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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » March Madness IV - RP Board 2022
Hellfire
Author Message
Prof. Bobby Bourbon Offline
Mad Scientist



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
03-25-2022, 09:43 PM

Chernit has detained Bobby in Moscow.

Bobby’s move.

HELLFIRE

Bobby is seated at a chess table.

Chernit, I have thought it over, are you good at chess?

Yes. 5 times champion.

Nope.

Bobby shakes his head and stands up from the chess table.

I'm a physical ass whooper, I suck at chess.

Chernit laughs.

So we can play the board games now?


Well, Chernit, have you ever seen Rocky IV?

Chernit looks taken emotionally by the mention of the film.

It was beautiful.

Well, I happen to have a very special Bourbon Man with me in town. And, well…

You mean, you brought him

RoboBob, the robot from Rocky IV with a picture of Bobby’s face stapled to it, crashes in through the door.

Happy birthday, Paulie.

Chernit looks like a kid seeing santa in the mall. His eyes light up, a silly grin crawling across his wide jaw. He runs over and hugs RoboBob.

Happy birthday, Paulie!

Look…

Bobby interrupts Chernit's exuberance over holding a movie prop from several decades in the past.

…where did they film Rocky IV?

Vancouver.

Bobby looks slackjawed.

Damnit. Should have done a google on that earlier.

No, but we in Russia built the entire village that was jn the film in 2002!

That's perfect!

~~~~~

We see Bobby walk out of a cozy cabin, draped with icicles. He's wearing a dark blue wool knit hat, sweats, and a thick leather jacket. As he does, Chernit watches him with binoculars but from like 20 feet away. It's kind of ridiculous. Bobby trots out to the road and begins jogging. He jogs past other villagers, who look on at the man just running. He runs over some hills and through a creek. He loads up a sled and Chernit sits on it as he pulls it through the snow. He starts doing pull ups in a barn where they have a roaring fire to keep them warm. Chernit looks on and nods, approvingly. Bobby carries a log on his shoulders and walks through the snow. We see Bobby chopping a tree with an axe. We see Bobby skipping rope. He hangs from a loft in the barn, sits up, where Chernit is sitting on his legs, throws a few punches, then repeats. He splits a log with an axe. He splits several more logs as Chernit watches, more than happy to recreate Rocky IV for BastardNET. We see Chernit holding up the pads so Bobby can slug away at them. Bobby starts working a speed bag, that endurance is going to pay off over 2 matches. Bobby starts hoisting a couple of rocks in a net with a pully. Bobby goes into a headstand and begins bowing his feet to the floor and back in controlled fashion, amping up the core strength needed for the Bobbybomb. Chernit and RoboBob look on as he does. Bobby has a yoke built for 2 oxen on his shoulders, doing some real Oregon Trail shit. Bobby crumples up a picture of Jenny Myst. Bobby hoists a wooden two-wheeled cart, Chernit, RoboBob, and for some reason Axe Mannix, axe man on Xanax are in it. He doesn't do a rickshaw with them, he just lifts them up and bounces them around a bit. We see Bobby hauling ass uphill in the snow. Bobby runs up a hill into the woods. Chernit watches. Several minutes pass. Chernit looks around, he is all alone off in the wilds of Siberia while Bobby isn't anywhere to be found.

Damnit.

We see Chernit and Bobby sharing a hot cocoa in the cabin. It looks like Bobby likes having Chernit around.

~~~~~

Somewhere in Moscow, down a seedy looking alley, we see two large men in suits standing at a door. Bobby approaches with Chernit in tow.

Why are we coming here? Shouldn't we be learning American board games?

We will, Chernit, but we gotta go here first.

The two large men nod as they let Chernit and Bobby inside. Bobby leads both men down a set of stairs, then another large men waits. He opens the door and we see a posh night spot. Bobby leads Chernit to a table. The place all makes Chernit, former chess celebrity. Another man steps forward, removing a feather boa and gaudy sunglasses.

That's the current chess champion!

Neat! Beat him, Chernit, because you're a Bourbon Man now!

Chernit spastically jumps up and down while he holds his own face.

Oh my god!

A scroll of text reading "NEW BOURBON MAN ALERT: RUSSIAN CHESS MASTER!" rides the bottom of your screen. Chernit takes a seat as Bobby sneaks off into the kitchen. The place is empty, and Bobby meanders around until he finds what he's looking for; the soda syrups. You see, most soda served in restaurants out of a fountain comes to them as a syrup, which gets mixed with carbonated water. Bobby finds the whole set up holding every flavor of soda. Bobby pulls a syringe out of his pocket, labelled LSD, and injects one of the lines. He pulls out 6 more syringes and does the same with each of the rest of the soda syrup packages. Bobby walks back out of the kitchen, the cover of the late night chess match dominating this weird Russian nightclub.



Whew. Secret mission complete. That there was actually pretty fucked up of me, so, yeah, there's all that. But, what you can't blame me for are the expectations people have of me going into this pay-per-view. March Madness 4, I'm in the final four, and that’s all the numbers you'll get out of me. Here I am, and people expect me to finish out the tournament, and Jenny Myst moped about that to me. She did goofy illogical math regarding our match history. Jenny did bad math about me to me in her promo. Jesus. I want you to know, Jenny, that one chokeslam from me is because of you doing that shit. Grab your tiny neck, pick you up by it, and plant you. That's one of like a dozen signature moves I do. I'm fucking cool like that. Jenny Myst is as bright as a coffin in dirt, as sharp as a casaba melon, and dumber than an inbred goat. Fuck you, Jenny, I'ma whoop your ass in the name of animal husbandry now. For the love of fuck, you get all fussy with me because talking heads had a word about the tournament we are in and didn't think you had good odds. They didn't fill my head, they didn't say shit about what brought you to the dance, I know your game in that ring well enough for that, but I'm still going to beat you. It sucks, Jenny, it's actually tough, stepping up and living up to the hype that follows you. Having to prove it, every fucking show, every fucking time. I don't get soft work, ever. It's like if this were a game, and not the XWF, I play on hard mode while you play easy. You care more about what happens to you than what you could do to someone else in that ring, it's why I will fuck you up in that ring, almost rhythmically.

Bobby takes a seat in a tiger striped beanbag chair.

From the dawn of my XWF career, girl, I have done a lot. A Lot. I haven't done it all yet, but here's my chance, and there's you, moping at me and telling me how you saw what happened in the past. Ooh, ah, just what the Universe needed, Jenny Myst's perspective on what they all already saw. Raion, you caught yourself doing the exact same thing. As 50% of the Bastard representation in this tournament, I must let you know that we in BOB cut through that shit like a razor. I never picked a fight with Raion Kido. I told him to settle shit with another Bastard like a competitor in the damn ring, and this lion, this Angel of Athena, this Duke of Wellington, this dork who posts more selfies on Twitter than the women I follow who like to showcase their tatas, this milquetoast morose menial mentally mishandling my mission, this dude who couldn't run a Burger King let alone be a king, said to come see him. I saw him. Bam, splat, there wasn't a fight. I whooped an ass, Kido, I didn't pick a fight. Jenny, you prattled on, ad nauseam, whining about this, whining about that, throwing yourself a pity party. Yep, I lost my mask. Happened months ago. We all saw it, you're talking about reruns around the water cooler and looking the fool for it. You know what I didn't do? Piss and moan about it. I didn't have a long discourse about how people overlooked me, woe is you. I did notice, however, that you tried to be funny in that gods awful Zach Galifianakis joke. Man, five years ago when he was a B-lister like you that joke would have slayed. Jenny Myst, who has disappeared many times from the XWF, making pennies on her lousy OnlyFans, because she has offset boobs like Tara Reid and an incredibly hairy butt crack. Jenny Myst has to get high school boys drunk to bang her and even then, they're iffy. Jenny Myst once left the XWF to stan Gabe Reno and Shane hoping for a barbecue, maybe even a spit roast.


Bobby smirks.

Jenny Myst doesn't buy underwear with days of the week on them she gets panties with entire calendars. No wonder she still thinks its 2015. Jenny Myst is a self-adulating fool who thinks the greatest accomplishments in her career are worth noting, and maybe they are. Congratulations. No joke there. Thing is, Jenny, the greatest things in my career I have yet to do. Universal Champ, Tag Champs in 2 separate companies, Hart Champ. Xtreme Champ. I have done all that and yet, I'm not looking to get back to a place, I'm working on surpassing that. Being more. I get there by beating more. I guess it's great you found this little win streak of yours, I will send it to a crashing halt. Same goes for you, Raion, you've been quite the workhorse, but not a damn bit of that matters. What matters is Tokyo, this Sunday. Two matches, one night, my crown.

Bobby closes his eyes.

Also, Raion, news flash bud, check the ego. I didn't come back for you. I came back for the people and didn't even know you were here until I asked Charlie what he was doing one week and he said he was going to beat your ass. Oo-wee, Raion, you do compete an awful lot but sure do choke when it comes to the big time matches. Just like Jenny! Damn, between the two of you, I don't know who's the finer choke artist, Jenny’s just due. Well, young missy, I can guarantee, without a shadow of a doubt, your day is this Sunday, that gag reflex is already quivering and them butterflies in your belly are sure coming back up. You made it to the final four, but don’t book yourself a late flight Jenny, you got the mightiest of mighty ass-whoopings coming straight for you at March Madness 4. Your night will be overwith earlier than mine, plain and simple. Then, after that, it’s onward and upward as I continue to punch, kick, knee, headbutt, chokeslam, and toss people around my way to the crown and throne to the truest man of the people, the humble servant of all, one who will reject all of the pomp and the fucking circumstances, the Bastard King. Now, I know that means I will, probably, have to fight the most dangerous man in the XWF, or all of wrestling, besides me, because we are equally dangerous in our own right. I mean, fuck, we ARE, after all, Them No Good Bastards. One of the best tag teams in history, not just XWF history, but wrestling history. Everybody knows that when ole’ Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon, Them No Good Bastards, get to fighting on a pay-per-view we mean business. So, our opponents are basically Raion Kido teaming up with Jenny Myst. I reckon TK can pull his weight against Kido, and for Kido’s sake, he better fucking hope TK does. I know, it’s not TNGB coming into Madness, but we are Bastards for Pete’s sake. After Jenny gets dunked and I move on to the finals, I will ultimately show that I know TK as well as he knows me. There’s no way he can hit me with his offense, it’s so well scouted. The Thunder Strike, the second most devastating solo maneuver in wrestling, third most in all maneuvers. The top in all maneuvers is the Rainbow Laser Death Sequence. The Bobbybomb is more devastating. I have the Manhattan Drop scouted. I know all about your jiggy wiggy dancing knee drop that you plan on doing in the future, that discus reverse elbow you’ve been practicing in the mirror in hotels, the back-handspring rolling suicida to the outside into a tornado DDT, all those future moves you want to do, TK, I scouted. I know your weakness, though. I don’t want to say it, because, damn it, it will ruin our partnership! I have to exploit that weakness, though, to edge myself forward and win the March Madness 4 March Madness tournament to determine the King of the XWF and by proxy BOB. Ladies and gentlemen, that weakness?

Bobby shrugs all Sean Warstein-like. That bastard.

Thunder Knuckles hates the catapult maneuver. Absolutely. When we first started partnering up, we we going over what would be a cool finisher, and I was thinking a slingshot into something, and he immediately, sharply, and without hesitation said ‘oh fuck no, we’re not, fuck the slingshot, that move is stupid’. I had to agree, it didn’t make sense whatsoever, but hey, he’s also the master of the foot DDT, so I definitely know he’s onto some strategy I don’t and can’t fathom. Like, I do a ton of crazy ass signature, one of a kind Bobby Bourbon shit in that ring, but I sure as fuck am baffled how to deliver a Thunder Strike correctly and at this point, I’m afraid to ask. Sorry TK. I will perform the catapult toehold on you at March Madness 4, in Tokyo, in front of everybody for all creation, from Earth to whatever hereafter we’ve visited, and sweet work continuing the time travel stuff, it seems cool. I remember when we did it and it was minty fresh.

Bobby holds his hands together.

If it comes to us, and you best damn well roast Kido like I roasted…

Bobby stops and glances sideways.

Wait, does anyone smell anything burnt? I already scorched Myst like the Brusque Out-and-out Bullhorn I can be, and I am really, really look forward to grabbing a hold of your insipid, immature, goofy ass and put a hurting on you that you sure as fuck ain't never felt before. There will be science teams, from around the globe, ringside to monitor the tremors I create with the impact of my offense on you. You're coming into this awful cocksure that you will evade everything I do, which isn't the case. I am quick and agile enough to catch you like a grizzly grabbing a spawning salmon and like the salmon, you ain't gonna like what comes next. That's when you become a part of my sports science documentary where nerds tell us all about what I do in the ring. Kinda like you tried only accurate and worth listening to.


Bobby rises out of the beanbag chair and begins to walk. The camera keeps pace. He continues to talk with his back to the camera.

So, XWF Universe, what do you need of your king? What are your whims, wishes, wants, and what do you will? As the People's King, a man who has been uncrowned for years, please, keep bringing them requests!

Bobby opens a door and descends down a staircase. He then opens a metal door and steps into the Moscow undercity. He continues to walk.

I will do what is best for all mankind, all you gotta do is say the word and Bobby makes it done, because I get fucking results when I get to work in my field, be it international espionage or professional wrestling, no matter what results you wanted.

Bobby descends down more stairs and in through a door. A massive water purification chamber is seen. Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, and Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, stand beside the massive vat of water with two fifty-five gallon drums.

Yo.

We got the stuff.


Excellent. How pure?

Government grade, like the CIA made.

Perfect.

Bobby and his cronies open the drums of LSD and pour them into the city's fresh water supply.

Batman is going to be so pissed with you.

Bobby sniggers.

I'm nonfiction, Batman can't sniff my shit.

[Image: DtUCPfZ.png]
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[-] The following 7 users Like Prof. Bobby Bourbon's post:
"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (03-27-2022), Charlie Nickles (03-26-2022), Mark Flynn (03-25-2022), Raion Kido (03-26-2022), Theo Pryce (03-26-2022), Thunder Knuckles™ (03-25-2022), Vita Frickin Valenteen (03-26-2022)




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