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JimCaedus Offline
Trash Talker Skywalker



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(loved by some; hated by some; dips between clean/dirty)


#1
11-15-2021, 11:41 PM

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CAEDUS REWIND: In an effort to get a little insight into his storied history with Micheal Graves, Jim Caedus, alongside his pyromancer gf Arcana, took a trip to Disneyland in order to retrace his steps/alleged time spent with Graves and Cadryn in 2017. Following a jaunt down memory lane, Jim found himself struggling to recall the genesis of a now alleged friendship. Believing the answer lie in the Burning Settler's Cabin on Tom Sawyer's Island, Jim and Arcana- after a brief but heavy quarrel -gained access...





The sudden lurch from the floorboards beneath Jim's feet here in the cabin in 2021 jars him rudely from his memories. He looks to his feet, spying the rotting wood bowing under his weight.



From the doorway. Jimmy? What's wrong.


She steps towards him. Baby WAIT-



Too late, her added weight, though minimal, is more than enough-


-and the couple find themselves crashing through the floor...


An inordinate amount of time later...


Coughing amidst the dust, Jim rises to his feet and glances around the chamber in which he now finds himself. Arcana is nowhere to be seen.


The chamber is bare save for the pipes that once fueled the fire for the Burning Settler's Cabin above and a single door set into the earthen wall. A set of stairs- long reduced to a skeletal outline of what used to allow access between cabin and basement -or what's left of them, offers no alternative beyond the door.


Before Jim can take his first step in the door's direction however, the knob turns and it slowly opens.


Our antihero's jaw drops as he pins the provider of what we hear next with a stare of disbelief.



Jim Caedus. Finally.




Continue directly from "Behind the Bromance P.1" in A Burial For Graves
http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=42195&pid=170135#pid170135




"Behind the Bromance P.2"




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WALT!?



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Cheerful as FUCK. Well hello Jim! Surprised? He chuckles.


_I_ am, sure, but I'm bettin' a viewer or two called it. It's Disneyland, who else would it be? Micheal Graves after havin' flamboyantly freaky fridayed his way into Arcana's body to get revenge on me by allowin' 'imself at the very least the ability to say "Hey Jim, I was inside your girlfriend" but not before I'm also tricked into literally fuckin' 'im and someone tapes the act like was done to Boss Lane so as to secure a source 'a blackmail as well and force me to surrender my title and my pride (both ego and testicles), effectively assassinating the name Jim Caedus so Jim Caedus like, snaps and ascends a tower and goes all Charles Whitman on erryone's ass before he deep throats the barrel 'imself and takes a hot shot oralpie?



And Jim bursts into laughter and Walt bursts into laughter and out in his van in the parking structure the guy operating the XWF drone- Chet -Chet bursts into laughter and a good laugh was had by all.



Wiping a tear. So anyhoo, hey Walt?


Also wiping a tear. Yes Jim?


You're dead, bro. And I mean, DEAD dead; as in, your family totally fucked you outta your final wishes to wait out a cure for cancer and be cryogenically frozen.


Yes, I'm afraid I didn't make the request legally binding.


Mhm. So then you know they had you cremated instead, cheapest way to dispose 'a human remains.


They really burned me there, didn't they, Walt retorts with another light-hearted chuckle.


Nice. But yeah, they did. You're ashes, Walter. much as I hate t'admit it. Therefore, YOU ain't really YOU and I'ma go ahead and safely assume that in context with my current sitch, it's more than likely Micheal Graves is jackin'-off inside that convenient facade so I'm about a second away from rippin' your arms outta the sockets and usin' YOUR hands to dig MY way outta here.


Another chuckle. Well...you're not wrong and you are. If I might pose a riddle. Produces and lights a cigarette, a twinkle in his eye.


🤔 I think I heard this one before... This the one where Caedus delivers the LITERAL punchline into the mouth and through the back 'a "Walt's" skull then comedically freaks out 'cause said head gets stuck on Jim's forearm and he panics attemptin' to remove it, crashin' into shit while the Benny Hill theme plays and inexplicably present bitches in bikinis join in? I LOVE that one.


A punchline would be more a joke than a riddle, Jim.


Grabbing Walt by the shit front and cocking back with his free fist. Pissin' me off, ya smartass family friendly fuck. Don't call my bluff.


Jim, I am Walter Elias Disney born December 5th, 1901 and I am very much looking forward to turning 120 years young ::chuckle:: in less than a month's time, so if you wouldn't mind... Walt gently places his free hand on Jim's shirt-clutching fist which slackens and relinquishes it's grip. I appreciate that you must be as perplexed as can be about all of this.


At this point I just wanna know where my girl is. Where's Arcana?


Cordially puts his free arm around Jim's back as he draws from the cancer stick and exhales a plume of smoke. Come with me; all the answers you seek are down this subterranean passage.


As they leave our POV behind... Yeah? Better be a good answer down there for turnin' my Star Wars novel collection from official canon to "Legends" after the Lucasfilm property purchase, ya prick. I'm not investin' in the new crap.


Don't be such an oldhead Jim.



===========================



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Y'know what Gravy?


For someone who was tryin' so hard to look and sound so sorry and meek in 'is cold open- doin' exactly what I theorized in my own you would do in light 'a the opt in "old friend" fake fuckery before I publicly accepted your public challenge I might add -you sure as hell IMMEDIATELY switched gears into the next two like the bipolar maniac you are.


Couldn't keep the facade goin' could ya. Sucks when you choose a botch avenue and paint yourself into a corner amirite? Leaves you no allowance for consistency movin' forward and leaves you lookin' like not only a liar but a pussy and a mental weakling who can't figure out how to progress with his OWN dumbass strategy.


Gee, what a shock...Micheal Graves couldn't pull off another bright idea. My how he's changed.


Just had to jump the gun seein' as all you received was silence on my end. Yeah I thought as much. You always did display a tendency towards impatience and an inability to control that temper. I knew you'd expend all your ammo then turn, bend over, spread and present brown-eye for Big Dick Daddy.


This is where the whole "knowin' your opponent" comes into play, FYI.


Like the psycho ex kicked to the curb desperately makin' promises that you've changed to win back the one you've lost...all it took was the test 'a time for me to see you snap again and prove you're as fulla shit as I said you are.


Oh and for what it's worth, there ain't a damn thing you can say to "at the very least, excuse" what you've done. I don't forgive you, you've no excuses, all you can offer are explanations and I'ma tell y'right now, whether ANY of that's sincere or not...


I don't give a fuck.


If I truly felt sated back then followin' the Big Ben Brawl, it's worn off. I'm hungry again for private justice, jag-off. Fires stoked and I intend to collect in 48 hours.


Hey it's no worries though, I'm glad you're still so outta control 'a yourself. You can bet I'll be capitalizing on that in the match.


Wanna prove you're truly sorry?


Drop to your knees in the ring for me, bitch, and before you drain my nuts you can try sommore 'a that Ric Flair-like pleadin' off you portrayed in "Going Home".


Apologize to me you filthy whore.


I wanna hear those apologies as I stand above you lookin' down into those empty eyes I so desire to see grotesquely adorably and forcibly ejected from their sockets by your brain matter when I stomp your third eye with such high PSI it makes a dish 'a your forehead and leaves you frontrunner for best costume as Large fuckin' Marge.



[Image: y53UrYP.gif]



Tell me again that you love me, Graves, down there poised to suck. Tell me you love me before you inhale this cock and I pump you fulla so much semen you explode like Mr. Stay Puft and smother that schmuck Walter Peck from the EPA in the front row with an avalanche 'a my sticky white goo.


"I'm sorry Jim." "I love you Jim."


Pathetic.


"I'm sorry, I love you."


Fuck off Graves.


You love lyin'.


You love fringe-niche nincompoopery with your D movie script abortions.


You love teen and preteen girls...WAY too much man, wtf. You're beyond inappropriate, pissant, and you're beyond borderline criminal.


You love all those things- and lunch meat. And losing. And probably forcin' your own fake kids to watch you fake fuck your fake wife, you incomparably perverse punchline -but you don't love me.


Ya definitely won't after I'm done with you. You wanna make a new name for yourself so badly bro? It ain't gonna start with me. Idgaf if you manage to pull off the win, you'll be doing so as the same sack 'a cringe-worthy wasted airtime you've been since droppin' the Dark Weapon Gehenna schtick (that was you, right? I wasn't there for it and it gets so difficult keepin' track among your plethora of stillborn brainstorms I witnessed) and more than likely the next man up to bat, Bam Miller, will knock one outta the park- "one" bein' your head -and take it from you in your first defense. That alcoholic mongoloid ain't even had 'is first match yet, can't stand without swayin', yet somehow he's shinin' brighter already than you have in years.


Don't get too excited, Miller Time, fuckin' with me your future still aligns with your namesake: horse piss. All in good time...


As for you and that assuredly already throbbin' bunghole, Mikey, I ain't quite finished just yet...




===========================



We rejoin "Walt" and Jim as they reach the end of the tunnel at which point we see another fucking door.



Grasps the door handle then fractionally twists to speak over his shoulder to Jim. Are you ready? Behind this door... Twists back to the oak egress, affectionately running his fingertips down the wood. ...behind this door... All my deepest and- yes, even darkest secrets await. The answer to my being alive, the accumulated knowledge of humanity across millennia- there's things in here that even those amateurs in The Bilderberg Group know nothing about. Knowledge and objects they'd kill to possess. Magical items bestowing gifts of which they could only imagine. Historic artifacts; The Ark of the Covenant, the completed works of the Greek poet Sappho believed to be lost to time, the stillborn interspecies offspring of Roger and Jessica Rabbit...in short Jim ::chuckle:: if things don't work out, I may have to kill you to keep these secrets.


Sweet!


Highly confused, frowning. Hm? Turns.


Looking up. Daaaaaaaaaamn! Walt you gotta check this guy out; DJ Ari, he's a ref in the XWF but an aspiring rapper and I gotta say...this fan made YouTube video single off his "Mailroom Pimp" mixtape is FIRE.



Jim holds his phone out for Walt to view and cranes his head to watch along with him.







HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I fuckin' LOVE it, it's so simple it's brill!! I saw 'im first Walt, ya greedy bastard, y'ain't snatchin' THIS gold mine! I mean, c'mon, tell me this guy ain't a genius.



Jim looks up, grinning, to see a deadpan Mr. Disney- who allows the expression to linger -before turning back to the door, grabbing the knob and twisting.



Jim Caedus...I am pleased to present-



He pushes the door open...
















[Image: EZy5ZtT.jpg]




-the true...Vault Disney. Enchanted by the grandeur of his own creation, Walt's jaw drops, his eyes widen, as he takes it all in. Magnificent isn't it? Those ornate carvings are perfect replicas of famous paintings. The crystal chandeliers-


It's another tunnel goddammit. And I see no antiquities, magical or historic. And you literally were just in here before retrieving me so why the fuck are you so awestruck, by your own shit no less, ya narcissistic megalomani- Oh, right.


...Hold up...how the hell'ja even know I was gonna come crashin' through the Burning Settler's Cabin floor in the first place? I'd ask how you know WHO I am also but that's no great mystery.



Jim offers a cocky grin, dusting his shoulder clean of nonexistent soil before flexing.


Oh I deplore professional wrestling, Jim. Half naked grown men rolling around together in a ring? It's a bit creepy for my taste ::chuckle:: Grown men belong in a studio sweatbox illustrating humanoid ducks with no pants.


Fair enough.


The answer to your question...lies beyond the archway at the end of the hall. Begins walking Jim over.


If it's another hallway, I swear to Christ...



Jim and Walt traverse the artistically impressive second hallway and now halt before the massive double doors beneath the stone archway.



Running his fingers affectionately down the left door, lost in thought. Behind these doors, Jim...behind these d-


Would you shut the fuck up and open 'em already!?



Walt falls silent but remains with his back to Jim. His hand drops to his side-


-Jim is instantly on guard, reversing a step then sliding his right foot back and raising his fists.



It's difficult, dealing with you. I'm sure it's something you're probably aware of. Jim remains silent, unsure of how to respond, still poised to strike. I told you earlier, in reference to your belief Micheal Graves is inside of me that you are both right and wrong. I AM Walt Disney, Jim...but there is some Micheal Graves inside of me.


Fuckin' knew it-



Jim strikes- hard -a punch to the back of the head that would land one in the hospital-


-and Walt, without so much as turning around, reaches over his own right shoulder catching Jim's fist, absorbing the impact, with his left hand...


He spins slowly to face Jim, the latter of which gapes in disbelief- nevermind trying to pull his fist free.



I had hoped this would go smoother. He cinches his grip on Jim's fist forcing him to one knee in grunting pain. No matter. We can do it the hard way, Jim.



With his free hand, Walt opens the archway entrance revealing a massive subterranean chamber with hundreds of display cases containing the very same artifacts Walt had claimed earlier. There are dozens of doors set into the left and right walls, all closed.



Jim Caedus...welcome to Cult Micheal.


Growling through the pain. So fuckin' gay...


From our vantage point here we can also see a small group of people clad in dark purple robes gathered around some sort of large device none of us has ever seen before...though it probably reminds a lot of us of the machine Magneto had Rogue strapped into in the first X-Men movie. And there, where Rogue would be, stands none other than an unconscious Arcana...



KAIYA!!!



The golden nugget on a chain which mystically bestows the strength of two Caedae begins to glow beneath Jim's shirt like never before...Jim's skin itself beginning to radiate a faint golden hue.


Much to Walt's surprise, the fist he's currently crushing suddenly becomes as solid as steel. He turns to see Jim, eyes burning with rage, rising to his feet.



Impossible! Spies the glow beneath Jim's shirt and the chain peeking through the top of his collar. Ah, I see.



Jim pulls Walt into a POINT BLANK HEADBUTT-


-NO!! Walt- inexplicably swift -leans to the side to avoid the shot and grabs the chain with his free hand, removing it!!!! Delivering his own headbutt, Jim drops, his right arm extended, fist still in Walt's grip.



Studying the nugget as the glow begins to fade away. Fascinating... To Jim. Thank you Jim. I'll make good use of this. Now come along...we have much to do...



Our POV once more stays behind as we watch Walt Disney drag a helpless and unconscious Jim Caedus down the gentle grade to the awaiting gathering of Cult Micheal members...



TO BE CONTINUED...



===========================



Y'know what, Gravy?


For someone who refutes my accusations 'a you bein' the same static sunuvabitch I knew way back when by claimin' you've changed, y'still can't break old habits regardless 'a how hard you try.


Case in point, your tendency to rush I mentioned earlier.


Yeah that was a real humdinger of a bomb drop there bro, contradicting the fact- hold up, I wanna make sure everyone hears me clearly here...


THE FACT


-that _I_ saved you from the Thames following our Big Ben Brawl at King of the Ring 2017. Watch the footage, y'say? Who the fuck you think recorded and uploaded said footage you went diggin' for, dipshit?


Speak up, Micheal, we can't hear y- Oh right, I'm sorry. You're outta shots. No more responses.


Couldn't hold onto that "ace" hollow-point you were clearly itchin' to fire off until the last minute could ya. And if you had...y'woulda legit made me look like a jackass 😂


For a moment anyway.


If you hadn't jumped on that already nor unleashed your final by the time I reached my own for this hype cycle I guarantee you I would've still assumed you'd attack my choice 'a words and cut you off. S'ok though...now instead 'a havin' to preempt you I get to take pleasure in the notion you been sittin' around breathin' easy and most likely beatin' the fuck off non-stop in giddy anticipation you sick gimp.


Orgasm 'bout to get ruined, reject.


Dreams 'a diggin' free 'a the depths of infinite hackery 'bout to get flushed fuck-o.


Who uploaded that footage of you gettin' saved, Micheal?


I uploaded that footage.


Not the XWF.


Not you.


Me.


What's it matter? I'm still a liar? It was the emergency crew who rescued you?


Who the fuck you think called 'em, asshole?


Huh?


The XWF??


Fuck no, you kiddin' me?


Why would they?


Look at all the horrendous shit you pull. "Oh that was so long ago Jim, I've changed". Nah you shut the fuck up you cocksucker, that stupid shit with you and Gilly's dick JUST happened a few months ago. So did the Freaky Friday flop with you and Dolly exchangin' bodies 'cause I guess that stupid skank don't learn lessons.


You ain't changed. You're playin' a part for this hype cycle. You ain't sorry. You ain't my friend. You ain't clever and you ain't got shit on me.


Let's see what was the last we saw of Micheal Graves following the Big Ben Brawl before I uploaded the savin' of 'is wasted life.





Quote:Caedus picks up Graves’ motionless body and launches him head first into the Thames!!!!


Here is your winner: Jim Caedus


Graves rushes down the river as Caedus drops to his knees!


What a match! I don't believe what I have just witnessed! Jim Caedus seems to have won the war!!!

I doubt this will be the last we have seen of Michael Graves, who you have to say, has been one of the greatest characters in XWF history.




Woops.


Essentially, "there goes Graves, fuck it, bye dick". TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!


Ok, ok, so maybe the commentators did put a bit of a bow on it there for ya but still, there ain't no arguin' the XWF left you to fend for yourself and the reasoning behind it wasn't just the fact you were (and still are, FTR) a huge problem and an embarrassment for the company...it was because plenty 'a people were well aware 'a the word 'round the grapevine that Micheal Graves wanted to die. I mean shit, lookit whatcha been showin' everybody. You're insane. I still remember the time you chopped that imaginary fam 'a yours up with an axe.


Two birds, one stone. Fuck Graves. Let 'im die.


You're sorry for what you've done, Graves?


Bullshit.


But _I'm_ sorry I fucked up your escape from the life that, four years later, you're STILL bitchin' about (yeah, you've changed alright, asshat).


I shoulda let you drown. Instead...


Moments after dumpin' you into the Thames- the only way to win the match btw everybody, calm down -I felt compelled to retrieve my phone and dial 999- lucky for you they respond swiftly -after which I recorded that post match footage.


Is it any wonder the words "lil' ol' me had to drag your worthless bitchass outta there for the save" came to mind? If I HADN'T done somethin', you woulda drowned, dickhead.


Notice also how a substantial amount 'a time passes between the end of the match and that upload 'a mine with the timestamps? Our match wasn't an hour and a half long.


That space 'a time exists because I made sure you survived, "buddy". Soon as the additional footage ends, ol' Jimmy Caedus makes 'is way over to the paramedics, finds out where they're takin' you for recovery and heads on over. Didn't leave until I was told you were stable.


You're welcome you ungrateful prick.


Hell with the semantics snafu...happy you rushed now like you almost always do, Gravy?


I am.


It shows me you in fact haven't changed very much, if at all. It shows me you still make the same stupid mistakes. Shows you don't have the patience to take down a cautious opponent, much less one with the "rep" I tote.


Does it apply to the ring? Fuckin' A right it does.


Some people in this business seem to have a hard time understandin' just how telling the War of Words can be in context with the actual physical match. "Now I know you bein' such an idiot doesn't translate to the ring"- oh I beg to differ, for the hundredth time. You see a man who doesn't have the patience to properly wage verbal warfare, you see a man who exhibits how compulsive he is. Nervous. Unsure. You gonna tell me that doesn't follow through with 'is IN-RING actions?


Don't be absurd. That asshole is ALWAYS this way.


Micheal Graves, you fucked up and you'll do it again in the match like you always do. You're LUCKY you've been up against a few opponents who failed to recognize them in the moment...not so lucky with me. You'll make the mammoth or miniscule mistake that may very well tip the outcome in my favor and I'll capitalize on the opportunity like I do with every. Single. Victory.


Congratulations.


Your hasty hare ass definitely made sure to vindicate the title of your second promo:


"Fuck Shit Up"


lol...tortoise just fucked the hare.


Hack.




XXXTXOXRXTXOXIXSXEXXXTXRXUXMXPXSXXXHXAXRXEXXX



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