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X-treme Wrestling Federation BOARDS » Warfare Boards » "Wednesday Warfare" RP Board
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Bastard Knight
Author Message
Thunder Knuckles™ Offline
A No Good Bastard



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


Post: #1
10-19-2021 10:25 PM




[Image: G5J48jn.png]


Inside the Bastard’s Den, things have gone from bad to worse. Evangelical Christian would-be vampire hunters have left the vicinity, and a new, more terrifying evil has arrived, to whit, of course not a single evangelical could be seen to do a damn thing about it. A demon has summoned creepy looking ghouls to assail the club as Bleaker, some guy for all we know, has made it known he knows what’s happening.

I know what those things are. My name is Bleaker, and if you listen to me, we might survive.

The entire night club crowds around Bleaker to listen. Bobby leans over to TK and whispers.

Have you ever met this guy before?

Nah, he sounds like a fucking maniac.

Well, I mean, I’m open to suggestions, and he seems pretty confident he knows what we’re dealing with.

True, so long as he can make it so those goddamned demons don’t fuck up our carpet.

Someone turns and shushes TK and Bobby. Bobby looks right back at them, puts a hand to his lips, and shushes them back.

That’s fucking rude, bro!

I know!

As Bobby and TK carry on their side conversation, Bleaker continues to speak, but we’ve missed an awful lot of what he’s had to say. He’s described quite a bit to Lucky, the loveable loser of a postman, Janet, the no-nonsense grandma type, Norma, the down-on-her-luck ex-con looking to keep her nose clean and turn her life around, and a host of other regulars at the Bastard’s Den that even we didn’t know existed until now.

Think Ozzy is going to take the damn credit card away?

Nah, he doesn’t know we have it. I sign as “Willie Lee Buckner” whenever I use it.

Know what? That makes fucking sense. So that’s why Ozzy is always talking about doing something about Buckner or Willie Lee.

Don’t tell him.

Oh, I won’t, Bastards honor.

Cool.

As Bobby and TK pause, we overhear Bleaker who is still giving his long monologue.

...and it wasn’t just any kazoo band, no. It was an evil one…

I’m glad he’s handling this.

He is for now.

True, we’ll probably have to regulate here in a moment.

Bobby and TK exchange a very quiet no-look fistbump. As they do, Jimmy sidles up next to them.

Hey, what’d I miss?

The dishes!

Yeah, fucker, you’re supposed to be back there cleaning pots and pans!

I quit.

Don’t bullshit me, Jimmy! You know your ass ain’t going anywhere.

So help me, there will be so many laps in your future, young man.

We’re the same age.

Bobby shakes his head in disappointment.

So many laps.

Well, fuck, Bleaker has shit in order, and as owners of this fucking strip club, we owe it to the dancers and patrons to have clean cooking and eating ware.

You’re right.

...Then in the Seventies, I started a Gordon Lightfoot fan club…

He’s kinda rambling now anyhow, pretty sure he has all this demon nonsense covered. Time to make spatulas sparkle.


[Image: zJ0qLwu.png]





TK still dressed as Wolfman, and Bobby as Herman Munster, walk into the kitchen. This is where Jimmy should have already had the dishes done.

What the fuck, Jimmy?

What? I was-

TK slaps Jimmy as hard as he can sending Jimmy straight to the floor.

Take a lap.

Jimmy starts to walk away.

Nah, mother fucker, you’re going to stand your ass in the goddamn corner.

Like a child?

Fuck yeah, if he’s going to act like one, he needs to be fucking treated like one.

Jimmy looks more disappointed now than ever.

But, I-

TK raises his hand and Jimmy flinches.

In that goddamn corner, Jimmy! I didn’t fucking stutter.

Bobby looks over at TK and the both nod in silent agreement that if you want something done right, the Bastards will do it. Bobby starts running the water while TK grabs the industrial dish soap.

What can I say XWF fans around the world? Mark Flynn and North Korean War Criminal waited til the very end to finally utter our names. I can’t blame them.

TK pours in the soap to the water that Bobby has started. The water is not too hot, yet not cold at all, perfect in every way. Bobby grabs some of the dishes and places them into the water.

Warfare comes to the greatest state in the fucking union. Ohio! That’s right XWF fans ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles is coming home! You know goddamn well that Them No Good Bastards are going to show up and deliver beatings all over Cleveland because Derrick Diamond’s dumb ass has given the Bastards free reign, in this pin count any-goddamn-where match. We can pin these fucks anywhere we want. We might start out in the Firstenergy Stadium but the Bastards won’t stop there, fuck and no, we’ll beat these fools from the USS Cod to the Christmas Story house, from the Christmas Story house to Progressive Field, from there we’ll lay this shit box team, Mark Flynn and that dirty North Korean, to rest in Lake View Cemetery.


Yes, very good.

Thanks, Bobby.

No problem.

TK begins to scrub the dishes. This may be the most work TK has done in a while because the tag team division just isn’t posing much of a challenge anymore.

Us No Good Bastards are still cleaning out this division. Unfortunately, we had to waste so much time on the likes of Crycana, we haven't been able to give these new teams a chance to lose. Well, that stops now. You see, we don’t just intend to show up to Bad Medicine the XWF Tag Team Champions. Nope, we plan on main eventing. That’s right, Alias. We plan on taking that shit and making Bad Medicine the most talked about PPV of the goddamn year!

This division? No, bro, OUR division. Now, I heard Mark Flynn going off about how we should have an asterisk for our domination because of how weak the division is. Heh, that begs a few questions. Should we have an asterisk as XWF or OCW champs since we were the top of two different companies, and as pointed out in your last promo, it took highway robbery to deprive us of the latter championship. When you talk about how weak the division is, do you mean y’alls team or the list of teams we beat that you haven’t? Where do you want to put the asterisk? Do you have little stickers to put on our title belts after the match and we retain them? Is this the only place you’re interested in placing asterisks? Say you go to a vending machine, put in two dollars, boop the number selection for your favorite gigantic chocolate chip cookie, and whoopsie-doodles, the machine gives you an extra one for free, do we gotta put an asterisk on the second cookie for falling out since nobody paid for it? Do we put it on the machine for giving it to you? Do you dot your forehead with one since you shouldn’t have eaten it to begin with?

TK takes a step back from the dishes and Bobby takes over. Sharing an equal load, as they always do.

Mark, you really should have come forward and just been honest with yourself and by proxy all of us. All the two of you had to do was come forward, come clean, and admit “we got nothin’”. So far, you’ve pretty much said everything that this so called ‘weak’ division has already had to say about us, from the goofy belief that TK is getting carried, to claiming TK needs to have a singles match while cutting a promo for a tag team match, which makes no fucking sense whatsoever and isn’t even an insult, to bringing up past matches that have nothing to do with the world of trouble and hurt the two of you will be force fed at Warfare, to pointing out that a couple of guys who even call themselves No Good Bastards acted as such here and there as post-it notes tacked onto your little calendar helped you note. Congratulations on being water to the palate, you thinned out the colors already there and covered even less.

TK begins drying the dishes that have already been washed. Bobby continues washing away at a buffet tub of what was once filled with pink slime. Jimmy still in the corner tries to interject into the conversation.

T-

He is immediately cut off by TK, who turned around to make sure Jimmy is still nose in the corner.

I thought I told you to shut the fuck up, Jimmy?

It's important.

Nothing is more important than us defending our tag titles on Warfare!

I know but on Warfare word has it that-

JIMMY, I SWEAR TO ALL THAT'S FUCKING HOLY THAT I WILL END YOU IF YOU KEEP FUCKING TALKING!

Jimmy has information that TK would relish in. However, to not deal with the wrath of TK he doesn't say a word.

Much fucking better! The only Logical Conclusion for Mark Flynn is for him to face Corey for that new strap that Corey cashed in on.

The Super Continental?

Yeah, that shit. Anyway, he should fight for that belt because stepping up to us on Warfare will surely be The End of his tag team run with Criminal. It doesn’t matter how many North Korean Nuclear Arms Tests they run we’re taking them to SCHOOL, MAN.

I see what you did there.

At this point over half the dirty dishes are already done. Bobby moves away from the sink so that TK can slide in and take over. Bobby grabs a towel and drys his hands and starts drying the dishes he just got done washing.

So Mark “For Himself” Flynn and Not-So-Smooth Criminal…

TK purses his lips and looks at Bobby. He hovers his hand around his mid chest.

Meh.

No good?


No good.

Alrighty, you’re better at coming up with the silly versions of names of our opponents. So, Mark, uh, North, you two have the unfortunate chance to face us at just the wrong time. We got robbed, boys, and we need to send a message to everybody out there that, well, you don’t just fuck with us Bastards like that. So, much like we’re cleaning the dishes here, we’re going to wipe you guys out with the efficiency of your favorite antibacterial detergent. Y’all are some morsels clinging to the plate, some schmutz pasted onto the spoon, and some crud cooked into the casserole dish, add one drop of TNGB, and pow! The stains are gone!

Mark Flynn wanted to know if you guys were going to bring the smoke?

TK looks angrily to the corner Jimmy has his nose pressed in but he then shrugs like Shawn Warstien, at the annual Las Vegas shrugging championship held every October.

Against these two? Why the fuck would we do that? We had more-

TK makes air quotes, as he does Bobby takes over washing the dishes.

“difficulties” with TOMMY FUCKING WISH!

TK girn could only be described as asinine, he grabs a towel and brings drying the dishes he had just finished washing.

Honestly though, what's next from these two drizzling shits? When was the last time ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles had a singles match?

Actually, they did say that and Bob-

TK looks stunned.

Wait… They… No, come on…

TK looks over at Bobby. Bobby nods his head yes with a grin.

You have to be fucking kidding me, right?

No shit, TK. I already pointed that out.

Boys, whats it fucking matter how long it’s been since TK had a singles match your fighting for these!

TK shows the XWF Tag Team Championships once again to get it through Mark Flynn and War Criminal’s thick skulls.

Fucking useless. No wonder Flynn is labeled “The King of the Mid-Card”. Nah, we’re shooting for the main event.

We ARE the main event.

Fucking truth! Don't say we didn't warn you Alias. We've already seen one Uni Champ come and go while we had these straps.


[Image: zJ0qLwu.png]





As Bobby and TK walk back out into the main showroom, they see it looks like World War 211 has taken place. There are bodies strewn about everywhere, both human and ghoul, including Bleaker, the named people from earlier, and most of the patrons.

Fuck!

This will not look good.

Oh, goddamn it! Look at the fucking carpet.

The sexy lawnmower repair specialist approaches TNGB.

“Hey guys, it looks like I’m the new, uh, whatever Bleaker was. I appreciate the opportunity, but I gotta go be a drifter with this key and make sure the forces of darkness never get it.”

Bobby nods.

I understand. Thank you, come back anytime.

I told you she is what premature ejaculation was made for!

I get it now.

She turns and walks away, as she does, both Bobby and TK’s heads turn as they gawk at her booty. No-Look Fistbump exchange initiated.

[Image: zJ0qLwu.png]

I’m a mom.

A mom is seen on your screen. She’s standing in a kitchen as kids run around it.

And I’m a dad.

A dad walks into the screen.

We’re not the parents of the same children, these aren’t our kids, and this isn’t our kitchen.

Nope, but we are here to talk to you about the cleaning power of Tastysuds. Tastysuds, the soap that actually enhances the flavor of your food!

That’s right. My kids, not these strangers running around nearly unsupervised in this kitchen filled with sharp objects and extreme heat sources, are fussy eaters, but they love their macaroni and cheese.

She smiles and laughs. So does the dad. She looks slightly offput as soon as he does.

Same here. But sometimes getting our kids to finish their plates is kind of tricky. That’s why we wash our dishes in Tastysuds.

Tastysuds has changed dining for me and my husband, too!

That’s not me. We did have a quickie in the back.

A little too quick.

Back to Tastysuds. We always use Tastysuds to make mealtime better.

That’s right, Tastysuds. All the cleaning power of the detergents you love, plus MSG to make your foods really pop!

[Image: zJ0qLwu.png]

Well, I guess now that we did the dishes, we gotta clean up this place.

Nah. Ozzy!

Ozzy walks into the room, arms folded across his chest.

Hey Bobby.

Oz, you know we couldn’t have a Bastard’s Den if it weren’t for you, and you know that we wouldn’t be the tag team we are today if it weren’t for you.

Fuck yeah.

Money Oswald looks as stoic as ever.

Of course.

That’s why we wanted to show you this!

Bobby unveils a plaque.


[Image: Screenshot_2021-10-20_010620.png]


Bobby and TK are grinning.

Uh, that makes it sound like I’m dead.

What?

Naw!

Bro, we just wanted to let you know, this is going on the wall of our strip club!

Ozzy wiggles his nose like Samantha from Bewitched. The entire room is spotless, the dead are alive and well, no sign of demons anywhere. The plaque leaves Bobby’s hands and is nestled behind the bar. Ozzy winks, jumps, does a heel click, and disappears. Them No Good Bastards high five as the movie fades to the credits.

















CREDITS:


Bobby Bourbon ................................................................................​.......................... Himself






Thunder Knuckles ................................................................................​.......................... Himself






Vita Valenteen ................................................................................​............................ Herself






Ozzy Oswald ................................................................................​............................... Himself






Morbid Angel ................................................................................​............................... Himself






Christian 1 ................................................................................​................................... Joel Osteen






Christian 2 ................................................................................​................................... Kirk Cameron






Bleaker ................................................................................​......................................... William Sadler






Demon Knight ................................................................................​............................. Billy Zane






Sexy Lawnmower Repair Specialist ....................................................................... Kate Upton






Norma ................................................................................​........................................... Doja Cat






Lucky ................................................................................​............................................. John C. Riley






Janet ................................................................................​.............................................. Betty White





















Once the end of the credit plays out, your screen lights back up. This is where you see Them No Good Bastards in the kitchen, Jimmy still with his nose in the corner.

Do you think that shit was good?

Just wait until the next one.


That's right, Bobby. I can promise the XWF fans and movie lovers alike, that Us No Good Bastards will be the most Bastardly you've ever seen us. Mark my fucking words.

TK and Bobby walk out of the kitchen as they leave they turn off the lights. Which causes your screen to turn black again. The film remains running for three and a half more minutes before you hear Jimmy's voice.

Hey... Guys... Guys? Can I come out of the corner?

Fin.

[Image: YrieUVE.png]
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"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (10-20-2021), (Gravy_Xtreme_5000) (10-20-2021), Atara Themis (10-19-2021), Bobby Bourbon (10-19-2021), Doctor Louis D'Ville (10-19-2021),  JimCaedus  (10-20-2021), Marf (10-20-2021), Mark Flynn (10-20-2021), Money Oswald (10-20-2021), Theo Pryce (10-20-2021)
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