< < < Back to this past Independence Day Family Ties
The Feder family [legal spelling: Federer] is what some might refer to as -- simply massive. We've already been introduced to 3 x Better Sid Feder and Mister Mystery 17 31707 1, who turned out to be Sid's very own father, but there are quite a few other interesting family members who we've never had the pleasure of meeting. . .(or have we?)
Take Sid's sister for instance -- we won't bother mentioning her name since you're not meeting her yet -- but she's got all the fiery temper of Sid in a younger, female body and she's been trained by the police! She's actually a cop in a city we won't disclose here today but you will eventually come to realize exactly why Sid's sis is so vital to his very existence-
-but what about his brother?
What about Sid's brother?
His name's Ricky and he's just a little bit tricky.
He's also got just a little bit of an ego. . .
Here's how Ricky demanded that he be presented to you all for the very first time you see him on camera-
-and, go. . .
Quite the charismatic and energetic personality, Ricky knows his way around a ring just as well as he knows his way around the football field. He might not be able to bring confiscated fireworks to the party like Sid's sister can do, but Ricky brings the ammo in the form of hot women -- namely his wife and his ex-wife. . . W-T-F?! That's right he brings them both to the party and that's just something everybody's got to deal with. Take the night of July 4th for example-
:Ricky!: Hey man go long! Go long!!
Ricky whips the football through the air and it soars all the way down the street and into the hands of Sid. Ricky is pleased with himself and let's everybody know it.
:Ricky!: Oh yeah! Good throw; I say good throw!!
:3 x Better: Not that great buddy! Watch me show you why I'm -- what? -- Three Times Better with my terminator arm, bitch!
Sid laughs and sends the football through the air using the same arm that he has that steel implant in; something many people have come up close and personal with over the years. Ricky is in position to catch the ball but has to run out of the way as a speeding Trans Am comes flying down the street. The football ends up colliding head on with the windshield of the speeding Trans Am and shatters it!
:3 x Better: Holy shit! What the fuck was in that football?
:Ricky!: God daaaamn man you really do have that terminator throw!
The Trans Am goes spinning off, out of control and right into a huge tree. The Trans Am's entire front end is smashed in by the tree which stands perfectly still, unharmed.
:3 x Better: You dumb shit; why the fuck didn't you catch that damn ball?
:Ricky!: Are you serious bro? Are you for real right now? I would have been run down like a dog if I didn't get out of the way when I did! You should have used your Three Times Bionic arm to stretch forward and intercept that shit, mayne!
The person in the driver seat of the Trans Am falls out of the vehicle and rolls a few feet away from the car because it's on a slight hill. It looks to be a young man in his 20's and he's bleeding from the mouth. The car bursts into flames and burns for a few seconds before exploding, sending doors and wheels in different directions.
:3 x Better: Hit the fuckin' deck!
Sid and Ricky drop down behind a parked car as metal flies through the air. They're both laughing?!? Both of them -- grown men -- just caused a person's car to explode and the driver looks critically injured -- and they're seriously laughing about it. Ricky's wife and ex-wife are both coming over to yell at Ricky because they automatically assume an explosion means he's somehow responsible, but Sid and Ricky won't stop laughing. They actually think this is a joke when that young man's life is at stake and nobody has even so much as called for help. This isn't right. I don't care that this is intended to be an unbiased narrative; these guys are a couple of scumbags and I won't finish telling this story. I wish the twats in XWF production would have told me this was the shit I was in for if I accepted a Sid Feder gig.
I'm out.
> > > Return to present day Don't Kill The Messenger - pt. 2
Why me? -- That's the last thing you heard me ask when you were last with me. You remember me, right? The guy with an envelope for Sid Feder, and it's news he might lose his freaking mind over when he finds it out. Not only that but he was apparently very happy to see me when he thought I was bringing him drugs for his wife, Flo, who is a known cokehead and occasionally dips into other substances.
Imagine my heart sink the moment Sid realizes I'm not the guy with the coke. Sid's face grows stone cold and his eyes just about pierce my soul.
:3 x Better: Just who exactly did you say you are? I don't think I was expecting you.
I do my best to not shit myself as I loosen my collar just a bit, telling him: "Sir, I'm here on behalf of Mr. L."
Sid immediately knows who I'm referring to but it doesn't make him any happier. He motions for me to follow him and I do; straight to an elevator and up to floor #4. We walk in silence down a hall and to a door marked '417' where Sid fiddles with the doorknob for just long enough to make it so I'd never expect that sudden backfist to the bridge of my nose. I remember the pain of that shot but nothing else.
The next thing I knew I was waking up with one hell of a headache, a bloody nose, and strapped down to a bed. Thank god I have all my clothes on and I don't feel like I've been violated. That's one good thing about being taken hostage by a guy like Sid -- he probably won't rape you like Dean Moxley McGovern would do.
:3 x Better: So you're here to deliver some kind of message to me I take it.
Sid must not have found the note in my pocket or perhaps didn't even look for anything while I was unconscious.
:3 x Better: Well whatever you're here to tell me must not be too important or they would have sent somebody that they expected back; that way they would know exactly what my response was. Whatever Mr. L wants from me isn't something I can do right now because I'm busy handling some other shit.. alright?
I remain strapped down, completely unable to move as Sid paces back and forth with a distinct fire in his eyes. I think he has the wrong idea of why I'm here -- does he think my presence is intended to relay some kind of threat from my employer? How do I clear this up without this unstable maniac thinking I'm trying to pull a fast one on him?
I take in a deep breath and exhale, trying to relax the sound of my voice even though I am frantic inside. I look Sid right in the eyes and say: "I can assure you I'm not here to relay any kind of threat in any way, shape, or form. I'm here simply to give you a piece of important news that Mr. L knew you'd be very interested in seeing."
:3 x Better: Is that so? Well spit it out already; I don't have a lot of patience left in me!
I know I probably shouldn't push my luck but I try it anyway, saying to Sid: "Please, can you untie me from this bed so I can regain circulation in my arms? I have a note for you and nothing more; just a simple piece of news you can choose to disregard of you so please."
Sid keeps his eyes locked dead on me. It's like he doesn't even blink sometimes.
:3 x Better: You've got some balls on you to ask me something like that. You're lucky I don't skin you alive and wrap your flesh around the body of Jessie Diaz so I can claim my match at the pay per view is no longer being tainted by the fact that there's a woman involved.
Sid doesn't seem pleased but he's actually doing it -- he's releasing the straps one by one and letting me free from the bed! Again, I'm so thankful this wasn't a similar situation but with Dean McGovern. Sid actually let me up from the bed without entering me.
:3 x Better: Do you know how fuckin' lucky you are that I don't have sex with you like my name was Dean McGovern? You know how lucky you are that I enjoy fucking my wife and not little boys?
I nod and tell him: "Yes I actually was just thinking about that while you were letting me up."
Now that I'm free I waste no time reaching into my pocket and handing Sid the envelope. I place it in his hand and I go for it -- I start casually making my way toward what I assume is the way out. I slowly open the door and see the same hallway I remember walking through, except the door has '317' on it.
Oh no.
Sid's hand on my arm.
:3 x Better: Where do you think you're going? Aren't you going to stick around while I open this? If this fuckin' thing explodes you're coming to the afterlife with me and I'm going to torment your soul for the rest of eternity by forcing you to follow Nightmare around as he fails to intimidate anyone on his journey to repeatedly failing to stop John Madison. He can't even win the match that gets him a shot at the king! Somehow that miserable little cockroach, Luca of all people won that damn match!
I know Sid is serious when he starts mixing his threats toward me with insults of his upcoming opponents. I slowly let the door close as I back up, Sid pushing me several feet back into the middle of the living room before he begins to open that envelope. He rips it open in a hurry and yanks out the piece of paper, dropping the envelope and unfolding the paper with an aggressive look in his eyes.
I can feel the sweat starting to drip down my forehead as I watch Sid's eyes scan that piece of paper, rapidly shooting back and forth as he reads through it very quickly.
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