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ALIAS · (03-02-2022)

∞A: When Pussies Hold Their Tongue So Their Foot Can’t Get Shoved Down It, I Still Find A Way

“LOL! Here we go again, folks! This is one of my most favourite things in the whole wide world! Getting real pedantic about shit to make dumbfucks look even dumber!

Ready!

Set!

Eat These Nuts!

‘Cause you still never addressed why you dropped yours back in March.”

’Dumbfuck’ Said:But he’s smart, too! If Bourbon called him out Alias would have come out of the gate hungry and at his best. If I called him out he’d be scared shitless of ending up like Robert Main, so he’d come in with a few tricks under his sleeve.

“Want to know how dumb TK is? He called me ‘smart’! Did I mention how I got beat up by The Left Hand a whole bunch? That takes some big brain energy, doesn’t it? Know what doesn’t? Having already beaten Bobby Bourbon. But you fellas are just glossing over that, aren’t you? Swing and a miss. Next?”

Winner and NEW Heavymetalweight Champion - Charlie Nickles

“Oh yeah, I didn’t forget about that, pal. I was kind of waiting for you to mention it actually, but of course, you tried to be a bitch about it and wait until the last minute to try and stop me pulling your pants down about it. Ergo…”

’The Kingslayer’ Said:“The same fucking way it has ended EVERY time someone has come at me head on and tried to put my shoulders to the mat.”

’The Godkiller’ Said:“Alongside Bets', Bam Bam, and ol' Petey Vee himself. It took the four of you, Apex, a pack of wolves, an army of zombie warriors, the Queen Bitch Werewolf herself, and a literal white whale to do the job, but it happened nonetheless. For the first and only time, my shoulders were forced to the mat in that ring.”

’Still The Fucking World-Beater, World-Eater, War-Winner, Legend-Breaker, D’Ville’s Bane, Wolf-Skinner, Soldier-Butcher, and motherfucking BASTARD TAMER’ Said:“Who from BOB pinned me in a match?”

“Wowza, looks like I had that base covered, eh?

Told you I’d get pedantic.

And no ‘tricks’? Really? Yeah… definitely no ‘tricks’ involved in a championship literally designed around ‘tricks’. Fucking what? But hey if beating me then was such a big deal… how do you explain this?”

’The Label-Gatherer’ Said:"I gave you one very clear condition
You've bitched out on your very own volition
I understand that you're scared
My record is quite rare
For I have NEVER suffered pin or submission."

“Remember that? It was back in our little ditty over the Freestyle championship, only like a month after you became the Heavymetalweight Champion at my expense. Do you know how you responded, when trying to get me into that ring? Oh, mama, you know I’ve got the receipts.”

’Perennieal Fucker-Upper’ Said:I'm game to make it a first
Step up, pick a day to hop in the hearse
You're avoiding me, you're refusing to fight, showing you're just average
Can only lowcarders like Ash Quinn fill your appetite
You're running scared, I wonder what you're going to do when I attack you on Savage

“What’s that, Char’ Char’? Does that show that you that even you yourself didn't place much weight in it? Does it show that you know the difference between that and what's coming down the line? Yes, yes it does. Or it shows that you did, anyway. I once said that every new version of you was shittier than the last. Like a Dragon Ball Z villain in reverse. This new one… the Bastard Charlie? Dumbest one yet.

Also, I note you didn’t attack me on Savage then, either. What’s your fucking excuse for that?

Pussies gonna puss.

But hey! You’re going to pin me in this match, aren’t you? So like… when it’s not going to help you win? Oh man, you fucking got me! How would I ever survive the embarrassment?!”

Athens, Georgia, USA.
28 August 2021.

Miss Fury slides into the ring with the Universal Championship as Alias is starting to work his way back to his feet. She sizes him up and once he stands she explodes towards him smashing the Universal Championship off Alias’s face! Miss Furry turns towards the entrance ramp where she motions towards the back.

The boos erupt as REFEREE ARI SILVERSTEIN is shown jogging down to the ring! Miss Fury takes Page’s arm, putting it on the chest of Alias! Ari dives into the ring under the bottom rope where he makes a count!

1!
2!
3!

“Psst… there was your answer for which member of BOB had beaten me, by the way. Except… then I would have pointed out that Page had ‘quit’ BOB in the lead up, so still no dice. And sadly, for you, it looks like you still wouldn’t be breaking any new ground no matter what you fucking try.

Oh liar me though, right? Shoulders to the mat right there!

How shit do you have to be for your foe to come in and tell you how you coulda done that 'gotcha' shit in a way that would've held up for at least a fucking sniff of a second?

Oh liar me.

It didn’t stick then - fast count, match restarted, yadda yadda yadda - and, dear Charlie, it ain’t gonna stick now either. So come pin me buddy. Watch how it ends up for you. Come fucking lose. Come fucking burn. Again.”

/>

“Just think of me as Sarah Lacklan, if it helps you get back into the mood. Such fun memories. no?

Sadly, our time is coming to an end. I just wanna take one last whip around those words of yours before I bid you a terrible evening, and an even worse tomorrow. It’s not the stuff about terrorism, anarchy, headquarters, and all that, that I want to address. That’s all just you still trying to fight against ghosts, you know? Swinging. Missing. As you are wont to do. You do you, my guy. Just like Lance putting all that shit out there on my behalf is him doing as he does. We’re not here for that, though. No. Instead, I’ve got another gem for ya.”

Little Bitch Too Scared to Get Verbally Blasted In The Ass Again Said:If I were to scalp you on Savage, what would people say about my impending victory over you on Warfare? If I turned Alias into a broken man laying in a pool of blood on Saturday, who would truly respect my victory over a crippled man just four days later?

“Guess that Raion Kido win isn’t really worth bragging about after all, eh?

Must be super awkward to teabag yourself so publicly like that.

Not as awkward as finally telling a good joke, only for it to be a full-blown fucking rip-off of Mitch Hedberg.

I used to do drugs!

Still do, but I used to, too!

Oops.

That ain’t a teabag - that’s a full on ass plowing.

Charlie Nickles = FUCKED.”

[Image: cZUhpSb.gif]

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