The elderly priest nodded solemnly as he hobbled away from the podium and left the stage. Some sniffling and crying was heard throughout the gathered congregation spread around the sanctum. The priest nodded to a suit wearing Charlie Nickles as he prepared to take the stage himself. The priest raised a judgemental eyebrow as he noticed the 24/7 Freestyle Championship wrapped around The Nickleman’s suit jacket. Charlie rolled his head in a slow circle on his neck before he glanced back down at the printed out pages in his hands. The Nickleman wiped away a single bead of perspiration as he walked up to the podium and placed his pre-written speech down on top of it.

Charlie clears his throat as he looks out over the predominantly Mexican crowd. As the former champion’s gaze rolled through the dejected attendees he couldn’t help but pause as his eyes landed on an old familiar friend.

Dolly Waters nodded at Charlie from the pew as he shuffled his papers one last time. She was taken aback when The Nickleman winked at her from up on high. Before Charlie began his speech he started softly tapping the wooden podium top. The spirit of Jesus Christ looks down at Charlie disapprovingly from the mounted cross on the wall behind the podium.

We are here today to join in the celebration of life. So wipe your tears, blow your noses, and open up your hearts as we commemorate Maria Gonzalez’s life this evening. I know she touched all of us in this room, but I should let it be known: Maria likely touched me more than she ever touched most of you. She touched me a lot, and I touched her, too. Maria touched me in ways you could never even imagine, and every few months I can’t help but drop trow and start remembering all the beautiful ways she touched me. I’m not too proud of a man to admit that I’ve been lonely since I lost my Goldilocks, and in moments of weakness I can’t help but reminisce about my previous sexual conquests.

The bond between Maria and I was strong- so strong, in fact, that I suspect many of you yodels and yahoos down here can’t even begin to relate to it. The type of relationships that I was willing to give Maria is rare, incredibly rare. Her and I had the kind of bond that is almost impossible for humans to break. While Maria was nowhere close to my precious Goldilocks in terms of beauty, importance, prestige, talent, or vaginal tightness she was still a valuable fuckbuddy in her own right.

The crowd murmurs loudly in discontent as Charlie Nickles licks his finger before using it to flip the first page of his speech over. You can almost swear that Jesus Christ on the cross is looking down at tonight's events with a sorrowful sob.

I don’t think Maria Gonzalez ever truly understood what a friends with benefits situation was, but I’ll tell you this: she understood professional wrestling better than anyone else I’ve ever met. Maria Gonzalez, for all her faults and flaws, was a true woman of the business. She was nothing like most of these other broads that run around the industry today, that’s for damn sure. Maria genuinely respected this sport and she had genuine belief in her abilities inside that ring.

That’s why Maria never had to use sex to sell tickets or move merchadise. That’s how we know that Maria Gonzalez was a legitimate luchadorA, and not just another shooting star ring rat. We need to remember Maria Gonzalez’s life when she was at her best, when she was riding my cock and training hard for all her championship matches.

See……

Boos reverberate from the crowd as Maria’s close friends and family begin to grow restless. We cut to a brief shot of Dolly Waters staring daggers up at the stage. Latina Submission Machina is nowhere to be seen as Charlie chuckles softly to himself during her mother’s eulogy.

There are three types of women that make it big in the world of pro wrestling. There are great women, there are good women, and then there are dirty ring rats who do nothing but leech off of whatever weak man they can dig their claws into.

Goldilocks is a great woman. She is the greatest woman in the world of professional wrestling, in fact. Her lustrous beauty has a shine that is unmatched. She is a glowing, living, breathing monument to the excellence and tradition of the X-treme Wrestling Federation. She’s the kind of woman every man, and even most women, dream about.

Maria Gonazalez wasn’t a great woman like Goldilocks, but don’t you dare hold that against her! We can’t all become divinity incarnate, that’s just not how destiny works. That’s why we have to appreciate good women like Maria on their own merits.

Various voices in the crowd rise in objection to the eulogy.

¡Idiota!

¡Cállate!

¡Bájate del escenario!

Charlie brushed off the hecklers with ease. Being the single most controversial wrestler in today’s XWF seems to have thickened Charlie’s skin.

Maria Gonzalez actually had the chops to make it in the world of professional wrestling on her own merits. Her credentials are unquestionable, her legacy has more than been solidified. Her career has proven this fundamental axiom true: women can be just as capable and successful inside of the squared circle as men.

While good women like Maria may appear small and insignificant when compared to golden greatness, that should by no means be the standard! For us to really appreciate all that Maria offered this world, I say we turn our heads…...up. Towards space.

Please, do as I do.

Charlie looks up towards the ceiling of the Our Lady of Guadalupe Cathedral. He is the only person in the church who does so. Most everyone else is either crossing their arms, looking away, or standing up to leave.

If we really want to appreciate Maria’s earthly presence we need only look at the travesties that come to us from space. The bad women come from outer space….

I never knew my ex-wife Connie was a space alien time traveler, but the clues are all starting to fit together. I mean, I know none of you know the bitch, but she’s an awful lot like that Betsy Granger.

Narcissistic and deluded.

These disgusting traits are all too common among professional wrestling’s shooting stars. This little quartet of words could describe nearly 2/3rds of what used to be the XWF’s most pathetic and overrated division. Jenny Myst? A pathological narcissist, Doc’ can attest to that. And Deluded? Well, that’s about the best damn word there is to describe Dukey’s little pay per view efforts.

Maria Gonazalez was neither narcissistic nor deluded. She eschewed these traits and proved to be the real latina deal. That’s why Maria’s a good woman.

Betsy Granger, however? She checks all those boxes over and over and over again. It’s like common sense and mild manners are absolutely alien to that time traveling xenomorph. Let’s just run down the list. Hearing about Betsy’s personal failings will help shine a light on the phenomenal successes of Maria Gonazalez, a Charlie-certified good woman.

¡Deja de hacer esto sobre ti! ¡Esto es por María, bastardo!

Charlie Nickles looked up from his pre-written speech to give a toothy grin and a clueless thumbs up to the middle-aged man who interjected. The Nickleman flipped to the next page of the eulogy as he continued his offensive tirade.

Deluded? Check.

Let’s just say that Derek Jeter, Kobe Bryant, and Dirk Nowitzki never had to brag about how many different leagues they played in. You don’t hear too many guys in the NFL bragging about picking up a second job in arena football to pay the bills in the offseason!

I did what Betsy Granger is doing now for TWENTY YEARS, and it was absolute DOGSHIT. Having to travel from company to company, with no stability and no guarantees on whether you’ll have a job there next week? That’s not something to brag about! I was absolutely ecstatic to sign a full-time contract with the XWF that keeps me here full time.

I only wonder why they wouldn’t offer Betsy a similar contract. I don’t like Betsy anymore than the XWF’s lawyers after her latest FCC violation, but even I don’t think she should have to bust her ass in all these minor league federations!

But hell, let’s put all that minor league fuckery to the side for a moment. Betsy’s delusions run far deeper than just misplaced braggadocio. I mean, by God, she’s given herself a ridiculous case of self-induced amnesia! She had the gall to ask ME, of ALL people, what I’ve accomplished in the last twelve months!

ME! OF ALL PEOPLE!

While wearing the TV championship belt around her waist, she asked me what I’ve done this year! I have managed to accomplish more in the last year than Betsy Granger ever will in her entire career: point blank, period. I held Goldilocks for longer than Betsy Granger will ever hold any championship belt, EVER, no matter where she competes! She couldn’t hold the my little pony league participation trophy for as long as I held onto the most defended belt in XWF history. Betsy couldn’t even sniff the halfway point of my reign with the Shooting Star Championship!

But let’s put legendary championship runs aside. I drafted a better war games team than Betsy DESPITE having a worse picking number! Then my team competed in the finals while Betsy’s salty ass sucked on a bird-sized pecker on the sidelines! You know, kind of like what happened at March Madness. Betsy can claim she ‘won the night’ all she wants, those kinds of moral victories have never interested me. Moral victories were never of any interest to Maria, either, because she had the skills to earn REAL victories…....but let’s move on.

The crowd’s boos grow louder and louder but Charlie Nickles remains unperturbed as he carries on his thoughtful eulogization of LSM’s madre.

¡Eres el estúpido!

More people get up and walk out of the cathedral as one middle-aged man in particular seems to be getting increasingly agitated.

Narcissist? Check.

This one is self-evident! FUCK!

Charlie Nickles looks back at Jesus Christ on the cross behind him. Charlie smiles at Jesus and tips his imaginary cap to him.

I mean, HOLY fuck!

As Charlie turns back to speak to the enraged crowd you could swear Jesus seemed to be staring judgmentally into The Nickleman’s soul...

That woman did exactly what I predicted she would do last week: she made this entire match about herself!

¡Deja de hablar de tu pareja, idiota! ¡Esto es un funeral!

She thinks I’m entering The Barclays Center with the sole intent to maim and kill Betsy Granger? By God, I have that ego-tripping fraudster shaking in her boots already. No wonder she is having such scary dreams, she literally thinks she is going to die tomorrow night…..when in reality, the only thing I care about is leaving The Barclays Center with my Goldilocks. Whatever else happens, happens. If it just takes one Devil Hook Drop to the head to maim or kill Betsy well, that’s not really my problem, is it?

Well….I suppose the time has come to say our final goodbyes.

Charlie Nickles looks out at the crowd now, which has thinned to just two people- an angry middle aged man and Dolly Waters. Charlie shrugs before turning back to face the open coffin set up behind him. He steps up to Maria’s stiff corpse and brushes his hand tenderly against her cheek. He kneels down in front of her corpse and whispers into her ear.

¡ALÉJESE DE ELLA, FALSO ENFERMO!

BANG BANG BANG

BANG BANG BANG

Six shots from a revolver ring out in the sanctum as the middle aged man stands up and starts shooting the stage from his pew. Dolly Waters screams as she tries to grab her crutches. Charlie Nickles instinctively ducks. He feels a bullet graze his shoulders as he dives beneath the coffin. He hears another three bullets rip through the walls behind him.

The shooting stops.

The sound of the gunfire is immediately familiar to Charlie. He recognizes it as the exact same type of gunfire he heard the night someone made an attempt on his life.

¡Voy a sacar a este hijo de puta para siempre esta vez!

Charlie hears the sound of someone reloading a revolver. From beneath the lifted coffin he looks at the back wall and up at the cross. Charlie sees a streak of red ichor running down Jesus’s crown of thorns from a small hole in his head. Charlie slides out from beneath the coffin hurriedly. As he picks himself up to his feet he sees that the final bullet went through the coffin. Charlie is downright mortified to see that the stray bullet went through Maria’s head inside of the coffin, as well. Brain matter and blood are splattered across the pillowy inside of the coffin causing Charlie to scream bloody murder.

Charlie!

Charlie looks over at Dolly Waters who is struggling to stand with her crutches. He then looks over at the shooter who is reloading his firearm. The man accidentally lets the bullet casings slip through his fingers. The shooter glares up at Charlie before scurrying down to the ground to reload his munitions. Charlie takes a mental picture of the man before sprinting over to Dolly Waters.

Charlie picks Dolly up by the waist and flings her over his shoulders as he hears a pistol being cocked back. Charlie and Dolly burst through the doors of the cathedral as he hears another stream of gunfire go off. Charlie runs off in the distance with Dolly Waters over his shoulder as the shooter steps up to the doors of the cathedral wistfully. He glares out into the horizon and promises ultimate revenge as he hears sirens closing in.

Fade to black.

APPROXIMATELY THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER…...


Charlie and Dolly are standing next to each other in some nondescript room in the back of a church. Dolly is on crutches and wearing black pants and a black, buttoned-up overcoat. Charlie is wearing a nice suit and looking down at a stack of papers, reading the words on the pages silently to himself.

I hope you weren’t planning to say anything, I’m not sure Robyn wants that….

I have to speak. I have an epic speech ready.

You should at least let me look at it beforehand.

A worried expression flashed across Dolly’s face as Charlie looked at her. He shrugged and agreed.

Sure. I have another copy here so you can read it while I keep practicing.

Charlie reached into his suit coat and pulled out a slightly smaller stack of papers. Dolly didn’t seem to notice the difference.

You came this prepared?

Maria meant a lot to me. I wanted to make sure I got this right, and ever since I left my notes in a Denny’s bathroom at my Uncle Leo’s funeral I’ve always made sure to bring an extra copy.

Dolly looks over the speech as Charlie continues to practice.

You know, this is actually pretty good Charlie!

She hands the decoy speech back to Charlie.

Thanks, Dolly. I worked really hard on this whole setup

I can see that!

Dolly flashes a smile at Charlie as he tucks both speeches into his suitcoat.

“Ugh, what are you doing here?”

LSM walks into the room and leans on the doorframe, crossing her arms as she stares at Charlie.

Look, LSM, I know we got off to a rocky start….but I have something you’re going to want to see.

Keep your cock in your pants you fucking weirdo!

LSM glared at Charlie. Dolly looked at LSM with surprise: she’d never heard her speak like such a sailor before, nor with such contempt.

I have something from your mom. A handwritten letter.

A-what?

Charlie reached into his suit coat and walked up to LSM. He pulled out a wrinkled letter with beautiful Spanish cursive on it. He handed it to LSM, who looked down at it briefly before looking back up at Charlie.

What’s it say?

I don’t know, it’s in spanish. Your mother gave it to me right before I left Mexico and that wrestling camp for good.

Charlie looks around his immediate surroundings

Well, or so I thought. But it’s in Spanish, I’ve never been able to read it. I have no idea what it says, but I thought you might like to have something from your mom’s younger days.

Charlie, I don’t know what to say. This is so nice. This- this…..

LSM looked down at the letter Maria wrote to Charlie and began reading it. Dolly looked on with a warm heart and a big smile.

About ten seconds of healing and tenderness go by before LSM immediately turns red hot and starts screaming at Charlie.

¡MADRE PADRE! ¡NO NO! ¡ESO NO! ¡ESO NO! ¡ESTO TIENE QUE SER FALSO! ¡¿POR QUÉ FALSARÍAS ESTO ?! ¡DEBO MATARTE!

What’s she saying, Dolly?!

I don’t know Charlie, I don't speak Spanish that well- but I think she’s saying it has to be fake!

No LSM, it’s not fake! Your mother really wrote that for me about twenty or so years ago!

¡¿QUÉ ESTAS DICIENDO?! ¡NO ERES MI PADRE! ¡NO! ¡MI MAMÁ NUNCA LO HARÍA!

LSM looked at the letter with tears in her eyes then up to Charlie in disgust. She held onto the letter as she ran out of the room in tears.

What did you do?!

I just gave her that letter!

What did it say?!

I don’t know, I don’t speak spanish!

Didn’t you ever think to google translate it?!?!

Charlie looked back at Dolly with embarrassment as the scene faded to black.