From Ruby’s contractually obligated Go-Pro

It was a gloomy day, but also a rather nice one! That seemed like a contradictio in terminis, unless you were a certain Banana-Lime Blur who always tried to get the best out of every situation she was in. And as she stood atop a tall skyscraper, purveying Chi-Town below, she placed her hands on her hips and sighed in exasperation.

Ruby: “Alas, alas! Oh woe is me! ‘tis True, my faithful flipfuls, ya girl is going to have to contend with a man who is no less than thirty years undefeated. Like my gal Vita likes to say, this could very well be my greatest challenge ever. But hey! We aren’t the one to back down from a challenge the likes of which this world has never seen the likes of which, am I right, my flippies?”

Ruby threw up her Go-Pro, and with cat-like agility high-fived it and caught it again.

Ruby: “That’s right! And oh my lordy flippy potatoes, have I come prepares for this Generic Heel, or what!? Ya girl’s got some high end gear to contest with his dastardly villainous ways. As Lackersnackers like to say: first of all!”

She pointed at her new and improved, built-for-the-occasion mask.

Ruby: “I gots myself a brand flippin’ new pair of anti-thumb-to-the-eye goggles! Well protected against all sorts of shenanigans that might occur when a certain someone can’t keep his digits to his superbly flabby self! Not body shaming though my guy, you rock those love handles! Even YOU can find the love of your life one day, best believe! NOW, onto the next step!”

She put the Go-Pro on a nearby chimney, posed in front of it, then spun 180 degrees. That’s mathematical degrees, not Kelvin, Fahrenheit or God Forbid Celsius!!

Ruby extended both thumbs and aimed them at her spine.

Ruby: “A superduperb kind of backplate, technologically developed to withstands even the nastiest of back rakes! That’s how we deal with old school villainy! Which is nothing…”

She spun around again.

Ruby: “Compared to the cup I got protecting my cooter! No low blows this week, my guy! Ya girl’s got armor! I’m all prepared, see? And ohhh, I know what you’re thinking… ”

From out of NOWHERE, Ruby produced a cup of molasses, dissolved into a liter, yes a LITER, of water.

Ruby: “Don’t you even THINK about playing possum my dude, because this right here is some prime possum repellent, homemade by yours truly! I will be sure to lather this all over the canvas before the match has even started! Ain’t no tricking or fooling the referees this time around, I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to that! Never again!”

And as she said that, Ruby snapped her fingers, as if she’d forgotten the most crucial point of the night.

Ruby: “Oh! And don’t you dare try and pin me while my feet are on the ropes… By the way, Tommy, you still owe me a boot,… Because on these very mortal ankles I have installed a system that will beep and weep loudly whenever the pressure pads in my Supershirt’s shoulders are activated, and my Super Smart Shoes have crossed the threshold of rope and buckle! See? It’ll be impossible for you to cheat, my guy! Which, in vampire’s terms, will suck for you! GOOOooOOO, Vita, and normalize vampirism! She was a victim, folks, don’t shame her!

Anywhomsoeverandsowhat, Generic Heel, I know your sort. I know you hide behind a façade, and I know there’s more to you than meets the eye. I know the mask you don is one to hide the sadness inside of you. I know the boastfulness you flaunt is merely to camouflage the insecurities deep inside. You’re the fruit of a tree I’ve cut down before, and my goodness gracious me, don’t think I’ll be too shy to bring up the hatchet again, my guy. Or the chainsaw if need be. See, I wanna win this tournament. In spite of its silly name, this tourney could very well dictate the future of the Anarchy brand, and I want to be at the forefront. Now, my mainest gal Vita has done a tremendous job so far. She kicks like a strontium mule, and I don’t think she even realizes it. She is literally so good she seems to think I held back against her, when in truth I gave her all I could and then some. She would scare me, if I didn’t think her heart was in the right place. Now all I can do is be proud of her. And proud I WILL be when she wins the Plump Pigeon… But I will give her HECK before she does! And I vehemently hope she will realize that. But FIRST, as they say, you have to beat the PLUMP, to BE the PLUMP… And that has never been more appropriate, as I seek to put down the plumpest of them all! Again, my dude, not bodyshaming. Just stating facts, is all.”

Ruby sighed, and shook her head.

Ruby: “In spite of all your rather silly boastfulness, there isn’t a hair on my head that will try and discourage you for what you did in this business. Some of it may have been overblown, but hey… You’re talking to a vet here. And I don’t mean veterinarian, I mean veteran! Although I’ve had to put some animals down myself during this in-ring career. Figuratively speaking. GH, the Great, you’ve said many things. Just realize that *also Sprach Zarathustra*. Zarathustra, who lived as a hermit with an eagle and a serpent. But you are not the Saint in the forest. You are not the tightrope walker. You are the clown urging others to get out of the way. But I will not. I will stand my ground. And in the end, you will be the hollow tree that will be nothing more than a symbol. Ruby. Out!

*end obligatory Go-Pro broadcast*