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Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson · (07-07-2013)

Dwayne “The Schlong” Johnson is wandering around the set of his next big franchise saving mission, Ghostbusters 3. He has been chosen to replace Harold Ramis’ character Egon. This decision was met with the same skepticism that was found towards Hollywood’s deep voiced funny man Seth Rogan who had already been chosen to take over the role of Winston, which was previously held by Ernie Hudson. Rogan and Rocky though felt they were perfect for the parts and really embodied the original vision of the characters.

They had been doing press for the long awaited sequel to the 80’s classics for some time now and had been finding it hard to hide their excitement of joining one of the most beloved film franchises in history. The questioning had been tough on all the interviews that the cast had faced, mainly along the lines of the casting being... Well let’s say a little off the wall.

As previously mentioned, Dwayne “The Schlong” Johnson had been cast as nerdy, Jewish spectacle wearing Egon Spengler, The brains of the Ghostbusters. Seth Rogan had been cast as Winston Zeddmore the reluctant Ghostbuster who was only there for an easy pay check. Rocky used to joke with Rogan that he was the most like the character he portrays, in the fact that he only ever makes movies for a quick pay day and no passion or quality will ever be seen in a Seth Rogan flick. Up next though is Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen who were given the parts of Ray Stantz and Peter Venkman, I know what you’re thinking, all these actors are much too young to be portraying these Ghostbusters a good twenty years after the original films were released! Well fear not busting fans, thanks to a great script by none other than Michael Bay all will make sense in the end. Apparently the Ghostbusters had been exposed to some rare form of ecto plasim which is ten times stronger than anything you can find in Paul Heyman's panties, this ecto plasim caused an age reduction hormone to grow within the busters thus resulting in them appearing young even though the film is set twenty years later.

No we don’t know how Winston turned white, Egon turned black and Venkman and Stantz turned into 20 something blonde haired female, child TV stars. It Is a Michael Bay film after all. In Bay we Trust!!!!!

So here is Rocky hanging out on set with his new friends, laughing and joking at whatever the generic same old same old poop or fart joke that just fell out of Seth Rogan’s mouth. Apparently Seth Rogan suffers with repetitive strain injury quite extremely with in his life, mainly due to his crap telling of the same jokes over and over again; however Rock likes him and enjoys the banter.

Mary Kate and Ashley walk out of Rocky’s trailer looking a little disheveled, Rocky looks towards them with a smile and a raise of the eyebrow and thinks to himself, ”God I hope they’re old enough, I don’t wanna be another Moxley McGovern, that guy is crazier than the Dong.”

Steve Sayors appears on set and The Rock quickly gets to his feet and approaches the XWF’s official interviewer. Sayors stops with the cameraman just behind him when he notices Rocky approaching with a slightly menacing look in his face.

The Rock Says: Who in the blue hell, has let this little spectacle wearing roody poo candy ass onto this set.

Seth Rogan looks up at all the commotion and leans over to Tiger Wood’s who is making his movie debut playing the part of Slimer. (Yeah we shrugged our shoulders at that one as well!)

Seth: Fucking hell Jordana and Michelle were right, he is an arsehole to the less fortunate than ourselves.

Tiger: I’d love to fuck Jordana’s arsehole and Michelle’s for that matter. Hole in mother-fucking one!!!

(Slimer...Slimey...Now it all makes sense.)

Seth: FFFFFOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEE. There is no way you could tap them two sizzle sticks man, Rocks got them both wrapped so tightly around his schlong its ridiculers, and I’m not even joking, RI-DIC-U-LERS!

Both men laugh and continue chatting between themselves, As Rocky grabs Sayor’s in a headlock wrestling him to the ground. Rocky is now laughing though. He was obviously messing about with his previous outburst. Finally after managing to drop his testicles into Sayor’s face he gets to his feet allowing Steve to do the same.

The Rock Says: Stevie boy howdz nutz, hahaha. I take it you have come to talk about the PPV and my match?

Sayors nods and is about to say something before The Rock raises his hand to cut him off.

The Rock Says: The Rock knows that’s why your here Stevie sugar it was a retangua... returnia... Retopica... rhetorical question. Do you know what that means Steve?

Steve Sayor’s nods his head and begins to talk but is again cut off by The Rock.

The Rock Says: Obviously you do not know what it means Steve as you were about to speak. A Rhetorical question you see Stevie means it is a question that does not require an answer. Do you get that?

Steve who is unsure now if he is to respond of not just stands still in silence.

The Rock Says: Good by now stand still like that for the rest of the interview and let The Rock speak.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania lock up your daughters because The Rocks Cumming to town and he is gonna hit it and quit it. That’s right my little Rockaholics at the XWF Leap of Faith PPV The Rock is heading into town to smash the place up and walk out one third of the XWF trio Tag Team Champions.

Who do I have to thank for this, well first I suppose I should thank the people in charge here in the XWF for allowing someone by the name of Hunter Payne to pick his own partners in a matchup of all match ups. Obviously then The Rock would like to thank Hunter himself, or maybe even Hunters proud mother for raising a child with a proper education which has obviously stood him in good stead as he as the brains and know how to pick The Rock to be one as one of his partners. He is so smart, and a little dreamy. The Rock is looking forward to this six man hide the strudel extravaganza, it’s going to be exciting for all involved but especially to the Millions and Millions of Horney Rockaholics that will be in attendance at Heinz Field on July the 13th 2013.

Man it’s going to be an exciting event…

We have not just the Trio Tag Titles the Rockster will be walking out of that field with but we also have the , XWF FTW UFO E1999 Championship belt up for grabs. Now this is exciting anyone and everyone on the roster can enter this orgy to see who finishes on top. Man I am getting a hard on just thinking about that match. What else hmmm, oh yes the Television Championship and US Championship will be up for grabs, what seems like indestructible Mr. Satellite defending his titles once again at the biggest stage. Steve Davids is defending his Xtreme championship in a very obvious Xtreme Rules match. Damn it’s making Rocky hot just talking about it. The Tag titles are on the line with the Crimson Nights defending their titles they took off two of The Rocks up and coming opponents I believe, Gilmour and Mr. Mystery, anyway more on them two smelly lumps of bellybutton fluff later.
Shit Dawg we have the uber weird Dean Moxley McGovern defending his European Championship on the line in a six way porn fest with Jessie Diaz being my pick of the bunch there.

Man what event were gonna have…

Oh shit how did I forget. There could be a new King Crown when Luca Arzegotti attempts to remove the crown from the head of his lover John Madison’s head. Something smells a bit fishy with this one, if I’m honest, or that could just be The Rock’s fingers sticking after the events of earlier.

The Rock looks over towards the Olsen Twins who are flicking the hair as they talk too Tiger Woods who looks like he is trying his best moves…. I’m sure he just asked them to sniff the end of his club. The Rock then looks back to the camera and Steve Sayors.

So Peter Gilmour the failure. He wanted to get his hands on the King, to make his empty superficial claim that he is the king official.

Oh snap what a moronic fool. He may as well take his fat ass down burger king and sit there crying into a chocolate milkshake with a whopper in one hand and stroking himself off with the other begging the Malcolm the cleaner to try and get him a paper crown.

Unfortunately Mr. Gilmour, Malcolm won’t help you, one because he isn’t allowed. If he is caught giving away the hats again his boss is going to make him eat a burger king burger, and secondly he won’t risk that torment by stealing you a paper crown because, well simply he just doesn’t really like you like the rest of god’s green earth. You can understand why though, I mean Malcolm spends his day whipping greasy, dirty stinking tables down and when he is not doing that he is emptying bins and picking up stinking cigarette butts… With his hands, and he still knows you stink worse than him. You may be the only person that does stick worse than Malcolm but its true you do… Take a bath man, at least before this Trio Tag Match because your making Rocky nervous he is going to catch some disgusting disease from you, I have had my jabs and everything. It is not like Rocky to worry about that kind of thing I mean he has shared a bed with Jordana Brewster and Michelle Rodriguez and them two buttered biscuits have had more stinking diseases than a wild cat, Blue Waffle anyone.

Yum.

So The Rock is warning you Gilmour have a wash, it's about time you stopped passing yourself off as nothing more than a bad example of a butch sweaty lesbian.

Shit that reminds me, I was supposed to find out the best way to get a stink out of a title belt or maybe I can have Mr. Mystery’s belt then Hunter Payne can worry about Gilmour’s stench.

Mr. Mystery, fuck me son I can see where you get your name from biatch, you are a fucking Mystery, because you’re never fucking here. I mean who is this mother fucking, mask wearing, tramp loving Roody Poo!

It doesn’t fucking matter who he is because he is nothing. More than a little bitch who accidentally stood too close to the stinking Peter Gilmour causing him to go blind and stumble over that other freak Unknown Soldiers makeup bag and into a Trio Tag Title Belt.
He doesn’t belong, he is a fluke and come PPV time Rocky and his team will come down on him like a nuke.
Your gonna be crushed boi, crushed by Rocky and his giant testicles dropping down onto your silly little mask right before you witness your title belt being strapped around this giant schlong between my overly large handsome legs. Biatch!!!!

OOOOOOOOsssshhhhhhh I can feel that shit now.

Then we have the man with the name most applicable to whom he actually is. Unknown Soldier. Its true my little freaky friend, your name fits you very well indeed because The Rock has no fucking idea who the fuck Unknown Soldier is, but hey I guess that’s the point right. I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I was a makeup wearing, manic depressive, almost anemic, Satan worshiping little bitch either.
I heard you threaten one of my partners in this match to a... no wait let me quote this correctly, “Why don’t you round up Mr. Chimichanga and Mr. Tamale and let’s see what happens. I’ll fuck you in the ass and cover you in ‘queso’ sauce you pathetic amateur”
Yeah this exactly what you said like the foolish crusty clown wanna be you are. Well Mr. Payne did find some partners and one of them partners is me and I am one of the two craziest motherfuckers in this business. It’s just a shame my good friend Dong couldn’t come along for the ride as well, or will he??? You see no matter what sick twisted shit you try to pull in that match it isn’t going to touch some of the things that I have had happen to me or enjoyed watching happen to the Dong. A bit like the time me and the Dong were out parting with that freak Jimbo Jamerson, we had been drinking we had been smoking all god damn night, until suddenly out of nowhere Jimbo pulls out some small razor blades and rams them up into his own penis. Me and Dong couldn’t believe what we were seeing when Jimbo then started to whack one off right in front of us. With blood dripping out the end of his schlong finally unleash a steaming load of blood filled jimbo spunk all over Crimson Dongs face. He then just laughed at us both and pointed out that he now has the only real Crimson Dong in the room.

You see Unknown Soldier that is fucked up, you are not twisted like that, in fact the only fucked up thing about you on the night of the PPV will be your smeared, smudged make up after the peoples testicles have been rubbed all over it.

Rocky takes a deep breath looking at the ground before looking back up towards Steve Sayors.

The Rock Says: So Steve why the fucking hell, are you here?

Steve slightly in shock begins to open his mouth to talk when suddenly he gets a quick punch in the mouth causing him to fall to the ground. As he looks up he can see his attacker…Charlie Sheen!! What the heck is her doing here?

Charlie Sheen: That was a Rhetorical question bitch.

The Rock laughs as he and Charlie Sheen are joined by a very drunk Ashton Kutcher, the three men turn away whistling the theme tune to Two and a Half Men.

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