Your screen lights up to the “Bastard Net intro”. You see really badly drawn birds chirping as a crudely drawn ship is driving in the ocean pulling a net. The net raises from the "water" to show the net full of fish that are screaming “fuck” and one “Jesus Christ”. The shot of the crudely drawn ship pans up as the word Bastard scrolls from the left and the word Net scrolls from the right and stops the center of your screen. The words pause for a moment to continue scrolling from their respective sides. The video fades out with a whispering “fuck off” as the show begins.





The scene starts in the future of 2099. A modified Audi with a Bastard Fusion engine sports car barreling down the highway in an unspecified desert at night. Inside we see Jimmy, who is being played by Dean Stockwell, he’s jamming to classical music. Going at an incredible 320 miles per hour he notices someone broke down on the side of the road, it’s a woman. The woman is dressed eloquently in a tight red dress that doubles as a mini skirt, and oh boy, is she stunning. She has red hair, legs for days, and breasts big enough but not to where they overcomplicate things. Jimmy pulls over to the side of the road and rolls down his window.

Could you use a hand?

The woman smiles and nods her head.

I sure would like to help you but I’m not really good at this sort of thing. I’ll tell you what, how about you get in the passenger seat and I take you to the next town over. Would you like that?

In the distance, you hear wolves howl.

You sure will be safer with me than you would be with those wolves.

The woman smiles because she likes the cut of Jimmy’s jib.

Sure thing, tiger.

The woman says over sexually. Jimmy smiles because he has the feeling he’s going to get laid. The woman gets into the Audi Bastard Fusion sports car. Jimmy looks over and says, as he punches the gas.

You better buckle up.

The Audi takes off quicker than anything you’ve ever seen, even in Star Wars.

Wow, this is fast.

Jimmy with a cocky smile.

I never felt anything like that before.

Yeah, wait until later and this thing is really expensive.

Off in the distance, you can see what can only be described as the northern lights, but it's too far south to see them.

Look at that! It’s so- It’s so beautiful! I wonder what that is?

Jimmy tries to cover up what she's seeing. You see, Jimmy knows what is causing the lights in the sky but isn’t allowed to say what it is as it’s a super top secret BOB project.

It’s umm… A weather balloon. Yeah…

I’ve never seen a weather balloon do that to the night sky before.

Jimmy thinks to himself: “Bitch, have you ever seen a weather balloon, probably not.”

It’s probably just a storm coming in.

The woman isn't buying it.

That’s weird there are no clouds and I don't see any rain in the distance. You know, that's around the place the United States government set off the first Atomic Bomb.

Jimmy looks disappointed now.

No, shit?

Jimmy thinks again to himself: “And she's a damn history buff, give me a break!” Jimmy presses a button on the dash of the futuristic car.

Some people believe there are still several top-secret projects still going on out there. Something to do with Bastard Fusion.

Bastard Fusion? Lady, don't be absurd! Bastard Fusion is a myth.

No, I'm serious! It's said that the mad scientist Bobby Bourbon created Bastard Fusion years back.

Jimmy sighs because he knows what he has to do.

What’s wrong?

Oh, nothing. I’m just going to have to clean the inside of the car.

The woman looks around.

It’s clean, don’t you think?

She looks into the backseat as she does Jimmy pulls out a captive bolt pistol, most commonly used to kill cows in slaughterhouses. He places it in the back of the woman’s skull and pulls the trigger.

Damn it! I was totally getting laid!

All of a sudden a voice comes over the speaker of the modified Audi.

Control!

Jimmy wastes no time responding even though there's a dead woman slumped between the front and back seat of his car.

What’s going on, Jason. You sound stressed.

He’s leaping! The scientist said no but Thunder Knuckles is leaping!

Jimmy, who's still paying attention to the road, looks pissed.

He can’t leap yet! It’s not ready for human trials!

TELL HIM THAT!

Well, put him on coms!

I can't! He’s already in the accelerator with it on!

Your screen now shows TK’s silhouette surrounded by blue light and fog. TK extends his arms and looks up. Lighting sparks around him and his body's silhouette starts glowing blue, then fading to white, and back to blue again, repeating this cycle a few times.

What should I do?

The shot goes back to Jimmy who punches his steering wheel as hard as he can. You can tell because he whines and shakes off the pain.

DAMN IT! Nothing! There’s nothing you can do now! Any interference at this point will kill him! I’m on my way!

Jimmy puts the pedal to the floor which causes the modified Audi to reach 600 miles per hour in a matter of seconds. This causes the car to dart off your screen and the scene fades to the Bastard Leap intro.

Once the intro is done playing the scene opens back up to an old-school winding alarm clock that reads one post meridiem. The alarm goes off and TK lying in a bed that isn't his own wakes up.

Alright! It worked... Wait... What worked. Who am I?

TK in his boxers sits up in bed.

Where am I?

A thirty-three-year-old German beauty sits up from the bed next to him.

I'll go put the coffee on Adolf.

TK looks shocked.

What?

You have meetings all day but don't forget to take Blondie out to the garden.

Who?

Our dog silly goose.

Where are we?

We're in the underground bunker you set up. The Allied nations are moving in. Are you okay?

The beautiful German woman says as she walks out of the room before TK can answer. TK looks over at the wall and sees a calendar hanging. The days are scratched off all the way to April 28, 1945.

1945. Adolf!

TK walks over to a mirror and sees Adolf Hitler instead of his own reflection.

What the fuck is going on? Am I Hitler? This... This is so goddamn wrong.

TK walks around until he finds the bathroom. He then strips down to his boxers and turns on the water of the shower. As the water warms up he brushes his hand across Hitler's signature mustache.

You have to be fucking kidding me. What the fuck is going on?

As TK says this out loud Jimmy walks through a door that magically comes out of nowhere.

Jesus, TK, you could be in anytime and this is where you end up? That's pretty crazy.

Who are you and where did you just come from?

Jimmy smiles not believing TK at first until he sees just how confused he is.

Wow, the Bastard accelerator really messed you up, huh?

Jimmy points to himself.

I'm Jimmy. You're Thunder Knuckles. We're not from this time. You went through the Bastard accelerator, which you shouldn't have done, keep that in mind. Anyway, I don't know how we're going to get you back but we got Bobby working on it right now.

Bobby?

Bobby Bourbon. Your... Tag Team partner and best friend.

TK looks around the room in awe because he doesn't understand what's going on.

For now, though, you're Hitler. We don't have much time. Tomorrow Hitler is scheduled to kill himself with cyanide capsules.

Wait... I die... Tomorrow?

No, man, we're going to get you out of here before that. All you have to do until we figure this out is sit tight and do as Hitler does. I know you don't understand. Hell, I don't know if you ever will. Like I said you shouldn't have gone through the Bastard accelerator but we'll figure it out, TK.

Jimmy pulls out his trusty 2099 smartphone and presses some buttons. A doorway appears as it did before. Right before Jimmy starts stepping through the door he looks back at TK.

When in Rome, Thunder Knuckles, when in Rome.

TK looks bewildered and shakes his head in confusion.

What the fuck is going on?

Eva Braun walks into the bathroom.

You're not ready yet? Trudeau Janga is waiting on you outside. He said you have a meeting with Professor Hussein.

TK taking Jimmy's advice nods his head to Eva and steps into the shower with his boxers on.

Let me... Let me shower first, okay?

Eva smiles at him, turns around, and walks out of the bathroom. TK lets the warm water beat down on him and tries to figure out what exactly is going on.

Fuck me.

The scene fades to black but not before the words "To be continued" fade gently onto the bottom of your screen.

TK is sitting in BOB headquarters in front of the supercomputer. He’s looking at folders of the March Madness tournament. Jimmy walks in escorted by Mr. BOB.

Jimmy is here to see you.

Fuck me. Thanks, Mr. BOB.

Mr. BOB walks out of the room. Jimmy looks disappointed.

Thunder Knuckles, I got some bad news…

TK is obviously irritated still looking over folders of the talent entered into the tournament, or lack thereof.

Jimmy, not fucking now. I’m getting ready for the March Madness Tournament.

On your own?

TK is still looking down and mockingly lips the words “on your own”.

Yes, on my own dipshit. I will be fucking king. Your bad news better be that Bobby entered and we might have to fucking fight.

Not exactly… Bobby did enter but that’s not who you’re facing in the first round.

TK looks up from the folders that he’s holding in his hands.

Is it Bobby, goddamn them! I swear to fucking God!

TK tosses one of the folders across the room and a picture of Raion Kido falls to the floor face up.

No, you’re not facing Bobby at least right now.

TK looks relieved as he runs his hand from his forehead to the back of his head and scratches.

Good. That’s fucking good.

Jimmy looks down and starts making small circles with his left foot.

Well, what shit bag do I have huh? Super Dick, The walking STI Jenny Myst, Raidon Kid-O.

Jimmy is still making small circles with his foot.

No, um, it’s not Cavalry, Jenny, or Raion Kido. It’s actually-

Gage Coleman!

TK slams his hand down on the table with excitement. Jimmy stops his nervous tick.

Good!

TK's smile could light up the night sky.

I’m going to fuck that cock jockey up so bad he’s going to wish his mom had a fucking abortion!

Jimmy is really not looking forward to responding but does so anyway.

It’s not Cage Coleman. It’s Barney.

The goddamn dinosaur? You better be talking about the fucking dinosaur, Jimmy.

No. Green. Barney Green.

TK stares at Jimmy with a blank face. TK is waiting for the punchline of the obvious joke.

It’s not like I chose for you to face Barney.

TK continues to stare at Jimmy. His face is no longer black and you can see it turning red in anger.

It’s not like you have to-

Fuck you, Jimmy! Get it fixed! I’m not facing Barney in the first round.

TK waves off Jimmy dismissively and looks back down to his folders.

I can’t… Management has placed you against Barney and I can’t get it changed. It’s just the way it is. I can’t-

TK cuts off Jimmy from talking anymore.

“Can’t” never got shit done!

Jimmy can’t change the brackets and TK knows it.

Fine! Goddamn it!

TK sifts through his folders and pulls out Barney’s and begins looking through it. He almost immediately sits it down and puts his hands over his eyes and rubs them with his elbows on the table.

FUCK! Alright…

I know, Thunder Knuckles. He’s a good friend of yours.

No. He’s a goddamn legend and deserves respect. If I have to beat him to a goddamn pulp to be King of XWF that’s exactly what the fuck I’m going to have to do.

TK stands up and behind pacing. Jimmy tries to give him some intelligence that he’s gathered on Barney.

You know he’s not very sound in the ring. He’s got a high tolerance of pain but you can-

TK stops pacing and points at Jimmy.

You shut the fuck up right now!

TK puts his hand down and starts walking toward Jimmy.

I’m just saying, as far as the tournament goes... This isn’t a bad thing for you.

TK slaps Jimmy so hard that the spit in his mouth flys out.

I said, shut the fuck up! I know what I have to do and running Barney the fuck down isn’t on the goddamn top of my list. Barney taught me everything I needed to know about Xtreme rules. This mother fucker can take a beating and keep moving forward.

Jimmy is trying to regain his composure from being slapped so hard.

Barney just fought for the Anarchy Championship! It’s a goddamn shame that he has to get in the fucking ring with ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles. I’m going to have to show him and everyone else why 2022 is my goddamn year!

TK turns to the camera to address Barney personally.

Barney, goddamn it, I want your fucking best. I want the guy who fought the Tag Team Champions with Bobby Bourbon. Sure, you didn’t get the job done but I want that guy. Your heart and soul, mother fucker. I want everything you got, damn it! I will advance Barney, make no goddamn mistake. I won’t let your loss in this tournament go in vain. I’m going to the fucking top and I WILL BE FUC-KING!

TK shakes his head in disappointment.

Don't worry, Barn. When I lay the Thunder Strike in I won't half-ass it and you're going to be out cold. I won't make you roll around in pain. I take no goddamn pleasure in what I'm going to do to you. It's all business and in this business sometimes you have to fight friends.

Jimmy looks at TK because he's never called him a friend before. TK glances over and notices Jimmy's facial expression.

Yes, I said friend. Yeah, he was BOB's intern but he worked hard and proved to be a great friend. Barney has been there through thick and thin with us. Nothing will change after the match. I'll help his knocked-out ass up and carry him to the back If I have to but he will lose, Jimmy. This I fucking promise you.

Jimmy nods knowing TK is going to do what he has to do.

Good. We worked too hard to get to this point, Thunder Knuckles. You can't let your feelings dictate your future. You're destined to be King. They all still think you're a joke. Now it's time to make them see you for who you are.

That comes in time, Jimmy. This tournament is only a stepping stone one I plan to launch into something fucking much, much, more.

I know exactly what your plan is Thunder Knuckles. Honestly, it's the best plan you've ever come up with.

TK scoffs because he always has great ideas. He then looks back into the camera to address Barney again.

Barney, do what you have to do. Say what you have to say to sike yourself up and to feel empowered.

You the viewer can see how mad TK is having to go up against one of his friends.

Hell, throw a damn tantrum because if you want this to become a contest of who can lose their composure the most I will put my fist-

TK red-faced mad screams and points to the camera.

-THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULL!

TK closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before saying his next words.

Now... Turn this shit off. I'm done for now.

The cameraman does as TK wishes and the scene fades to black like every TK promo ever.