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~~Sweet Cheapshots~~ · (07-09-2013)

"The Players"

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Sweet Cheapshots
"The hero"

Natalie Foxx
"The girl & the boss"

Dikembe
"The spiritual advisor"

Billy Williams
"XWF on-boarding specialist"

{Episode 010}"The one in which our hero returns from the Los Angeles Underground."

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"Hi there. It's very, very good to see you again. I know it's been awhile. I thought perhaps you had left us. Please, come in and have a seat. You can leave your shoes by the door. Two sugars in your coffee, right? Good. So, I know you didn't come by to listen to me talk. I bet you're wondering what our old friend Sweet Cheapshots has been up to. Am I right? Where's he been? Where'd he disappear to after defeating Peter Gilmour? I promise all those questions will arrive in time, my friend. But first, let's take a journey to the City of Angels where we as always, find our story... already... in... progress... "

Sweet Cheapshots Fun Fact #527:
Sweet Cheapshots tells his milk if, and when, to expire.

The location: The office of Natalie Foxx - Los Angeles Time: 11:17am PST

We open up to find Natalie Foxx sitting at her desk, checking email, and answering the phone on her desk that doesn't seem to stop ringing. She's dressed in a power suit and sits legs crossed behind a very well organized desk.

From off we hear the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching. Suddenly, Billy Williams appears at the door to her office and knocks on the glass frantically. Natalie looks up and motions for him to come in.

Billy tugs on the door, but no go.

Natalie Foxx: "It's a push!"

Billy Williams: "What?!"

Billy tugs on the door again, but doesn't see what he's doing wrong.

Natalie Foxx: "You have to push!"

Billy Williams: "Is this sound proof glass? I can't hear a thing you're saying!"

Billy tugs again, but no luck.

Natalie Foxx: "It's a push... you moron..."

Billy Williams: "Is it locked? I can't seem to get --"

Finally, through all his effort, he pushes forward on the door and finds himself in Natalie's office.

Billy Williams: "Wow, seems like you guys really beefed security up around here. That's one heck of a tough door."

Natalie sighs and takes off her glasses.

Natalie Foxx: "Help you with something, Billy?"

Billy Williams: "Yes, Ms. Foxx. You told me to contact you immediately if I had a lead on Sweets' whereabouts."

Natalie Foxx: "I remember the conversation. However, your last two leads proved unsuccessful. The last leading us around town on a wild goose chase before ending up at Patrick Duffy's house. I'm still trying to burn that memory of what we saw there from my mind."

Billy Williams: "As am I Ms. Foxx. But this time I'm willing to bet my job on this. Here, take a look for yourself."

He passes over a folder and Natalie opens it on her desk. She frowns.

Natalie Foxx: "Why am I looking at a photo of you with a ..."

She flips the photo around...

Natalie Foxx: "...transvestite hooker...?"

Billy Williams: "Whoops! Wow. So sorry, Ms. Foxx. Heh, heh. Next photo, please... Ma'am."

Natalie flips to the next photo. Pauses and studies it closely.

Natalie Foxx: "That looks like him, alright. How soon to you think you can get to this location?"

Billy Williams: "If I leave now, factoring in traffic and I need to stop and get gas... still haven't eaten today... and I need to pick up my... let's see... carry the one... TWO HOURS!"

Natalie Foxx: "Good. This is a fantastic job, Billy. Go bring our boy in."

Billy Williams: "Thanks, Ms. Foxx. You really think you can get Sweets' his job back at the XWF?"

Natalie Foxx: "It's why they pay me the big bucks. Now run along. Traffic is a bitch on the 405 today."

Billy smiles and runs for the door and tries to push -- but can't seem to get it to go. As he's fighting with it Natalie just sighs and goes back to making phone calls.

Sweet Cheapshots Fun Fact #167:
When Sweet Cheapshots throws his trash away it's already recycled.

The location: Somewhere in the California desert Time: Hot as shit...

We're sweeping across a wide open, dry and dusty plain of desert. The sun is burning bright in the sky above us. Let's cue some music for this establishing shot. What do you say?

Much better. The instrumental carries us over a few sand dunes and we dip down into a valley. We see a man sitting cross-legged in the sand. He's shirtless and wears torn desert khakis.

We move in closer and see his dark, tan skin from the exposure to the sun. His hair is white blonde and a scraggly blonde beard covers his face. As we arrive in front of him we realize to our surprise that this is Sweet Cheapshots.

He's not alone. Across from him sits another man... none other than Johnny Depp. (Yes, we're as shocked as you are).

Johnny Depp: "How was your journey, my friend?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "It was... I don't know what it was."

Johnny Depp: "That's okay. Most peyote trips are personal to the voyeur. I hope you found what you were looking for."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Yes, but I think I may have killed Sad Turtle by mistake."

They both look over to where a giant tortoise lays on its back keeled over.

Johnny Depp: "Ah, yes. Sad Turtle. Well, sometimes your spirit animal doesn't always make the journey back."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I thought you said my spirit animal was the arctic fox?"

Johnny Depp: "Look, Sweets. I like you a lot, but I just came out here to get stoned my man. I tried to tell you that my stuff is strong. I'm not your spiritual guide."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I know, Johnny. I had a spiritual guide once. His name was Dikembe. He got deported I think. That or he was arrested for public nudity. I can't recall."

Johnny Depp: "That's a bummer. Say, you ever find yourself thinking about how the earth's rotation is slowing down 0.000001 a second every year?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "I can't say I do. I should probably get going. I'd love to stay and help you bury Sad Turtle, but I got places to be."

Johnny Depp: "Where are you off to?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Not sure. I figure I'll be like Caine in Kung Fu: walk from place to place, meet people, get into adventures."

Johnny Depp: "You're a righteous dude, Mr. Sweet Cheapshots. Be well, my friend."

The two stand up. Embrace.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Not for nothing, I still think you were the sh** in BLOW. The ending of that movie gets me every time."

Johnny nods a thank you. He bends down and puts the dead turtle up under his arm and walks off before suddenly disappearing into the horizon.

Voice: "Sweets?"

Sweets turns to see someone approaching. In the background, a blue Prius is parked on the shoulder of a one lane highway. Sweets squints and holds a hand up to shield his eyes from the sun.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Bobby? What are you doing out here?"

Billy Williams approaches. Face already covered in sweat.

Billy Williams: "Billy, sir. It's Billy Williams."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Err... right. What the hell are you doing all the way out here anyway?"

Billy Williams: "Ms. Foxx sent me to come get you. We've been looking for months since you disappeared on us."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I can't believe she sent you all the way out there. How is she?"

Billy Williams: "Good. She's taking to berating me in your absence. To be honest sir, no one puts me down like you do."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I'm, uh... flattered, Billy. But what does she want? I'm on a journey of the mind out here."

Billy Williams: "Well, technically you're still under contract with the XWF and you never cleared your leave of absence with them so I think she'd like you to come back."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I'm sorry, Billy. You're gonna have to tell her I'm not interested. Wrestling just isn't what I'm about anymore."

Billy Williams: "Ms. Foxx wanted me to communicate that I'm supposed to bring you in by any means necessary."

Sweet Cheapshots: "What the hell does that mean?"

Billy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a taser.

Sweet Cheapshots: "C'mon, you can't be serious. You're not gonna taser me, Billy."

SMASH CUT TO--!!

Sweets, riding shotgun, looking pissed as hell as Billy drives with a sheepish look on his face. They ride in silence.

Sweet Cheapshots: "I can't believe you fCENSOREDing tasered me, Billy. Seriously, I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest with little knives. Do you at least have anything to say for yourself?"

Billy Williams: "I love that I have an erection... that didn't involve homeless people."

Sweets' jaw hangs open.

Sweet Cheapshots: "What the hell does that... you know what? Never mind. Wake me when we're back in LA."

Billy Williams: "I hope you don't mind if I put on some Bon Jovi."

Sweet Cheapshots: "If you put on Bon Jovi I'm going to rub sand in your dead little eyes."

Billy smirks.

Billy Williams: "It's good to have you back, sir."

Sweet Cheapshots Fun Fact #491:
Sweet Cheapshots actually knows Victoria's Secret, he just won't tell anyone what it is.

The location: The office of Natalie Foxx - Los Angeles Time: 6:26pm PST

We're back at Natalie's desk when her office door opens and in walks Billy and Sweet Cheapshots. She looks up, genuinely surprised to see him, then her look changes to a frown.

Natalie Foxx: "Are you auditioning for the Cat Stevens biopic?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Har, har. Good to see you too, babe."

He goes to come around the side of the desk, but Natalie puts her hands up.

Natalie Foxx: "Let's hold off on the greetings. I can smell you all the way over here."

Sweet Cheapshots: "It's probably baby bird bladder over here. This little girl made us stop like nineteen times for the restroom. I told him to start holding it."

Billy Williams: "Speaking of which..."

Billy hauls ass out of the room doing a pee dance -- but not before getting hung up on how to open the door. Sweets and Natalie watch for a second and then go back to their conversation.

Natalie Foxx: "So, there's this little thing where you're supposed to tell me when you plan to FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH FOR TWO MONTHS!"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Yikes, why are you yelling? Sheesh. I can see your nipples getting hard from here."

Natalie Foxx: "I'm yelling because I've had Witasick breathing down my neck about where you've been. You can't just up and disappear like that. Especially when your employer is still paying you. I had to beg him not to let you out of your contract."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Okay, okay. I get it. I'm sorry. I screwed up. Anyway to make it up to you?"

Natalie Foxx: "As a matter of fact, yes. You timed your return perfectly as Warfare is in LA this week. You're going to be at the Staples Center on Wednesday and you're going to fight on the card wherever Wallace tells you to."

Sweet Cheapshots: "And if I don't want to?"

Natalie Foxx: "Our business arrangement is through as well as... other arrangements of ours."

Sweets sighs --

Sweet Cheapshots: "You're tough, babe. But that's what I like about you. So, what's next?"

Natalie Foxx: "I suggest you clean up. You have a meeting with Wallace in about an hour."

What will happen when Sweets meets his old boss? Will Wallace be pissed? Or welcome Sweets back with open arms?

Will we ever find out what Natalie saw at Patrick Duffy's house?

Why was Johnny Depp in that desert?

Also, what's the deal with this guy Heironeous? Why does he make Sweet Cheapshots want to say "Harooo!" in a very offensive Asian accent?

Find out next time! Same Cheapshot time. Same Cheapshot channel!

To be continued...

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