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Kris Cruze · (04-07-2022)

The wind blows softly this evening..

As the sun sets, the air begins to crisp, turning slightly colder with each passing hour. The streets begin to calm as the lights begin to shine brightly through the dimly lit small country town.

The camera begins to focus on a small brick building..

A reddish orange glow emits from the brick as the dim street lights encompass the plaza in which it’s attached. Cars move fluidly through the parking lot without a care in the world.

As the camera pans around from the side of the plaza to the front, large bay windows can be seen in the distance. Inside people can be seen moving slowly through the building, seemingly in sequence like ants in a mound.

As the camera zooms in through the large bay windows a different picture is painted. Depression, laziness, and apathy promote the realism of the American dream and solidifies the feelings of dread that seep from the walls within.

Once inside many voices can be heard chattering, but suddenly a voice becomes audibly louder than the rest..

“LINE 1!!”

A tiny innocent voice exclaims in a way that is not only pretentious, but also masking insecurities..

SIGH

A familiar voice exclaims in a huff as he makes his way from the back of the building to the front.

Thank you for calling Little Caesars Fairmont, this is Kris. How would you like to further piss me off tonight?

He asks in his typical “I’m God’s Gift get fucked pussy” voice.

Luckily, on the other end of the phone, nothing but static adorns the line.

Kris sighs once again and slams the phone down.

One of you motherfuckers can answer it next time, I’m not doing this bullshit tonight.

As Kris storms away and out the back of the door of the establishment. Leaving all of his co-workers and managers to man the store in his momentary absence.

Kris sits down on the sidewalk outside of his place of employment and begins to contemplate life.

“How. The. Fuck…

How the fuck did I even get here. Like seriously, how did I go from beating the brakes off Gabe Reno to literally working at a Little Caesars in the middle of fucking nowhere West Virginia?!

YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU AND YOU FELL OUT WORSE THAN 2007 BRITNEY SPEARS, FELLA..

Listen fuckboy, when I want your uneducated input I’ll take The Messiah aka my cock out of your mouth so you can give it.”

POOF

Kris reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small pill caddy. Inside, two brightly colored yet differently shaped and sized pills. Kris removes the pills and takes them one by one. This seems to be muscle memory, as if he takes them without knowing why, but something tells him he should..

Swallowing them without a drop of water.

Because let’s be honest, swallowing things whole is his specialty.

Giggity.

Kris puts the pill caddy back in his pocket and stands to his feet. Kris whips the door open and steps back inside the building and walks to the front.

That same pretentious voice belts out sarcastically..

Feel better, princess?

I swear to God, Ethan, I’m not in the fucking mood..

Oh calm down, I’m just fucking around Jesus..

Ethan says with a slight smirk.

Listen dickshit, I’m just pissy about having to be here. Don’t take it personal.

Ethan smirks again before uttering some more bullshit that GG could care less about.

I don’t care what you do, honestly. I have to finish this roleplay before the deadline. So I’m just gonna ignore my job and let everything go to hell so I can finish.

It’s true, he is going to sit back and write while the whole world goes to shit around him, like he hasn’t a care in the world. To be honest, we should all be envious, because this man’s ability to ignore his problems and somehow not get fired, is actually inspiring.

Dude, why the fuck do you guys do that dumb shit? FXW is literally gay as aids, man. It’s a bunch of basement dwelling, little dicked, cockbags who think that anyone actually values their “writing talent”. And I use the term talent loosely. Literally the only thing more embarrassing than being a part of that online shit is working here. Trust me, I know, I was actually a wrestler at one point. Like, a real one, not a keyboard warrior who doesn’t bathe, and smells like the inside of Oscar The Grouches taint. Anyways, what the hell are you writing about this time? Also, what is your characters name again?”

Ethan looks up with a grin from ear to ear. I imagine it’s because he thinks that someone is finally interested in anything he has to say beyond “Go home” Lord knows that’s all Kris Cruze wants to hear him say..

His name is Mevan Edwin Hughes.

Kris stares at Ethan with a look of “Motherfucker, what…?” before laughing aloud and pointing furiously!

MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING BASIC THAT EVEN YOUR CHARACTERS INITIALS SPELL OUT “MEH”!

HOW. DO. YOU. DRESS. YOURSELF.

MEH…

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU ARE DUMBER THAN A BAG OF BRICKS.

Ethan’s face shapes itself to form some sort of angry gnome headass formation before firing back..

YOU REALIZE I AM YOUR BOSS, RIGHT? I’M GETTING TIRED OF YOU DISRESPECTING ME ALL THE TIME, KRIS!

Kris smiles that sexy ass motherfuckin’ “I will fuck you 100% to death” smile.

YOU REALIZE I AM GETTING TIRED OF YOU BEING FUCKING

, BUT YOU DON’T SEEM TO BE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, NOW DO YOU,

]

The two exchange back and forth for a moment before a voice interjects from the back of the store. It’s Drew, second in command of the Goon Platoon here at the Caesar.

Hey, so what’s going on up there? I’m just sitting back here at the desk, um, you know, working..

Before

#2 can finish, Kris interrupts.

[pink]JUST GO SHIT FOR ANOTHER HOUR AND AVOID YOUR JOB, DREW. WE’RE FINE.”

I’m going to be honest, at this point, I’m not sure if he actually went to take another hour long shit, or if he took his ball and went home because his feelings were hurt. Either way, that may be the last we ever see of

#2

You are walking a thin line, bub. I think it’s time I call Dad and let him know what is going on here.

Dad - Aka Chris, the actual manager, and truly the only competent one in the whole goddamn place.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, ETHAN?! ARE YOU GOING TO ACTUALLY TATTLE ON ME FOR THIS? YOU’RE TRYING TO GET ME FIRED, AREN’T YOU?!

Little does anyone know, but Kris was about to turn in his two weeks notice anyways. Lucky for everyone, especially Kris, he had been awarded a second opportunity at greatness in an actual wrestling company known as the XWF. He is actually scheduled to have his first match back at the next Savage.

YOU’VE BEEN DISRESPECTFUL TO ME FOR THE LAST TIME, BUB! I’M CALLING CHRIS!

Kris takes a step back and looks Ethan up and down as Ethan puts his phone to his ear.

Chris! I need to talk to-

OH. HELL. NAW.

Suddenly Kris literally superkicks Ethan straight in the goddamn mouth hole, with such a force that Ethan immediately farts, and falls to the ground, dropping his phone. Chris can be heard from the speaker attempting to reach Ethan, but with little to no patience for stupidity, Chris abruptly hangs up the phone. Suddenly, another manager, Rob, comes from around the front of the counter as he had witnessed the carnage!

BADERP DEEP DER SKADOOOOOOO

And with those inspiring words, Rob quickly shuffles his Walmart shoe wearing ass to the back of the building and out the same door that Kris had exited earlier. Still laying on the ground, potentially in a pool of his own shit, is Ethan. Kris towers over him, laughing, as the rest of the employees minus Rob, also minus Drew because, we’re still not sure where that dude went, watches in horror.

Look motherfucker, I didn’t want it to end this way. I wanted to just put in my notice and call it quits in a couple weeks. But no, you just had to be a little fuck, and try and tell Chris I hurt your feelings. Well guess what, motherfucker, remember that dream you had of becoming a pro wrestler? Well it’s about to be a wet dream..

Kris unzips his pants and pulls out his pool noodle. Kneeling down, Kris gently lays the pool noodle aka The Messiah aka the longest dick, across the face, specifically the lips of ole Ethan. Suddenly, Kris begins to count..

1..

2..

3..!!

Get fucked, pussy.

That’s right folks, Kris pinned him with his dick. The other employees are still looking on in horror as Kris reels the pool noodle back in, and zips up his pants before slowly walking in the most swagtastic way possible through the gathering of employees and out the back door.

What a way to quit a job..

Kris climbs into his car, and mounts his phone to the holder on his dash. Kris pulls up the XWF Remote Recording App, an app which allows him to continue recording from what the camera witnessed earlier, only, well, remotely..

SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS, I’M BACK.

Did you miss me? Of-fucking-course you did. How’d you like that fairy tale ending to my long awaiting succession from Little Caesars? Classy, arousing, and overall entertaining. So really, just another classic Kris Cruze moment. Because let’s face it, I am the most entertaining motherfucker to ever grace your television.

So like, I feel I need to be honest with you all..

I have no fucking clue who these two clowns are I am facing at Savage. Like, I want to sit here and tell you I’ve done my research and that I studied the tape like I did when I beat Gabe Reno, you know, former Universal Champion? Oh yeah, let’s not forget I fucked that boy so good he just imploded. Ain’t no weak dick game here, yo.

But, I digress.

HEY THAT’S MY LINE..

I thought I told you to shut the fuck up, and get the fuck out?

Kris reaches in his pocket again, removing the pill caddy and downing two more pills..

Anyways, yeah, shit ass competition in the XWF it seems. I mean, I am literally God’s Gift to the XWF and they put me in the fucking ring, IN THE FIRST FUCKING MATCH, MIND YOU, with two nobodies. As I said earlier, I literally beat a former Universal Champion in my debut in the XWF the first time around. Isn’t that enough to garner a better fucking re-debut?!

Naw, apparently not. But, it’s whatever. I’m not gonna dwell on the past. I’m going to take it all in stride and ass fuck every motherfucker that gets in my way until I am literally the only one left standing.

And unfortunately for you, Huge Gay Horace, you’re first.

I honestly have no idea what your fucking name is, but that name seems pretty goddamn fitting. You look like a big toe on steroids.

Wait..

HGH..

Steroids..

Should I request a drug test for this match?

Nope.

Why?

Because I’m not a pussy. I will fuck this dude until his eyes bleed and there are no amount of drugs that can combat The Messiah, trust me. Just ask Derek.

But seriously, bro, what the fuck are you doing here?

Do you have any idea who I am, or what I am for that matter?

I am the Dick Slingin, Orgasm Bringin, OG from Pittsburgh. In case you don’t know what that means for you, I will spell it out.

Y O U - G O N N A - G E T - D I S - D I C K

ALL OF IT BUDDY, ALL 10 INCHES OF THIS RED BULL CAN IN AND AROUND YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN MOUTH.

DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID TO ETHAN BACK THERE?! THAT MOTHERFUCKER GOT IT LIGHTLY AND I’M PRETTY SURE HE WON’T EVER RECOVER. THEY GONNA HAVE TO GET THAT DUDE A WHOLE NEW FACE CAUSE THE WEIGHT OF THE MESSIAH DONE CAVED THAT BITCH STRAIGHT THE FUCK IN..

But, listen, I’m a chill dude, right?

I like to have a good time, truly, I do.

So like, if you want to just get fucked when we get there, I won’t make it too terribly hard on you.

I mean granted, it’ll be hard on you, but that’s probably because you a lil’

anyhow.

Like, you kinda cute, but cute in the way that Bill Cosby thinks you’re “cute”

Ew.

Regardless, like I said, I’m not even gonna waste my time doing any digging.

You simply aren’t worth it.

Same with this Ash Q person. I honestly don’t know if that’s dude or a chick, or what. Because I just don’t care, because it just doesn’t matter.

I am literally the greatest thing to ever exist in the history of ever. Like, if God ever comes back, you know the fake Messiah, he’s gonna ask for my permission first.

He knows as well as I do, that I run this motherfucker. Not him, not you, not he/she/they/it whatever their fucking pronouns are, not any of you.

So remember motherfuckers, I’m cumming for you.

And when I am done, I will also be coming for you.

See what I did there? It’s play on words, try and keep up, yeah?

I’m kidding.

Get fucked, pussies.

See you at Savage.

xoxo

Kris reaches up and ends the remote broadcast, thus turning the screen to static..

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