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Vita Frickin Valenteen · (02-28-2022)

Almost stereotypically, we open in a graveyard under the cool moonlight.

"So... hungry..."

A bloody and battered Vita Valenteen falls to the cold wet grass, unable to continue on. That's when this total dork steps into view. A young kid, he looks fresh out of high school, dressed in his best vampire hunting cosplay. He cackles in delight as he stands over Vita with all of his five feet and very few inches.

"Vampire Vita Valenteen, prepare to meet your demise at the hands of DERRICK THE DESTROYER!!!"

This dweeb presses his glasses firmly towards his eyes before producing a wooden stake that looks as though it was carved from a toilet plunger.

"And once I cash in the bounty on your head, I'll use my newfound BOB bucks to finally purchase a NEW VIDEO CARD!!! MuHAHahahaHAHaHa"

Derrick, in an all too rare moment of self-awareness, realizes that he's acting very mustache-twisting cartoon villain ATM. His eyes quickly dart to the left and the right, hoping that nobody was watching. He doesn't notice the camera, apparently.

*Ahem!* "Sorry Vita, I used to like you back in the day, but now you're just as bloodthirsty as those damned eBay scalpers that want three-grand for an RTX 3090!"

Derrick's eyes fill with rage and tears.

"THIS CAN NOT GO UNPUNISHED!!!"

Derrick stabbed his makeshift stake downward at Vita's chest, but to his surprise, Vita snapped to life and caught the stake in her hand. Her bloody smile said it all, the dead squirrel beside of her proved to be the exclamation point. Derrick was boned.

"Not today assbutt!"

Vita used her incredible strength and agility to seamlessly sling Derrick across the graveyard and rise to her feet in one fluid motion. Vita wiped the critter blood from her mouth with a grin as she stepped towards poor Derrick.

"You said something about BOB bucks, did TK put you up to this?"

Vita kneels down in front of the trembling Derrick who looks like he could crap his pants at any second.

"E... E...E..."

"Calm down dude, I'm not going to kill you. I don't do that anymore, not even to bad guys. Now for real, was it TK?"

Derrick nods before shaking his head no and shrugging.

"I.... I don't know. I just saw a post on Reddit that said 100,000 xbux for your head!"

It sounded like TK all right, but one detail stood out to her.

"Wait, you're trying to kill me based on the promise of an unverified Reddit post!?"

Derrick seemed to suddenly realize how dumb he looked and sighed as embarrassment took place over his fear.

"I guess that was pretty stupid." Derrick then laid those puppy dog eyes on Vita as he pleaded his case. "BUT I REALLY WANT A NEW VIDEO CARD!"

Vita didn't feel for his situation, however, and just shook her head disapprovingly.

"Not cool dude... Not cool!"

With Vita's guard down, Derrick made his last-ditch effort and lunged towards her with a swiss army knife. Vita easily avoided the blow, but Derrick was crazed by the allure of maybe getting enough money to buy that new GPU, and that single desire drove him into a wild frenzy as he slashed his little blade left and right as he stomped after Vita.

"Okay dude, you need to stop before you hurt yourself!"

Derrick didn't stop, however. He continued to swing and stab with bloodlust in his eyes.

"WHY. WON'T. YOU. DIE!!!"

Vita didn't know that that was a quote from Skyrim, but she didn't need to in order to figure out that this dude was video game crazy, and he was going to hurt someone if she didn't do something quick.

Vita made her move at a blinding pace. She grabbed Derrick's hand and flicked the knife from his grip.

"Now you stop that!"

Derrick won't be deterred though, and he smashes a small vial into Vita's face! As the glass shatters, Vita released Derrick's arm and let out an awful cry of agony!

"Ha, I KNEW you were lying when you said garlic had no effect on you!"

No, she wasn't, but when she made that discovery, she was still feeding on humans. This animal diet seems to have weakened her immunities.

"Now you die vampire scum!"

Derrick, with his recovered stake, lunged at Vita, but she lunged at him as well and caught him by surprise. Before Derrick knew it, her fangs were planted firmly in his neck. Lost in her hunger, Vita clenched Derrick tightly and she drank from his neck! Life began to leave Derrick's eyes as the world around him faded to...

Darkness.

Sometime later...

Vita had come to her senses before bleeding Derrick dry and rushed him to the hospital for medical assistance. Somehow, the media had already been clued into her latest attack and was waiting for her just outside. As vita walked out into the cool night air, she found herself ambushed by none other than the XWF's own Steve Sayors!

"VITA! VITA! CAN I GET A WORD!"

Vita was horrified by the sight of the dorkly fifty-something running towards her with a microphone in hand and a cameraman in tow. Partially because she doesn't need what happened tonight being distorted by the media, and partially because it's Steve. Vita's shoulders slump with a sigh as Sayors asks his first question.

"Vita, what are you doing here at the ER tonight?"

"Just doing my heroic duty and saving a citizen's life, Steve!"

It wasn't a lie, she just omitted the part where she put him here in the first place!

"Really? Because I have it on good authority that you're the one who put him here!"

Vita's shocked! How could he possibly know that!? With a nervous giggle, Vita tries to brush over it and change the subject.

"Well, he was hunting me for xBux, but it's a pretty boring story. Why not talk about one of my many matches coming up instead?"

Steve's eyes light up as he seemed to clue in on something.

"You do have an unusual amount of matches lined up all of a sudden. You're teaming with Sierra Silver tonight on Madness, then it's off to Anarchy to compete in round one of the Plump Pigeon Tournament, then at Savage, you're facing XWF newcomer Alex Minet-Vega-Yin-" Vita cuts him off.

"That's a mouth full." She says with a chuckle, still obviously nervous about talking to the press at the moment.

The interruption doesn't cause Steve to skip a beat. "And word has it that you're looking for action on the upcoming Warfare as well."

Vita nods.

"Now, isn't it true that you have to feed on blood to keep in tip-top shape?"

Uh-oh, Vita can already see where this is going.

"Well, I am a vampire, so duh!? But if you're insinuating that me taking on all of these matches is going to cause harm to people, you're wrong. I only drink critter blood now!"

"And the man that you put in here tonight, wasn't he bought in with puncture wounds to the neck?"

Crap!

"Yes, but as I said, he was trying to kill me!"

Steve produces a small notepad and begins to read from it.

"Derrick Buzzman, 22 of New Jersey. He's mentally handicapped and living in a small apartment with his mom and draws an SSI check for mental deficiencies. You say that he tried to kill you?"

Crap!

"HE TRIED TO STAB ME IN THE FRICKIN HEART, STEVE! Why are you doing this!?"

Steve shrugs. "Doing what, reporting the news? That's kinda my job Vita, and if I want to keep it, I need to break the big stories, like how the XWF's resident sweetheart is out here every night taking innocent people off the street and putting them in the hospital, or worse... How many people have you killed Vita?"

OMG! This looks bad! Thankfully it's not live! Vita knows that she needs to figure out something to get in front of the bad press, but what?

"Well, are you going to answer the question?"

Vita thinks hard, many different scenarios running through her head. Most of them involve killing Steve, but that's not really an option here. There is one thing, but Vita isn't sure how to do it, or if it's even really something she CAN do.

"Steve, I'm not a murderer. Look into my eyes, do you see a killer?"

Steve does look into her eyes, and Vita stares back into his. She concentrates really hard on making Steve think what she wants him to think, hoping that the fabled vampire ability to put a human under a trance holds true.

"I'm not a murderer, Steve, do you hear me?"

Steve, lost in her eyes, repeats what she said.

"You're not a murderer."

Vita smiles, relieved that this is working.

"What you really want to talk about is my match at Savage!"

"Yes.... Savage..."

Vita breaks eye contact with Steve. He comes out of the trance and takes a moment to regain his functions.

"That was... weird..."

Acting innocent, Vita asks, "What happened?"

"I don't know, but it's not important. Let's talk about your match at Savage. You're facing a returning competitor by the name of Alex Minett-Vega-Yin next Saturday. Are you looking forward to the match-up?"

More relaxed now that the line of questioning has changed, Vita chuckles.

"Well yeah Steve, I look forward to every match-up here in the XWF, and there's nothing more exciting than testing your skills against a fresh face!"

"And a fresh face she is, I believe this will be her second match back since retiring five years ago."

Vita nods. "That is what I've heard as well."

"Do you have a plan going into this match, and if so, are you willing to share any details?"

Vita thinks on it for a second before responding.

"I can tell you this, she had better keep practicing her submission escapes because the training footage that I saw from her last month spells disaster when she steps into the ring with such a totally awesome wrestler like myself!"

The uncharacteristic ego from Vita didn't go noticed by Steve, even with the trance deterring him from asking about "vampire stuff".

"Yes, well, what would you say makes you such an awesome wrestler?"

Vita seems to take offense to the question and responds with a slightly snotty tone, which is also uncharacteristic of her.

"What makes ME an awesome wrestler? Tons of things make ME an awesome wrestler! My hair for instance, it makes me awesome!"

Vita pulls the ends of her ponytail on the top of her head tight.

"My tights make me awesome too! Everyone underestimates the power of pink and black tights, but it totally makes Canadians ten times better in the ring when we wear those colors!"

"Come on Vita, be serious!"

Vita snaps back. "You be serious! With all of the accolades I've accomplished in my career on top of my recent victory over Thunder Knuckles, how can you really ask me what makes me an awesome wrestler!?"

Steve doesn't really have an answer, he's just trying to ask the "tough questions". Vita grows increasingly irritated with him and snatches the microphone from his hand.

"You're done here!"

Steve looks like he may cry.

"But this is MY interview!"

"Not anymore, now scram!"

Steve hangs his head in shame. As he leaves, he mutters to himself. "Who says scram anymore?"

With Steve now completely out of the picture, Vita addresses the camera directly.

“Listen up XWF! A few weeks ago, Thunder Knuckles came to me with an offer that he thought I wouldn’t be able to refuse. A coveted spot in the once-mighty BOB. The problem with that is, while I’ve always gotten along with TK for the most part, he should have known that there was no way I’d ever join the group that was literally created to end my career! Heck, maybe he did know! TK isn’t as stupid as some people like to think, and it’s fully possible that he intended to make the offer just to beat me up!”

“Unfortunately for him, I’m sick and frickin tired of getting beat up! So with everything I had left in the tank, I grabbed a fist full of TK’s tights and I pinned him for the 1! 2!! 3!!! Well, sorta! I won’t deny that there was some officiating issues with that count, but it doesn’t change the fact that I walked away from that encounter with my head held high! Yeah, I said it! I don’t really care that I “cheated”, not after he had the gall to attack me with a frickin microphone!”

“Now, that’s not to say that I plan on resorting to dirty tricks in the future! Fighting fire with fire is A-OK, but cheaters never win, and I’m not looking to lose anymore!”

“That brings me to my opponent this Savage, Alex Minett-Vega-Yin, WOW, that’s a mouthful, but don’t worry, I’m not looking for blood, just victory! I had a conversation with Alex on Twitter and wished her well in this match, but I let her know straight up, I’m totally not making this easy for her! I get it, she took half a decade off from the sport, and now she needs to re-establish herself to the modern audience. She did a very good job against Olaf The Giant, but big and tall doesn’t equal talent, and it’s no secret that Olaf very much lacks talent! Just the tiniest bit of strategy, and Olaf could be invincible! But he isn’t, and that was never more obvious than when he allowed Alex to defeat him!”

“Hey, I’m not trying to badmouth the girl. I think it’s really brave to step away from the ring for so long and then try to make that comeback. Five years? That’s like forever in wrestling time. So much has changed. I know that just missing a year and a half out on various injuries when I returned it felt like the entire landscape in the XWF had changed. I could only imagine the system shock that would be five years! Of course, such a lengthy absence may not be immediately noticeable when you’re facing the likes of a man who is easily turned around by anyone who moves faster than his own snail pace!”

Vita flashes a cocky if uncharacteristic grin.

”The problem is, that I’m pretty darn fast myself, even without vampiric enhancements. Oh, by the way, just in case you missed it, I’m totally a vampire! Not you Alex, I know that you know since we totally discussed the topic at length on Twitter, but I do make a note to point it out in like every promo just in case someone new is watching. The only thing worse than not keeping the audience in the loop with your recent going ons, is bringing the audience too close, and revealing weaknesses. You really shouldn’t allow anyone to record your training sessions when you obviously struggle so much with submissions. ESPECIALLY when there’s a certain vampiric shooter who’s been itching to tap someone out for months! That’s just a friendly tip, even if it’s too late to use it for this encounter! Although, you COULD suddenly get good, but becoming a submission specialist in a manner of weeks? Totally not likely, and besides, even if you did, I’d just change my strategy because again, unlike Olaf The Giant, I’m an actual WRESTLER! Not a part-time wrestler. Not a celebrity wrestler. Not a garbage wrestler, and despite my current infliction, not a gimmick wrestler, but a real, honest-to-goodness technical wrestler. I’ve spent years honing my craft to realize my dream of rising to the top of this company, and I’ve been close a few times before, but some distraction has always stood in my way!”

Almost on cue, Vita’s phone buzzes with the notification of an incoming text message!

Sar - "OMG, you’re facing Alex on Savage!? Favor! Disfigure the dumb whore, maybe drag a broken beer bottle across her splotchy cheeks or rip out her stupid eyes and eat them, or something. tysm 🤗"

Vita reads the message from Sarah and lets out a sigh.

”Speaking of distractions, Sarah Lacklan! What is her interest in me!? Why did she invite me to compete in The Plump Pigeon tournament!? Why is she texting me like we’re besties? Why is she even back!?!”

Vita huffs in frustration. Sarah has a way of doing this to her.

”Don’t worry Alex, I’m totally NOT doing any of that stuff she asked me to do, but I am totally going to make you tap on a Saturday Night!”

Vita smirks before tossing the microphone back to Steve.

Fade To Black

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