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The PokeBOB Saga: Celadon (Episodes 11-13)
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 ALIAS  Offline
D'Ville's Bane
TITLE - Universal Champion

XWF FanBase:

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)

Post: #1
08-22-2021 02:44 AM


Episode 11: Rock Tunnel

Ho-hum, it’s another dark and dingy cave. There really are so many of these fucking things. Could be worse though. Could be another re-run of Chris Page saying he’s the best in a battle of words while absolutely everything seems to suggest the exact opposite. Could be worse than that even! He could be saying he’s the best at anything!




The other critters seem content to rest in their balls, but Charmeleon walks with us again. His light guiding.

There was another cavern we could have walked that would have linked the Lt. Borden’s city back to the one Big Preesh and I met in, but I opted not to explore it. The prospect of a bunch of little Dick Powers’ poking up through the ground while they finger each other underneath just didn’t seem that appealing to me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But with Preesh accompanying us, I just didn’t want to deal with whatever the fuck would come out of his mouth.

Or enter it. HEY-OOOO!

Plus, it would be going backwards. And you know what I say!


Ever forward.

“You sure there weren’t anudda way?” Preesh complains. “I can’t see shit in here, and there’s fuckin’ bats again. It’s like muff divin’ on dat Lycana ho!”

“And you’ve done that, have you?” The flames from Charmeleon’s tail highlight Atara’s scowl.

“Fo’ sho!” he boasts.

“I mean… he’s probably hairy enough to be her type…” I say. Atara sniggers in response.

“HEY!” Preesh goes to complain, but then realises that it actually works in his favour. “Yeah, yeah, yeah! You know it!



Atara, Charmeleon, and I, all spin around to see Preesh leaning against the rocky wall, his knee held up as high to his chest as he can muster (which isn’t at all close) while he holds his massive toe.

“What’s wrong?” I ask. “Are you okay?”

“I fuckin’ stubbed my toe!” he bellows. After all that noise, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any more bats around. But…

There is a rock.

[Image: 4hdXdta.jpg]

Preesh sees it when I do.

“YES! FUCKING YES!” In his excitement, he forgets all about his toe and reaches to his belt.

Big Preesh chooses Geodude.

[Image: 4hdXdta.jpg]

“I’mma show this hussy here who gots da biggest nuts!” I note that he emphasises that plural.

Geodude - I don’t fucking know which one, maybe both? - uses Rock Throw.

You motherfuckers are just here for the tale rather than the battle.

(Insert only one real fight joke here.)

I’ll skip to the end.

Big Preesh catches Geodude.

“Fuckin’ aye!” he exclaims. “No more lop-sized dick jokes!”

[Image: aENo3qd.jpg]

[Image: lZeBYBr.jpg]

Preesh has no idea how to react. To be fair, neither do Atara or I. He fucking did it! Not just did he catch a new Pokémon, but he managed to actually evolve one! Say this with me, folks, Big Preesh is getting stronger.

“Still lopsided, dove,” Atara snipes. She’s right. His original Geodude may have evolved, but the new one is still the same. At her jab, Preesh shifts from abject celebration to being absolutely forlorn.

“Two is still better than one?” I offer, half-heartedly. In Charmeleon’s flickering light, I can see him mouth those words to himself. He eggs himself on, and withdraws his Pokémon back into their balls.

“Two is better than one,” he repeats aloud.

On that we push through the tunnel once more.

Bats fly.

Boulders tumble.

We even see some bodybuilders at the end.

And then… freedom.

Hopefully that’s enough of the stupid underground shit.

Episode 12: Lavender

The scent in the air is both beautiful and pungent. Distinctly floral, yet still understated. Though it enters our nostrils, it almost sits upon our tongues. A touch of bitter-sour that soothes even Preesh’s ravenous libido. As we walk through the settlement, it seems like a veritable ghost town. Not a body, not a soul, not even a wry piece of tumbleweed.


“Fancy seeing you here…” As Preesh, Atara and I walk through the abandoned settlement, we’re met by my ‘rival’ Corey - Professor Lane Wood’s words - in front of a derelict tower that awkwardly juts into the air. Damp moss clings to decaying timber behind its crumbling stone facade. There was a mystifying age to it before it ever began falling apart.

“You got here ahead of us?” I’m surprised. It really hadn’t been that long ago that we had seen Corey outside of Theo’s seaside cottage. But this… this is a chance to paint him in a different light.

Like Dolly - the real Dolly - asked.

“I came the same way you did, it seems,” he says, pointing at the opening of the rock tunnel on the edge of the city.

“Did you fight the electric guy?” I ask.

“Fought and beat,” he confirms. Strange. I don’t know how he got through to Borden ahead of us if he didn’t take the tunnel that Theo’s key opened up. Still, he flashes the Thunder Badge for me to see, confirming his side of the story.

“We’re doing this again, aren’t we?” I don’t know if I needed to ask that question. I think I know where this is going. Still, I did it anyway.

He smiles.

There it is. The Corey that everyone else sees. Confident, perhaps overly so. But he knows he can back it up. Chris Page does too.

Must have been why he dodged him.


Fuck it, we’re going to have to do this eventually.

Charmeleon steps forward.

[Image: 32bEp1T.jpg]

Corey chooses Ditto.

[Image: lmN6alI.png]

I raise an eyebrow. This is an odd choice. Even for him.

“I take it this one has a name too?” The others had. His Squirtle was named Iggy. His Butterfree was named Christian.

“Coooo---reeeeeey,” the creature itself responds. Corey - the real Corey - winces a little.

“He uh… he kind of named himself,” he says.

“Coooo---reeeeeey,” the creature continues.

“Sure,” I say, with some level of acceptance. I’d be lying if there wasn’t a part of me that wondered whether this was just an extension of all of those claims about his ego that others throw around.


I trust him.

I trusted him.

I can again. Here he is, confronting me from the front, not from behind.

A better man than I.

“Let’s do this then,” I steel my body in preparation for battle.

“Corey!” the real Corey shouts. “Use Transform!”

In front of my eyes the Ditto glows. Swirling orbs of white whirl around it and then, a flash! Ditto is no more!

[Image: zg6onYy.gif]


In the dark of the night. I edge forward into the unknown. The devil’s on his throne. He sets it all alight as he sets his sights to me.

To me.


“You are…”

“I am…”




In a hushed state.

In a locked cell.

In the end of it all.

I saw the peak before the fall.

To me.


I run from myself.

And I give chase.

A slobbering, ravenous mess.

The beast.


I am the fucking beast!

I catch myself.

I Eat Myself.

Yesterday we dream.





In my ‘happy place’. Tucked away in the recesses of the hotel of my brain, where they get to stay for free. Why do they do this to me?

To me.

[Image: zg6onYy.gif]


“Yo, homeslice!” I blink as Big Preesh shakes me back into my body. My vision struggles to adjust, but as the fog of my brain subsides, I realise it’s not an issue of sight. Around us, an even quiet(er) gloom has settled on the town. Shadows stalking. “You done went loco on us!”

Several yards away, a female figure hovers over a similarly subdued Corey.

”…Dolly…?” No. The world returns, and I see that it’s Atara shaking Corey back to life. He and I both sit up at the same time, eyes locked through the darkness.

A harbinger…

[Image: 7f2vxNf.png]

[Image: AAvva3A.png]


In my ‘happy place’...

He sets it all alight as he sets his sights to me...


“G-G-G-G-G-G-GHOSTS!” Preesh freaks in his best Scooby Doo impression.

This better not be Morbid Angel again!

We don’t wait to find out. The four of us flee.

Before the mug can shatter.

Episode 13: Rainbow

We never looked back.


Ever forward.

Corey chose to go his own way. I… I don’t know what that means for the future. I’m trying not to hold that against him. I know he needs some help right now, that’s why I offered for him to come with us. I’m sure we’ll meet again though.


Whatever’s going on with him doesn’t change the task that lays before me. The reputation of the city that Preesh, Atara, and I find ourselves in was that of an idyllic paradise. But this… this isn’t what we were promised. Not that my companions are complaining.

Instead of rose bushes we have poker tables. Instead of the sweet scent of jasmine, the stench of stale beer clogs even the outside air. The trees are coated in toilet paper. The pond is full of urine. This city has been taken over.

I can tell Preesh is getting distracted. Atara, she’s a bit harder to read. I think there’s something about the populace here that she looks down on, yet another part seems to want to join the degenerates in their debauchery. Either way, both of them are useful in leading me to where I need to go.

Instinctively, they move in the same direction.

This isn’t a gym.

It’s a fucking strip club.

Rainbow lights meet us inside. Strobing in time with the shittiest music that you’ve ever heard. And the building? An affront to what it was. Grass rolled up and smoked, the smog filling the air of the greenhouse - counter to its purpose. And the vines… straightened, stiffened, and bound together.

As poles.

The former gym leader, nameless, faceless, worthless even - it’s not like her replacements are going to be interested - whirls herself around the vine-poles, half-naked and heading pretty quickly towards three-quarters. In the back, seated upon thrones made from even further vines - unnaturally cultured, two bastards (lower-case) are belly-laughing. A doobie hangs from one’s mouth, a drumstick from the other’s.

“Tacky,” Atara scoffs, grabbing their attention.

“The fuck are you doing here?” asks the smaller of the two, tossing the diminished remnants of his joint to the ground. It nearly catches one of the vines alight. He doesn’t seem to care.

“I’m going to go see your master,” she says. “And I’m going to kick him in his baby dick.”


“LEMME BACK IN B.O.B.!” Preesh storms past Atara and I, stopping just short of the platform the bastards sit upon.

“For fuck’s sake…” Atara grumbles.

The bastards straight up laugh in Preesh’s face. It would make me feel some pity for him if he hadn’t just turned his back on everything he said about the Fab Five, or whatever he was talking about the other day. BMI? Is that it? I’m confused.

“Get the fuck outta here, shitstain,” the one who isn’t a whiny little bitch (still a little bitch though!) shoos Preesh away. “And take whatever transvestite fucking street trash you found there with you. That burnt bitch is freaking the girls out.”

I crack my neck. Once. Twice.

Surely these fools don’t want to…


I guess idiocy runs in the group. It must be contagious.

I stand my ground.

Never backwards. You know the fucking drill.


But this isn’t going to be a fight. It doesn’t matter who they’re going to bring forward, it’s going to be a fucking bloodbath. After all, these dumb fucks built B.O.B. out of vines. I could simply pull one thread and watch it all unravel.

Atara watches. Knowing.



[Image: 32bEp1T.jpg]

...uses Flamethrower.


And it all burns down.

[Image: uWKZGio.jpg]

Four down.


“Everything went off the rails for a moment there, didn’t it? Back in May, anyway.


Now B.O.B.’s exposed.

G-String to the side.”

4D: In One Ear And Out The Other

“You’re right.

Oh shit! I actually said it!

And yet another one of Chris Page’s zingers flushes down the fucking toilet.

But you are Chris. You’re right! I am a walking contradiction. Except…

I’ve always said that.


That’s a throat clear, by the way.


‘Consistently inconsistent.’ I claimed that shit thirteen years ago, and never once have I wavered on it.

But you… don’t… fucking… listen. Too busy with your head up your own ass. That tells me everything I need to know about this match, Chris. You don’t even know who the fuck you’re stepping in the ring with. Do you seriously think that I’ve never had my back against the wall before? Bitch, that’s where I live! That’s been my entire fucking life! The funny part about all this is that you think you’re in a position to actually make me feel cornered, when every time you open your mouth I step further and further out from the wall. Seriously… you don’t even talk like a real human! You talk like a fucking Austin Powers supervillain, except everyone is laughing at you instead of with you.

Wait… does Austin Powers hold up well these days?

Probably as well as Chris Page.


Go pick another fight with John Black, you pathetic dick.

It’s not just your speech patterns that seem unnatural though, Chris. You clearly don’t think like a human either! Or like… think at all.

How are you seriously going to come out here and try to criticise me for talking about Thad and Corey top much? What, like I shouldn’t address War Games in my first comments since? You remember that show right? It's the one I fought twice on while you didn’t at all? I can’t believe you’re still banging on about me not having enough matches despite me straight up proving that at this point in time, I’ve had more matches than you did as champion! Four in the last month alone, dumb fuck! You’re getting your numbers all mixed up like you’ve been going to that Illuminati school of Thad’s. Uh-oh! I mentioned him again!

Kind of like you mentioning Robert Main every single time, right? Oh but you beat Robert, didn’t you?!

Like I pinned Thad at War Games.


B-T-dubs, nice effort on the deflection on how you handled that match at Leap of Faith. Poor form on the execution, though. What was it you said? Your ‘actions were expected’? Motherfucker, you literally said that you expected a cash-in from me! It doesn’t get any more clear than that to show that I did exactly what was expected of me. By you!

And you still didn’t do anything to stop it.

I’m going to keep hammering on that point, Chris, because it’s the nail in the fucking coffin for you. You knew the cash-in was a possibility, you called it happening, and then you didn’t do anything to stop it.

You fucked up.

And I reaped the benefits.

But I get it, Chris. It’s one rule for you, and a different rule for others. Why is that, though? Is it just because you’re comfortable saying that you’re an egotistical asshole?



I’ve never claimed to be a hero. I’ve never claimed to be a ‘good person’. You’re implying that somehow I have to follow some sort of code of honour that you don’t. Now that… that would truly make me a ‘second-rate’ Robert Main!

But that’s not me, Chris. You’re constructing an argument against a person who just straight up doesn't exist. And the thing is, if you knew anything about me - which clearly you don’t; and if you had really been paying attention to me as I was ticking up the X-Treme defences like you said you were - which clearly you weren’t; you’d have known that cashing in the way I did is exactly what I would always have done. I never sought to play the saviour. I sought to capture the Universal Championship because somehow, someway, I believe that having this championship will lead me to answers about myself and what happened to me. It’s a pretty fucking easy story to digest, buddy! Taking time to understand that is the only fucking chance you have of understanding what’s driving me, which in turn is the only fucking chance you have at stopping me.

I am the Universal Champion.

It doesn’t matter to me how I get here. All that matters is that now I need to keep fighting until those answers are unlocked. Which means fighting through you. It means fighting through everybody! Quit B.O.B., stay with B.O.B., I don’t give a flying fuck! Because guess what?

I’m still going to ridicule them.

Because ridiculing them is ridiculing you.

Up until your last little speech, you would take every fucking chance you could get to promote them as - and I quote - ‘redefining dominance’. If you were so good at this ‘war of words’ shit, then you’d know not to try and retcon shit like this after you already left such a gaping asshole for me to plow. Your entire Universal Championship reign was predicated on positioning B.O.B. as the greatest thing to ever happen to this company, so if you’re going to try and discredit my reign, you can bet your fucking ass I’m going to discredit yours.

Note: I didn't say 'try' about my efforts. Because I already have.

What’s this shit you’re saying about never losing a ‘war of words’ though? I fucking saw the back-and-forth between you and RL Edgar, you senile dumbass! We all did. And you lose that exchange. Shit, we all saw the Lycana stuff too! You lost that one, and then went and lost in the ring too! What, like an inside cradle somehow makes the loss better for you? She pinned your ass to the mat. And that’s what she didn’t do to me. So yup, as long as you’re out here pretending that some of your losses are wins - whether via words, in the ring, or both! - you’re damn right I’ll keep bringing them up. Literally the only defence you’re offering around them is to say that doing so makes me feel like I have a chance.

Except, you being you simply makes me know that it’s not a chance I have here, Chris. It’s a goddamn certainty.

You know what, maybe I should just start calling my shot on how I might lose this championship now”

Insert stupid Chris Page imitation voice here.


Stop Chris Page voice. And then shoot yourself in the fucking head because that’s what it feels like after listening to the real thing. The suicide thing really sells the immersion!

“Oh boy! That would give me more of a chance to talk about Corey! But I shouldn’t do that, should I, Chris? TALKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE IS BAD!

Fine for you, but not for anyone else.

You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say the amount of time you’re spending shipping Corey and I suggests that man-on-man action is on your mind. That’s okay though, buddy! It’s the 21st Century! We’re all down with that now. Here, let me even give you the visual of me in a dress so you can actually get hard next time you’re cutting one of those awkward promos in a hotel room just before or just after a night of disappointing missionary between you and Jess!

Thank fuck you haven’t done that this time round!”

[Image: rOYeGFw.jpg]

“Two can play at the sex-life game, Chris, and yours is way more cringe than my ass getting friendzoned months ago.

Even so, you told me off for talking about Thad and Corey, despite the fact that Corey has a 24/7 briefcase. Or ‘had’, I suppose. Now Thad ‘has’ it. When you were the Universal Champion, I sure heard you talking about lil ol’ me and my briefcase, though. Funny that. But no, I shouldn’t acknowledge them, right? I shouldn’t acknowledge Thad like you do Robert; I shouldn’t acknowledge Corey like you do… did… whatever, when it comes to B.O.B. I shouldn’t do any of that!

You’re starting to see how this works, right?

Everything you’re saying is just one rule for you; another for others. But that doesn’t hold up against someone like me, because I don’t have a hero complex that I feel like I need to defend. I’m perfectly content with being a dirtbag. Honestly, and I say this with all love and respect, and full sympathy for his current condition, but Chris… you’re thinking of Corey, not of me.

So… let me flip this script for you. Let’s play ‘One rule for me.’

Because I don’t get stopped. I keep fucking going. And you’re not going to change that. You’re the kind of guy who has gone out of his way over the past several months to point out that Robert Main isn’t the man he once was, and yet now you’re still claiming your victory over him as a win? Nah, miss me with that. That’s the definition of a ‘swing and a miss’ if you ask me, so thanks for bringing it up. Except… I was actually referring to your announcement of your claiming your rematch. Which you would understand… if you could listen. But hey, if you want to keep on yapping away in your own little bubble, you do you. I’ll be over here at the adult’s table. Still playing Pokémon though, because that’s pretty much all the prep I need to be your daddy.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, Chris, but the XWF has absolutely stopped being about you. Actually… I don’t hate breaking that to you at all. But even with Oswald winning the Anarchy Championship…

Told you I’d keep talking about them!

He knows he doesn’t just get to pick and choose his defences of that championship, right?

Unlike the Billion Dollar.

Or unlike you. hasn’t changed a damn thing with how B.O.B. is viewed. If anything, the view from the people I’ve talked to is that YOU leaving them actually makes them better!

Want me to name names?

DMs, buddy! HA!

Fuck outta here with that.

I can’t name names, because I just made that shit up.

Just. Like. You.

I ain’t interested in this teenage, Facebook melodrama. There won’t be no sliding into those DMs. I’mma fuck you right here out in the open!

So I’m going to ask you again, who was talking about The Beast returning between War Games and when I first asked?

Name them.

Or… just be a bitch like you already have and don’t. Your call.

I’m going to say this again, Chris, and I’m actually going to mean it this time: you’re right. You’re right that I do need this win. Not for credibility, no. People don’t get that by beating you - just look at Lycana as evidence. I need this win for the same reason I needed to beat Chris Chaos; the same reason I needed to beat Atara Themis; the same reason I needed to win every match that I’ve ever had.

I need it so my fight can continue.

And I have a very good track record in this space, Chris.




Go fuck yourself, Thad.

Let me ask you something. Just how was it that those two ‘doormats’ were beaten before the bell even rung?

Because of me, Chris.

Because I’m impervious to the ridiculous shit that you’re trying to pull. It’s the same fucking game Chaos did - hell, even back then I told him that he’s acting a lot like you. As in… acting like he’s better than he is.

But you’re not.

You’re water off my fucking back.

Like a Pokémon!

Or my bitch.

Better go back to these gems, Chris:”

“TK was right, that really was your best work!

Chris, you spent so much time trying to criticise me for criticising B.O.B., but that’s because I’ve already torn your asshole apart and shoved both fists in it. You’re just playing catch-up.

Well catch-up quick, son, ‘cause I’m just about to ramp the fuck up.

See, you’re mistaking me not seeking to be the ‘OMG GREATEST CHAMPEEN EVAAAAH!’ with not caring. I care. Just not about you.

I don’t think I even need to bother ‘eating Chris Page’. With where your mind is at, you’re going to fucking do it for me.”


Ate 'Em All

[Image: SC7mNUv.jpg]
Banner courtesy of Atara Themis
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