Aborting Hitler

TK inside Hitler's body is finally out of the shower and dressed. He's preparing for a meeting with Professor Hussein. He has no clue what the meeting is about. Pacing next to Hitler's bed in the bunker Ava walks in.

I told you Trudeau is waiting on you outside. What's taking you so long?

TK looks at Ava with a blank face before saying,

I just wanted to take a minute, Jesus Christ.

I understand, Adolf. It's alright. Be sure to remember to take Blondie out.

TK thinks to himself. "I hate fucking dogs."

I won't forget.

As TK finishes his sentence Trudeau Janga walks into the room.

Mein Fuer.

Janga does the typical German salute or the time period.

We must get to this meeting soon are you ready?

TK nods at Janga.

Follow me, Mein Fuer, this way.

Janga turns and walks down the corridors of the bunker with TK behind him.

So, what is this meeting about Janga?

Without missing a beat Janga responds.

The advancement of the allied forces into Deutschland. You called for this meeting days ago. Are you alright, Mein Fuer?

TK seems irritated that's all the information that anyone seems to know about this meeting. TK mumbles under his breath.

Fucking Hitler.

Janga thinks he heard something coming from his supreme commander.

What's that?

TK quickly replies as to not bring attention to the fact he said "Fuck Hitler".

I said, fucking Hindenburgh.

I still can't believe he thought he'd still be in favor of the party after that disaster. He was the perfect puppet, Mein Fuer.

TK didn't pay attention to History when he was in school so he just nods his head, rolls his eyes, and mocks Hitler.

Yep, you know me. I'm fucking great.

Janga stops in front of a door and stands at attention beside the door. TK is waiting for instruction and fixes his military suit jacket. Janga looks over at his Fuer.

You should probably just walk in.

I fucking knew that Janga!

TK enters the door, as he does he see Professor Hussein standing at attention in front of a chair waiting on Adolf Hitler. TK walks over to the other end of the table and sits down without saluting Hussein. Hussein seems confused by this and doesn't move.

We'll sit the fuck down and lets talk.

Hussein still bewildered by Hitler's actions sits down. There's silence for a moment before TK gets frustrated.

Well, fucking tell me what you have to tell me I have to take out my dog.

Hussein is astonished that Hitler could be thinking about his dog instead of the impending doom at Deutschland's doorstep.

The allied forces are moving in quickly. It doesn't look like they're going to take much longer to get here, Mein Fuer. It's to my knowledge they will most likely be here in days, not weeks.

TK sits and ponders on what to do. Not that he cares about Hitler, because in TK's eyes, Hitler is a scum. Hussein speaks back up.

We can always...

Hussein stops, afraid for his life.

Always what, mother fucker?

Hussein reluctantly finishes his sentence.

We can always fortify the city and...

TK cuts Professor Hussein.

No.

They will drag your body through the streets if they enter and take the city, Mein Fuer! Just like they did to Mussolini and his wife!

TK smirks at the thought but can't mess up the timeline in fear he wouldn't make it back to his own body.

How about cyanide?

Hussein has been caught off guard you can see it in his facial expression.

Mein Fuer, are you suggesting that I give you the means to poison yourself?

TK nods at Professor Hussein. Hussein reaches into his pocket to give Hitler his personal "in case you get caught" cyanide capsules. He extends them to the man he believes to be Adolf Hitler.

What?! No mother fucker make it look like a prescription you know... In a bottle that I can take and think they're goddamn vitamins or something.

Hussein has no clue what Hitler is talking about.

Fuck! You know put them in a bottle with a label that says, I don't know, "antibiotics". Just make sure I don't know that I'm killing myself. I mean, for fuck sake, are those instructions too goddamn hard?

Professor Hussein tries to take back the capsules but TK stops him.

Wait...

Hussein stops in his tracks.

I'll take those too.

Hussein hands over the cyanide capsules to Adolf.

Cool, Cool.

TK places them into his pocket and starts to head out of the room. Once reaching the door he looks back at Professor Hussein.

Also, make fucking sure that Ava gets the same bottle. Instruct her to bring both bottles with her to me and we'll take them together. Tell her that it's to stop the spread of some terrible disease that doesn't exist.

Hussein responds quickly.

Yes, Mein Fuer!

TK exits the room and begins to sweat. He looks over at Janga who hasn't removed himself from his post by the door.

Janga, holy shit, mother fucker! You're still here?

Where else would I be Mein Fuer?

Fuck if I know. I have to let Blondie out to the courtyard.

TK walks away and Janga begins to follow. TK turns and faces the man.

How about you... Go somewhere else. I have shit I have to take care of.

As TK says this some of his memories flood back to him. Janga turns around and reluctantly walks away. TK walks further down the hallway feeling accomplished. He doesn't make it far before Jimmy shows up behind him.

BOO!

TK pulls his fists back and swings behind him landing a blow to Jimmy's jaw. Jimmy falls to the ground holding his face.

Damn, Thunder Knuckles!

Well, look who fucking came back.

I take it you know who I am now?

TK smirks at Jimmy.

Yeah, I said, "I got shit to do", and all of a sudden... I knew who you and Bobby Bourbon were. This memory loss shit is crazy as fuck. Have you figured out how to get me back to my body?

Well, kind of.

What the fuck do you mean, kind of?

Turns out, when you set up Hitler to kill himself, It worked. Now we just have to figure out what the trigger to send you back to your body is.

Jimmy can tell TK isn't really paying attention.

Just go take out the dog.

Oh, I fucking plan on it. I hate goddamn dogs.

I know you do. Just keep acting like Hitler and we'll get you out of this.

Jimmy begins pressing buttons on his futuristic cellphone, a door with blue light shining through appears, and he walks through it. TK is again lone and mocks Jimmy.

Just keep acting like Hitler, like I have a goddamn choice.

TK finally makes it to where Hitler's best friend and most loyal companion is. TK sees Blondie and cringes.

Goddamn, I hate dogs.

Blondie runs up to the person he sees as his owner. The dog's tail wags back and forth excited to see Hitler. TK kicks the dog when it gets too close, but the dog is persistent and walks back over to Adolf. TK walks over to the dog food he spotted as he entered the room. He places some in a bowl but he drops both of the cyanide capsules in with it.

Feast up, you little shit.

The dog wastes no time gobbling up the food TK placed into its bowl. TK attaches the leash that was next to the dog food and escorts the dog to the courtyard. As they walk, Blondie starts to slow down.

Come on, mother fucker, we're almost there. I don't want to carry you the rest of the way.

TK gives the leash a little tug and Blondie marches on. Once in the courtyard, the dog collapses and white foam begins streaming from its mouth. TK is unenthused and poorly acting.

Oh. God. No. My dog is dying. Someone, please help.

A couple of guards hear this and rush in.

Mein Fuer! What's going on?

It looks like someone poisoned my poor-poor dog. We should probably bury it. Here. Right now.

The two soldiers salute Adolf and walk out of the courtyard to obtain a shovel. The blue-lit doorway opens back up and Jimmy walks through it, behind TK again.

Good!

TK startled yet again, turns around and slaps Jimmy. This time Jimmy doesn't fall but he is still holding his face.

WILL YOU FUCKING QUIT DOING THAT! SHIT!

I'll try it's not like this thing knows which way you're facing.

Jimmy is still rubbing his face. That one must have stung.

Good move on killing Hitler's dog and having it buried in the courtyard. You must have studied up on some history.

TK smiles and simply looks at Jimmy.

No. I just really hate fucking dogs. Now, what do I do Jimmy? I mean, for the love of Christ! I'm running out of time Tomorrow Hitler is going to get poisoned and I'm still here.

Jimmy places his hand on TK's shoulder.

Don't worry, we figured it out.

TK seems pleased by this information.

Good. What the fuck do I have to do?

This is the part Jimmy didn't want to tell TK.

You have to do the one thing that Hitler never did.

That seems easy enough.

Jimmy pulls an I don't know face before replying.

Hitler has to admit to someone he was wrong.

Pffft.

TK waves Jimmy off.

Fucking cakewalk.

Is it though? Have the words "I was wrong" ever left your mouth? In a way, you weren't being a sarcastic asshole.

Bastard.

See! I told you your memory would come back! My apologies though, Sarcastic Bastard.

TK graciously nods his head and begins to ponder what Jimmy said.

I guess... I guess, not.

Well, you have to do it or you'll be stuck here and end up dead, one way or another.

Calm down, Jimmy, goddamn. I got this.

A notification sounds from Jimmy's futuristic cellphone.

Oh, man, I have to go someone is coming.

As fast as he can Jimmy presses buttons on the cellphone and the blue hue in the outline of a door shows back up and he quickly departs. As it closes Ava walks into the courtyard.

OH, GOD! BLONDIE! What happened Adolf?

Ava begins sobbing uncontrollably. TK rolls his eyes.

Someone poisoned the dog.

This is terrible, Adolf! Who would do such a terrible thing?

TK puts his arm around the sobbing Ava.

Let's go to our room and the soldier will lay the do-

TK pauses because he remembered the dog's name.

Blondie to rest.

TK and Ava leave the courtyard and head to their chambers. Once inside TK falls fast asleep while Ava bawls her eyes out about the dog. Eight hours later TK wakes up and Ava is gone.

Oh, shit! What's day is it?

Janga walks into Hitler's bunker bedroom.

Mein Fuer, we have a busy day.

We sure do, Janga. I have to tell you something.

What is it, Mein Fuer?

I was wrrreeerrrr-

What?

I was wrooooo-

Huh?

I was wrung- Shit this is a lot harder than I thought.

Ava walks into the room now with the bottles of "antibiotics". TK see them.

Time to take our medicine, Adolf.

Fuck! Ava I was wrong.

As soon as the words leave TK's mouth Adolf Hitler's body begins to glow blue, then white, and blue again. Suddenly Hitler is inside of his own body.

What were you wrong about Adolf?

Nothing! I'm never wrong! I'm the supreme commander!

Ava looks confused but she does pour some "antibiotics" into her hand.

Professor Hussein said we need to take these to stop your tremors and I have to take them to make sure I don't contract them.

Hitler mindlessly takes the pills and so does Ava. Within minutes they both die. All of a sudden TK wakes up again but this time in 1953. He quickly takes off the covers and revivals he's in an oversized onesie. TK looks around looking for a bathroom to check a mirror. Once he finds a mirror he looks at it and reveals a face of a young man with down syndrome.

Oh, no.

The scene fades to credit. After the credits, the word: join us next time if we're not canceled.

TK can be seen inside BOB Headquarters. He just finished watching Anarchy.

Goddamn it!

TK looks to his left away from the camera.

Jimmy!

Jimmy's voice can be heard off-camera.

Yeah, Thunder Knuckles?

Don't "yeah" me, mother fucker! Did you get that match changed yet?

There's silence for a moment.

I told you I can't get it changed.

TK is rubbing his temples with his pointer and middle fingers. TK looks back into the camera.

You'd think two guys that you're hoping to recruit into BOB wouldn't go all hard as a mother fucker. Ozzy we're going to have words about what you did to Barney on Anarchy, for fucks sake.

TK closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, focuses on the task at hand, and opens his eyes back up.

I don't know if you noticed me opening my fucking eyes, Barney! You know since your last remaining goddamn eye was poked out of your fucking head. If you think I'm pissed off at Ozzy right now, just you wait kid-o! How are you going to allow yourself to be in that situation in the fucking first place! What I need to you do is buckle the Hell down and be the goddamn legend we know you are! Not this shell that's been showing up lately.

TK's frustration level is at an all-time high.

Do you know how much it's going to cost to get you cyborg eyes, Barn? Well? Do you? Oh, don't be laughing Ozzy because you're the mother fucker I'm going to put in charge making them and making sure Barn has better goddamn vision than a damn American Bald Eagle! Bonus points if they're all badass like a terminator because that's exactly what Barney is a mother fucking terminator! A goddamn BOB-inator if you will.

Jimmy's voice can be heard again.

Like Mr. BOB?

TK looks back over to his left.

No. Not like Mr. BOB. Will you shut the fuck up Jimmy, Christ!

TK takes another deep breath, extending his arms, and pulling them back inward before continuing.

These goddamn breathing lessons Mrs. Fury had me start doing before she fucking keeled over aren't fucking work! Any-goddamn-way, Barney told me to be ready for our match. This mother fucker will most likely be walking in our match blind as fuck. Shit, I just saw what happened on Anarchy. Who watches that shit? Barney is telling 'Ol Thunder Knuckles to be ready? Jesus, Barn! You're so goddamn lucky I like you. You truly have nothing to lose after Ozzy done took your goddamn eye.

Mr. BOB walks into the frame.

Did you need something Thunder Knuckles?

TK looks over to his left again.

See what the fuck you did, Jimmy?

Jimmy doesn't give a response.

No, Mr. BOB, I don't need anything.

Are you sure?

Mr. BOB opens his Robcop like calf holster, grabs a beer, cracks it open, and hands it to TK.

Well, shit, since you're offering. Thanks, Mr. BOB.

No problem Thunder Knuckles. If you need anything just say my name.

TK nods as he's taking a drink of his beer.

Where was I?

Jimmy's voice starts to be heard.

Nothing to los-

TK glares to his left which causes Jimmy to shut right the Hell up.

Ottawa, Ontario, Canada better prepare for a night of goddamn bloodshed. Between 'Ol Thunder Knuckles is going to tear the Canadian Tire Centre to the goddamn ground. Unfortunately, it'll be against a man I call a friend. If I know anything about Barney, it's that he'll show up in a spirited contest. Only to fall to me. Sorry hombre. Thems the fucking brakes because I WILL BE KING! Not a Sausage King, a Burger King, and definitely not a King without a wang. Here's looking at you Jenny Myst.

TK gives the finger to the camera specifically for Jenny Myst,

No. I will be King of XWF. People will come from far and wide to look in awe at the sight of a new BOB King.


TK pauses for two and a half solid minutes.

What the fuck are you doing cameraman? Shut it off! That was the perfect place to end the goddamn promo! Christ you guys could fuck up a wet dream you know that?

The scene fades to black with TK standing up from his chair and walking off pissed off.