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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Relentless Day 3 RP Board 2021
The Alias Saga #5: Higher Stakes
Author Message
ALIAS Offline
Space Jesus



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


#1
09-21-2021, 07:51 AM





                                                                                                                              

























































OOC: Same reminder re: coloured animal noises. Hover your cursor over them (only works on a computer).



5A: Return


Quote:“So tell me about yourself. What’s your story?”


Those were the first words that I heard. I had sat with a man who called himself ‘Steve’. He was a liar, a trickster, a fraud. Ironic now, that as I return to the beginning, many have pointed the same accusations at me. That man passed himself off as Steve Sayors, apparently having broken away from appearing in every final Chris Page promo since forever to come and speak to little old me. The runt. The dog without a bone. The mangy stray. But alas, just as so many have before and continue to try to do so, the man just saw me as an opportunity to get his. Well now… who got his in the end?

Expectations were low back then, as I sat in that decrepit motel, focusing less on the man in front of me and more on a piece of lint skidding across the hardwood floor at the mercy of whatever faint whiff of moving air that decided to poke its head into the room. Maybe if I’d had paid more attention, I would have known. Maybe I would have seen the duplicity before it struck. Or maybe I would have just been sucked in deeper. There are a lot of ‘maybes’.

Maybe others should have paid more attention themselves.

The question was posed, however. Regardless of its source. And really… have I not been answering it ever since? Have I not done exactly what I was asked?


Quote:“My story…” I chirp. “Oh dearie, my story is one of wonder and amazement, full of astonishing tales of majesty and myth. Where to begin?”


Was I wrong?


~~~~~



Where were we? Ah, yes.


[Image: nPtrAGt.jpg]



I had found the centre of the labyrinth. And in it, was Everything. In his months-long absence, The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur had grown beyond my wildest imagination. A tower of a beast, large enough to rival Atlas himself. But when he shrugged, it was not the skies that felt it. It was all that lay beyond. The old gods quivered, while the new gods fled. The stars themselves tremored. The Universe bent its knee.

Wrought iron chains attached to cuffs the size of small houses chinked under the strain of his powerful arms as he stretched them out wide. His hands, tipped by tree-sized claws, contort into maddening fists as he surges his arms upwards. At first, the fetters hold. But the beast’s force is relentless. One of the links that connects the metal bracelets to the rest of the chain snaps, and flies through the air, pinging off a stone wall. A high-pitched echo vibrates throughout the circular arena, until it is drowned out by the sound of the rest of the chain collapsing to the dirt.

His success fuels him further. Again he thrusts his arms upwards, a little higher on the side now weakened. His shackles resist, but he cannot be contained. Another link snaps. Another. Another. Five chains in total fall to the ground but a sixth holds firm. Its anchor point, however, is not as strong, and the wall it is nailed into comes ripping apart. The intact chain swings wildly from his wrist, careening into a nearby pillar and lashing a deep ravine into it. With his hands free, The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur reaches for the manacles around his ankles and tears them from their position. He tosses them to the side and they vanish into the dark leaving just a CLUNK as a memory.

He takes one crushing step. And then another. He lifts his head towards the heavens and he ROARS!

“I… I found you…” I squeak out, a mouse at the base of a mountain. He lowers his gigantic frame, bringing his sneering, grotesque face down to my level. Behind his retreating lips, his teeth have sculpted to fangs - incisors, premolars, and molars all. The horns on his head arc out wide and downwards, smaller barbs spiking out from around their base. The face has almost completely changed. A moment of concern spruiks in my belly; a butterfly flitting up and out my throat in a croak. But then I see his eyes. There, I see my friend.

He exhales heavily, steam bellowing from his nostrils and coating me in a damp heat. On another day, I would recoil. But today, I smile.

“I looked everywhere for you,” I tell him. “I did everything I could to ‘find him’. I’m… I’m sorry it took so long.”

A low bray rumbles from deep inside his abdomen, quaking its way up his windpipe and out his mouth with an articulated push.

“You should see what I have done,” I say. Some have threatened to slay this beast, as if that is the source of my power. But look at all I have done without it. “I can’t wait to show you it all.”

The snort that replies is short and sharp. At first I nod, showing my understanding. But though I am overjoyed at what I have found, The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur is not why I entered the labyrinth. Or, it’s not why I thought that I entered it.

“The girl!” I catch my breath. “Kieran still has her!”

The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur rises back up into the abyss above us all. His bellow echoes down towards me, growing ever more terrible as it traverses across the space.

This time, I do not second guess my nod. I see The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur move but I do not see the action. As it did in that first story told to Not-Steve, the entire room comes alive with a neon blue glow.

There is a shining light.

Lightning cracks across the sky.

There is a ringing bell.

The walls of the labyrinth - every last one of them - burst outwards. The labyrinth is gone! Destroyed! The end.

Hope you got out in time, Lou!

A hole splits open in the fabric of my mind. Its seeping energy envelops and empowers me. Through the tear in reality, I see the The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur beckoning me.

I step through.

“Umm… what the fuck did you do?”





5B: The Puppet Show at Relentless


STARRING:


[Image: 2Gds6g8.jpg]

KERMIT THE FROG as ALIAS-PUPPET


FADE IN:

INT. THE MINOTAUR’S CABIN – NIGHT

OPEN on a roaring FIRE in the FIREPLACE. A magical TWINKLE sound signals ALIAS-PUPPET’s arrival. He falls straight through the fire, as if he fell down a chimney to get there. A cloud of SOOT puffs up into the air around him as he rolls out onto the floor. He COUGHS.

PAN to show three walls at once of the square log-cabin interior. BLINDS are drawn over wall-length windows on each side. A warm orange glow flickers across the room from the flames. Stacks of books pile in front of shelves and desks, and in messy mountains scattered across the room. Various artifacts and tomes line the shelves, with a visible coating of DUST on top of them.

Alias-Puppet pulls himself to his feet and BRUSHES the soot off his clothes. He scans the room.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Hello? Are you here?


SILENCE.

Then…

A RUMBLE, steadily growing in volume. CHAOTIC noise.

CUT TO the fireplace. MINOTAUR-PUPPET tumbles out, just as Alias-Puppet had done previously. Except, he’s too big, and gets stuck dangling half-in and half-out.



[Image: Kp6fvmz.jpg]

THE RANCOR as MINOTAUR-PUPPET


MINOTAUR-PUPPET
Err… ah… a little help here?


Alias-Puppet rushes to Minotaur-Puppet’s aid and pulls on a protruding limb to try and help him out, using exaggerated GROANS. With a POP, Minotaur-Puppet bursts out and they both fall onto the ground. The fire is still going. Neither react to it.

Alias-Puppet is squashed under Minotaur-Puppet, who gives him a KISS on the forehead. He wriggles free, KICKING Minotaur-Puppet away as they both get up.


ALIAS-PUPPET
(frustrated)
What the hell is all of this?

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
(ignoring)
YOU DIDN’T CLEAN UP WHEN I WAS GONE?

ALIAS-PUPPET
...What? Why are you being weird?

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
Says the guy with the goofy mask on.


CLOSE-UP on Alias-Puppet now wearing a silly MASK of a burn victim.

LAUGH-TRACK.

Alias-Puppet SIGHS, ripping the mask off and throwing it to the fire.


ALIAS-PUPPET
What the heck has gotten into you? What the fuck happened here? WHY ARE WE PUPPETS?!

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
Aren’t we all puppets, in the end?

ALIAS-PUPPET
(snapping)
This isn’t the end.


Minotaur-Puppet spikes the CAMERA.

Alias-Puppet takes a deep BREATH and turns away, facing the rest of the room. He looks around it, deep in thought.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Well at least this place looks mostly the same.

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
(dramatic)
Except for all this dust!


Minotaur-Puppet starts spinning, creating a MINI-TORNADO that blows open several of the books. Alias-Puppet shields his eyes from the wind. When it dies down, Minotaur-Puppet is now wearing a FRENCH MAID’S OUTFIT.


MINOTAUR-PUPPET
(singing)
Clean up! Clean up! Everybody, everywhere!
Clean up! Clean up! Everybody, do your share!


Alias-Puppet looks on, exasperated, as Minotaur-Puppet starts taking a FEATHER DUSTER to everything, but not doing a particularly good job of cleaning any of it.


ALIAS-PUPPET
(under his breath)
Why has this happened?


While “cleaning”, Minotaur-Puppet starts accidentally knocking things over. Alias-Puppet swoops in behind, trying to pick-up after him.

OVER SHOULDER as Alias-Puppet picks up a face-down piece of PAPER from the ground. He goes to put it back on the shelf it fell from, turning it over in the process. He stops short.

ZOOM IN on a MAP.


ALIAS-PUPPET
A map… of course!


He clears a bunch of junk from a table, and SPREADS the map out on top of it. Lines are drawn across it, going back and forth across the Pacific.

EXTREME CLOSE UP on Alias-Puppet’s eyes tracking back and forward following them. The map REFLECTED back in them.


MINOTAUR-PUPPET
(singing)
Clean up! Clean up! Everybody, everywhere!
Clean up! Clean up! Everybody, do your share!

ALIAS-PUPPET
Hey!


Alias-Puppet looks up to his friend, who doesn’t respond.


ALIAS-PUPPET
(louder)
HEY!


Minotaur-Puppet stops in his tracks, his duster resting on the TESTICLES of an enormous, unexplained, marble PENIS.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Where’s the dagger?

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
(confused)
Dagger?

ALIAS-PUPPET
Yes, the dagger, you absolute pmuppet! Don’t you remember?


Minotaur-Puppet SHRUGS.


ALIAS-PUPPET
The first time we were able to use it with the dagger was in this very room!


Minotaur-Puppet continues to look like he doesn’t know what Alias-Puppet is talking about.


ALIAS-PUPPET
I’m going to have to figure this shit out myself, aren’t I?


He places his hands on his hips while Minotaur-Puppet resumes dusting the marble balls.


ALIAS-PUPPET
If I was a stupid-ass dagger, where would I be?

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
Probably on a stone altar in a mystical void or something.


Minotaur-Puppet does not as much as look over his shoulder. Alias-Puppet’s eyes widen.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Of course! The void that I totally, supposedly, allegedly, maybe-or-maybe-not, where-does-this-stop-nobody-knows, stole from the doctor! Uh… how do I get there?

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
Through the door, dummy.


Minotaur-Puppet THUMBS towards the hearth where the fire still burns strongly. Nodding, Alias-Puppet approaches, bends down, and stares into the flames.

FADE OUT.






COMMERCIAL BREAK

FADE IN:

EXTREME WIDE SHOT of an enormous MOUNTAIN.

RAPID ZOOM in showing a haggard OLD MAN-PUPPET trying to climb it.



[Image: akoNRJH.jpg]
WALTER as OLD MAN-PUPPET


He is BREATHING HARD, and his feet slip as he climbs. He pauses, exhausted, taking a break against a rock.

ZOOM OUT slightly to show a spritely YOUNG MAN-PUPPET racing up to where the Old Man-Puppet is struggling to breath.



[Image: OGhX6ls.jpg]
CHUCK WOOD as YOUNG MAN-PUPPET


The Young Man-Puppet zooms past the Old Man-Puppet and keeps on climbing the mountain.


YOUNG MAN-PUPPET (V.O.)
Do you find yourself trying to do things that you used to be able to do, but now you just can’t? Are you struggling to keep up to the standards of yesteryear, while the benchmark has moved on past you? Are you an ancient bitch? Well, don’t worry! Have we got the beer for you! It’s called DOC LIGHT! Doc Light will give you the Dutch courage needed to make you feel like you can do all of the silly shit that you used to do, without any substance whatsoever behind it! This shit’ll get you so wasted that you actually think you can keep up the young whippersnappers, and you don’t even have to get off your stupid leather chair to feel that way! That’s right, folks, Doc Light will let you get fucked up from the comfort of your very own therapy room. Just remember to wear your medical bracelet so the ambulance knows where to find you when you cark it. So please, folks, if you want to try relive your glory days, but your body just won’t let you do it, do the right thing and sit the fuck down and drink Doc Light.


ZOOM BACK IN on the Old Man-Puppet sitting in a LEATHER CHAIR, smiling and drinking a DOC LIGHT, with the mountain in the background through a window over his shoulder.


YOUNG MAN-PUPPET (V.O.)
(rapidly)
Common side effects include very public bed-shitting.


CRASH through the window and up to the mountain where the Young Man-Puppet jumps up and down on the mountaintop.



[Image: ALbOyFW.png]


FADE OUT.






FADE IN:

BACK TO MINOTAUR’S CABIN. CONTINUOUS.

OVER-SHOULDER as Alias-Puppet stares into the fire.

P.O.V. on the flames. HOLD. Strange visions begin to form inside it. Actor DANNY MCBRIDE zips up a gimp mask. He is wearing a full-body LEATHER CATSUIT, save for his exposed buttocks. Fellow actor ANTHONY HOPKINS appears in the fire, applying LUBE to the thick finger of a gigantic GAUNTLET, looking down at a gagged WILL FERRELL.


ALIAS-PUPPET
(sarcastically)
Through the door, dummy.


SIDE as he DRY HEAVES at the thought of it. The image vanishes and he is left looking at the fire again. Regular old flames.

Alias-Puppet looks at his GLOVED RIGHT HAND, thinking. He then reaches into the flames with his arm, rummaging around.


ALIAS-PUPPET
A-ha!


He pulls his arm back and holds a DAGGER in his hand with a CROSS on one side and an UPSIDE-DOWN PENTAGRAM on the other.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Perfect!


TRACK as Alias-Puppet skuddles back over to the table and holds the dagger over the map. Both artifacts GLOW while BELLS RING. The dagger zips out of his hand, stabbing into the map. Exactly as that happens, the blinds on one side of the room shoot up revealing a dreadful OAK TREE standing tall in the centre in what appears to be someone’s backyard. Minotaur-Puppet notices the change.


MINOTAUR-PUPPET
Oh.


But then he goes back to cleaning.

Alias-Puppet thinks for a moment, and then a real-life, honest-to-God LIGHTBULB goes off above his head.

He runs back over to the fireplace once more, bends down, and doesn’t worry about waiting for any visions. He thrusts his arm straight into the hole.

Again, he rummages, and then he smiles. He pulls his hand back out and is holding a black, blue, yellow, and silver ROPE.


ALIAS-PUPPET
(to himself)
This has got to be it.


He brings the rope back over to the table, and as he did with the dagger, he holds it high above. It all GLOWS again. BELLS RING. The rope starts UNRAVELLING, coiling down towards the dagger where it begins to wind itself around the blade, and then right up the hilt. The moment that it stops, another set of blinds opens with force, showing the understory of a snow-kissed FOREST.

Alias-Puppet looks gleefully to Minotaur-Puppet, who completely stops cleaning. A look of revelation is on his face.


MINOTAUR-PUPPET
Do it.


Alias-Puppet rushes off once more to the fireplace, digs his hand in, and brings out a small blue ORB. It sends a blinding, obscuring reflection of light towards the CAMERA, until Alias-Puppet ROTATES it in his hand.

CUT TO Minotaur-Puppet still standing over the table, wearing his maid’s outfit. Alias-Puppet reunites with him. The orb GLOWS white, as do the artifacts on the table. The BELLS RING again. Slowly, the orb lowers down and perfectly balances in a NEST made by the coil of the rope around the dagger’s hilt. The last set of blinds open, revealing a sun-beaten DESERT


MINOTAUR-PUPPET
It’s all back to normal, sire!


PAN to Minotaur-Puppet who is no longer wearing the maid’s outfit.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Well… not entirely. We’re still fucking puppets.

??? (O.S.)
And you always will be.


Alias-Puppet and Minotaur-Puppet snap their heads to the side, in the direction of the voice.

SLOW PAN to reveal D’VILLE-PUPPET on a red TRICYCLE.



[Image: mwPQA3C.jpg]
BILLY THE PUPPET as D’VILLE-PUPPET


D’VILLE-PUPPET
Yes! It’s me! Doctor Louis D’Ville!

ALIAS-PUPPET
(gasping)
DOCTOR LOUIS D’VILLE!

D’VILLE-PUPPET
That’s what I said. Are you some sort of mimic or something?

ALIAS-PUPPET
NO! U!

D’VILLE-PUPPET
(rolling his eyes)
Delightful.

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, doctor.


D’Ville-Puppet SMILES. Sort of.


D’VILLE-PUPPET
And I, you. I’m afraid this is going to be a one and done affair, however.

ALIAS-PUPPET
How did you get here?

D’VILLE-PUPPET
You let me into the labyrinth, remember? I simply had to follow the path.


Minotaur-Puppet GLARES at Alias-Puppet, who sheepishly LOOKS AWAY.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Yeah… that’s my bad.

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
So it is you who is responsible for all of this?


Minotaur-Puppet RAISES his awkward arm, showing off the changed nature of his reality.


D’VILLE-PUPPET
Quite. We did agree on a session, didn’t we, little one?

ALIAS-PUPPET
We did. Are we seriously not going to talk about the trike, though?


He POINTS at the red tricycle underneath D’Ville-Puppet.


D’VILLE-PUPPET
(meekly)
I’m old and my hip hurts after walking through that maze.

ALIAS-PUPPET
HONESTY! I love it!

MINOTAUR-PUPPET
What is your plan here, doctor? Are we to remain here as your puppets?

D’VILLE-PUPPET
Oh no. Puppet shows are good for a chuckle, but I’d rather leave them to the professionals. I care not what you do when I leave you, I’m just here for THE UNIVERSE. Now hand it over.


He extends a demanding hand.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Umm… I’m going to have to go with ‘no’.

D’VILLE-PUPPET
Suit yourself. I hope you enjoy your new life.

ALIAS-PUPPET
Yeah, about that. You’re kind of forgetting one key piece of information.
(pause)
You’re in here with us too.


SPLIT SCREEN as noth Alias-Puppet and Minotaur-Puppet ATTACK at the same time. The FIGHT is uneventful. D’Ville-Puppet immediately FALLS OFF the tricycle.


D’VILLE-PUPPET
My hip! My hip!

ALIAS-PUPPET
Tongue-kiss my taint, cunt.


He turns to Minotaur-Puppet, who almost LOOKS DOWN at D’Ville-Puppet, as if they feel sorry for him.


ALIAS-PUPPET
Shall we set everything right?


He WINKS.

TRACK as goes for the fireplace once more. There is less rummaging this time. He emerges with the UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP.


MINOTAUR-PUPPET
You… you did it!

ALIAS-PUPPET
You’re goddamn fucking right I did!

D’VILLE-PUPPET
(from the ground)
NO! THE UNIVERSE IS MINE!

ALIAS-PUPPET
REALITY says otherwise.


Alias-Puppet KICKS D’Ville-Puppet while he’s down, and instead of taking the championship back to the table, he hands it over to Minotaur-Puppet.

There is a SHINING LIGHT.

There are some RINGING BELLS.

Everything turns WHITE.

FADE TO BLACK.









5C: The Final Altar

White to black. And I?

Am.

“Are you here?” I ask into the darkness. The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur emerges from the shadows.

A wave of relief washes over me. All of that: the doors; my capture; the corridor; the labyrinth; the fucking puppet show - it wasn’t for nothing. I still don’t have the girl. I WILL get her back. But I don’t have to do this fight alone.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I jerk forward.

“Lou?!” I shout, and spin around, prepared for all-out war. The doctor’s sniggering cunt of a face never emerges. The look on The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur’s face tells me everything I need to know. That wasn’t Lou. Not the real him.

That bitch doesn’t have it in him.

“Where are we?” I ask, as if the dark isn’t an answer.

“There is something I have to show you,” my friend replies, no translation needed. He has reduced in size now, to a much more reasonable nine or ten feet tall.

Without further explanation, he sets off through the dark. This journey is not as long as the ones that came before it - I cotton on pretty quickly to where we are going.

Up ahead, glimmering figures do battle against mangled and gnarled invaders. They protect a dome of throbbing, technicoloured meninges. The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur swats the entire hideous horde away with ease leaving the heroes to finally succumb to their exhaustion.

“Thank you,” I say to them, as I pass them by. “Thank you so much for caring.”

The end.

And then I step into the dome. Five altars. Each with their trusty artifact, save for the last. The first time that I had tried to activate it, nothing had happened. But it was the impotence of how I obtained that relic that was the problem. When I later placed the Universal Championship upon that altar once more, following my final vanquishing of Chris Page, The Everything changed.

Now it is The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur’s turn.

The Universal Championship is returned home.

Those pulsing membranes fall away.

Darkness consumes.

But it’s okay. I’m going to be okay.


I have willed it that way.



“I know where the answers lie,” my friend says. “To whom it was who took you. To the location of the girl.”

The answers!

The reason for my fight!

“Where?” I demand.

And the darkness gives me a reply.






























[Image: 7przw0X.jpg]


~~~~~



The labyrinth held the key. For all of this.

Sometimes when you reach an end, you have to return to the beginning.


~~~~~



“Oh, shut the fuck up. Aren’t I done with that dog-faced cunt by now?! What a fucking let down of a foreshadow.

Shit, maybe I am copying Lou…”





4D: XX_Progress Notes_210921

Patient Progress Notes
Date: 21/19/21Therapist: Facility:
Patient: Age: ◻ Female ☑ Male
Session length: 60 min◻ No Session: _________________
Treatment Issue: Resistance to all therapeutic interventions. Restrictive practices unable to be promptly implemented, leading to creative therapeutic intervention.
Symptoms observed during session:
☑ aggression (physical)
☑ aggression (verbal)
☑ agitation
☑ anger
◻ anhedonia
☑ anxiety/fear
◻ appetite disturbance
☑ danger to others
☑ danger to self
◻ decreased energy/fatigue
☑ delusions
◻ depressed
☑ distractibility
☑ emotional lability
☑ feelings of worthlessness
☑ hallucinations (auditory)
☑ hallucinations (visual)
◻ hopelessness/ helplessness
☑ impulsivity
☑ irritability
☑ negative statements
☑ noncompliance (medical care)
☑ restlessness
☑ sad/pained/ worried expression
☑ self deprecation
◻ sleep disturbance
☑ socially inappropriate
☑ social withdrawal
☑ suicidal ideation or plan
☑ thought disorder
☑ other: Won’t leave the Left Hand to fucking die
Diagnoses: Undetermined
Intervention strategies implemented and session focus or theme: Puppet therapy.
Patient Response:◻ Marked improvement
☑ Some improvement
◻ Same functioning
◻ Symptoms worsening
Evidence of patient response: Breakthrough in terms of internalising issues. Some focus on outwards solutions. Concern around how he still thinks his underwhelming conflict with The Left Hand should be revisited.
Future treatment/Follow-up: Continue to support patient to explore the real world. No contact from external clinician, but KK still available for consultation.
Signature of therapist/title:






5E: Groundhog Day

“If you had to choose, what would you say is the greatest thing that you’ve ever done? Ever.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

Ever.

EVER.

I guess you invented repetition too, eh? Is that going to be the next line? If I repeat a word, a phrase, a metaphor...

TRIGGER about getting TRIGGERED.

Round-and-around we go!

…If I do any of that shit, I must be trying to be you, right? Trying to be the guy who is a whopping one from four in the past five months? What a target to aim for! Or is it that I’m supposed to be trying to copy your reputation? Your aura? Of what? Super spooky evil shit? Flesh this out for me, bud, because you’re losing me. And losing to me. Again. You’re hardly the first person to have lit something on fire, Lou. D’Ville or not. Even if your ass is old enough to have been snooping on Eve back in Eden…

Pfft, and you called me the fucking snake?

…There were plenty before you, and there’ll be plenty more once both you and I are gone. And yes, I did take another bite of a low-hanging apple. Load up your own fucking layers to that.

Wanna know a really big, super-obvious difference between the two of us that you’re avoiding pointing out? I beat your ass at May Day, and then you POOFED away until Leap of Faith. Corey and I beat your ass at War Games and then what did you do? POOF! Gone until now. I’m not about to throw some of that weak ass Chris Page shade about how often you show up - I still said ‘yes’ after all - but I just wanted to point out that while you sit in the background, choking the cyclops and marvelling at your own fucking douchery, I just don’t see the need. Loud and proud, I am. A pretty easy chap to find. Hell, I’m a pretty easy chap to read. Some things aren’t a metaphor, they’re just a truth you’re not willing to believe.

Oh no! That’s what you want me to believe about you, isn’t it? Le sigh. This is pretty tiresome, man. But sure, whatever, I’m cartoon-you. Whatever helps you cry yourself to sleep. Take the analogy even further, pal. Double-down on that shit. How about ‘puppet-you?’ That’d be on point. Born with a stick up my ass and a string around my fucking neck. Jesus F-For-Effort Christ, I can even take shots at myself better than you can. Ooh, how about this one! I’m a Picasso portrait of you drawn by Thunder Knuckles with his rainbow-coloured shit after another night of sitting around with Bobby eating fucking crayons.

What, you think that ho wouldn’t put any old thing in his mouth?

Goddamn, Lou… you’ve played your fucking hand, haven’t you? So much hype, so much build up, so much you fucking promised to us all. You hate to see it. Old Man Lou can’t even get out of the chair before he shits himself anymore. I thought this was supposed to be the Lou I had heard about? If this is what you’re playing, then I am definitely a better version of you, without even trying. Hit me again with that shit. Tell me you don’t know what the fuck you’re dealing with without telling me you don’t know what the fuck you’re dealing with. Why the fuck would I want to be you, Lou? I’m a survivor. You’re a fucking ghost that can’t walk through doors, let alone a wall. Ooh… metaphor.

Fart noise.

What’s the greatest thing that I did? Bitch, all I’m hearing in what you’re saying is that the greatest thing that you have ever done is create me. I’m not saying that’s the case - I bet you built a swell sandcastle as a wee one, but, you seem really hung up on me wanting to be like you.

Oh boy, here we go.

But I seem really hung up on you saying that I’m trying to be like you. IN B4 U SAY IT.

But you seem really, really hung up on me being hung up on you saying that I’m trying to be like you.

But I seem really, really hung up on you being really, really hung up on me being hung up on you saying that I’m trying to be like you.

DEEP BREATH!

Let me press the eject button on this here loop-de-loop before the groundhog sees its shadow. You said you weren’t going to try and catch me contradicting myself, but the very next chance you had you damn near walked back everything that you yourself had said. And then you said it again. And then you walked it back again. You zoned in on my metaphors - which I had already made fun of. You jumped on the power trip - by using Chris Chaos as a fucking example! Dude… Chris Chaos isn’t good example for ANYTHING. Even being the worst. Surely, you’d agree? You tried to call into question my reasons for wanting in those doors - by calling me a liar. You scrapped humility for hubris, and despite promising to resist it, you jumped head first into this whole he-said, she-said bullshit. Go ahead and flip the mirror on me. You can tell me that I did the same, but I wasn’t the dumbfuck who made that promise. Really, I’m doing all of this - fucking all of it, Lou - to make a very important point.

Are you ready for it?







You’re full of shit.

What, were you expecting something more? A long, drawn out metaphor that I beat you over the head with again and again and again and again and again, yet you still don’t get it? Well… that’s there too, if you look for it. But when I got done with my little show, I made a distinct point to rip the head off the puppet and drop a real sloppy deuce in the open hole. All full up, buddy! Art imitating life!

Man, if we want to go all the way back, the writing has been on the wall for these cracks in the Lou-wall for a while now. It started long before this struggle you seem to be having in finding consistency between giving my little trouser mystery a good gumming with or without the dentures. This bleeding effect of the terrible monster and the jovial king was well and truly in effect the moment you swooped on in and started white knighting for the fair maiden Duke. I asked the question then, cartoon or unstoppable monster? Shaggy and Scooby and Daphne and the gang gave away the goat, I guess. You are the fucking cartoon.

I refuse to believe that this is what the great Doc…

Wherefore art thou?

…D’Ville was all about. I can’t accept that this is the same you who you promised you were bringing. Surely you’re still ferreting about in the void. Surely you’re still trying to puzzle yourself back together. You made me? Motherfucker, you’re still trying to remake yourself.

Takes one to know one.

Wait… that one’s been used before.

Story of our fucking lives.

Don’t mistake this AGAIN for me dismissing you, Lou. Your minimum is better than most’s max. You’re always going to hit hard. But I don’t have a minimum. I’m one fucking speed, one direction. You’d think that given that obvious limitation, I’d be much easier to stop. But as long as people like you keep leaving me these vacant threats of destruction, then I’ll just keep on doing what I do. I’ve heard it all before. Page, Chaos, Pathetic Cunt, they’ve all said the same. The entire fucking B.O.B. roster said it! Lou… you fucking said it. So much hullabaloo about this being the biggest spotlight on the biggest stage, and it’s you - the self-assumed proven commodity - that is treating this like we’re just off to Corey’s house again.

Go ahead man, prove me right. Tell me how I’m such a broken little creature. Then tell me how I’m an unrelenting force. What? Tell me how I was such an average little schmuck. Then tell me how high I now fly. What? Fucking figure it out, Lou. I’m not untouchable. Not really. Never said I was. But I gave you a golden opportunity. I welcomed you into the labyrinth with open arms…

And books! - can’t forget them!

…and you? You fucking blew it. You had your chance. Now we’re out. Now we’re heading for the next door, window, fire escape, chimney or fucking fragile little wall.

I’m going straight through ‘em all.

Next stop? I’m about to dip my smooth sack into your world.

Open wide and get ready to fucking Eat.”

Do you have a light?

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