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The Life & Times of Charlie Nickles
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Cage Coleman Offline
Active in XWF

XWF FanBase:

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)

Post: #1
05-06-2022 06:40 PM

Narrated By: Morgan Freeman

"Charlie Nickles was born Charles Nichols inside of a dumpster in Steubenville, Ohio. He would later adopt the 'Steubenville Screwdriver,' a move named after both his hometown, and the fact he'd never have been born if it wasn't for the multiple screwdrivers his father had to drink in order to sleep with his mother in the first place."

We see a woman (played by Rosie O'Donnell) squeeze out a hideously chubby baby, before grabbing hold of it and bringing him closer to get a look.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" she cries out in literally the EXACT same voice as Vader in Episode lll (because it's a dub from that very scene).

"And so began a string of shame and disappointment that would follow Charlie, and his family, into adulthood................."

The scene changes to a "young Charlie Nickles"(played by Cage Coleman in a fat suit) talking to his mom as she downs her fifth "Steubenville Screwdriver" of the morning.

"When I get older, I'm gonna be a professional wrestler!" Charlie declared, only to be slapped across his mouth.

"I am SO ashamed of you..............." His mother pours herself another drink but, this time, doesn’t bother to add OJ. "I have no son." She then finishes the entire glass of vodka is one gulp as young Charlie begins to cry.

"Despite having no moral support, Charlie Nickles ventured into the wild world of wrestling, where he experienced immediate success............"

The screen goes black.

"...................well, not exactly."

A montage plays of Cage Coleman as adult Charlie Nickles, wearing an even bigger fat suit, getting thrown around a variety of wrestling rings across the country. Each time, he comes into view from a different side of the screen, crashing hard against the canvas. It then shows a couple of quick cuts of referee's counting to 3 and lifting the hands of various wrestlers, all the while Coleman's Charlie lays on the mat in defeat.

"The Nickleman failed time and time again, with his in-ring failures eventually translating into his homelife..........."

The camera cuts to "Charlie" outside of his home, chasing after his wife (played by Elizabeth Olsen) as she takes their kids to her car.

"Honey, wait!" the NiCOLEMAN exclaims.

She loads the kids up and buckles 'em in before turning to face her husband. "Charlie, I've been waiting for half my life; our kids have been waiting for ALL of theirs'........." Tears begin to fill her eyes as she speaks, which are equally matched by their man standing across from her. "When does the waiting end, when we're dead?!"

The kids also begin to cry, with one of them hollering "I want daddy!"

The mother looks from her child to Charlie, with visible disgust. "I want daddy, too!" She heads over to the other side of the car, where she opens the driver's door and climbs in. "But daddy would rather play with men in their underwear than his own children!!!"

She starts the car as Charlie dips his head in the open front passenger window. "I can change, I just need to get my big break first!"

Mrs. Nickles looks like she's about to puke. "I let you inside of me............. TWICE, and this is how you repay me?!?" She tsks while putting the car into reverse, leaving his foot on the break momentarily. "My friends were right, I should've married Cage Coleman instead!!!"

All of a sudden, she throws it in reverse with Charlie still in the car. His wife backs out of the driveway and makes it about a quarter of a mile down the road before his fat ass eventually falls out. He sits there for a moment and watches his entire life disappear into the sunset, before acknowledging the fact she may have been right.

"He DOES have a bigger dick............."

"It was in that moment, Charlie Nickles became a changed man.................. in the ring!"

Another montage plays, this time of Coleman's Nickles (in his fattest suit yet) beating up a barrage of opponents, all of whom are blatantly weak, even by Charlie's standards. First, he Devil Hook Drops a midget onto a steel chair, before putting a little old lady through a fucking table. After that, he bashes two little kids in luchadore masks' heads together (ironically enough, the same actors playing his kids) and hits a Steubenville Screwdriver on a blind man. Finally, he wins a Battle Royal against a pile of dead bodies before grabbing a mic and declaring himself "The best!" to a crowd that would've rather met the requirements to participate in Charlie's match than actually WATCH it.

"Eventually, Charlie Nickles caught the eye of some VERY important people.............."

"Radical job on the independent scene, dude!" a high as fuck Vinnie Lane (played by Chris Jericho............ Page?) congratulates. "And even though the level of competition has been worse than my New York Giants, YOUR level of violence has been on par with the '09 Saints!!!"

"What Vinnie's trying to say is, we think you'll fit right in," Theo Pryce (played by Robert Pattinson) says while sliding a contract in Charlie's direction. "Buuuuuuuuuuut," he continues, the tone in his voice becoming a little more seductive. "If you want to play with the big boys, you'll have to PLAY with the big boys................"

Nickles looks from Pryce to Lane, who takes a hit of his vape before leaning forward and looking over his shades. "What do you say, Charlie? Think you can play with the big boys?"

Charlie (who, for some crazy reason, has been momentarily replaced by Andy Dick) drops to his knees as we hear two different zippers unzip. Fortunately, before we can see anything, the screen goes black.

"And that's how Charlie Nickles earned a shot against Sarah Lacklan for the company's biggest prize, on the biggest say, at their biggest show."

Actual footage of the match plays, with Cage Coleman's voice dubbed over it like he was BOTH Pip Collins and Heather Halliwell.

"Sarah Lacklan is making Charlie Nickles look like a total bitch here tonight!!!"

"Absolutely! Everybody KNEW he didn't stand a chance against the Universal Champion, yet he got booked against her anyway!"

"You gotta wonder whose dick he sucked to get here, Heather."

"Gotta wonder, indeed, Pip."

Sarah Lacklan eventually climbs a ladder and takes possession of the Championship before sitting at the top, victoriously. We get a close-up of a dazed Charlie, looking like a fool as he lays there, motionless, on the floor.

"Charlie Nickles had fallen back down the ladder, so to speak, reaching new lows that would eventually lead to him teaming up with one of the worst wrestlers in XWF history in a desperate attempt to, somehow, save face..............."

Back to Cage Coleman as Charlie Nickles, talking to Jim Jimson (played by Bruce Willis) in the lockeroom.

"You fuckin' suck!" Jim berates a crying Charlie. "You're family hates you, the fans want you to die, and even I'm embarrassed to be sharing the same lockeroom as you!"

"Pleeeeeease, Jim!" Nickles begs, getting down on his knees like he did with Vinnie and Theo. "I need you!"

Jimson sighs. "Fine, but I'M the leader, got it?!"

"Absolutely," Charlie agreed with his tail between his legs. "Whatever it takes to keep me relevant!"

"And, just like that, Charlie Nickles was riding the coattail of a man with less wins than himself.............."

A compilation of Charlie's matches with Jimson begins to play, with Jim looking a million times better than his partner in every one. Eventually, it shows Cage's Nickles across from WCW's Nick Patrick playing Thunder Knuckles, in a reproduction of their "classic" showdown.

"After being carried to moderate success, Charlie Nickles FINALLY did something for himself and won the Television Title from a man who once sold away his right to a shot at that very belt."

Upon beating TK, Charlie celebrates with the future Goldy, the fat rolls of Coleman's suit jiggling like waves in the ocean as he jumps up and down.

"For the first time in his life, Charlie Nickles wasn't a COMPLETE failure. He had beaten a man whose training extended as far as copying the moves he'd seen on TV, quite the accomplishment for a man of Charlie's nature."

Once again, actual clips from the real Charlie Nickles' reign begin to play. We see him teaming up with Jim Jimson (NOT Bruce Willis), as well as defending his Title against top tier competition the likes of Barney Green and Azrael Erebus without his powers.

"Charlie proved how dedicated of a Champion he was by teaming up with his D.D.S. teammate, rather than defend the belt. Eventually, Charlie realized he had surpassed Jimson and moved on to defend his Title, like he should've been doing in the first place."

"Nevertheless, Charlie began doing his duty as Champion and put his Title. He beat up a girl, a man with one eye, and someone SO psychotic, they actually believed they were an alien. Charlie would go on to have his own delusions in the form of the persona 'Demos,' but we're not gonna tall about that."

We go back to fake footage of Cage Coleman, once again, playing Charlie Nickles, getting his ass kicked to the film version of Marf (played by Charlie Hunham).

"But even the best of us fall, and considering Charlie was nowhere near being the best of ANYTHING, it was only inevitable that he would slip eventually."

Marf finishes Charlie off and claims the TV Title for himself. Cage Coleman oversells the former Champion's defeat, with his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth while he convulses uncontrollably.

"It was one of the darkest moments of Charlie's life; worse than losing his wife, his children, even his manhood everytime he steps into the ring. Not only had he lost his Championship, he'd also lost his mind, too. Under the guise of Demos, a made up entity in order to shoulder the blame on someone else, Charlie would steal North Korean War Criminal's gimmick, forcing him to eventually return in order to show him how it's done."

"But, thankfully, Charlie received some life changing advice from one of the most unlikely places: the man who beat him for his Television Title."

We're treated to another recreation, this time of "Charlie" and "Marf" sitting in the lockeroom, smoking a joint together.

"You've really gotta knock this Demos shit off, man," Marf says while passing the doobie to Charlie. "It's making you look less credible than you already are!"

Nickles takes a long drag. "I'm an adapter, Marf," he explains. "When I wasn't good enough to make a name for myself, I latched onto someone worse than me so that I would look BETTER. It's like when a pretty girl hangs out with an ugly one, the only reason she keeps the pig around is so that she looks like a swan."

"That's not very nice to say about Jim."

"Jim? I was talking about YOU!"

"Yeah, well, at least I know who I am. You can call yourself Demos all you want but, at the end of the day, you're just plain old Charlie. Terrible husband, worse father."

"Wow," Coleman's Nickles responds as if having an epiphany. "You're absolutely right!"

"Of course I am!" Marf agrees, taking the weed back and puffin' on it like a straight up G. "I AM the man who beat you, afterall!"

"That you are!"

"With his life back on track, at least as much as someone like him could get it, Charlie Nickles would go on to Captain a War Games team. And even though his team fell short, the feeling of 2nd place was a familiar one that brought a little bit of normalcy into the former Demos' life. But, things couldn't be normal forever, and Charlie's life was about to change, again, after competing in a Tournament to determine the #1 Contender to Betsy Granger's TV Title."

We get quick snippets of Charlie's matches from the first two Rounds as portrayed by Cage Coleman against both Scarlett Johansson's Osira Themis, and Tom Cruise's Schism. After defeating each opponent in that match's own unique stipulation, Charlie moves on to face the man playing him in this very biopic: Cage Coleman (played by Terry Crews wearing a blonde wig)!

The highlights of the match paint Cage Coleman (the Terry Crews one) absolutely dominating Charlie. After what appears to be a squash, Nickles catches Coleman with a Spinning Piledriver, pinning him for the 3.

"Despite facing someone a million times better than him, Charlie Nickles was able to steal Cage Coleman's Finisher and use it against him to win, not only the match, but the entire Tournament!"

The scene changes to a shot of Cage's Charlie standing over a downed Betsy Granger (played by Amy Adams), the TV Title hoisted high above his head.

"Charlie went on to defeat Betsy, picking up right where his last reign left off. He would, once again, utilize the same strategy as before, handpicking bottom of the barrel talent in order to pad his reign. And while this may have fooled the majority of XWF, there was a pair of men.......... nay, bastards who could see right through Charlie's ruse."

Nick Patrick's Thunder Knuckles is shown talking to Bobby Bourbon (played by Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) backstage, both of them being a bit covert about it.

"'s like when a pretty girl keeps an ugly girl around in order to make her look even better!" TK explains, though Bourbon doesn't seem convinced.

"I'm not convinced," he says with his arms crossed. "We're already the best Tag Team in the history of the universe, why the hell should we let him in on it?!"

Knucks leans in, making sure there's no sign of Nickles within earshot. "Because, at the very least, we can let him take all the beatings......... he's good at THAT."

"That's about the ONLY thing he's good at," Bobby bellowed. "That, and dodging a real challenge!"

Coleman's Nickles waddled into frame, causing the Bastards to hush each other. "You wanted to see me?"

"We wanted to let you know that you're in!" TK pulls out a No Good Bastards t-shirt and tosses it to Charlie. "Welcome to The Bastards!"

Nickles begins to freak out, jumping up and down while putting the shirt on. The three of them then turn around, arms behind one another's backs as they head down the hallway. As Charlie walks away, we see a 'KICK ME!' sign attached to the shirt TK gave him.

"Things were finally starting to look up for ole Charlie Nickles. He had friends (or at least the illusion of 'em), a Championship he loved, and his spot wasn't in jeopardy at all."

Blank screen.

"Until Cage Coleman entered the fray!"

The movie's penultimate scene plays in slow motion, with the end part of the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence playing over the action. Like their first match-up (at least the way it was portrayed in this film), Terry Crews' Cage Coleman absolutely annihilates Coleman's Charlie Nickles, hitting every single move in The Traveler's arsenal along the way.

Right before the song hits the hard part, Cage lifts Nickles up onto his shoulders and slams him to the mat with an Around the World at the exact moment the guitar comes in. The move not only drives Charie into the mat, but puts him THROUGH it! Coleman grabs hold of his opponent's leg and leans back as the ref looks into the crater in the canvas and slowly counts to three. Once his hand hits for the third and final time, Cage Coleman pops out of the hole and takes the TV Title from the referee with conviction. He celebrates in the ring as a disgraced Charlie Nickles rolls to the outside and heads up the aisle, covering his face in shame.

"Charlie Nickles never recovered from that loss. Seeing his precious Goldy in the arms of another man drove the former Champion mad. He would once again revert to his Demos persona, causing Bobby and TK to drop him faster than Cage Coleman did. His wife would wind up marrying the new TV Champion, and their kids began calling him 'daddy.' Charlie never did win another Championship, nor did he ever find love or happiness. He ended up dying alone in a nursing home, shit in his drawers and emptiness in his eyes."

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Charlie Nickles (05-06-2022), Dolly Waters (05-06-2022), NorthKoreanWarCriminal (05-06-2022), Raion Kido (05-08-2022), Theo Pryce (06-01-2022), Thunder Knuckles™ (05-06-2022), Unknown Soldier (05-06-2022)
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