THIS ISN'T A GAME!

TK is at his Lima Ohio run-down trailer that still has plastic hanging up for a front door. He's sitting on the couch watching TV without a care in the world. Jimmy pulls back the plastic and walks in.

Hey, Thunder Knuckles are you ready for Warfare?

Don't you knock mother fucker?

Jimmy looks back at the plastic hanging for a door.

On what?

The side of the goddamn trailer, Dick Head, or, I don't know, the damn window. Do I just walk into your fucking house without knocking?

Jimmy looks puzzled.

Um, yeah. My wife doesn't like it either.

Fuck your wife and no I'm not ready for Warfare. Hence why I haven't answered my goddamn phone because I really don't feel like doing shit.

Aren't you worried about facing Ned Kaye?

TK stares at Jimmy blankly.

What the fuck did I just say?

You said-

I know what the fuck I just said. It was ]

[color=#00BFFF]Rhetorical.

TK isn't in the mood to be corrected, let alone by Jimmy.

[b]Jimmy, I swear to fucking God, right now. I'm not in the mood.

Is this about March Madness?

What?

Are you not worried, or do you think you ran out of juice?

The fuck are you trying to say, Jimmy?

Jimmy looks down.

Nothing.

You better look down you little bitch.

Jimmy looks back up at TK.

What's your big plan for Ned? Everyone, me included, expects you to have a plan for when you face off against the Xtreme Champion.

TK smirks.

I'm going to sit back, smoke some cigars, and watch some fucking quality entertainment that only comes on Bastard Net. Are you fucking kidding Jimmy? It's Ned.

TK turns his attention back to the television screen.

Thunder Knuckles! No! The Xtreme Championship is on the line, it's the second most sought-after title in the company! You have to record your promotional material! Come on, you know how important that Championship is!

TK looks awfully irritated that Jimmy keeps interrupting his favorite soap opera "Bastard Days of our Lives".

I'm serious!

TK takes his attention away from the exciting funeral scene where Big P knocks over the casket.

FINE, Jesus Christ. Can't a Bastard enjoy himself, for fucks sake! Honestly though, if it's the second most sought-after Championship in the company how the fuck does Ned have it?

He beat Marf for it.

TK looks absolutely perturbed at this point.

So, you're trying to convince me that Marf and Ned Kaye have held the Xtreme Championship, and it is the second-best Championship in the company.

TK makes a very dismissive facial expression at Jimmy.

Get off it, Jimmy. Why didn't you have me wait until someone better held it?

Why? This is like a lay-up for you.

Exactly.

Well, let's face it when someone worth a shit has it they keep you far away from the opportunity.

Everyone knows that's just because Robert Main was just a bitch. Plus, I didn't want it back then.

Didn't want it back then, huh? Sounds like someone wants it now.

TK realizes that Jimmy just figured out that he does, in fact, want to hold the Xtreme Championship.

Yeah, well, think of how much XBUX I can make with that fucking briefcase.

Jimmy facepalms because things always seem to come back to XBUX.

What? You knew goddamn well going into this I came here to make fucking money.

Haven't you made enough? You're a millionaire!

TK's anger is at a fever pitch now because he feels like his integrity is being challenged.

So? I want more and the goddamn Xtreme Championship is my way to make more.

Well...

TK's temper can't be controlled anymore.

WELL, FUCKING WHAT?

Shouldn't you be getting ready for Ned then?

TK rolls his eyes and looks back at the TV screen.

Actually, I was about to.

By watching TV? Come on, this isn't a game.

No, asshat, not by watching TV. I got Barney's new video game.

Since when does Barney have a video game?

TK looks back at Jimmy.

It just came out.

What's it on? PS5?

Sega Genesis.

Jimmy rubs the side of his head with both hands in frustration.

In 2022 Barney made a game on the Sega Genesis?

That's what I just said. Something about retro gaming is making a comeback or something.

TK gets up and walks over to his shelf with his Criterion Collection on it. On the top of the shelf, TK has Barney's new game.

Barney said it would help. He is the king of Xtreme and shit. So I have to believe him.

Help with what?

TK looks over at Jimmy.

My match, obviously, you alright? You sure look pissed.

How is a video game going to make you better at wrestling? I just got done saying this isn't a game!

Fuck if I know. The whole game is about being Xtreme, or some shit. Here I'll show you.

TK walks over to the TV where he just so happens to have a Sega Genisis hooked up. He plugs the cartridge into the console and walks over to the couch with the controller in hand. TK looks back at the TV before sitting down and realizes the cartridge didn't load.

Oh, get fucked! It's a new fucking game there can't be any goddamn dust on it.

TK walks back over to the console takes the game out, blows into it, and plugs it back in. Still, with the controller in his hand, he turns on the console once again. This time however he doesn't get to walk to the couch because lighting starts coming from the television screen. The last thing Jimmy hears is TK yelling out.

HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUUUU-

The lighting stops and TK has disappeared.

What's going on?!

The television screen lights up and the Sega logo appears. Jimmy is baffled and freaked out because TK is gone but he continues to watch the screen.





A New York City backdrop creeps onto the screen with familiar music playing. A text begins to scroll in bold red letters with a black outline that reads: New York City was a happy, peaceful place... Until one day, a powerful criminal organization called BOB took over. This vicious syndicate quickly gained control of the local government including the police force. The city was thrust into violence and crime... Where no one is safe...

Amid this turmoil, a group of overly trained and determined young police officers has sworn to clean up the city. However, BOB has sent in two of their most Xtreme members to stop the young officers. Those overly trained officers are willing to risk everything... even their lives against BOB... On the mean...

STREETS OF XTREME!

A blueish flash lights up the screen to reveal the tit STREETS OF XTREME title with TK and Barney Green appearing on the New York City backdrop. The white "Press Start" indicator fades in and out on your screen it's accompanied by the Bastard Games 2022 copyright and the Streets of Xtreme copyright on the bottom of the screen. Jimmy is completely caught off guard.

Thunder Knuckles said this was Barney's game, not their game.

Jimmy walks over cautiously to the console where the controller is. He picks it up and presses start. The television lights up to a sixteen-bit Barney sitting in an empty room, it looks like the inside of a crack house. A sixteen-bit TK sprite flickers into the game standing next to the Barney sprite.

What the fuck is going on? Where the fuck am I?

Oh, you made it.

What the Hell did you do, Barney?

Oh, come on, everyone knows you wouldn't take this match seriously going up against Ned Kaye, and all. So, I figured the only way to teach you how to become more Xtreme was... Well...

Trap me in a fucking video game!

Exactly! Everyone seems to think I lost a fortune on T-girls via the internet. Nah, I spent that money on making this Xtreme simulator. Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, it is pretty cool, I guess. What's the point of the game?

I made it right up your alley, TK! A bunch of cops, ladyboys with whips, and epic bosses are going to try and stop us, BOB, from running New York City.

I could do without the ladyboys, but alright. What's that have to do with being Xtreme?

It's my game and I wanted ladyboys. That's not the point and we're getting off track. This will be Xtreme because unlike just a regular wrestling match these guys are going to try and kill you.

WHAT!

Yeah, by the way, if you notice in the top left of your screen.

Sprite TK looks above his head.

That's your health. If that bar is depleted. You die.

This is fucking crazy, man. I'll just go to the gym or some shit for a change. Let me the fuck out of here.

That's not how it works.

Well, how the fuck does it work then?

Jimmy, who's watching this happen on the television screen is mortified. TK doesn't play video games because he thinks it's a waste of time for nerds who don't know how to make money.

You complete all the stages and you can go back to the real world.

Did you put any thought into this Barney? What happens if I don't make it through all the stages before the match?

The sixteen-bit sprite Barney shrugs.

I guess you're just going to have to beat the game, huh?

Goddamn it!

Anyway, see the three by your life bar?

Sprite TK looks above his head again.

Yeah...

That's how many chances you get to complete the whole game.

Sprite TK's face turns red.

THREE FUCKING TRIES!?

Yep. You're here to become Xtreme not be a bitch with continues. That's why I made this game on the Sega Genesis and not the modern consoles. The kids today after they mess up so many times the games AI becomes easier because everyone has to get a medal.

FUCK!

Fuck, indeed. That doesn't mean you can't have more than three you need to get your top score up and you get extra lives.

Where the Hell can I see that?

Oh, you can't... Not because it's impossible but because I just didn't feel like coding it, maybe later. Just kick all the ass make sure to bust barrels and everything else in your way.

bust barrels?

Yeah, creates, tables, anything really. Just destroy stuff like Vinnie Lane owns it, pretty much. A sound effect will happen if you get an extra life, plus, you can always look up and see how many lives you have.

Sprite TK shrugs like Shawn Warstein would if he was a sixteen-bit sprite.

Fair enough. Anything else?

Of course! I'll be back to talk to you between rounds and let you know your score.

Why?

Because it's a video game TK! What? Did you think this was going to be a walking simulator or some clickbait story?

The two sixteen-bit sprites turn toward the front of the screen. TK's sprite has a smile on his face and Barney's sprite winks. The two sprites turn back to face each other.

Alright, Round One is about to begin are you ready?

As I'll ever fucking be, I guess.

Oh, yeah, don't die or we'll have to do this all over again.

WHAT?!

The screen fades to black and the word round slides in from the left side of your screen while the word one slides in from the right. once in the middle of the screen the words are underlined before going back to their respective sides. Some dope sixteen-bit music starts to play and it looks like the sixteen-bit sprite TK is digging it. A text bubble pops up on the screen from the TK sprite.

Alright, fuckers. LET'S GO!

To be continued...

🖕 PREACH 🖕

TK is hanging out in BOB headquarters by himself, looking relaxed, yet motivated.

What the fuck can you say about a man who was so goddamn mentally fucking broken that he had to become someone else. Someone, mind you, who had to be everyone else he went up against. Talk about being weak goddamn-minded. What happened to that second-tier BOB that Ned created. What was it called?

TK pauses trying to recall their name but only can only remember what he called them.

Landfill? That's right. Where is Super Trooper Copper?

This line signals Todd to display a graphic on your television screen.





Did the fucker die and we didn't know? That old fuck was dying last time I heard. Oh well, who gives a fuck, right?

TK chuckles to himself because he knows what he's about to say next.

We all know Eobard bent over and fucked his chances of ever making it anywhere, literally.

Todd takes his cue and puts another graphic on your screen.





Then we got Thais Watts's big ass.

TK scratches his nose as Todd puts yet another graphic for your viewing delight on the screen.





Where has that Lurch-looking shit sandwich been? He hasn't been seen any-goddamn-where since Ozzy was carrying the fucker to a win. Big ups to Ozzy for making that worthless sack of shit look good. More proof that members of BOB can take lackluster talent and makes them better. Anyway, do those guys even have goddamn jobs anymore?

TK gives his patented jerking-off hand gesture. When the signature maneuver is completed TK becomes overly excited as he exclaims.

Ned is a good guy again, ladies and gentlemen!

TK's obviously sarcastic excitement is removed by the rolling of his eyes.

Because he told us he is. Fucker flop flops on issues faster than Thad changes women these days. Ned told us he was "a good guy" all the way up to that fateful Warfare on April 7th, 2021.

TK's million-dollar smile can be seen right before Todd places the final graphic on your television.





I'd say he showed his true colors but the truth is Ned doesn't even know who he is. He's got as much control over his mind as he does that Xtreme Title... No fucking control at all. This fucking dude isn't ready for the shit 'Ol Thunder Knuckles is fixing to do to ass. Hell, I like Jason Cashe and I took his ass into a bloody brawl that he hasn't and won't ever forget. That's a fucking brother. Imagine what I do to a guy who's been so anti-BOB that he tried to be us.

TK takes his hands, with his pointer fingers extended, and rolls them over top each other backward, to signify rewinding.

Let's rewind the tape back to Warfare's Christmas Chaos on December 23rd, 2020.

TK nods his head as if to say "Oh, you think I forgot?"

We've both been here before. Ned Kaye holding championship gold. 'Ol Thunder Knuckles coming in as the challenger. He'd be a goddamn liar if he said he got a one hundred percent in it to win it mentality, from yours truly. Fact is, Warfare, as a brand, is dog shit. Need proof? Fine, I'll do a quick history lesson for the lazy Kris Cruzes's of the world.

TK smirks knowing that Cruze will be forced to actually work soon.

Back then Smoking Bob's walrus fucking ass ran Warfare. That shit didn't get any better until the village idiot Derreck Diamond came along and ultimately fucked it up by handing it to Chris Page.

TK gives the finger to Chris Page keeping a serious expression on his face.

Yeah, mother fucker, we still got some shit to sort out, but that's neither here, nor fucking there. The fucking point is, Warfare is a goddamn shit show. However, this is where Ned wants to fight. That's fine, I'll let the mother fucker die on whatever fucking field he wants. Ned's ass, better be puckering up because he's about to find out what it was like to live in Bucha Ukraine under constant bombardment from the Russians. If you think for one second that the war crimes committed there were bad just fucking watch that shit show that happens on April 20th, and just like Putin. I'm going to get away with it but not until the body of Ned Kaye is left lying in the road with his hands tied behind his back.

TK's face turns from serious to playful.

Ned, you're here to fail the test, playing chess, all while I'm on Monopoly. I'm busy dropping hotels on Boardwalk, while you bore people with your pathetic attempts at trash talk. I'm the one XWF fans came to see, like when I beat your hero, the zero, I'm here to fix the true Apex Prophecy. You're stepping in the ring but you need to step back, you're fucking with an animal about to attack.

TK spins and once facing the camera again gives the universal "stick it" gesture with both arms.

Your reign isn't going very far, your fans will find it bizarre because Marf's track record wasn't up to par, but this time you're sharing the ring with a fucking Megastar. Ned Kaye fans sit back and take witness, I'm going to beat him shitless. Watch him beg for forgiveness as he struggles with mental illness. At the end of the day, I'm not coming to fucking play, Ned's reign has already hit its state of De-Kaye. I'm going to take the Xtreme Title like the twenty-gauge shotgun shell that took Kurt Cobain.

TK cocks an imaginary shotgun and acts like he unloads it into himself.

Ned said it once before, 'Ol Thunder Knuckles is a what you see is what you get kind of guy. What are you seeing these days Ned? It's been over a year after all. You once offered me TWO THOUSAND XBUX to stop a pin against Robert Main. Where were you when he needed you to bust out that "fat" bank account again to save him? The answer is nowhere to be fucking found.

TK flicks his wrist, dismissing Ned Kaye.

Before you go off talking about how you're such a good dude, or how the fans should have your back after you turned on them faster than a Jim Ceadus Universal Championship reign. Think about this, will ya. What you see is what you get. The fans know that they can love me or fucking hate me. I'll be the same today, tomorrow, and forever. I'm a nasty, vile, No Good Bastard, and when we cross paths on April 20th you're going to find out that you should have been working on yourself instead of being in my mother fucking way. You hold a chance and have held the golden ticket. You just have to know how to use it and you've proven that you don't know how to wield that kind of power. I should be facing a former Universal Champion right now but I'm not. I won't make your mistakes and cement my goddamn legacy amongst the greatest this business has to offer. The Bobby Bourbons, the Doc D'Ville's, Hell, even that cheap piss-soaked blanket of a man that doesn't pay his employees, Vinnie Lane.

TK gives one solid head nod.

XWF fans around the world it's time once again, to bow your heads, and say your fucking prayers.

TK bows his head closes his eyes and leads all the Bastards in prayer.

Open my eyes to see the Bastardly ways because I’m like Cain. The conflicts that I've endured. The anger is bubbling into an Xtreme rage. Thank you for the clarity to see how hatred destroys everything in front of us. I choose to stay the course and nothing can penetrate it. Help me to decimate those on my path by way of Thunder Strike. Your way is the only way. I pray in the Bastards' Name.

The camera zooms in to focus on TK's bowed face. TK lifts his head and gives the camera the "Kubrick Stare" with gritted teeth he says,

A-fucking-men.

The video feed gently fades to black from a very focused Thunder Knuckles.