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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Leap Of Faith 2022 RP Board
The Escape Pt 1 -or- No, YOU Stop Referencing Star Wars!!!
Author Message
Mark Flynn Offline
24/7 Briefcase Holders get their name in GOLD
The 24/7 Shot!



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


#1
05-21-2022, 08:31 PM

Alarms blaring!

Sounds of fists against flesh!

A girlish scream!

…And suddenly, the sound of two massive fleshy flops hitting tile.

A switch is pulled. And the alarm dies.



“Agent Stevens, report in!”



“Agent Stevens, this is Agent Redd Spahtz. Acknowledge!”

A chest radio is pulled up off a body lying on the floor. But, after a half-foot of pulling, the wire is pulled tight. It’s… very, very short.

“Agent Stevens, do you copy?!?”

Sighing in desperation, The North Korean War Criminal buries his chest against the unconscious guard, assuming the position of “the little spoon”. He pulls the radio against his ear.

“...Annye-... I mean, Hello Agent Spahtz!” NK coughs, trying to mask his efforts to make his voice sound deeper and more masculine. “...How is it hanging?” NK says, attempting to improvise some American vernacular.

Of course, this conversation was facetious. NK had taken meticulous notes on all of his American co-workers at the Bureau to report data back to Central Command. And he was already aware Agent Spahtz hung to the left and flaccidly without the use of back-alley ED drugs Spahtz had purchased off the internet.

“Agent Stevens, you flipped the security desk alarm on for twenty-one seconds, then flipped it back off. Is everything all right?”

“Uh, yes, no, our error! Everything is under control here, situation normal. Over and Out!”

“What happened?”

“Uh, we had a slight… temperature malfunction! It was… uh… cold!”

NK reaches behind him to the unconscious security guard and pulls the sentry’s arm over his body.

“We… er… attempted to resolve it via the air conditioning system and accidentally activated the alarm! What a goof, eh? Classic Stevens move! Haha, perhaps we should have our own sitcom.”

NK pats the guard’s arm reassuringly, as if he needs to be emotionally comforted that he was not knocked unconscious in vain.

“However, we are now fully warm AND fully secure. Everything is all right now! We are perfectly fine here… now.”



“How are you?”

“We’re sending a squad down to write-up a report of this… accidental… temperature malfunction.”

NK grips the arm nervously of his unconscious big-spoon as he calls into the radio.

“Uh… Negative! Negative! It is… uh… Actually, now it is dangerously warm! Excessively hot and adding more bodies here would only exacerbate our current heating problems!” NK casts off the unconscious guard’s arm, the guard rolls over facing the opposite way… Of course, NK is still holding onto the radio and desperately rolls with the unconscious guard, now aggressively big-spooning the guard to still keep his mouth next to the radio.

“Give us a few minutes to… um… gather ice to… mitigate the warmth! Very hot! Very dangerous!”

“...Agent Stevens, what’s your first name?”



NK tries to crawl over the guard’s body a second time to check his chest.

…Damn. No nametag.

“Um… My first name…”



“Is AGENT. Agent… Agent Stevens.”





……

“All right, fine. But… What’s your MIDDLE name?”

…In a flash, NK kips-up to his feet and STOMPS the radio! He straightens his military fatigues.

“A boring conversation anyway…”

He looks over at the exit to the security center… Flynn is in the middle of deterministically parsing through the ring of keys that was on the other guard’s pocket, trying to find the one that unlocks this door. The United Korean Peace officer, dressed like NK, sits on the unconscious second guard, smiling confidently.

“Mark Flynn! Progress report on our escape?”

Flynn remains focused on the task at-hand, jamming key #5 into the lock…



A click! SUCCESS!

“All right, we’re outta here!” Flynn tosses the keys to NK. NK tries to snag them one-handed but accidentally bats them toward UK, where they hit the peace-lover in the face.

NK sucks in air, concerned he’s hurt his interdimensional counterpart, but UK, while grimacing in pain, maintains his cheery disposition.

Flynn doesn’t seem to notice any of this, instead mapping the entire facility in his mind’s eye.

“Okay, the shortest exit route is east. That’ll take us straight to the garage… we’ll have Kato bring around the limo and get the hell out of here…”

NK claps his hands twice.

“A genius ploy, Mark Flynn! Taking the swiftest route, they’ll never see it coming!”

Suddenly, the PA speakers embedded into the ceiling above them buzz to life.

“Calling all agents in the facility! We have reason to believe Agent Flynn and Agent Criminal are attempting to escape with a prisoner in the holding cells… They’re headed due east! Pursue!”

NK gasps.

“Drat! How could have anticipated our plan? Perhaps Agent Spahtz has more cunning than we initially anticipated?”

…Flynn sighs and points at NK’s feet.

…A buzzing. NK lifts his boot… and realizes the radio is still intact. And that he is standing on the talk button.

NK gasps before stomping once more!



Again!



…NK sighs with relief.

“...Now that I reconsider our approach, Mark Flynn.” The Korean states, regaining his composure, weaving an out-of-place lock of hair back into place. “The most obvious route is, in fact, far too obvious! What is the SECOND quickest route to the garage?”

“...South.”

“Haha! How devious! They shall never expect us to take the SECOND quickest route! Bahahaha-”

Amid NK’s nefarious cackling, the PA turns on again.

“Calling All Agents! Latest intel reveals fugitives Flynn and NK are escaping due south. Alter interception routes accordingly!”

NK looks down. Unfortunately, despite his many stomps, the radio is still functional.

In fact, his stomps… might have actually knocked some dust and grime off the radio, thereby making it MORE functional?

NK dives to his knees, desperately punching the radio…

Flynn pinches the bridge of his nose. This escape suddenly went from a challenge to an impossibility. As he watched his tag-team partner ineffectively punch the radio, still dangling off an unconscious guard’s chest… Out of the corner of his eye, he spots the identical United Korean Peace Officer.

Smiling openly and confidently.

“What the Hell are you smiling about?”

UK glances over relaxedly at Flynn, as if affably surprised to be addressed. “Oh! I apologize, that’s just the natural setting of my face. Like some people have ‘Resting Bitchface’, I have ‘Resting Positive Attitude’!”

Flynn scoffs dismissively.

“Scoff if you’d like. But, there is no scenario unaided by positivity! Every setback to your cause is merely an opportunity yet to be utilized...”

Flynn raises a finger to argue…



Before stroking his chin thoughtfully.

NK continues to desperately 1-2 punch into the chest-radio…

Suddenly, his fist is caught behind him.

NK spins around and Flynn presses a finger to his lips.

Then, he taps his temple twice and smiles.





NK catches on, deviously grinning.



As they leer, though, UK quietly takes the keyring that bounced off his face… And hides them behind his back… Bending them toward the chains around his wrists…

***

In the War Room. Flynn and NK sit on opposite ends of the classroom, at desks facing away from each other.

NK has a fine sheet of parchment before him. He dips an ancient quill into an ink bottle, dipping and re-dipping to obtain optimal writing viscosity at the tip of the pen.

Flynn has a pencil and paper.

Both sigh… And write.

“Dearest Chairman Theo Pryce, First of his Name, May His Financial Reign Last a Thousand Years…”

“Hey Theo.”

“I would like to extend my sincerest gratitude for this unique opportunity to, in one fell swoop, rise to the highest echelon of the XWF!”

“I knew you’d make a mistake, Theo. You assumed your ol’ pal Flynn would hang himself if you kept giving him rope.”

Flynn giggles.

“News flash, Pryce. I’m not the same morphine addict you pulled out of the gutter seven years ago. You’ve closed your mind to my potential… And accidentally left your most valuable piece in my clutches.”

“We’ve barely truly started this dance, you and I. And by your own choice, I’m two moves from checkmate.”


NK clears his throat.

“While Mark Flynn believes you to be our adversary, you offering me this opportunity makes your intentions clear like a marble in the placid and clean waters of the Taedong River. You must be our ally. For if you are not… Offering a spot in this competition would be the move of…”

“A fool.”

“An idiot.”

“A goddamn pleb.”

“If you truly believe the Greatest XWF Tag-Team Champions of All-Time won’t win…”

“Check the stats.”

“NK hasn’t lost a match in six months...”

“Mark Flynn has lost only to Comrade Alias… AND beaten your last two #1 contenders for the Universal Title…”

“You have two of the most dominant competitors in XWF history.”

“And, regardless of which one of us you booked.”

“Me.”

“You’ve stacked up a slab of filet mignon.”

“Against gutter scraps. Bone and gristle that not even a STARVING SOUTH KOREAN RAT would feed upon.”

“Starting from the bottom, we’ve got Marf.”

“Marf Swaysons.”

“Marf, the X-Treme Title champion who went the full eight weeks to get a briefcase.”

Flynn snaps his fingers

“But, aw shucks, he forgot to defend his title that whole time!”

Flynn smacks his forehead, like ‘what a faux pas’!

“Marf Swaysons had ONE defense in his two month title reign.”

“And he didn’t even win it! He drew! Then he lost the rematch!”

“Y’know, Them/These/Those Bastards call out CCP Enterprises for recruiting low-tier talent just to boost numbers…”

“And then Bobby and TK turn around loop in Marf… AFTER Jim Jimson. I mean, who’s next, while you’re drafting more pure mediocrity, hmm? Rampage, maybe? Fuckin’ Tommy Wish?!?”


“Speaking of Tommy Wish, Vita Valenteen!”

NK, from his chair, claps slowly and sarcastically.

“Vita Valenteen, whose record HAD BEEN perfect in the Sarah Lacklan Plump Pigeon tournament…”

“Before dropping the fucking ball against Tommy Wish.”

“TOMMY WISH.”

“You went to a DRAW against TOMMY WISH, Vita.”

“For reference, Comrade Valenteen… About ten months ago, I knew very few… ‘formal’ wrestling moves.”

“It’s true. Look that shit up.”

“In fact, I battled Betsy Granger and… underperformed.”

“He got the shit kicked out of him and won via cheating.”

Flynn cackles from his chair. NK balls up a piece of paper and hucks it behind him. It crumpled weightlessly against Flynn’s head.

“BUT! A week later! I wrestled Tommy Wish. And won easily.”

“True.”

“Tommy Wish frequently lets himself be pinned so he can get a whiff of a foot.”

“Ol’ Tommy pops a boner any time he catches a super kick, guy or gal.”

“And you couldn’t close the door and beat TOMMY WISH?!?”


“Vita Valenteen, we knew you sucked before we knew you were a vampire.”

“And we’ve fought vampires before, Vita.”

Both Flynn and NK kiss their fingertips and point to the ceiling.

“Rest in Peace, Lawrence Talbot.”

“Rest in Power, Larry.”

“We fought alongside Lawrence Talbot against the Lord of all Vampires, Count Dracula.”

“And we beat him so bad, he turned into a bat and abandoned the match.”

“We kicked the shit out of COUNT DRACULA.”


“Excuse us if we are unintimidated by a vampire less intimidating than Count Chocula.”

Flynn snickers at his partner’s joke, before trying to hide his delight by clearing his throat.

“Then, there’s Angie Vaughn.”

HRRRRRRRRRRCK! The War Criminal reels back his neck, gathering phlegm.



……

Flynn smacks his lips, thoughtfully.

“I gotta admit, I don’t feel strongly about Angie as a wrestler. Mediocre, middle-of-the-road talent. Not much worth saying.”

P’TOOOOIE. The totalitarian spits on the ground.

…Flynn sighs.

“But, as a coworker, it was…” Flynn, in a rare moment of care, bobs his eraser against his chin, searching for the perfect, politically-correct word.

“Unseemly…” Flynn decides. “No-showing in Corey’s farewell match.”

“THE INDIGNITY!” NK erupts, his quill jotting against the parchment with great ire! FURIOUS ANGER!

“The absolute GALL of this MISERABLE LITTLE CRETIN! When presented with the unique opportunity to wage battle against Captain Corey Smith, in his farewell match! As he bade goodbye to his MILLIONS of fans! Many of which watched from my hometown of Pyongyang, where the anonymous President of the Captain Corey Smith Fan Club held a viewing party from his tasteful villa AND MADE A SEVEN-LAYER DIP!”

“...Huh, I only counted five layers.”

“We surrounded the television and prepared to hoop and holler for Corey Smith’s final hurrah!”

“And what did we get…?”




“Nothing.”

“Angie Vaughn, when faced with a chance at immortality, took her ball and stayed home.”

“The crestfallen look on Captain Corey Smith’s face will remain locked in the darkest depths of my memories for the remainder of my life. It was the worst injustice I’ve ever witnessed.”

…Flynn whistles.

“Jesus, NK. Tell Theo how you REALLY feel.”

NK does not blush nor bats an eyelash.

“Angelica Vaughn is a craven, self-aggrandizing coward. The utmost example of Western Culture poisoning wrestling. And if she and I meet in the Leap of Faith match… I’ll guarantee she’ll be no-showing every booking for the rest of time.”



“...Wow.”

“Because she’ll be dead, Mark Flynn.”

“No, yeah, I got it.”



“Now that we’ve cleared the riff-raff and the no-chance opponents. Let’s move onto the ‘could-win’... if NK-and-or-Flynn weren’t competing.”

“Raion Kido!”

“The CHO-King of the XWF!”

NK and Flynn both start pounding their chests… Flynn is beating his heart with alternating fists, while NK stands up and desperately thrusts his chair against his stomach, like an improvised heimlich maneuver!

After a few seconds, they’re both laughing so hard, they nearly actually choke.

“Raion, you keep using flowery language about your destiny and your ascent to greatness.”

“We have been watching you for a number of months, Raion Kido. And we must ask…”

“...When?”

“When do you ascend to your high throne?”

“Cuz it sure as shit wasn’t when you lost to Charlie Nickles for the TV Title…”


“It wasn’t when you lost to Bourbon for the Crown.”

“And it wasn’t when you fought Nickles AGAIN in a rematch with only bragging rights on the line.”

“For the record, kiddo?”


“Kido, Mark Flynn. Raion Kido.”

“...You took two tries against Char-Char and picked up ZERO wins.”

“We took on Charlie Nickles. And beat him on the first try.”

“Of course, this was all lead-up to our real test. Our actual challenge in the Leap of Faith Match. The Grand High Poo-BOB.”


“Ol’ Bourbsy. The King Himself.”

“Truly a high obstacle for us to pass.”



……

Flynn and NK cackle in unison.

“If we hadn’t already beaten Bobby THREE WHOLE TIMES!”

“Theo Pryce, maybe we haven’t made this clear, but we have beaten the Bastards THREE TIMES in the last SIX MONTHS!”

“NK has had a…” Air-quotes, “Rivalry with Bobby since 2016. NK has a 5-0 record against Bobby Bourbon.”

NK confidently waggles his eyebrows. “As the youths might say, ‘Get gud, Bobby Bourbon’.”

“And I have a 3-0 record myself against ol’ Bourbon. We are UNDEFEATED against Bob-bo, separately AND combined!”

“Theo Pryce. Your Ace-in-the-Hole to stop us is Bobby Bourbon. That’s hilarious by itself!”

“But… Even worse… You booked Bourbsy against us… in a Leap of Faith match.”

“THEO. YOU BOOKED 291-pound, slow-as-molasses Bobby Bourbon… against US. In a match where the objective is to CLIMB STAIRS.”

“A footrace to the top of a building against a man who gets winded running his mouth.”

“Bobby Bourbon is so out-of-shape, he needs frequent breaks when exercising his freedom of speech.”

“Bourbsy is so blubbery, his thighs get chafed when he tries to jog his memory.”

“And every time he tries to jog his memory, he’s trying to remember the last time he could look down and see his own penis.”

“Which if NK’s research is correct, was...”

“Fat Camp. 8th Grade.”

“What we’re trying to say is, sure, Bourbon is wearing the crown that comes with being the King of the XWF.”

“But we’re about to knock that quintuple-Xtra Large crown off his Biggie-Sized noggin.”

Flynn and NK chuckle, as if fondly remembering the things they JUST said.

“Y’know, Theo. As much as we appreciate this chance… We ain’t fucking stupid.”

“We have reason to hypothesize that, perhaps your unclear invitation to the Leap of Faith match was very much intentional.”

“Maybe you’d drop a meal between two vicious predators and get them to tear each other apart, huh, ol’ buddy?”

“Perhaps you’d have an easier time taking the tag belts from our waists if we fought our opponents less… And fought each other more.”

“NEWS FLASH, PRYCE. Like bringing back APEX. Like introducing Double Trouble.”

“Your fool-proof plan... Has been foiled!”

“You see, WE…” Flynn and NK join voices.

Accept your offer to compete at Leap of Faith.

“You wanted one-half of the tag champs at LoF, Theo?”

“Fantastic news! We’re extending an ‘invite one champion, get one free’ promotion!”

“That’s right. Expect both the tag-champs to be making life a living hell for everyone else climbing the Burj Khalifa!”

“And before you say there’s only one open spot…”

NK and Flynn both grin nefariously.

“The match is no-disqualification, what the hell are YOU gonna do about it?”

“We already bend the rules every time we compete in a wrestling ring! How will you possibly limit our creative exploitation of the XWF’s incompetent officials in a 163-floor, 2,722-foot tall building?”

“Spoiler Alert: You Won’t.”

“Those who stand in our way! Those who saw this match as a chance to, perhaps, rise from mediocrity and ascend like a meteor to godhood!”

“No fuckin’ chance, kiddos.”

“For your ‘opportunity’, your ‘chance at stardom’. It was a sham all along, a cruel lie, a RUSE! Your fate as a failure was sealed! The moment your name rested on the card…”

Flynn and NK both rise from their chairs, signing their names on their letters…

Suddenly, they switch places and also sign their partner’s respective letters as well.

“Opposite Mark Flynn…”

The two meet in the center and bump fists.

“And the North Korean War Criminal…”

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Marf (05-28-2022), Prof. Bobby Bourbon (05-21-2022), Raion Kido (05-22-2022), Theo Pryce (05-24-2022), Unknown Soldier (05-22-2022)




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