DON’T RESPOND TO SHIT WITH VAUGHN

An ominous warning blares out as we see a wide shot of Charlie Nickles driving down a rural road on a brand new Indian Panhead motorcycle. The camera slowly starts zooming in on Charlie as he zooms down the paved path between two rows of trees. With the sun at his back, it almost looks like Charlie is trying to drive down the very shadow he casts.

FUCK TWEETING, WE SLIDING, THE FED WILL COME

The Nickleman is decked out in all sorts of elaborate biker gear EXCEPT a helmet. Truthfully, Charlie is just covered from toe-to-shoulder in leather and fringe. His mane of hair blows in the wind as he travels with reckless abandon down what many consider to be the highway to hell.


Connected to his motorbike are two sidecars. In one sidecar sits his Goldilocks, strapped into a child safety car seat. In the other sidecar sits a rather buff looking lion wearing a red collar. The collar is attached to a red leash that was hastily wrapped around various pieces of the motorbike. The lion is panting and looking around its surroundings, probably for a means of egress.

THEY REALLY DON’T MEAN IT, HE SAY IT IN SONGS
ALIAS REALLY DON’T MEAN IT, HE PLAY IT IN STORIES

The Nickleman pulls over to the side of the road before killing the engine of the bike. Now that the music has stopped we can hear clearly that Charlie’s cell phone is ringing. He shakes his hair loose and starts rubbing his grimy hands across both sides of his scalp. Only then does he reach into his pocket and pull out the pink iphone he stole from BestBuy years ago. Charlie accepts the call and holds the cell up to his mangled right ear.

Hey, calm down- I already told you I was on the road to Warfare! All these calls are just slowing me down now!

A familiar voice cackles on the other end of the line. Its Jenny Myst.

We be sliding through they blocks and they don't know we have! Buddy ass got kidnapped and we ain't claim it, but I can show his ass! Jimson knows what I’m talking about!

Jesus Christ, Jenny. Stop bothering me with all this cryptic bullshit. I told you the last three times you called that I’ll see you in a couple of hours.

A couple of hours? You need to get to Tampa quicker than that! Your anniversary party is going to start right when the cameras get rolling!

It’s not my anniversary.

Well, not technically, but technically your anniversary is going to happen the day AFTER Leap of Faith, so Jimson and I thought we should celebrate early!

What the fuck are you even talking about?

Your return to the XWF last year, dummy!

Oh, right. I did come back at Leap of Faith last year, didn’t I?

Right!

Bye now.

Charlie abruptly hangs up the call and tucks the cell phone back into his pocket. Almost immediately the phone begins ringing again, but this time Charlie just ignores it. He looks over to one of the trees lining the side of the highway and cocks a curious brow.



The white poster stapled to the tree brings a smile to The Nickleman’s face. He remembered Lance well, especially after their public back-and-forth over his TV division rankings. Charlie still had half-a-mind to make Lance pay for his snark, but he figured that maybe fate had already taken care of it.

He then turns to the side and addresses his championship belt sweetly.

You ready for me to dish some tea, baby? Figured while we’re stopped we may as well sip on something sweet.

Charlie nods gruffly once he ‘hears’ Goldi’s response.

Thought so. Everyone loves the tea I dish nowadays, eh?

The lion in the other sidecar looks around absentmindedly while Charlie reaches behind his seat and opens up a storage console. He pulls two empty tea cups out of the console and places one of them on Goldi’s car seat. He holds the other tea cup in his hands and blows over the top of it, as if he were immediately cooling down its contents after opening it. Charlie blows just a bit too hard, however, and the teacup goes flying out of his hands. The fine china mug shatters on the road below the motorbike. Charlie looks at the destruction and cracks a smile before lifting his gaze directly into the camera.

Oh no….did I do it again, Alias?

Charlie snickers as he looks between his lion and his championship belt.

Did my team and I shatter the mug?

Charlie releases the camera from his gaze as he begins looking all around his surroundings. The Nickleman’s eyes don’t settle anywhere: he’s scanning the entire universe. There’s not another man in sight, yet somehow Charlie just knows that he is watching. The Nickleman’s eyes eventually fall onto the shadow on the road in front of him.

I know you can hear me, Alias. You always have before. You must live in my shadow, the way you follow my every step and hang on my every word. It’s quite fitting, truly, given that your second championship reign was born in the shadow of mine. That may be tough to hear, Alias, but we both know it’s the truth.

You have not had a single moment of peace in that ring since your hand was raised at March Madness. You have had no time to celebrate, no time to attend to your clamoring masses. Everytime you show your face on my TV, I make sure it bleeds. The only refuge you have from me is in my shadow, you proved that to everyone on Warfare after my tag match.

The Nickleman lifts his gaze up from the shadows on the road and stares directly into the camera. He grips the handles of his bike as he grits his teeth.

While Space Jesus has been playing hide-and-seek for two months, the TV God has been turning detractors into converts every single Saturday Night Savage. It’s like clockwork now. A false idolater steps into murky waters, a false idolater gets baptized in blood. There is one true religion to rule the world, and it is the living will of The Nickleman! All shall bow or all shall fall, there is no other option.

You may be finding respite in my shadow for now, Alias, but soon enough you will have to step onto the golden sands of Dubai. And when you do I’ll be there, waiting for you, just like I have been for months on-end.

Charlie chuckles to himself as he looks back at the camera.

Trust me on this one, buddy: my shattered tea mugs should be the least of your concerns. Right now you should only be concerned with my plans to shatter your ugly mug on the pay per view! But let me guess: Alias isn’t sweating his greatest challenge yet.

Charlie just shakes his head and smiles at Alias’s predictable dismissiveness. The Nickleman is beyond used to the disrespect by now.

What’s his excuse going to be when I leave his lifeless body scarred beyond recognition? If Alias is so dead set on overlooking me, well then, I figure after I slaughter him at Leap of Faith I oughta rip his rolling eyes out of their sockets! I’ll put them in a jar on a shelf above my bed, so that way Alias can always overlook the man that was destined to put him down.

I fell to you once, Alias, that much is true: but every God must fall before he can save the universe. You may be Space Jesus, but I am the TV God and I am forever your father and your greater. By the time I’m done with you, Space Jesus, I swear I’ll have you looking like the holy ghost! I am writing the Bible of Bastards right now, page by page, and my next story only ends one way: with David beating Goliath.

Charlie turns to Goldi and gives her a sly wink, as if she had written that last line and he delivered it perfectly: but then he pulls back a little bit. The Nickleman squints into the camera before lowering his gaze to the shadow he casts. Charlie shakes his head from side to side as he spits a big fat loogie onto the pavement.

A fucking Goliath? Is that what people think this guy is now? You throw The Nickleman through a couple flames and all of a sudden you’re some kind of GOAT? You can pack that shit into your pipe and smoke it, but I won’t take a goddamned hit! That’s straight boofy. And that says a lot coming from me, cause I’ll smoke just about anything!

I don’t care what the twitter polls say: they’ve been wrong before and they will be wrong next week. Alias is no Goliath; that motherfucker shouldn’t even be the favorite in this match! I pinned him for a championship belt and he threw me through the ropes: this is the most one-sided rubber match I’ve ever fucking seen!

Unbeknownst to Charlie the lion steps out of the sidecar and begins walking around the shoulder of the road, towards some recent roadkill. The leash goes fully taught before the lion can reach the dead raccoon. As Charlie turns back towards the camera the lion stretches out and extends its paw as far as it can to get a claw into the rotting carcass.

You can’t escape the wrath of your TV God, Alias. You’d be a fool to even try. I must have the longest arms in the universe, because my reach is infinite. I can touch you no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, and no matter who you are with. You’re not safe from my influence on Earth, you’re not safe from my orbit on Mustafar, and you certainly won’t be safe from my command at Leap of Faith. I’ve already shown everyone that I can have you smacked down anywhere you are, no matter where you stand in the universe. I’m not the good Doctor, Alias: I don’t treat you with the kiddy gloves when I start smacking you around.

Charlie’s pet lion is able to snag a claw into the rotting carcass of the raccoon and eagerly drags it over. The lion lays down and begins gnawing on the dead meat as The Nickleman reaches into one of the pockets on his biker jacket and pulls out a cigarette. It looks like every predator has their own bad habits. Charlie lights the bad boy up before taking a big drag.

I’m the greatest champion in this company, but more than that, I’m the greatest champion in professional wrestling today. My championship run has been built off the broken bones of this industry’s rising stars and certified legends. Everyone who stepped to me for my gold got put down, HARD.

But Alias?

His championship run is still built off paper. Every man who’s ever stepped to that champion is still running around and running their mouth. Jim Jimson has a helluva’ story to tell. Marf Swaysons smoked Alias on Mustafar like it was nothing. Everyone gets a happy ending when they step to the paperboy, but shit, isn’t that how it’s always been? For as much as Alias likes to brag about getting jumped by the Left Hand you’d think he’d brag more about giving them a championship belt! They branded his body, forcing Alias to burn his entire hand in shame! Then Lycana ran through Alias and walked away with the X-treme championship. Who cares if she got caught up with Caedus and couldn’t seal the deal on the next go? The point still stands that the Left Hand fucked Alias’s body up for life and moved on from that feud stronger than ever!

The lion rips the head off the carcass and begins digging its teeth into the creature’s exposed spinal cord as Charlie ashes his cigarette.

You don’t get to fuck with The Nickleman and walk away with a championship belt. If you fuck with The Nickleman you’re liable to never walk anywhere in the XWF, ever again! Just ask Lynx. Just ask Dallas Marshall. Just ask Osira Themis. They all stepped to The Nickleman, and not a single one of them ever stepped back into an XWF ring. When the Left Hand stepped to Alias they walked away with the X-treme championship. When Jim Caedus stepped to Alias he walked away with the universal championship. The last time Lycana and Caedus even stepped NEAR The Nickleman they were never heard from again!

And that’s a fact, jack!

I take credit for the good works I do!

The lion is ripping the carcass to shreds with its teeth and claws. Old blood is getting spilled all over the highway as the hungry lion does its thing.

I’m the greatest champion in this industry and that’s exactly why everyone is begging for a shot at my title. The hottest stars in this company are risking their careers just to main event a card across from my name. Raion Kido, aka Thaddy’s new Daddy, is barely even scratching the surface. The universal champion himself has been begging for a shot at my Goldi for literal MONTHS! I can pull out the receipts if the bitch boy wants to press the issue, but I’ve never been one for all that law school shit. I just spit the truth, week after week, and that’s why I’m going down in history as the best to ever fucking do it.

The Nickleman grins like a dog, knowing that he has this alleycat right where he wants him.

Week after week. Now ain’t that a concept I’m going to have to drill into Alias’s head? I might literally have to drill a hole in his head and plug a flash drive into his brain so he understands what that means!

My championship title is the premiere belt in the XWF because I defend it week after week, against anyone and everyone with big enough balls to risk getting neutered. It’s an open challenge baby, and after I dispatch Alias the shit is going to remain that way. It’s fucking pathetic for a universal champion to only show up for one show a month! It’s even more pathetic to let an entire month pass without defending, or even fighting, jack shit! Did Jim Jimson’s attack at March Madness put your ass on injured reserve, Alias? If all it takes is one briefcase shot to shut Alias up for an entire month, then shit, I think I might return to that well tonight when I get to Tampa!

Charlie throws his head back as a hearty laugh overtakes him. He shakes his head from side to side before looking back at the camera.

That old dog has been more bark than bite ever since he came back from his slightly more absent than usual status. This second championship run of his is nothing more than a direct-to-video sequel of a movie only nerds liked. The most impressive thing Alias has done since he returned is set Charlie Nickles aflame, straight up. But fuck, that just makes him as impressive as my ex-wife! That bitch was even crazier than I am! That’s why the sex was so good I had to make two babies.

Charlie gives a creepy wink to the camera, continually facing it even as he begins leaning to the side and caressing his Goldi. Apparently all it takes nowadays is his absentminded touch to remind Goldi of his eternal love and devotion.

I’m riding into battle with the weight of all my brother’s expectations on my shoulders. Do you think you’re going to take down the entirety of BOB all on your own, Alias? Across the entire universe? You must be mad. Even Theo Pryce knows you can’t take down BOB as one man, if you bothered to show up to work you probably would have seen that segment on Warfare! It would have been good advice for you to take! But shit, I guess it’s too late for you to smarten up now.

Charlie looks back at the sun as it begins to set over the horizon behind him. Charlie knows that after the night comes a whole new dawn will rise, and he can’t wait to usher it in.

I am going to ride you down, Alias. This universe might be vast but there is no way you can hide from me forever.

Nickles starts the Indian Panhead up and the engine revs to life along with Lil Durk’s greatest hits. Charlie looks back towards the lion and yanks the leash far harder than one should. The lion’s body literally slams into the sidecar and it lets out a whimper.

Get back into the fucking sidecar, Raion Kido!

The lion with an ever changing name dejectedly hops back into the sidecar as it leaves the roadkill behind. Charlie hits the gas and hits the road as the camera slowly zooms out. Nickles speeds down the highway like a bullet from a gun, hitting speeds upwards of 100 miles per hour as he chases down his own long shadow. After a few miles Charlie soars past a sign on the side of the road marking his location.



Charlie pays no mind to the signage as he cruises down the road on the Indian Panhead that Oswald’s credit card probably paid for. A particularly rough gust of wind blasts through the trees and knocks the empty mug off of Goldi’s car seat, causing it to shatter all over the highway. Nickles doesn’t notice at the time, however, because his eyes are set on the hanging trees just ahead of him. Nickles drives even faster until he reaches the hanging trees, then he suddenly slams the brakes and pulls the bike over to the side.

The camera zooms back in on Charlie Nickles as he grips the handlebars and stares up at the nine bodies swinging in the breeze. The nine swinging dead hang from six trees, unevenly distributed among them. Their remains are charred beyond recognition. Charlie can’t help but crack a sick smile at the devastation.

It looks like my Nickeltrees are filling out quite nicely…but I reckon it’s time to add some more to the pile.

The Nickleman looks down towards the long shadows the trees are casting on the ground. All around the trees there are patches of dead space, as if nothing meaningful could grow in their shadows. Charlie reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his scarlet nickels.

Looks like not much else can grow here, but shit, here goes nothing.

Charlie tosses his scarlet nickels out along the side of the road before putting his palms back on the grips of the handlebars. He revs the engine of the bike before flipping his long greasy hair back over his shoulders with a twist of his neck.

I’ll check on you babies after I come back from Dubai. Gosh, you’re so much prettier than weeping willows!

And with that The Nickleman shoots off on his Indian Panhead, driving recklessly and reaching dangerous speeds down the rural stretch of road. He puts the rubber to the pavement as he blazes a trail few will ever follow. Charlie knows that he’s going places others never will, so he doesn’t give a damn about covering his tracks.

Charlie keeps speeding down the road until he sees a seemingly abandoned town in the distance. The Nickleman finally slows down as he reaches the outskirts of what appears to be the main street of a long forgotten town. Banners that read ‘Memory Lane’ are hung from various light poles that hang over the street. Nickles looks between different buildings and empty parking lots before speaking his mind to his Goldi.

I don’t remember seeing a Memory Lane on the map…you think this is still the way to Tampa, babe?

Before Goldi can respond, Charlie notices that the mug is missing from her car seat. He looks immediately troubled.

Oh no Goldi, did your mug shatter too?! This isn’t good, this isn’t good at all! How are we going to sip our tea?

As Charlie cruises, he turns to the side and notices a storefront along the road that draws his eye.




Huh…I wonder if they have antique mugs! Shit, I think we still got some time before Warfare- wouldn’t hurt to stop and check em’ out.

The Nickleman pulls the motorbike over to the side of the road before killing the engine and propping the kickstand. He unbuckles Goldi from her car seat before flinging her over his shoulder. He pats the panting lion on the head before hopping off of his new Indian Panhead.

Now you be good out here, Raion, alright? Don’t make me beat your ass a third time!

Nickles laughs at his own threat as he walks up to the entrance of Loy’s Furniture & Antique Shop. As Charlie steps through the front door a small bell rings above him. The Nickleman stops and looks around the cluttered store before walking towards the service counter set against the far wall. Charlie talks softly to his Goldi while they pass by rusty tricycles, old family portraits, and repurposed tombstones en route to the counter.

Remember to keep an eye out for shatterproof mugs, but don’t be too obvious about it. We should try to get a good deal! I love haggling! I’m going to try to hit this guy with the classic misdirect straight out of the gate.

Huh? What was that, pal?

Charlie shifts his gaze over to the man across the counter. Charlie flashes a clear look of annoyance after being interrupted. The man behind the counter gives Charlie a submissive smile as he fidgets with his fingers.





I said I came here looking for something incredibly specific.

Well holy heck, pal, what are you looking for? I probably have it somewhere around my store! They don’t call me Loy the junk collector for no reason!

The Nickleman and his Goldi turn around briefly to scope out the store. A few seconds later Charlie turns back around with pursed lips and a slight scowl. The expression leaves Loy a bit taken aback.

I don’t see it here.

Well hey, maybe I have it in the back. What are you trying to get?

Charlie looks at the man with a feigned expectation of disappointment.

I need a 1979 GE performance color television set, platform and all. You got one for me?

We got three of those in the back!

Oh, what a shame. Since you don’t have that, I guess I could settle for some shatt- wait, what?

The Nickleman blinks as the unexpected answer throws him off his script. Charlie scratches his head while he tries to plot his next negotiating tactic. The owner of the store, meanwhile, walks out from behind the desk and gestures for Charlie to follow him.

Come check them out!

Nickles groans to himself before walking after Loy. Charlie is guided past a few shelves of old dolls, a couple of coat racks holding fedoras, and a kiddie pool that appears speckled with mysterious brown spots. Charlie seems almost entranced with the kiddie pool, as if he had seen it somewhere before. That’s when Loy coughs into his own hand to regain The Nickleman’s attention.

So here we go. What do you think of these beauts’? If you want to buy all three I can give you a great deal!

Loy gestures towards three identical television sets as Charlie lifts his eyes back up. Each bulky TV is set up against the side wall and plugged into an extremely long extension cord that is plugged into another long extension cord that runs all the way off camera, quite possibly connected to another out of sight extension cord.



These are old as fuck! Do they even work anymore?

Well they’re from 1979, just like you were looking for! I’m not sure what’s so special about that year, but you seemed very particular about it!

Charlie holds his Goldi on his shoulder as he approaches the TVs. Charlie moves between each television set, as if he were inspecting it closely. In reality, he’s just trying to figure out how to explain that he’s really looking for mugs and just wants a good deal.

Here, let me turn them on so you can see them in beautiful color! Did you know that the television is credited by some scholars for connecting the whole universe? It's true! Not only can people in Africa see what's going on in Ukraine, but I heard they're even sending TV beams into space now, showing Office reruns 24/7, hoping to find intelligent life in space! I'm not sure why they're showing Office reruns if they want to communicate with intelligent life, but heck, I'm sure the scientists know more than I do!

The Nickleman smirks as soon as Lance opens his mouth.

Turn em’ on, eh? I knew you were a freak when I first laid eyes on ya’! Show me the nasty tapes you got preloaded into these sons of bitches.

Ah ha…right then.

Loy looks quite uncomfortable with the extra commentary from The Nickleman. He awkwardly adjusts the tie around his neck before bending over to press the power button on the first TV. Loy then backs away from the TV set as it slowly loads to life. After a couple of seconds we see a familiar face appear on the screen. Charlie leans in and squints his eyes as the antique TV comes to life.


Charlie and the shop owner stand beside each other as the pretty face on the screen begins to talk his usual bullshit.


Congratulations on beating Raion Kido. I really wasn’t expecting that. My money’s still on you not even making it to April with the Television Championship. Not after coming into contact with me.

That’s how it works, Charlie. Throw all the fucking toys you want, I said it so it must be true.

HA!

Try to prove me wrong




The screen is overtaken by sudden static. This only lasts for a few seconds before the face of a woman comes across the TV screen. It’s HHL from the XWF commentary team! She’s sitting behind a table with a headset on, and she looks worked up about something!

HHL: And Charlie's historic Title reign continues!




Static overtakes the screen once more. After a few seconds of static the television suddenly short-circuits and internally explodes. Charlie looks around the store with a blank expression as a trail of gray smoke rises out of the first TV set. Loy rushes over to turn the TV off. Charlie looks back to Goldi as the clerk starts fanning the smoke away from the antique set.

Well, that was easy. This TV sucks.

Our next one is definitely going to be better! Forgive me, you know, these old TVs come into the shop as they are! Not much we can do for them at this point, but self-inflicted damage like this is a complete outlier!

The store owner rushes over to the second TV and quickly turns it on with a nervous smile. Once he presses the power button he backpedals until he’s next to The Nickleman. While the TV screen slowly colorizes Charlie crosses his arms. Loy looks up to Charlie with a big, friendly smile- that Charlie ignores entirely.

So, what made you want this model specifically anyways?

Charlie, without looking at Loy, brings a finger up to his lip.

Shh. Me and Goldi are watching TV.

Oh, alright, yes. Of course.

The antique collector coughs into his own hands before nervously fidgeting with his tie. He looks back towards the TV as the exact same face from before appears on the screen, talking that same usual bullshit.




Char’ Char’ himself surprisingly said it best: Two of the best to ever step into an XWF ring. Since when was his name in that fucking conversation? Spoiler: He’s not. Shit, Derrick Diamond still can’t even spell Charlie’s name right! Weak, insignificant, nothing to fear, and nothing of note. That’s how people talked about BOB, according to Charlie.

Oh boy, I’m doing the thing again!

That’s how they still talk about Charlie Nickles.

The face on the screen disappears as a millisecond of static cuts apart the feed. That’s when a new face suddenly flashes across the screen to speak his truth.



In the end, as decayed, as disgusting, as beyond salvation you are, you’re still the record-setting Television Champion, the longest reigning of the XWF’s modern era, and that’s how you will be remembered

The face on the screen disappears as a millisecond of static cuts apart the feed. That’s when a new face suddenly flashes across the screen to notate his observations.


I know you love playing mind games. It's your favorite. It's how you've not only beaten several strong competitors, but you also ran them out of the federation. Hell, your ability to dig deep into Betsy Granger's mind pretty much fucked her up for life. It was so bad, she broke up with Raven and got a new body. That's some high level stuff there.

The face on the screen disappears as a millisecond of static cuts apart the feed. That’s when a new face suddenly flashes across the screen to bemoan the obvious.



This is who people want to see as the top guy in XWF. The same man who basically at first came across as a Darren Dangerous knock off, to the pinnacle of what this company values as its leader of the locker room. This man, who felt the need to promote the fact that he’s been in more matches that involved blood losses, broken bones, and even a sense of pride in being a man who’s used as a punching bag more or less, until he gets what he wants.

The screen is overtaken by sudden static. This only lasts for a few seconds before the face of a woman comes across the TV screen. It’s HHL from the XWF commentary team! She’s sitting behind a table with a headset on, and she looks worked up about something!

HHL: And Charlie's historic Title reign continues!


A prolonged static suddenly interrupts the feed.


This lasts for multiple seconds until this TV set begins to smoke and crackle. Loy rushes towards it and presses the power button, hoping to prevent it from completely imploding like the last antique set. Charlie can’t help but laugh.

You might need to show me four TVs at this rate!

I’m sure our third TV set is going to blow you away!

Yeah, we’ll let Goldi be the judge of that.

Loy squints at Charlie as he cocks his head to the side. The collector places his hands on his waist as he stares.

Go-who? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Nevermind.

Loy takes his hands off his waist to wave away his own question. Right after that he approaches the third television set and does that stupid Catholic chest-crossing thing before pressing the power button and slowly backing up towards Charlie.

This one, this is our best one! I promise!

Uh huh…

The Nickleman looks on skeptically before a familiar face flashes to life on the screen. A slight smile twitches at the corner of Charlie’s mouth as he watches a bad man lay down the law.



I’m going to come for you, Alias, again and again and again until I have everything I want from you. I’m going to make you bleed, I’m going to make you break, I’m going to make you burn. And I won’t stop until your charred hide hangs from the mantle of my fireplace. I won’t stop until the world acknowledges this one simple truth: The Nickleman is the greatest man to ever step between those ropes.

Charlie Nickles waves a finger of approval in the air as the man on the screen keeps speaking facts and spitting hard truths. The nervous store owner smiles while nodding up and down.

You like it, don’t you?! I told you you’d like it, pal!

Nickles turns to the man beside him.

You were right, I do like it. This is the TV I want. How much do I owe ya?

Loy looks over to the TV set, then back to The Nickleman: or more specifically, to the gold he flaunts around his waist.

Well….for a man like you? I could let this go for about three thousand dollars! It’s one of a kind, after all!

What do you mean one of a kind? It’s next to two others!

Oh…but those don’t work! I’d bet this is the only working model of this set for hundreds of miles!

Nickles mulls it over. Not the offer, mind you: he didn’t come here for an antique TV set. He came here for shatter-proof mugs, but it seems like everything in this store is so gosh darn expensive. That’s when a light bulb violently goes out above The Nickleman’s head: literally. Glass rains down on him to cover his head and shoulders like some top-notch shampoo. The store owner goes to apologize, but Nickles just shakes his hair like a dog and sends the glass shards flying every which way.

Oh shoot, our apologies! That seems to happen every week! It must be a problem with the electrical..

Charlie looks right pissed off, but then a metaphorical light bulb goes off above his head. He adorns a more friendly demeanor.

Don’t worry about it: but do you got a shitter? I think some of that glass fell into my asscrack and I’m going to need to scoop it out through my dingleberries.

Loy seems shocked by the request, but he doesn’t want to insult a gold-plated customer.

Oh uhm, yes- over in the back, past the art collection.

Thanks.

Charlie undoes the straps of his TV championship belt before placing her on a nearby table facing the TV screen. He gets down on one knee to speak to her.

Now you sit here and watch the nice man on the TV, okay baby? If you decide you like it, I’ll buy it for you. You know I’ve been a made man ever since I capsized that Gravy train in January.

Charlie gives his championship a big kiss on the plate before stepping up and addressing the completely shook antique dealer.

You stay here with her and answer any questions she has, alright? I hate to admit it, but she really does wear the pants in this relationship.

Uhm…what?

You heard me. Now think it through.

Charlie swiftly walks away from the stunned shop owner as he heads towards the back of the store. Leaving his Goldi to watch the TV set, Charlie keeps a close eye on every shelf he walks past. Since this place has such expensive prices Charlie figured he ought to be entitled to a five-finger discount, and he’s working hard to redeem that coupon himself. Unfortunately, Charlie’s not finding any shatter-proof mugs on his walk to the back. Instead, this store is stocked to the brim with an overabundance of cheap trinkets and abandoned family treasures.

He’s not interested in any of the merchandise at all, in fact, until he stumbles upon a portrait hanging on the back wall that immediately draws him in.


The woman in the painting seems to vanish back and forth between this plane and the next. Her golden afro and ebony skin seems so familiar to Charlie, but after all the drugs he’s done he just can’t match the memory.

You remind me of someone…

The universe painted around her body seemed so intricate and lifelike to Charlie, as if he could reach out and literally be pulled in. Charlie had never been one to appreciate art, nor women, but he had always been a man who appreciated the female form. This woman appeared before Charlie just as he prefered: as an object to be consumed. All his life Charlie has found himself incapable of forming true bonds with women, he could just never bring himself to treat them with respect and decency. He always treated women like they were beneath him, like their emotions and needs were nothing but a nuisance to him. This patriarchal predilection destroyed his relationship with his mother. It ended his marriage to Connie. It will surely suffocate his love for his daughter Emily as she grows older. But what could it do to the woman in the painting?

You’re beautiful…

Charlie watched in wonder as the woman inked into the center of the universe made eye contact with him. As The Nickleman looked into the eyes of the painting he saw the universe not just around the woman, but within her. There was a depth and complexity to the ink on the canvas that truly spoke to Charlie the way no art ever has before. Charlie constructed the core premise of the art in his mind: ‘A woman should be the center of a man’s universe’. This spoke to Charlie’s core. As far as he was ever concerned, a man was only as good as the woman he dominated. The Nickleman cocked his head to the side, and he could swear the woman in the painting did the same.

Who are you?

Charlie’s question went unanswered, but all the clues were there. A shame The Nickleman was never much of a detective, just a repeat suspect. As such, The Nickleman pulled a boxcutter out of his steel-toed boot before bringing it up to the frame of the painting.

I’m taking you home with me, darling!

The woman on the canvas seemed to smile as Charlie cut the painting around the edges with his boxcutter. He carefully pulled the portrait out of the frame before rolling it up and tucking it into his leather pants.

You’ll be safe down there. Besides, you should get used to this position!

Charlie then stuffs the boxcutter back into his boot before looking around for any more valuables worth felony charges. He walks past the usual garbage found in antique shops with no interest: some racist memorabilia from less tolerant times, binders of worthless trading cards, the whole nine yards. His interest isn’t piqued again until he spots a funny looking pop-up book laying on a shelf. The Nickleman picks the book up and blows a thick layer of dust off the cover so he can read it.

The Mood Shift…my kids might love this! It could be exactly what Tyler needs to get out of his recent funk!

Charlie flips through the pages of the pop-up book and is greeted with cartoonish depictions of a knight in green armor battling hordes of monstrous enemies. Every step of the way, however, the knight is trailed by an ominous red shadow. Charlie reads along to the words on the page and quickly starts nodding his head in approval of the book’s themes and messaging. As he progresses through the pages of the pop-up book, the enemies the knight encounters seem to be designed in increasingly horrific fashion. The beasts go from generic orcs to full-blown Golgothan demons, shit-encrusted and all.

Those turds Jesus dropped at Golgotha look pretty fierce, but this knight is carving through them like they’re nothing!

In the middle of the story the character’s appearance and surroundings suddenly invert. Now a Golgothan himself, the knight adorns bloody-shit brown armor. Charlie squints closely at the knight’s new fashion.

Wait…is that corn? Or a peanut?

As Charlie gets over the outfit change he notices that the knight is casting a green shadow onto desert sands. The creatures he fights, too, have completely changed. No longer slaying demons and orcs across the pages of the pop-up book, the knight is now striking down three-eyed space monsters and unnamed men in long robes. Charlie closes the book before finishing it.

I’ll read the rest of this later!

Charlie tucks ‘The Mood Shift’ inside his leather jacket with a shoplifter’s smile. He does another quick scan around the store, but doesn’t find anything of note so he decides to return to Loy and Goldi. Loy gives him a wave when he comes back. The man on the TV screen looks like he is still cutting a hard-hitting promo, even after all this time.

Oh, there you are! I was thinking you might have gotten lost, you were gone for a while!

Oh, there was a lot of glass shards stuck in my ass hairs. Took forever to get them out.

Oh…right. Our apologies…

The shop owner looks away sheepishly as Charlie works up the confidence to ask for the one thing he actually came to this antique store for.

You got any good mugs?

Loy points up to his own face while he chuckles.

What? Is this one right here not good enough for you? Ahhh ha!

Charlie rolls his eyes dismissively before looking over to his TV championship belt, which is still resting on a table facing the television.

This fucking guy, can you believe him?

Loy looks taken aback as Charlie turns back to face him.

Cut the shit. Do you have any shatter-proof mugs?

Loy scratches his head as he ponders the question.

Mugs? That are shatter-proof? I don’t think we have anything like that around here. Most people don’t get rid of something like that. People mostly bring trash in here: but that’s just the old saying proving itself true?

The old saying? You mean that antique shops are worthless?

No- I mean that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure! Just like this TV right here!

Charlie looks over to the last working TV set with relative disinterest. Loy sweats before suddenly adjusting the price.

I can drop the price to two thousand dollars!

Charlie raises an eyebrow at that. He isn’t really interested in a $2,000 antique TV set, but he really wants to get the stolen merchandise out of the store as quickly as possible.

That sounds like a deal to me!

Loy claps enthusiastically: this is the biggest sale he’s ever had. Charlie begins patting himself down outside of his clothes before suddenly stopping with a frown. Loy looks confused.

What’s wrong?

I think I left my wallet in my truck…

Oh, well you can go get it! You’re just parked outside, right? I’ll reserve this TV for you!

Loy walks behind the counter and grabs a paper placard sign that says ‘reserved’. He places the placard atop the TV set, which is still airing a classic monologue from 1979’s greatest super villain: The TV God.

Can do! Goldi, you wait here to make sure this guy doesn’t let someone come in here and outbid us!

Charlie chuckles to himself as he walks away from Loy, Goldi, and the antique television. The bell above the door chimes once more as Charlie exits the store. Charlie steps on every crack in the sidewalk, intentionally breaking his dead mother’s back, as he approaches the Indian Panhead. Charlie opens up the storage console as the lion in the sidecar looks at him with puppy dog eyes.

Oh, Raion…you know I can’t say no to your cute face! I don’t think it’s cute enough to put on a poster, especially not alongside mine…but it’s a pretty cute face, I guess.

Charlie reaches into the open console and pulls out a bag of dog treats. He opens the bag up and the lion on the leash begins salivating. Charlie grabs a handful of treats and chucks them violently at the lion. The lion looks slightly betrayed as Charlie cackles, but it starts eating the treats up anyways. Charlie places the dog treats back into the console behind the driver’s seat of the bike. Then he reaches into his fringe-laden leather jacket and grabs the pop-up book, sliding it into the console next to the treats.

And last, but certainly not least…

The Nickleman reaches into his pants and looks to be playing with himself. In reality, he’s playing with himself for a short moment before he pulls the rolled up painting out of his pants. Charlie looks at the rolled up painting, then down to the console with a confused look. The painting is a lot bigger than the console.

Well…shit. Maybe this will work!

Charlie starts folding the painting up into a little square. He licks his lips as he carefully makes every fold, trying his best not to damage the canvas as he does so. Once the painting is made small enough Charlie gingerly tucks into the console.

You’ll be safe in there, probably.

Charlie closes the console. That’s when he hears a horrified scream from inside Loy’s antique shop.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Charlie bolts back into the store like a bat out of hell as he remembers that his Goldi is in there. He doesn’t have time to open the door, instead, he barrels through it. When Charlie runs back into the store he’s hit with a major sense of deja vu.

GOLDI! NO!

The entire store has been torn asunder, with every shelf knocked over and all the merchandise on the floor…except for the last TV set, which is now playing a much shittier promo. Loy is standing against one of the walls looking like he’s about to have a heart attack. He looks over to Charlie and screams for help, but Charlie can’t even hear his words. Charlie’s sole focus is on the golden beams of light irradiating from every side of the TV. The XWF TV championship belt is suspended in mid-air, slowly levitating closer and closer to the last TV.

The man on the TV screen laughs mockingly from behind his leather mask.


Not this shit again! I won’t let you take her!

The masked man laughs with even more joy as the championship belt suddenly flies into his face on the TV screen. Instead of shattering, the TV screen just seems to absorb the belt entirely.

NU UH! NO FUCKING WAY! I’M NOT LETTING THIS BITCH END MY SECOND CHAMPIONSHIP REIGN, TOO!

The Nickleman darts out from the store and rushes back to his Indian Panhead as the masked man on the screen holds up the XWF championship belt. Charlie’s pet lion is now outside the sidecar, eating a few of the treats that landed on the ground after Charlie tossed them.

GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SIDECAR, RAION KIDO!

The Nickleman hits a running knee on the lion in the middle of his stride towards the motorbike. The force from the blow sends the lion flying back into its proper place before Charlie quickly straddles the Panhead and revs it to life.

It’s time to motherfuckin’ ride!

Charlie releases the brake and the bike roars forward. He rides past the busted down doors of the shop and into the golden madness ahead without a single second thought. Charlie presses the pedal to the medal as he drives in a straight line towards the television set. Loy cries out in horror as The Nickleman nears the TV. The motorbike hits the screen as mocking laughter fills Charlie’s ears.