Our scene opens up in the kitchen of the heralded Nelson family farm. Seated at the table wearing a cornflower blue dress is the matriarch of the family Ruth Nelson, and seated across the table from her is her wearing typical southern pastor attire is her love interest Pastor Rob. Standing looking as confused and dumb as ever is our lovable slap fighting champion Garry ‘Ray-Ray’ Nelson. We join a conversation currently in progress.

Ruth Nelson: What kinda match?

Ruth’s question hangs in the air momentarily. Ray-Ray stands upright with his hands on his denim clad hips, one touches one of the fifty stars on his right side, while the other rests across the red striping of the American flag.

Garry ‘Ray-Ray’ Nelson: She challenged me to a toy chest match. So what I gotta do is beat the hell out of her, then reach inta her toy chest.

Pastor Rob’s head shakes rapidly, and his neck muscles tense up as he lets out a sigh. Ruth’s jaw is near the table in shock, she looks back up at her son concerned.

Ruth Nelson: What does Betsy-Sue think about this?

GRRN: Well I don’t rightly…

Pastor Rob: Proverbs 6:32 is pretty clear Ray-Ray. But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself.

Ruth Nelson: Amen.

Garry looks at the table shocked, for once he’s the one clearly not understanding something, this is as confusing as 10th grade English Literature class, and that stumped him three times before he got the hang of it. Ray-Ray opens his mouth again to try to explain.

GRRN: See I gotta reach inta her chest and get a toy out.

Ruth Nelson: What kinda woman is this Ray-Ray?

GRRN: Well Momma I’m pretty sure she’s some typa damn sorcerer. She dresses like them people in the scary movies that chase after people or are from the future or somethin’.

Ruth Nelson: So she’s some typa women’s rites hippy liberal then?

GRRN: Well I dunno her political leanin’s Momma.

Pastor Rob: Surely she’s one of those floozies.

Ruth Nelson: Amen.

Once Amen was said in the Nelson household, it was normally a sign to end the conversation but Ray-Ray was still trying to wrap his head around what was going on.

Pastor Rob: Ruth, are you going to allow your son to compete in such a deabucheristic match?

Ruth Nelson: Never. It’d be a damn sin for me ta allow my son ta commit such an act against his beautiful wife.

GRRN: BETSY ALREADY KNOWS!

The shock and astoundment at the table was unnerving. Ruth Nelson looked on the verge of collapse, Pastor Rob shook his chair and while grumbling got to his feet, going to care for Mrs. Nelson. Rob darts over stroking Ruth Nelson’s long blonde wavy hair. Ruth puts her head in Pastor Rob’s arms.

Ruth Nelson: HOW COULD YA RAY-RAY!? HOW COULD YA!?

GRRN: IT WASN’T MY CHOICE MA! THE DEVIL WOMAN IS MAKIN’ ME DO IT!

Ruth Nelson: NOBODY IS MAKIN’ YOU DO NOTHIN’! AND NOW YER EMBARRASSIN' US ALL! DO YA HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT CHURCH IS GONNA BE LIKE?!

GRRN: Well I reckon’ it shouldn’t be much different than church normally is with havin’ me as a son.

Ruth Nelson: THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT RAY-RAY!

Ruth punches Pastor Rob's shoulder weakly a few times before settling in for a quiet sob on the man's suit that makes her electric blue mascara start to run. Pastor Rob straightens up, he’s a large man, but still a head smaller than our Colossus of Slap. He puffs his chest out, standing up as straight as he can, he starts in, with the most serious tone he could possibly ever muster.

Pastor Rob: Ray-Ray is this woman some type of Voodoo Priestess?

GRRN: The hell if I know Pastor Rob.

Ray-Ray swings his arms and walks backwards across the pale green tile to the white cabinets that contain an actual farm style sink. He runs the water for a moment and splashes it on his own face. Pastor Rob approaches him from behind, resting a reassuring hand on the most famous man from Nelson County’s shoulders.

Pastor Rob: Ray-Ray, do you feel like you are compelled to compete in this match? And answer me seriously son.

GRRN: HELL YEA I DO! I practically killed a man fer this Television Title Shot. I smashed him so damn hard with my elbow that he retired and unretired. It was faster than that Muggsy Bogues feller at dribblin’ the basketball. And I challenged her cause I thought I might get ta hang out with Swamp Thing, but it turns out she ain’t got nothin’ ta do with Swamp Thing and instead has a Toy Chest with a buncha…

Pastor Rob: Garry, I know what we have to do son. I know how to get you back to your Christ loving ways.

Ruth Nelson: LISTEN TO HIM RAY-RAY! I’M BEGGIN’ YA!

Ruth Nelson had made her way behind the good pastor and down to her knees, the tears in her eyes, and the electric blue mascara running down her face caused Ray-Ray to point.

GRRN: THAT’S WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE PASTOR ROB!

Pastor Rob: God bless you child.

Ruth Nelson turns her back, climbing slowly to her feet. She stomps over to Ray-Ray, and the large man quivers in fear at the site of his own five-foot two Mother. She looks into Ray-Ray’s eyes, and lets loose a tirade with all the force and guilt tripping she could muster.

Ruth Nelson: Ray-Ray, ya have ta listen ta Pastor Rob fer the family. Ya gotta listen ta him fer yer wife, fer yer marriage, fer all of us. If yer effected by some voodoo demonic priest, we have ta get ya help. We have ta take care of ya, we have ta get ya right Ray-Ray. We can’t allow her ta make ya commit such a criminal sin. Somethin’ that makes ya give up yer vows ta Betsy-Sue. Ya can’t be reachin’ in no woman’s toy chest but hers.

Ray-Ray sighs, the guilt is too much for him to bear. He looks down at his enormous hands, and places one on Pastor Rob’s now outstretched hand. His mother places her hand on top of both of theirs and looks Pastor Rob in the eyes.

Ruth Nelson: What’s next Pastor Rob?

—------------------------------------------------

Garry ‘Ray-Ray’ Nelson stood completely nude, the water of the creek made it up to his waistline. On the shore stood his mother Ruth Nelson, an enormous man to her right with his arm around her. Ray Nelson was a behemoth, even taller than Ray-Ray, with arms as big around as Ruth was. He wore his best pair of jeans and an American Flag button up shirt. Pastor Rob wore a white robe in the middle of creek, the water reached up to about the midpoint in his waist. He carried with him a golden chalice.

Pastor Rob: Lord, please bless your beloved son Garry ‘Ray-Ray’ Nelson, he stands before you today a man about to perform an unspeakable act. A man about to break his vow to his wife, a man about to perform the most debaucherous of infidelities, a man who is on the fast track to an eternity in your pits of punishment. But today he asks you for your forgiveness Lord, he asks you to bless his marriage and seeks your help in fixing it.

Garry looks at the shore, his father’s enormous brow turned downward at the ground, looking away from his son. His mother Ruth turned her head skyward, with her arms open repeating what the Pastor said.

GRRN: Now wait a second… I ain’t needin’ no help from no one with my marriage…

Pastor Rob: HELP THIS YOUNG MAN LIFT THE CURSE OF THE VOODOO PRIESTESS JENNY MYST! HELP THIS YOUNG MAN FIGHT AGAINST HER WILES AND CHARLATIAN WAYS! HELP THIS YOUNG MAN LIVE A LIFE BEHOLDEN UNTO YOU!

GRRN: I’m just tryin’ ta pull a Television Championship outta her toy chest!

Ruth Nelson looks mortified at her son, and mumbles under her breath.

Ruth Nelson: Sweet lord… how did that even get in there…

GRRN: IT’S A DAMN WRASSLIN’ MATCH!

Pastor Rob: HELP HIM OVERCOME THE EVILNESS OF SUCH AN ABOMINABLE SORCERESS! LORD IN YOUR NAME!

GRRN: GOD DAMMIT!

A pause comes across the creek, the blasphemous shouting that Ray-Ray has started causes his own father to turn his back on his son. Ruth Nelson falls to her knees with her hands clasped together, begging the Lord in Heaven. Pastor Rob drops his golden (probably plastic because he doesn’t seem that bothered, it could be aluminum but who the hell really knows besides him and the original designer of the Crunk Cup.) chalice in the water.

GRRN: Will someone wait one damn minute and listen ta what I gotta say? Fer once? Sweet lord this water is fuckin’ cold.

Ruth Nelson: It’s the demon! She speaks!

Pastor Rob: Get it out vile creature, spew your madness.

Ray-Ray sighs, placing an enormous hand on the side of his own head. His palm envelopes all of his face, while his fingers almost wrap clean around to the other side. He takes a second deep breath and prepares himself.

GRRN: This psycho sorceress and I are havin’ a wrestlin’ match. And yes, it does involve her toy chest.

Ruth Nelson goes to speak but Ray-Ray points his non-head holding hand directly at her.

GRRN: Listen ta me!

Pastor Rob holds his arm out towards Ruth, who solemnly nods her head. Even the enormous brute Ray Nelson turns back around to look at his son.

GRRN: Now that’s an actual toy chest, not whatever the hell y’all are thinkin’. It’s like where children would keep their toys… And yes it was her idea, but see, them’s the rules of that there title. Ya get ta pick what kinda match yer gonna be havin’...

Ruth looks at Ray-Ray quizzically, like a confused puppy being scolded for the first time. Ray Nelson nods along as Pastor Rob keeps his arm outstretched.

GRRN: So she’s got barbwire in the chest, she’s got broken glass in that chest, that woman has all kinds of things in that chest. AND NOT THAT CHEST MOMMA THE OTHER KINDA TOY CHEST!

Ray-Ray inhales and exhales again.

GRRN: So what I was askin’ the two of ya at the table, was how should I go ‘bout findin’ the Television Championship in a scary wooden toy box, while a scary lady tries ta skin me alive like I’m some typa fish. All the while, tryin’ not ta damage my greatest weapon… my beautiful hands…

Pastor Rob begins to walk away back towards the creek edge, Ruth looks down at the ground shocked, Ray Nelson nods to his son and grunts as he pulls a Marlboro Red out of his front shirt pocket. Ray-Ray begins his own trek back to land, while keeping his boys hidden behind his grotesquely large hands.

GRRN: So now y’all got the facts, what the hell am I supposed ta do ta avoid her little trap? How am I supposed ta work ‘round this psycho lady and keep her from doin’ all the harm ta old Ray-Ray?

Ruth Nelson looks up at her son, the confidence finally coming back to her. She stands on her feet and brushes her knees off as she looks back at Ray-Ray.

Ruth Nelson: You just dump it out ya fuckin’ idiot.

—------------------------------------

Now listen’ up Jenny. I didn’t pick ya ‘cause I thought ya were some typa easy out. Oh no, quite the contrary. I picked the X DUBYA F Television Championship because quite simply I wanna do what yer doin’. I wanna set my opponents up fer failure week in and week out, I wanna have them wrestle me in all kinds of fucked up random shit I think ‘bout.

Ya ever seen a NASCAR match? I don’t think ya have darlin’ and ya won’t if I don’t win the Television Championship. Ya ever seen who can drink the most PBR in a single sittin’ as a wrasslin’ match? No? I bet I got half the roster beat at that, no problemo.

That’s cause I got the heart of a champion Jenny. I got the heart of a man that is an unstoppable force in pro wrasslin’. I wanna take Savage over, I want it ta be all ‘bout my nonsense. I want it ta be all ‘bout ME. Ray-Ray. I’m a damn legend in the makin’ here, and with that title I’d become damn near unstoppable.

But I gotta beat ya first, I gotta beat ya in a match of yer own choosin’. I gotta lace up my Chuck Taylor’s nice and tight and march my way inta battle, inta glorious physical conflict with you. I gotta take ya on while yer own devices try ta take me on. Yer gonna make it tough on me mam, yer gonna make it tougher than a two dollar steak.

Trust me, I can see the way ya were lookin’ at that belt. Ya already got a name for her and everythin’, and while Goldie sure does sound nice, it sounds like somethin’ some bald feller with a giant beard would call his belt. If that old lady is comin’ home with me, Goldie’s gettin’ a fuckin’ facelift.

I’m gonna call her a beautiful name, a name that would make anyone want ta try ta capture her. She won’t be fer just bald men with beards anymore, oh no Jenny Myst. What she’s gonna be named is gonna be a show stopper, a stunner. People are gonna see that title and think ta themselves ‘DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!’

Her name will be Ruby.

I’ll name her after that nice strap she got ‘round her. Maybe at night I’ll call that title Red when were in the comforts of our own accommodations here at the farm. But ta everyone else, that lil ladies name is gonna be Ruby. And they’ll know, they’ll all know who Ruby belongs ta, cause I ain’t gonna let them forget Jenny. I ain’t gonna let them forget that Garry ‘Ray-Ray’ Nelson won the Television Championship in his second match.

I ain’t gonna let ya hold her down, and I ain’t gonna let ya hold me down ‘neither.

Hell Jenny, that strap was made fer me. Ya see that red? Damn near the same red they outlined Dale’s number three with fer all them years. Same damn color my favorite Ninja Turtle wears ‘round his eyes, and the color of my favorite Power Ranger.

They might as well have put a verse in that fancy book Pastor Rob likes ta read, Ray-Ray cometh in the main event fer that fancy red belt. And he’s gonna take it ta a better place! He’s gonna take it back ta Nelson County Kentucky and show everyone what a good ol’ boy from Nelson County can do against a sorceress.

Then they’ll get ta watch me all the time, I’ll be in main events every week. I’ll be all over them fellers Television’s carryin’ the Television title. Makin’ all you wrasslers fight in MY world.

Think of how fuckin’ scary of a place that is.

My world.

I can’t wait and neither can Ruby. I can hear her screamin’ ta get out of that chest ya done locked her up in, I can hear her beggin’ fer the white knight Ray-Ray Nelson ta come chargin’ inta battle ta save her. And I’ll fight the sorceress with my own two hands as hard as humanly possible. I’ll slap ya with the left, I’ll slap ya with the right, I’ll whip that ass all over the damn ring and the people will think it’s a delight! Ain't no shards of glass or mouse traps, or other devious witch craft gonna keep me from takin' what's mine in that ring.

Buckle up witch bitch, I’ll see ya at Savage.

—----------------------------------------

P.S. I’m gonna dump that box out and take yer belt, just like Momma said.