Tucker Carlson: “Hello everyone and welcome to Tucker Carlson tonight. I’m here to bring to you the most conspiracy-fueled…… ehem….. Sorry AUTHENTIC NEWS to ever be broadcast by any network in the history of ever. This program is the most important fucking thing on the planet and it’s obvious that anyone in America right now that doesn’t know how to get on the internet and is still trapped in the 90’s cable television world watches this show. The ratings prove it, and will happily brag about it constantly on an almost hourly basis. Eat shit CNN and your diversified staff, because we win this shit with hot bimbling blonde chics and white males with strong jawlines. Facts mother fuckers, that’s the only thing you’ll ever see from us here, as we are verifiably able to prove that Joe Biden is in fact mentally deranged, inept, and shits his pants after eating too much tapioca pudding on Tuesdays with his brunch. . We have the fucking fecal matter facts to prove it right here in my right hand.”

**Tucker holds up a turd in his right hand and then throws it over his shoulder. He then swivels his chair all the way around and does a complete circle, then slams his fists back down on the desk as hard as physically possible and screams at the top of his lungs.**

Tucker Carlson: “HILLARY CLINTON! That’s right, that no good dirty bitch is back up to no good and sucking as much dick as the G.I.L.F porno fans can choke down their throat. That’s ‘grandmother I’d like to fuck’ for all you pre-millennial baby boomin’ bitches out there that mostly watch this network. What is ol’ Hill-dawg up to doing now? What she always does is steal the limelight from our former dictator-in-chief and the greatest man to ever live, Donald Trump. Hillary won’t shut the hell up about this silly little thing that isn’t even true. The insurrection on January 6th didn’t really happen and what you actually saw was a bunch of space alien robots hacked into by special secret magical Russian hackers to stage the entire coup!”

**He does another complete spin around in his swiveling chair this time in the opposite direction, slamming his fists on the desk again and screaming even louder than the first time.**

Tucker Carlson: “VLADIMIR PUTIN! God damn guy! I mean, come on bro? Duh fuq? This network has been singing your praise for years and saying you weren’t a threat and now look what you did did? Trump called you a genius for invading U-Crane so I guess I can applaud that, but personally not even SATAN! Is a fan of shit bags like you. Eat shit and die, Vlad! Suck a bag of dicks and quit destabilizing the planet you whining midget mind-fucked minion of misinformation. The only difference between you and Adolph Hitler is that Hitler was actually good at being a conniving little cunt. You couldn’t hold a candle next to Joseph Stalin because that would mean your balls would have to drop, which attacking a country eleven times smaller than you for no good reason is somewhere around the little bitch boy status. No more time for games and tricks and time to move on to something most important! The biggest conspiracy theory…. ehem. …. Authentic news story affecting everyone right now, is the return of the Unknown Soldier in the XWF! We all know that his return was one of the most interesting and unique things to happen to the federation and this world in years and that in his giant grandstanding return, he was deliberately CHEATED out of a win by none other than the long time resident XWF Vinnie Lane.”

**Tucker is interrupted by the sound of the demonic do-badder himself.**

Unknown Soldier: “That’s right Tucker! Vinnie Lane has once again fucked me from behind without providing so much as even a smidgen of lube or even a reach around! For you see, the no-good rat bastard hid my previous promo tapes here in the XWF which gave Alias the leverage in the match he needed to defeat me last week Tuck. Can I call you Tuck?”

**Tucker Carlson wags his head in agreement with his tongue hanging out like an obedient dog.**

Unknown Soldier: “For the past year he’s hidden my tapes from my previous promos, probably pounding off to them in his basement, and it gave Alias the advantage in our match.”

Tucker Carlson: “How do you explain that exactly? You would think that if he had your tapes it would actually make him keener to your tactics in the ring. Wouldn’t you think if they were hidden that he would actually have more of a disadvantage? I’m not really sure you’re making a lot of sense here Soldgy? Can I call you Soldgy, everyone else is doing it?”

Unknown Soldier: “This is Fox News, Tuck, nothing here ever makes any damn sense! Just know that Vinnie is out to get me and that’s more blatantly obvious than Joe Biden stealing the election from Donald Trump! In fact, we plan on rectifying the situation in the same strategy as Donald Trump was fixing his election loss by suing the hell out of Vinnie for $666,666,666,666,666.666 and then provoking a bunch of brainwashed baboons to charge the XWF headquarters and overthrow him on his pink throne !”

Tucker Carlson: “Those are some pretty serious treason-like threats there, Soldgy? Don’t you think you’re going a little too far and think that Vinnie Lane has a lot more things going on in his life to spend time giving a shit about you and your previous promos?”

Unknown Soldier: “Absolutely not, Tuck! Vinnie has been out to get me since the day I set foot in this federation, there’s no fucking conspiracy about it. I mean, just look who he booked me against this week. Chameleon? What the fuck is he trying to say that I’m trying to blend back into the fray here and forget about my past?”

Tucker Carlson: “I think it’s probably just some random guy on the card he pulled out of his ass and decided to book you against him.”

Unknown Soldier: “NOT! That son of a bitch definitely had some inner meaning subliminal hocus pocus cockamamie scheme to fuck me any chance he can! Well guess what Vinnie, I’m onto you and I’m going to get the best lawyers and detectives to look into why you decided to erase ME! From existence.”

Tucker Carlson: “But all your promos are back now, they’ve been added to the vault. Why do you care so much.”

Unknown Soldier: “Because I never lose, Tuck, and especially not to some poetic pissant who thinks it’s funny to use condescending cliche catchphrases as a way to insult people There absolutely has to be some kind of explanation and whenever there’s a problem for me I’m always going to blame Vinnie Lane!”

Tucker Carlson; “As I said at the beginning of this show, this is the place where the truth comes out! I think you just said it best right there as we fade to that fat mother fucking slob Sean Hannity.”


Unknown Soldier: “Let’s face it, folks, Chamelon is a cock sucker. I mean it, just take a long look at his face and take a long look down that black hole of a gullet of his and you can tell the guy can take a giant dick in it. When I watch one of his promos I’m not really sure if this guy knows if he’s a foot or horseback. I’m leaping from outside his brain, to inside his brain, to some other planet, and then to some other dimension. Look I watched that new Matrix movie already and I saw Keanu crucify his legacy shortly before I passed the fuck out because it was way too long and boring. Just like a Chameleon caption or anything you ever are forced to drag yourself through when watching him and you realize the best he can come up with is copying his opponent? What like Reptile in Mortal Kombat? That’s really clever you stupid cuck! That’s like standing aside and letting your brother fuck your girlfriend while you try to cry and masturbate in the corner. What’s his finisher? On the chest or on the face? You better take notes on that shit and remember because if you’re going to be a little copycat little cocksucking bitch you better get that shit right.

Unknown Soldier: “I bet you were the kid in school that sat in the front right in front of the teacher. Taking notes and being an obedient little brown-nosing goody two shoes. I really look forward to seeing you copy me when I whip my dick out and we can play swords like we were Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi. A mirror image. Like the Shadow Link in Zelda or the Simon says light up memory game. That’s all you really are is a copycat cliche of a cunt that really can’t come up with anything clever on his own, so he has to create a fantasy in which to live out his adoration for another. Watch and follow my lead, as we fade this the fuck out.”

**Soldier takes off his pants and lays on his back and lifts his legs up over his head as he prepares to insert his own demon dicked member into his large gaping mouth hole.**

Unknown Soldier: “Copy me Chameleon and show me what a cock sucker you really are! Just like Vladimir Putin is trying to copy Adolph Hitler! Will all suck cocks in hell together!”

**The scene ends before the most grotesque scene in the history of wrestling promos can take place.**