s what Alias wants, and by God, so far everything that golden pony has wanted he has gotten. Of course it’s not what anyone else wants, but Alias thinks he has everything that he wants…in fact, he’s downright convinced that everything is going according to his master plan.

But is it really, Maria?


Charlie cocked his head to the side as he held the old mask in front of his face. He smiled softly as he imagined Maria’s extensive thoughts on the matter.

No, Maria- I don’t think he saw all that coming. You make a good point. Why would Alias want to spend his final reign Lording over a ghost town? That’s downright counter-intuitive. Alias is desperate to be the Master of the Universe, and what’s that mean? That means he’s supposed to Lord over all existing matter and space, everything from here to the cosmos!

So where is all that everything of his? Isn’t the universe supposed to be constantly expanding? So why is Alias’s very own domain shrinking by the week? He doesn’t seem like a Master of the Universe at all, I mean, how could he be? All he’s done since March Madness is suck the whole XWF into his unwiped black hole!

The XWF is losing our prestige by the day, it’s sad but true, and the blame all lies at the feet of one mortal man. Alias is devaluing our top prize every single day that it sits at home on his shelf, unused and unpolished. That championship is supposed to be the essence of the XWF universe, that championship is the heart and soul of this federation. Our federation sells itself as the most X-treme professional wrestling on air, we put the asses in the seats because we keep people’s hearts racing every other Wednesday and Saturday night. But how can we do that when the very heart of the XWF is missing, almost every other Wednesday and Saturday night?

We have wrestlers leaving the locker room left and right: not onto gurneys, but on to supposedly greener pastures! I can’t be the only one who’s noticed that the roster is looking a little thin these days, famished even…and Alias hasn’t ate shit but my hairy ass for the last two months! The boys and girls in the back are just getting fed up with playing second-fiddle to the Phantom in our Opera. In this business everyone wants to be the top dog, in this industry everyone has their sights set on the top: so where are the boys in the back supposed to look when Alias is taking all these 2 month vacations? I might be dumb, and Alias may have rung my bell, but everyone knows that Charlie Nickles still sets the bar around here!

It’s almost like…..I DO ALIAS’S FUCKING JOB FOR HIM.

But without that belt around my waist it is damn hard to keep this federation alive. The kids’ supposed daddy dun’ ran off, so now Mama Lane needs Step-Daddy Nickles to do all the whoopin’ and spankin’ around here! But you know how Kiddos are, you know what children say:


Charlie smirks before he manipulates the mouth-flap of the old mask, to make it look as if the maks itself were talking.

‘Yer not my real dad!’

Charlie chuckles to himself as he brushes some more dust off the top of the sentimental mask.


The kids are old-fashioned these days, you know how time is a circle. Now’ days they need the guy that wears the pants to also wear the belt before they will start actin’ right. If I had that belt on me you can bet your ass we’d see more wrestlers joining the fray every Warfare and Savage. If those bitches didn’t wake up for school, I’d take my belt to their room and just start whoopin’ and spankin’ the ever-living fuck out of them! That’s sure to drive attendance, hell, it’s how my dad always got me to go to school! It’s a foolproof plan.

Right now, we’re losing talent by the week because the ‘talent’ at the top of the card…simply isn’t on the top of most cards! So where the fuck is the rest of the talent sposed’ to go? They just go away!

Right now, we’re losing airtime by the minute, we’re having three match Warfares: the universal champion is supposed to fill the rest of the airtime with long-winded diatribes and subtle product placement! But Alias isn’t doing his one job, so every show has been ending early! How long can this go on until we get booted off primetime altogether? I can only wrestle so many matches and cut so many promos, it’s getting harder and harder to shoulder our Phantom champion’s burden!

When I pointed out that we can’t even put our universal champion on a fucking T-shirt to drive sales, I was just scratching the surface. Yeah, Alias doesn’t care about the money because he doesn’t have bills to pay: sure, I’ll bite. But I care about the money, Alias, and I think everyone else on the payroll does. Not just our own money, mind you: the rest of us care about ALL the money coming into the fed!

I know most of it just lines Vinnie’s pockets, but god damn it Alias, did you forget that we have to sell out arenas and crush the Nielsen ratings in order to keep the lights on? I know you only like to confront me from the safety of the shadows, and I know it’d be easier for you to play hide-and-seek with me if it was always dark, but show us some real long-term planning for once! How are you going to be the High Lord of the XWF in 2040 if Vinnie Lane has to shutter the doors during your reign??!?!

I’m doing my part to make Alias’s dream come true. I’m the mega-star shouldering Alias’s burden, I’m the workhorse picking up his slack. I’m the main event draw that keeps people tuned in, that keeps them coming back for more, that keeps putting an ass in every seat and a dollar in every pocket! Fucking Christ, I even hooked Ring Master and Reggie Estrada up with a main event moneybag!

It’s almost like…..I DO ALIAS’S FUCKING JOB FOR HIM.

I sold out the Staples Center with a standard rules match against Tommy Wish. You know, the place that’s going to host the 2028 Summer Olympics. My main event drew 21,000 fans in attendance. Do you think they bought tickets to Warfare to see Tommy Wish?

No one came to the Staples Center expecting to see Alias, because no one ever expects to see Alias on cable! Hell, you can’t even find Alias IN THIS YEAR most of the time! Talk about an absent fucking champion! I’ve headlined the XWF’s Canadian tour for Alias’s entire reign- and I only stopped doing that so I could headline at the Staples Center and the Nationwide Arena!

Those are big fucking tour dates, Alias, and the bookers were desperate to put asses in seats! You were nowhere to be found, hell of a draw that you are, so XWF management came to ME to find their headlining act.

It’s almost like…..I DO ALIAS’S FUCKING JOB FOR HIM.

Alias thinks he’s really doing something because he headlined Star Warfare with a match on Mustafar in a studio set far, far away.

A main event match that sold exactly ZERO tickets. I guess ‘when the man comes around’ he can’t manage to sell a T-shirt OR a fucking seat! The supposedly ‘epic’ showdown between Alias and Duke, that couldn’t draw a single fan. No wonder Thaddeus decided to leave the XWF, Alias has turned our whole crowd to crickets, and insects don’t buy tickets! The only crowd that was buzzing over that ‘insane’ main event on Mustafar were the goons BOB hired to wait in that volcano until it was time for the REAL main event to start! Because even when Charlie’s not booked to end the show….HE’S STILL BOOKING THE END OF THE SHOW!

I started playing my hand at being a GM on March Madness, and this supposed ‘master of the universe’ hasn’t been able to stop me since! Even at the end of Leap of Faith, even in defeat, I was able to make sure everything was about Goldi, and not that cheap piece of plastic Alias doesn’t wear. Jenny Myst holds all the cards, don’t you remember? All because she held my Goldi for two weeks. Did Pip even mention your big win at the end of Leap of Faith, Alias? Or was the end of the show all about MY belt and MY successor?

I know that ate the world-eater up inside, but he can’t blame Pip for what he said. Pip is only responding to what the clamoring masses want! Alias is never around, he’s never on cable, his merch isn’t for sale, and he probably won’t even be in the next XWF 2k game! The final chapter of the Charlie-Goldi story was the only headline anyone had time for! The #1 reason people bought the pay per view was to see my story’s thrilling next chapter for themselves!

It’s almost like…..I DO ALIAS’S FUCKING JOB FOR HIM.

Alias can’t sell a t-shirt in the XWF store, he can’t sell tickets for Warfare, he can’t even sell Raion and Dolly’s superkicks! For as much as he likes to EAT, you’d think he would take a knuckle sandwich a little better! But hey, it’s no sweat off anyone’s back, because The Carnie Bastards gave Alias a mouthful of humble pie right before the show went off the air!

Let’s all be honest: I’m pretty much running the shows nowadays, right? I put in overtime making sure someone’s always on-call to whoop Alias’s ass whenever he shows it. I even handle the HR side of things, I mean, who else was stepping up to give Jim and Lycana the leave they so desperately needed? Hell, I’m filling in for the XWF staff up and down the payroll! I even went to Anarchy to do their spring cleaning, because it didn’t look like anyone over there was going to wipe the floor with Jason Cashe’s face!

I’m not sure what more I need to do to get a corporate office in the back and a nice little placard with my name on it. I want to keep it professional, so I was thinking you lot could start calling me Mr. Big DICK! Sorry Alias, but mine’s just bigger! And everyone knows that’s true, because I only need to brag about it once. After I whip it out and put it on your face at the Cannabis Cup there won’t be any need to brag, because the permanent indent on your face will speak for itself! That’s the #1 reason people are buying the CCPE mega-show: cause they want to see a mega-star spray a mega-load out of his mega-dick all over the golden princess!

It’s almost like…..I DO ALIAS’S FUCKING JOB FOR HIM.

God damn it, I’m even doing Jefferson Jackson’s job nowadays. Shit, that’s downright undeniable at this point! Have you seen how much my merchandise is selling for? ✘250,000 for a handful of my dirty nickels. They’re not even autographed! Yet still, my grimey couch nickels are the second most expensive piece of merchandise we have. Because I’m that much of a fucking draw, my couch nickels are keeping this company in the green!

I know, I know…Alias won’t give me credit for any of the good work I do. He says it’s all Marf, he says it’s all Jimson, he says I get no credit at all for BOB’s relentless assault on his reign, for laying a new foundation in this company. Funny, I bet Alias wouldn’t even give the honorable Richard Nixon any credit for the moon landing either…he probably thinks Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin got there all by themselves! What a cutesy way of looking at things. What a convenient way to look at things, for the liberals and for Alias alike.

The truth is, whenever Alias DOES show up to Warfare or Savage….I make him put the ‘L’ in cable! It doesn’t matter that Marf and Jimson play the tune I write, that should be expected, because I’m the director of this orchestra! It doesn’t matter that Alias plays his songs from the first chair, because I’m the director, and I’m closing the curtains on this bitch!

It’s almost like…..well, we’re probably all tired of that dead horse by now, but you get the gist of it, Maria!


By now Charlie has worked himself into quite the sweat. He uses the old mask to wipe away a sheet of perspiration from his forehead before he tries to rub the mask dry on his dirty pant leg.

Alias and his dead fucking horses. He just can’t get enough of them. He’ll say he beats me like a dead horse, and I get it, the fact that he pinned me is a really, really big deal for him. It’s quite literally the only impactful thing he’s done since beating MY transitional champion….back in March. Alias hasn’t even sold out a backyard BBQ without my help since then!

But doesn’t Alias know that if he keeps beating his favorite dead horse for much longer, it won’t stay dead at all? That cocksucker will come back like a zombie and bite him in the ass!

I mean, how many people have lost to Alias and immediately gotten up for round two? How many people have lost to Alias, TWICE, and then gotten right back up to demand another crack at his skull? Even the Doctor wasn’t built like that- built to withstand that kind of torment. It used to be one fell hit from Alias and the titans would crumble, maye two hits for the Gods. But now, now what does one fell hit from Alias getcha’? Just another bite at the apple?

If you listen to the things Alias says about me, you probably think I’m a skidmark on the earth. You probably think that I’m nothing but the pigshit pretty daises bloom from. But hey, if Alias can’t even take ME down, if he can’t even take out the garbage with one try, well then what’s that say about his abilities? He used to take down the greats, he used to turn Doctors into E.R. patients- but now? Now he’s struggling to keep guys like Charlie Nickles and Big Preesh off his back. Oh how the mighty have fallen!


Charlie chuckles to himself before he looks into the empty eyeholes of the old mask. Charlie starts to rub his bearded chin thoughtfully.

Yeah, I think she’ll like this a whole lot. I guess she’s our girl now, isn’t she, Maria?

The Nicklman cracks a Family Man’s smile as he tucks the luchadora mask into the loose waistband of his jeans. Then, he puts his hands on his waists as he starts looking around the rest of the boxes in the attic.

I wonder if I have anything else good up here…

Charlie bends over in front of the camera as he starts rummaging through another cardboard box. The camera fades to black as both the mask and Charlie’s asscrack hang out of his loose waistband.



[Image: BOBBREAK2.jpg]





[Image: BVX37xa.jpg]


The groggy man comes to with a confused expression etched across his bruised and battered face. His vision is blurry and his mind slow. He’s stretched out across a bed while wearing nothing but an ill-fitting hospital gown. The heavyset man’s hairy thighs are much too visible. The tubes that are connected to the veins in his arm drag along the ground as they connect the man to the beeping machines in the corner. His body wears the savage marks of warfare. His injured arm is cooped up in a sling. A blood-stained cloth bandage is wrapped around his forehead. His eyes are red and swollen. Charlie looks around the room and is struck by a sudden sense of deja vu.

Where am I?

He’s been here before….

The last thing I remember I was fighting a North Korean War Criminal…I followed him down the hole…but where did it take me?

Charlie shook his head from side to side as he tried to clear the grog from his vision. Charlie looked around the room again, his gaze settling upon a shimmering mirage in the corner of the room. The Nickleman cocked his head to the side as he tried to make out details of the image. He could swear that he saw a woman’s face looking at him through the shimmer…

You’re not the woman I saw on the road….

Charlie cocked his head to the other side as he lay on top of a hospital bed he has no memory of getting in. The Nickleman keeps his gaze fixed on the subtle shimmer of femininity in the corner as various medical machines beep in the background. As Charlie leans forward he can make out just a bit more of the woman’s shimmering features. She appears to stand at about 5’7”: Charlie knows that exact height well, because he’s been sizing up Peter Vaughn for ages now.

As Charlie cocks his head back to the other side he can see that half of the woman’s face appears deformed, or perhaps decayed, as loose flesh hangs over an exposed jawbone. While one of her eyes appears picture-perfect, the eye on her wild side appears to have fallen out a long time ago: now there is just a colorful painting of an eye inside the empty socket. The shimmering woman in the mirage reaches out for her padre from the corner, but The Nickleman shirks away, just like he has for 20 years.

You’re hideous!

An ethereal wailing is heard throughout the room as the shimmer violently pushes past the door and spills out of the room. Charlie covers his face with his hands as a bright light flashes in the doorway before it shoots down the hallway. Charlie can hear the sound of the doors in the hallway being slammed open one-by-one, until the light disappears entirely. Silence overtakes the hospital for a few moments as Charlie looks around in utter confusion.

Until he is spurred into action by the piercing scream of a little girl- suddenly, Charlie remembered why he came here in the first place.

Emily?! Is that you?! DADDY’S COMING FOR YOU EMS’!

Charlie bursts off the bed and lands on both his feet, hightailing it into the hallway with no hesitation whatsoever. The Nickleman rounds the corner past the door before looking down the long and narrow hall of the hospital. One single light flickers on and off about fifteen feet from the end of the hall. Every few seconds the entire hall is plunged back into darkness, except for the small area being illuminated by the open door to Charlie’s room.

Where are you?!

As the sole light in the hallway continually flickers on and off Charlie starts to make his way down the narrow hall. His eyes scan from one end of the hall to the other with every brief flicker from the dying bulb. Charlie pauses in the middle of the hall as he feels something wet dripping down onto his head and shoulders. He looks agitated by the constant drip raining down from the ceiling.

Old ass hospitals, shitty ass plumbing, fucking aye…

Charlie approaches a door and goes to open it, only to pull back once he hears laughter coming from down the hall.


The mocking laughter of children.


Charlie cocks a curious eyebrow as he steps forward into the blinking darkness. He passes by a few doors before the laughter suddenly ends.

Emily? Was that you?

Charlie takes another step forward before suddenly pausing. Just behind a nearby door, Charlie can hear faint whispers.


The faint whispers of searing flesh.

Charlie, now more than halfway down the hall, looks over at the blinking bulb before turning back to the door and cautiously pushing it open as the hall light flickers on.

Emily?

Charlie steps into the suddenly silent room and is greeted to a startling sight. The Nickleman covers his mouth to stop from retching as the smell of death hits his nose. He looks at the grisly scene before him with a disgusting mixture of interest and admiration. In the intermittent darkness Charlie can see that a man’s limbs have been torn from his body and hung up on meat hooks above his clothed torso. Charlie takes a couple steps into the room before flicking a lightswitch on the wall. All four walls have been splattered with indecipherable messages written in blood. The elaborate designs on the walls give the impression of deep meaning, but The Nickleman’s eyes can spot no rhyme or reason.

As Charlie approaches the corpse he can tell that the torso is covered in a blue jumpsuit of sorts, like something a janitor would wear. As Charlie looks up at the dangling limbs he sees rows of black marks running across burned flesh, as if the limbs had been recently grilled Charlie gets down on one knee between the hanging appendages and the still body of the slain man. He slides two fingers through the pool of blood collecting on the ground before bringing them up to his mouth. He pops his fingers into his mouth before swirling them around his tongue, his gums, and his cheeks. When he pops his fingers back out they are completely clean, albeit quite wet.

This man was killed months ago…he didn’t put up a fight at all. But why is his body still here…and why does it look like this?

As Charlie stayed one one knee he shifted his glance all around the room for any hint of a clue. His gaze froze on the decapitated head staring back at him from the corner of the room.

You seen anything suspicious around here?

Charlie can’t help but crack a grin at the sick situation. He looks down at the disfigured torso and notices an ID card on the chest covered in blood.

So just who were ya’, ya’ sorry son of a bitch?

The Nickleman wipes the blood off the ID card with the same wet fingers from earlier. His glossy eyes nearly pop out of their sockets when he reads the professional identification of the sorry s-o-b…

THE JANITOR?!?! JEFFY, IS THAT YOU?!?!

Charlie sticks his fingers in his mouth and sucks the blood off of them, like he was sucking the flavor out of a freezepop.

It does taste like Jeffy! Oh Jeffy, what did you get yourself into?

Charlie looks back at the decapitated head in the corner and finally recognizes the color of the eyes staring back at him from the corner. On second glance it looked just like a blood-covered Jeffy, the hospital janitor Charlie met shortly before his Relentless match against Sarah Lacklan. Charlie twisted his head around his neck as he looked at the bloody walls once more, trying to find a rhyme or a reason for this custodial carnage: but he couldn’t decipher any meaning at all within the blood sprawled messages. Perhaps the grandiose splattering was nothing but a blood red herring, nothing but an elaborate facade covering up the lack of meaning in it all. This should have been Charlie’s first clue, but he just couldn’t put together all the pieces yet.

I have no idea who could have done this!

Charlie lifted his bloodstained hands up as he slowly backed away from the janitor’s desecrated corpse. Charlie shook his head from side to side as he backed towards the door.

I can’t let this happen to my daughter….I’m sorry Jeffy…I have to go!

Charlie ran out the door and into the dimly lit hall. Charlie shook his head some more as the only light in the hall continued to flicker on and off. Wet droplets of something continued to fall on The Nickleman from the ceiling above. Then, one of the doors at the end of the hall violently shook back and forth. The Nickleman heard a furious rattling coming from behind the door as he cautiously approached it.


The furious rattling of iron chains.

Emily? Is that you?

The door continued to shake and the chains continued to rattle as Charlie slowly put his hand onto the last door of the hall. Charlie waited for the hall light to flicker back on, then he slowly pushed the rampaging door open.

Emily? Are you in here?

Charlie stares into the dark room from the semi-lit hallway. He squints at the darkness as he holds the door slightly ajar. He almost shits himself when he hears a familiar voice calling back to him with all the sweetness in the world.

You’re not afraid of the dark, are you?

Who’s there?!

Walk up and see…

As the only light behind The Nickleman continues flickering on and off, Charlie tries to catch a glimpse of whatever is in the room.

Why don’t you come out here?

I would love to, but…

Chains begin to rattle.

If you help me, I can leave…just loosen my chains.

Did you…did you kill the janitor?

Oh heavens no…I haven’t even fought anyone since I fought you…since I killed The Family Man all those years ago. I’ve been trapped here ever since.

Charlie scratched his head as he listened to the sweet sounding voice of the creature inside the room. The voice sounded familiar and her words brought fragmented memories to the forefront of Charlie’s mind, but he still couldn’t place the pieces of this puzzle together.

So if you’ve been here so long…you must know who killed the janitor.

It was HIM.

Him?

The phantom….some say that he looks like me, that he acts like me, but Nickles I promise you: it wasn’t I who killed the janitor. It will always have been him.

The Nickleman steps back into the hallway, clearly unconvinced by the cryptic responses of the beast shackled inside. It seems Charlie would rather deal with the leaky ceiling than the shackled creature in the darkness.

Right…

No, please! Believe me! Let me out of here!

As Charlie steps back into the hall he lets the door slam shut, and the chains immediately go back to rattling. A few seconds later, the door goes back to shaking.

FREE ME!

Maybe later.

Charlie walks to the end of the hall where the bulb has been flickering on and off this whole time. With the sound of chains rattling and doors shaking behind him, The Nickleman approaches the lightbulb before reaching up for it. His face cringes for a moment as he burns his fingertips on the hot glass, but then Charlie begins rotating the lightbulb, screwing it all the way in. Charlie pulls his hand back as the light finally stays on for good.

Well that was easy, now let’s see how this place looks with some good lighting! Maybe I’ll even find a trace of Emily here!

As Charlie turns around he is once again horrified by what he sees inside this hellacious hospital. Blood and guts are smeared all over every wall. Severed limbs and bits of intestine are literally tucked into the baseboards at the bottom of the walls. Mounted on the side of the wall like prized bucks, we see the decapitated heads of Jim Caedus, Chris Page, and Shawn Warstein. Cockroaches, ants, and beetles can be seen scurrying across the hallway, going from one bit of gruesome gruel to the next.

As something continues to drip down onto Charlie Nickles, he finally looks up at the ceiling…where he sees nothing but blood. A droplet of blood rains down into Charlie’s eye before he finally realizes that his head and shoulders are covered in the scarlet ichor.

Oh shit!

HE’S COMING! PLEASE, FREE ME!

Charlie’s eyes dart around the hallway as he hears the desperate plea for help. At the other end of the hall Charlie can see a pair of metal doors, and he decides to start running for them! He quickly rushes past the creature’s room and the shaking door as he makes a beeline for the end of the hall.

I’m getting out of here!

As Charlie gets about halfway down the hall, the metal doors suddenly swing wide open. A shimmering mirage of a woman bursts down the hall and right past The Nickleman, giving him an incredible fright. As the shimmering woman shot past him, Charlie could swear that her lips appeared to be caught in the middle of a scream. Charlie came to a sudden halt as he whipped his head back around to watch the shimmering image burst right into the room with the shaking door and the rattling chains! The metal doors at the end of the hall slammed shut after the sudden outburst.

Wait, don’t go in there!

PLEASE HELP ME ROBYN!

Charlie heard the furious rattling of shackles alongside the shrieks of two crying women. He didn’t quite know what to make of the situation, he just knew he wanted to get the fuck of dodge! The Nickleman starts sprinting again, but he only takes a few steps before the metal doors burst wide open once more! Charlie stops mid-stride before looking straight ahead through the doors: but he doesn’t see anything at all. Charlie cocks an eyebrow as he stands still in the middle of the hall.

HE’S HERE!

Who…

Charlie watches as an unseen hand picks a rotting forearm out from beneath the baseboards. The forearm rises nearly six feet into the air as it slowly moves towards The Nickleman. Charlie starts backing away, until he sees a piece of flesh tear of the forearm and fall to the ground, as if it were being eaten and spat out. That’s when Charlie Nickles starts running the other way as fast as he can!

Like a bullet out of a gun Charlie sprints back towards the end of the hall. He turns and ducks into the recently opened door, following the path of the shimmering woman. As Charlie turns into the room he pauses to catch his breath, then he looks up and sees a blonde-haired girl rubbing her wrists with her hands as she stands above a pair of iron chains. The small child, no more than 9 or 10 years old, looks up at Charlie with wide eyes and a clear sense of panic.

We have to get out of here!

Wait..who are you? Where’s the monster? Where’s that shiny lady? AND WHAT’S OUT THERE IN THE HALLWAY!?

There’s no time to explain, the phantom is hungry and he wants to eat!

There’s a shit ton of monster food in the hall already! I saw him spit food out!

He wants to eat but he can’t, because he’s not here, because he’s a phantom now! So he just kills and maims!

What are you talking about?!

Come on Charlie, we have to go you, you fat fucker! Quit taking a breather and let’s take a lap!

Charlie’s jaw slacks as the young girl suddenly goes foul, but that doesn’t stop the child from punching a literal black hole through the exterior wall of the room. The bricks shatter and fall into the black hole before landing somewhere unseen. The small child turns back to The Nickleman before beckoning him to follow her.

We have to go, NOW!

Wait!

NO, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! NOW MEANS NOW!

The mouthy blonde child runs through the black hole in the wall as Charlie reaches out to grab her.

Hold up! What’s happening?!

The child disappears through the black hole, leaving Charlie alone in the hospital…with a creature unseen. A sudden banging sound causes Charlie to turn around, where he sees the heads of Chris Page and the Janitor floating in the middle of the hallway.

Holy fuck!

As Charlie flings a holy curse the heads floating in the hall suddenly drop to the floor. The heads roll around for a few seconds before the lightbulb at the end of the hall suddenly shatters. That’s when Charlie decides to test his luck and jump through the only means of egress available: the mysterious black hole in the wall.


[Image: BOBBREAK2.jpg]


The camera fades in on a shot of Charlie still rummaging through a cardboard box in front of the camera. With his ass and an old mask hanging out of his pants, Charlie finally turns around to face the camera- with a big green Incredible Hulk fist in his hands!

Oh yeah, this is perfect, because Raion should know by now that I let my fists do the talking when it comes to him!

I heard through the grapevine that Raion Kido thinks I was dismissive because I didn’t feel the need to say all that much about the little shiba in the last go round’. But I mean, what more needs to be said? There’s just not much meat on his bones to pick from, that golden child was starving in the belly of the whale until he found that magic briefcase.

Charlie puts the big green fist on over his right hand and starts shadow boxing with it.

Raion Kido wants to say I’m ‘running away from him’ because I won a triple threat while he was getting buttfucked by ewok lumberjacks. This motherfucker is operating from the shittiest game plan I’ve ever seen if that’s his go-to play. This ‘running away’ chatter ain’t shit but a lateral pass, he’s not going nowhere with that, my defensive line has already seen it! I’m playing that Nickel package D, you know that formation where you take out a linebacker- because I’m not going to need to take any lines back during this little back-and-forth!

Charlie throws a mock haymaker with his right hand before pausing mid-stride. Charlie chuckles and shakes his head as he looks down to the floorboards.

Raion won’t understand that line because we don’t bring football over there when we remade the whole fucking country in our image, AFTER we bombed it- a little fact he likes to get real upset about. But you know what? He should be more upset about the bombs I’m going to be throwing at his face, when I start remaking HIM in my bloody image! Honestly the only football Raion needs to worry about is my foot, kicking him in the balls, right before I bring him back down to earth with yet another Devil Hook Drop!

Charlie throws back his head in hearty laughter as he rubs his guffawing belly with his big ol’ hulk fist. Charlie wipes away a fake tear from his left eye before he looks back to the camera.

Did Raion Kido ‘run away’ from Marf & Bourbon when he won that briefcase? Fuck no! He ran TOWARDS the objective, and that’s exactly what I did last time I fought Kido! When a running back scores a touchdown he isn’t running away from the defenders, he is running towards the dub’! So why the fuck is Raion pressing this issue? Does he really have nothing else to say? Fuck, that Kiddo brought one bullet to this gunfight and it’s a god damn blank! The only damage he’s doing is to himself!

He ain’t grown, he ain’t changed, no matter what he tells himself! I’ve had this stupid son of a bitch caught in the same vicious cycle ever since I served him his first loss.


Charlie goes back to shadowboxing, this time as if he were punching the camera.

I knocked him silly on Warfare-

Charlie throws a mock haymaker.

so he came to our match on Savage with nothing but excuses.

Charlie sets up his next combination with a few jobs and a body cross from the hulk fist.

I knocked him silly on Savage-

Charlie throws another big haymaker, this time with his bare left hand.

so he then came BACK to Warfare with even MORE excuses.

Charlie shooks his head in derision as he smoothly switched into a southpaw fighting style, with his big hulk fist now taking the lead.

I knocked him silly on Warfare, AGAIN-

A big straight hook from the hulk hand knocks the camera back a few feet and causes the screen to wobble briefly.

and now he’s coming to the Cannabis Cup telling everyone I only beat him because I ran away!

Charlie stops shadowboxing only to place his left hand on his waist and hold the hulk fist up to his face, as if he were talking to it.

Do you see what the fuck I’m talking about now?! It’s downright pathetic the lengths Raion will go through to avoid admitting that he struck out against The Nickleman, fair and square, in back-to-back at-bats.

Where’s the development? Where’s the maturity? Where are the lessons learned? What fucking GROWTH is Raion talking about?

Even the lowly Nickleman is honest enough to admit that I’ve lost two straight matches to Alias, but I guess that kind of level-headedness is something Raion just can’t bring himself/isn’t mature enough/handle his emotions long enough to mirror.

When I lost to Alias at War Games, I learned that I need to be in the match to beat Alias. Secondary lesson I learned: you really can’t count on Dolly Waters for anything these days.

But when I lost to Alias on Warfare, I learned that fire on its own would never be enough to incinerate the world-eater. No matter how many times I nicked him in the flames, that blind referee just couldn’t see it, and he just wouldn’t call it. So in order to truly burn the man I need to lay the foundations for his grave, and since his legacy is so massive, you will need to dig out a foundation that is stories high, so the referee can definitely see it when I pin Alias beneath all that dirt.

But when I lost to Alias at Leap of Faith, I learned that there are no more lessons to learn. Alias was simply the better man that night; so now, I’ve got to be the better man! It’s as simple as that.

But has Raion Kido learned a single lesson from my three victories over him? Will he even acknowledge those victories and defeats that happen when you’re outside the ring, like I just did with Alias?


Charlie shook his head in disappointment with the golden Lion of the XWF. Then, he cocked his head to the side and shrugged it off.

Raion Kido though, to his credit, didn’t waste every single second of his first and second promo. He actually managed to ask one pretty interesting question….why should Raion Kido fear Charlie ‘Kido-Killer’ Nickles? Now that’s a real thinker, so let’s think about it.

What has Charlie done to earn Kido’s fear?

Well I do have more days as a champion in the XWF than Raion Kido has IN the XWF, but everyone in this match does…so what’s next on the list?

Well I do have a history of pinning Alias for championship belts, but that was way before Kido even got here….so what’s next on the list?

Well I did just beat NKWC in a singles match on Warfare….but who HASN’T done that?! So what’s next on the list…

Well I am the only man on the XWF roster with two wins over Raion Kido, but shit, why would anyone be impressed by that? Raion Kido says it doesn’t mean anything, and he was the one that had to bite the pillow both times! He’d know better than anyone how BIG it was!

But if big wins over Raion Kido don’t matter, well then, how much can Raion Kido himself really matter? I’d say he isn’t even worth half a nickel at this point. He’s never won a real championship belt in his life, and I know that first-hand, because I’m the bastard who keeps stopping him from doing it! I ended his TV title reign before it ever began, and you can best believe I’m going to do the same god damned thing to his supposed Uni reign! The only gold this Kiddo has ever touched was painted onto his Saint Seyiama action figures, and that’s a fact! That’s the only gold this shiba inu is ever going to sniff out as long as he keeps playing around in my backyard! I might have to take this little pup ‘out to the farm’ so he can finally find some greener pastures! Maybe when I send him to those Elysium Fields he can finally be a champion, but I wouldn’t bet on it!


Charlie laughs to himself as he slaps his own knee. He turns his head back towards his green hulk fist as he starts trying to take it off.

’How does it feel knowing that Raion is here once more, fighting me for a title belt?’ It feels fucking great! Cause if Raion is booked against me, that means there’s no fucking way I can lose! That suckboy is my personal BITCH IN PERPETUITY- there’s nobody better at beating Raion Kido than Charlie Nickles! Throwing Raion into a match with The Nickleman is like throwing a mouse into the cage with a python: it should be obvious what’s going to fucking happen!

Charlie pulls the hulk fist off his right hand before playing with the fist like it was a basketball, passing it between his legs and setting up a three-point shot into one of the cardboard boxes across the room.

I have more main event victores than Raion Kido has main events…since he was posthumously announced as February’s Star of the Month! So there’s simply no comparison, it’s apples and oranges, I just wrestle at an entirely different level than Raion Kido. I’ve become part of this federation’s foundation, and the top brass thinks it’s funny to make Raion Kido leap off of skyscrapers. They made him risk his life for a briefcase he doesn’t even know how to use, and they spoon feed me title shots like I’m a prized fucking pig. I guess I must have earned top in show at Leap of Faith, cause they couldn’t wait to get me back on the big stage!

Charlie Nickles takes his shot and sends the Hulk fist flying into a box some twelve or so feet away. Before the fist even lands in the box, however, Charlie is already turning back to the camera and holding up three fingers.

You see all that? I’m the fucking greatest. There’s no ifs ands or buts about it: Raion Kido simply isn’t good enough to hold my fucking jockstrap. It will probably slip right through his wimpy little hands, because I work up a hell of a sweat when I’m whooping his ass! It doesn’t matter that I’ve never won at Leap of Faith, and it doesn’t matter that I don’t have a briefcase going into this match. I already know that Raion Kido is going to make the Ned Kaye Mistake: he’s eventually going to trade his briefcase in for a match. He simply won’t be man enough to take that briefcase and knock me in the skull with it after I win the match. Shit, we all know what happens EVERY TIME I beat Raion Kido: he sulks away for literal MONTHS, until he finally works up the courage to face me again…only to lose another match!

If Raion Kido thinks he’s earned the right to headline the Cannabis Cup, then he has absolutely no business challenging my position in this company. After all…I’m undefeated against the guy that earned the right to headline the Cannabis Cup! That should auto-fucking-qualify me to headline it alongside him, shouldn’t it?! If the guy that knows how to harness the very power of the Universe is MY BITCH IN PERPETUITY, then I must be something pretty darn special!


Charlie points at himself as he starts yelling at nobody in particular in the attic. He’s walking back and forth as he hoots and hollers, and somehow the old mask has stayed tucked inside his waistband throughout it all!

But then again, the guy that ‘knows how to harness the power of yada yada yada’ doesn’t really matter. Remember: Raion and I already agreed that my wins over him didn’t matter…which means that Raion Kido himself can’t matter, because the guy that harnesses cosmic power said that Charlie Nickles is pathetic and humiliated....and well, what’s that say about the pathetic lot that Charlie Nickles has humiliated?

Charlie screams as he holds exactly one finger up to the camera.

There’s one lesson Raion Kido really needs to learn if he ever wants to beat The Nickleman: the more he tries to bury me, the more he digs his own grave!

Charlie makes a dismissive gesture with his hand as he briefly turns away from the camera. He shakes his from side to side, sending strands of dirty hair flowing every which way. A few seconds later Charlie turns back to the camera with renewed focus on his real target.

On the other hand, everyone agrees those two wins Alias has over Charlie Nickles matter a whole helluva lot. I mean shit, just listen to Alias say it, over and over again, like it’s the only fuel he has left in his tank! I mean, haven’t you heard his new testament? In the beginning… ALIAS went and fucking beat everyone. Then he started a whole new testament and fucking lo… he started a war with Charlie fucking Nickles and his brothers that he could never fully win! They fought in savage warfare over and over and over and over and over and over again until the cup runneth over! AND THAT’S WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE RIGHT NOW!

Alias won our last two battles but I never for a second waved the white flag, this war is still raging all across the universe. I won’t deny that the stains of my blood coat Alias’s title belt…but will Alias deny the fact that it is my blood, and not his fingerprints, that define his entire championship? My blood, my failure, my humiliation….not his victory, not his greatness, not his mastery. Alias knows how to wrestle, I’ll give him that, but he doesn’t know how to reign, and that’s exactly why he’s going to lose this war once and for all at the Cannabis Cup.

Alias has been coming out to the battlefield and just fucking around for too long…it’s about time he found out. The more Alias tries to bury my name, the more dirt he throws atop his own reign!


PADRE! Are you ready to go yet? Giliberto’s Taqueria is closing soon!

Charlie sighs softly before a fatherly smile spreads over his lips.

Oh..mexican food. The things we put ourselves through for our children!

Charlie turns away from the camera and abruptly walks off screen, leaving more questions than answers in his wake as the screen fades to black.

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