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The PokeBOB Saga: Vermilion (Episodes 8-10)
Author Message
 ALIAS  Offline
D'Ville's Bane
TITLE - Universal Champion



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


Post: #1
08-21-2021 04:06 PM

OOC: The first part is set within 24 hours of Warfare, the end a little later than that.




3A: Alias Was Right

“Sir, you can’t come in here!” a nurse, tired but relentless, chases after the shaggy mutt. He perches upon the back of an awkward armchair, feet firmly upon the seat while his hips work to keep himself balanced. The nurse stands with her hands on her hips, and a real ‘fuck you’ look on her face. “You’re going to have to leave.”

So she says.

Personally, I try not to get bothered by the thoughts of others. Still, the several security guards stepping behind her - their hands on the hilts of their stun guns - certainly sends an ominous message.

“He’s fine!” Dolly Waters calls, pushing her way in front of me.

“Ms. Waters, we still need to document visitors appropriately in case of an outbreak…” the nurse pleads.

“Just put my details down again,” Dolly argues.

“This is highly irregular, Ms. Waters,” she continues.

“Ugh!” Dolly groans, throwing her hands in the air as she turns her back. “I don’t fuckin’ care!”

Recognising the circumstances, the nurse nods and whispers something to one of the security guards. I watch in earnest as his hand relaxes upon his weapon and the security, along with the nurse, retreat backwards leaving me alone in the room with Dolly.

And Corey Smith.

“It’s always something with you,” she complains as she falls, exasperated, into the flimsy chair next to Corey’s bed. Corey himself lies motionless save for the gentle rising of his chest as he breathes - barely detectable underneath a crumpled white sheet. But I see it nonetheless, and it lends me a sliver of relief. He’s breathing, that’s a start.

Dolly practically man-spreads on the chair, her head held up by a hand under her chin and the connecting elbow wedged firmly into the chair’s arm. Her sullen gaze doesn’t shake from Corey’s inanimate body. Though she was a bit curt, I can’t hold her frustration against her. I can see behind those sorrowed green eyes, and there… she’s not mad, especially not at me. Even if I said the name that I can almost hear running through her mind, I’d still question whether it was anger she was feeling, or something closer to hopelessness.

Lost.

But not alone.

“How is he?” I ask, stepping towards the bed.

“No fucking idea,” she spits.

Lost.

But not alone.

Her eyes flick to me for just a moment, but as they do, she exhales emphatically and leans forward in her chair.

“We’re gonna get him back to the commune tomorrow,” she explains. “There’ll be some sorta in-home care from there.”

“They don’t know what’s wrong with him?” I ask, keeping my eyes on Corey. His was the first helping hand that had been offered to me in over a decade, and that kindness then led me to Dolly. It allowed me to bridge the divide with Betsy. It brought me… friends. More than anything, it made me feel human.

“Something about his brain,” she shakes her head. “Honestly, I wasn’t really keepin’ up.”

“And Thad…?”

There it is. The dagger in the heart. Tears well in the corners of Dolly’s eyes and I immediately regret bringing his name up.

There isn’t a single part of me that wants to say ‘I told you so’. Especially under these circumstances.

“I’m going to make a mask out of his fucking face,” I say, with a calmness that would send a shiver up the spine of anyone who heard. Anyone except for Dolly. Perhaps even then, on another day…

“No!” She jerks to her feet. Wiping away the tears, her expression shifts from sadness to rage and I feel her poking around inside my soul. “I get first crack.”

I nod in acquiescence. I understand completely.

We both settle our eyes back onto Corey, and in silence we watch his chest rise and fall.

“Do you mind stayin’ a while?” Dolly asks, piercing the moment. “Maybe tell me one of yer stupid feckin’ stories.”

“PokéBob?” I almost chuckle.

“Sure,” she says. “Just make sure I’m in this one. Corey too.”

“I’m sure I can come up with something.”





Episode 8: Joy

“Easy buddy,” I say, gently slapping Big Preesh’s swollen, sweat-clogged cheeks with my (thankfully) gloved right hand. He had fainted with a notable thud at the mere sight of Atara. But after she and I did the deed, now I feel like I have to figure out how to raise the dead. “Are you with me?”

grumblegrumblegrumbleSLURPgrumblegrumblegrumlbeCOUGHgrumblegrumblegrumbleSTICKAF​INGERINMYASSDADDYgrumbelgrumblegrumble.”

“This might take us a while.” I look up across Preesh’s bulbous belly to where Charmeleon stands. Clefairy opted to return to its ball, and both Preesh’s Geodude and Onix were automatically zapped there after being exposed to Aphrodite’s charms. Charmeleon cocks its head to the side as it listens. “Any ideas?”

A glint of light catches Charmeleon’s claws.

“No!” I admonish the young creature. “We are not slicing him open! We need to keep him around for comic relief. That is, unless you want to try your hand at some ‘Knock, Knock’ jokes?”

Charmeleon lowers its arm, hiding its claws for now.

“How the hell are we going to move this tub of lard to get him some help?” I lament.

But then… as is convenient in these sorts of games, the deus-ex-machina!

DING! DING! DING!

A bell rings out down the street. Confused by the commotion, I pop my head out of the Water Gym and see a cart being pulled down the street by large pink globs. Chanseys! What good fortune! In the cart, a blonde nurse impressively balances on the rumbling timber, ringing a bell, and shouting as it chimes.

“Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead!” The nurse looks me dead in the eye as the cart nears me. “Bring out yer dead!”

“I can’t!” I call out to her, raising my voice above the ringing. Incomprehensible over the rabble, she says something to the Chanseys and they screech to a halt. Literally. It’s fucking ear-piercing.

“What did you say?” the nurse asks from atop the cart.

“I’ve got a guy in here who needs help,” I tell her. “But he’s enormous! I don’t think I can bring him out to you.”

“Sorry, I don’t do people,” she says. Just before she turns back to speak to the Chanseys, I try one more time.

“There are Pokémon too!”

“Oh?” Yes! That got her attention.

“A Geodude and an Onix,” I explain. “They’re in their balls, but they’re not in very good shape.”

“You brought rock- and ground-types to a water gym?” she eyes me suspiciously. “Yer fuckin’ nuts.”

“Please?” I plead. I hadn’t bothered to stock up on supplies. Back before I faced Big Preesh, I had the opportunity to stock up on supplies, but I didn’t take it. After all, I don’t fucking need them. But I hadn’t counted on this walking lunchbox tagging along for the journey.

“Fine,” she concedes, and hops off the cart with a tremendous leap. “I’m Nurse Dolly.”

Motioning to the Chanseys, the reigns drop where they stand and the critters file in behind Nurse Dolly through the door that I hold open. Inside the gym, she sees Big Preesh lying flat on his back, spread-eagle like the Virturvian Man, with his stomach rising into the air as if it was a gigantic marshmallow mountain.

“This the guy wit’ the rock Pokémon?” she asks. I nod. “Figures. Humans have types too, and this fuckin’ Snorlax looks like he’s an extra dumb-type. The Charmeleon his too?”

“No, Charmeleon’s with me,” I reply. Charmeleon puffs out smoke while it waits.

“I told you that you were fuckin’ nuts.” She doesn’t even look at me while she speaks.

“I still got the badge,” I retort. That gets her to look though. She pauses and snorts a chuckle, before getting back to her work. Crouching down, she reaches to Preesh’s hip and lifts up folds of fat to find his balls.

NOT THOSE BALLS!

As she struggles to unhook them from his belt, the sleeping furbeast begins to stir.

Uh oh…

Big meaty paws grab at the nurse’s shoulders.

“Oh mama!” he growls in excitement. “How long was I out for? It must be ya boy’s birthday!”

“Get the fuck off me!” Dolly screams. Preesh, still woozy, and just naturally slow and greasy all round, can’t get a good grip on her, and she fights her way to her feet.

“SHAWTY!” Preesh still calls after her. “Don’t do me like dat, shawty!”

“I’ll fuckin’ do ya like this!” she replies, winding up her leg and delivering a mighty punt right into Lil Preesh. Clutching his crotch, he howls in pain. Not content with the physical damage, Dolly spits up a tremendous logie and ejects it right at Preesh’s face. “Fuckin’ perv.”

Charmeleon looks to me for answers on what to do next, but I genuinely don’t have a clue. Preesh does his best to recover on the ground - and by that I mean he manages to roll onto his side and almost fall into the pool - while Nurse Dolly goes about loading Preesh’s balls into some sort of portable healing thingamajig. A lovely melody of beeping and booping plays as the lights on the machine flash. In just a few short seconds, the balls pop out of the machine again and while Preesh still figures out how to roll himself into a position he can stand up from, Dolly opts to hand the Pokémon back to me.

“Word of advice?” she offers. Before I answer, she continues. “I know where yer wantin’ to go, but the roads south and east are both blocked right now. They’re no-go. There’s a tunnel that can get you even further south though, but you’ll need it to get it unlocked. The old man up who lives in the cottage up north should be able to help.”

“Uh… thanks?” I say. What a useful piece of exposition she just dropped on me! I wasn’t expecting that. Although… this wouldn’t be the first time she’s acted as a guide for me.

Dolly smiles as she rounds up the Chanseys. The file out in an almost military-fashion, just as Preesh gets to his feet.

“SHAWTY!” he calls once more. “Come back!”

I just shake my head as I give him back his balls.






Episode 9: Bill

“Do ya think she was legal?” Preesh asks, as the dainty sea cottage of the man I’m seeking comes into view. Up here on the coast, the salt that tangs the air is a hell of a lot more refreshing than that which streamed from Preesh’s armpits while we trekked through Mt. Moon.

“Nurse Dolly?” I clarify, hoping he’s not going where I think he is with this.

“Yeah,” he replies. “Homegirl was finna jump on deez nuts at any second, but I had to pull back just in case, ya dig?”

No. No I do not ‘dig’. This is exactly what I was hoping wouldn’t happen.

“Shit man,” I say. “The only legal thing you should be worried about with her is the word ‘consent’.”

He’s looking at me. I can tell he’s listening. But… he’s not hearing is he?

“Dat’s what I’m sayin’!” No. No he’s not hearing. And no, that’s not what he was saying. “I wasn’t givin’ that twelve-year old ho no consent to ride space mountain!”

Though I roll my eyes at him, I really feel like it’s not enough. How many eye rolls can I make until something simply needs to change?

In this case, I feel it best to just not push the issue further. Dolly’s gone back to saving the dead - because she can - while the red roof of the cottage is now bright before our eyes. A few stray lianas creep their way up the side of the stone building, weaving their way through bumps in the surface both real and imagined.

I know the feeling.

I step up to the door, and reach an E.T.-like index finger towards the door bell, only for a heated conversation from the other side to prompt me towards a different course of action. I bust through the door without asking! Preesh bumbles in after me, but I’m already zig-zagging through the house to seek the source of the voices.

And then I do.

“Aw, come on! Give me the key, Theo!” Corey begs, his voice shrill and almost completely out of character. What the fuck is going on with him?

"As I said, I don't give a fuck who your grandfather is. Unless you have something you can offer me, no deal." Theo, the man he's talking to, stands with his arms crossed in a suit white enough to be a lab coat. He looks down his long nose at Corey, with no attempt at all to hide his disapproval.

"HOW 'BOUT MY BIG DICK HOMIE HERE TAKES THE B.O.B. LEADER OUT BACK AND PISTOL WHIPS THAT MU'FUCKA!!" Big Preesh with the completely irrelevant entrance.

When both their eyes turn to face us I have no choice but to step forward. Big Preesh’s massive frame is blocking the only other route.

"You want to take down B.O.B.?" Theo asks.

"'Want' is a strong word," I say.

"That could work," he rubs his chin in thought, fading out to a memory. "They’re getting a little stale for my liking. Something to spruce it up could be a good money-maker. Deal. I'll give you the key to the underground tunnel, on one condition."

He turns to Corey.

"Beat the shit out of this little asshole."

Corey’s eyes widen in shock. Then fury. Then excitement.

"Yes!" he jumps for joy. "Let’s test how far we've come! Winner gets the key!"

"Just take it outside," Theo interjects, before anything gets out of hand. "There's shit in here worth more than all of you put together."

He points past Big Preesh, and taking our cue, we backtrack through the house and out to the cliffs that lead down to the ocean.


COREY WOULD LIKE TO BATTLE



Upon their cliffs, the waves crash like thunder. Theo watches from the doorway. Preesh, from a small patch of grass he fell sat down in.

I lock eyes with my foe.

Corey chooses Butterfree.


[Image: disRDnx.jpg]



"YO!" Preesh yells, before I get a chance to act. "A fuckin' butterfly? The fuck you thinkin' bringin' dat limp-dick shit to a cock fight?"

"All of us deserve a chance," he states, serene and self-aware. Instantly my ears prick up. This… this sounds like the Corey I know. "No matter how small, no matter how meek, we each deserve a chance. There can be beauty in the smallest of places."

Okay, a bit on the mushier side than usual, but that's my boy right there!

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Preesh adds, helpfully.

"Well… yeah." Preesh has no idea how to respond. Theo is just living in a perennial faceplate. Corey watches me. "Who's going to face Christian here?"

"Christian?" Of course he fucking named it Christian.

Charmeleon steps forward of its own volition.

Christian fucking shits itself.

"Hello Doves…"

So I'm just going to drop the 'Pidove' thing from last time since really there are only 151 true Pokémon.

All eyes on her. Atara, the gym leader I took the Cascade Badge from, leans against a wooden fence post, the backdrop of the cliffs behind her reminiscent of Santorini. Big Preesh faints all over again. At least his Pokémon are safe this time.

"Making children fight for your entertainment again, Theo?" her husked voice is damp with condescension. "Don't you have any other way to get your jollies all the way out here by your lonesome?"

"I'm a complex man," Theo grins.

"Still just a man though, aren't you?" She slinks forward, legs crossing the centre line as she grunge walks across Corey and I's battlefield, cutting it in half. She walks right up to Theo and simply plucks the keys from his hand. He doesn’t do a thing to stop her.

Atara tosses the keys over her shoulder and they land effortlessly into my hands. Still trapping Theo in her eyes, she blows him a kiss before turning her attention to me.

"I'm coming with," she says. I can tell it's not a request. "This B.O.B. shit is played out. Time to scorched earth these bitches."

"Funny… Theo shared similar sentiments." Atara glares back over her shoulder at Theo.

"Maybe not identical…" he shrugs.

"Fine!" Corey cuts in, once more in a nasally, whine. Seriously, what the fuck is going on there? "If you're just going to give him the key, I'll find my own way!"

And like that, Christian is back in his ball and Corey has stormed off in a huff.

"I could've just unlocked the door for both of us…" I mumble, not really understanding what's going on.

"You coming?" Atara asks, already walking off. "Your fat friend will catch up."

"He's not really my friend…" I mutter once more. Looking over to where he's passed out, I really don't see how he could possibly catch up. Then again, watching Atara walk away, I can understand why someone like him might be motivated.

"Before you go," Theo says, bounding down the steps and stopping at their bottom. "I want to make sure you know what you’re dealing with. I've walked with kings and I've fought with legends. And each of them, has at some point, had to make a decision on how they’re going to evolve. They can make minor changes and keep their flare burning just as it was, jolt their systems and change drastically, or some… some simply fade away with the vapors. You have a choice to make too. You decide how you evolve."

I stand there flabbergasted. What the fuck is this shit? This is Nurse Dolly all over again!

"Now get the fuck out of here," he says, sharply. In just a couple of quick seconds, he's back in his house and the door slams shut.

I stumble down the path. Preesh begins to rise and Atara's figure begins to blur into the seaspray mist. But I think upon what Theo said. On how I want to evolve.

I don’t like the idea of choosing.

I'm going to do it all.





Episode 10: Thunder

“SSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!”

As the setting sun cast an orange glow over the day, the suffering creature stumbled out of the bay and fell face down upon the sand. It clutched its head as it rolled on the ground, clearly in pain.

It was helpful having Atara join the party. She knew the way to the underground pathway well, and when we got there, Theo’s key worked a charm. There was nothing extraordinary about the path itself. This world is full of underground caverns and caves - it really makes you wonder what kind of crack the people who dreamed of it are on.

Wait… does that mean me?

The pathway opened out into yet another new city, and the three of us all shared in its beauty, if just for a second.

“I’m fuckin’ hungry!” Preesh had said, ruining the mood. Atara joined me in the constant state of eye roll, but it was then that we saw the creature waddling through the shallows in a muddled zigzag. Slinking close, we found a discreet spot in the dunes from which we could watch.

“The trick to catching a water-type…” Atara whispers, careful not to alert the creature and exacerbate its headache, “…is to remember that at the end of the day, we all originated there. The water is all of our home.”

A part of me wants to fucking scream. More of this cryptic bullshit?

Who the fuck do they think they are? Me?

Still, another part of me implicitly understands what she means.

I move forward before Atara thinks I’m ready. With cautious steps, I find a way through the dunes that disrupts their natural state as little as possible. That’s called respect. And as I near the pained creature, I feel an instant connection.

It looks up to me from the sand.

I place a ball between us, and it makes the choice to get up. It makes the choice to stagger forward.


[Image: XispCoG.png]



It makes the choice to enter.


Psyduck is caught!



I return with the ball to where Atara now stands atop the dunes. Big Preesh is half asleep behind her. The big fella’s had a hard day of being a letch. I won’t hold it against him.

“You know water is weak against electric, right?” Atara asks me as I join her once more. She gives Preesh a quick kick to his side - he’s had enough crotch-trauma for the time being - and we begin our walk while Preesh wakes and groans about wishing Atara’s foot had been put somewhere else. We push on, knowing by now that he will indeed catch-up. Eventually.

“So?” I ask, wondering why she’s pointing out type effectiveness to me.

“The next fight is against an electric-type leader,” she replies.

“So?” I repeat. She doesn’t press the issue. She knows why I’m asking. She knows it doesn’t matter.

I’m not weak against any type.

We don’t walk for long. Pretty soon we’re where we were always going to end up. The largest building in the largest city we’ve visited so far. The gym buzzes with electricity. Me? I buzz with power.

The three of us step inside.

“WELL YOU KNOW, MEAN GENE…!” Our ears are assaulted as soon as we enter. There is no Gene in sight. “I’VE FOUGHT GIANTS AND MONSTERS UP AND DOWN THE COUNTRY, AND NOW I’M HERE ON THE PRECIPICE, DUDE! YOU’RE LOOKING AT THE NEW WORLD ORDER OF POKÉMON!”



LT. BORDEN WOULD LIKE TO BATTLE



Borden? Are you kidding me? I look to Atara and she simply shrugs. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Turns out the B.O.B. roster isn’t actually that deep after all. I guess Diesel was the only other option. Either could probably work here.

“I’M THE LIGHTNING AMERICAN, BROTHER!” Lt. Borden continues. “AND I’VE ONLY GOT ONE QUESTION FOR YOU… WHATCHU GONNA DO WHEN BOBAMANIA RUNS WILD ON…”

“MAAAAYN FUCK B.O.B.!” Oh God, now Preesh is shouting too. “SPEAKING OF, YOU BRING YO B.O.B. BOOTY DOWN HERE AND I’MMA GET UP IN DAT BADONKADONK FASTER THAN MY BOY HERE FINNA KNOCK YO ASS OUT!”

>.>

Atara makes that face. Her expression begs me to make it stop.

Fine.

Charmeleon steps forward but…

Psyduck chooses itself.


[Image: XispCoG.png]



“HA!” Lt. Borden continues to fucking shout. “I CAN’T BELIEVE MY EYES! WHAT SORT OF VANILLA MIDGET IS THIS?”

Lt. Borden chooses Pikachu.


[Image: h3UxC5d.jpg]



I fucking told you we were playing fucking kiddie games.

“Psyduck…” I say. With its hands still pinned to his head, it cranes its head almost entirely upside down to look at me. “I trust you…”

“SSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!”

Psyduck runs amok. It spins in circles, bouncing off the walls. Water spouts everywhere. All of a sudden, everything short circuits.

Including Pikachu.

“Wait… what?” Borden’s much quieter now. “How…? You know what? Fuck it!”

Lt. Borden chooses Raichu.


[Image: OLgoYme.png]



He’s really one-upping these kiddie games, isn’t he?

The thing is, everything’s short-circuiting.

Uh-oh! This is another one of those quick fights.

Not a real one.

Raichu short-circuits.

“THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME, BROTHER!” Lt. Borden screams, as if it makes sense.

Lt. Borden chooses Spearow.


[Image: RJTCQ7S.png]



Yeah, I know it’s not electric.

Whoever said B.O.B. made sense?

Oh, also, short-circuiting. So… Electric > Flying.

Night-night.

Lt. Borden kicks out just after the three. It’s too late.

Another for the collection.


[Image: aKvGhi0.png]


Three down.

~~~~~


“Maybe have Corey be a little less messed up next time. I wasn’t really into that part.”

“Can do.”





3E: Dinner Plate Half-Full

“Oh boy, that was rough, Chris. Tone-fucking deaf and out of touch with what’s going on. But that’s par for the course for you, isn’t it? You’re so consumed by your own self-indulgence that you don’t have a fucking clue what else is going on in the world. Well let me break this down for you… you might think you’re on some ‘next-level’ shit, but you’re playing the wrong fucking game. Shit, Pokémon’s an RPG, cunt! It doesn’t even have levels.

And that’s the thing, man. You’re so fucking limited in your linear thinking. You pride yourself on planning twenty-two steps ahead - in spite of evidence to the contrary! - but it means you just can’t adapt to things that change. Save your fucking quips about Corey Smith being jealous, or about him keeping an eye on who wins this match. That’s the same shit that everyone else said at War Games, and look how that turned out for them? But you wouldn’t have paid attention to that, would you? You wouldn’t have paid attention to the fucking head injury that’s left Corey comatose. Oh no, not Chris Page! You’re perfectly content with running out the same tired quips that the rest of your fucking B.O.B. clown car did. But again, it’s not like you would have paid attention to them either, would you? You know… how Thunder Knuckles said what we all know about how ‘anybody can beat Chris Page’.

I gotta say… I think you’ve convinced me, man! There’s no way in hell that Chris Page is the leader of B.O.B.! The proof is in the pudding, and he couldn’t coordinate himself out of a fucking wet paper bag!

Mungbean > Chris Page.

That’s a joke for the old folks!

Hence why TK also says that you joined B.O.B. rather than created it. We all know that it’s Miss Fury’s baby at the end of the day, and we all wish she would have gotten a fucking abortion. Maybe if you actually were the leader, Chris, B.O.B. might actually be as serious as say… Avalanche, instead of being the joke that it abso-fucking-lutely still is.

That. Has. Not. Changed.

We aren’t taking you seriously, Chris. I said this already, and you still haven’t proven me otherwise, but the only people hyping up any of your bullshit are the people already in B.O.B. To the rest of us, you guys are a fucking punchline. Now, I’ve heard you before say something along the lines of how everyone wants to see B.O.B. fail and at least on that front you’re right. It’s not for the reason that you think though. We’re not scared of you. Literally, not a single person in the XWF is scared of B.O.B.

Still waiting on those three names who were talking about The Beast.

We just find the whole thing embarrassing. The more you guys whore yourselves out, the more ashamed we all are that a line can even be drawn between you numpties, the XWF, and any of us. How are you really going to stand there and tell us that you morons are ‘redefining dominance’ when half the fucking people you’ve named have done nothing but embarrass themselves lately? Oswald, for example, rode a wave of momentum after netting the Star of the Month award as a reward for evolving from utter shitstain to the fucking beacon of medicority… and then blew it all by losing to Ruby. Since then…?

FUCKING NOTHING!

Must have been going to that Miss Fury school of ‘losing to Ruby’. Genius Jess thought she had me hook, line, and sinker, by pointing out that she actually beat Ruby before I even returned! That was back when even you thought that B.O.B. was a joke, Chris. Ergo, if anything, bringing you into the fold has actually made her worse! She had to set-up Centurion, who you so helpfully dismissed the reputation of, in order to get the job done! Now Chris, iIf you think so lowly of Andy, but he was able to do what Jess couldn’t, then what does that say about her?

Come to think about it, wasn’t Andy in the ring with me at War Games? On my side? You know… the winning side. And wasn’t Andre Dixon there too? Pretty sure Andy lasted longer than Andre. So… what does that say about Andre now? Maybe it’s his addition to B.O.B. that made Jess so much shitter. He sure did such an amazing job of beating Marf and then…

FUCKING NOTHING!

Jesus cock-choking Christ, I’m pretty sure Dolly could wheel Corey out right now and even unconscious he’d still find away to fucking stomp Andre. He got him a-fucking-gain at War Games too! Yikes!

That being said, I’m still not convinced that was even the real Andre! Where the fuck did he disappear to again? He’s definitely dead, isn’t he?

But hey… at least Bobby Bourbon beat Corey Smith, right? Only to lose to Vita Valenteen. Yeah… again, that’s not dominance man.

Where the fuck is Chris Chaos with a dictionary when you need him?

Do you know what Bobby showed us, Chris?

Inconsistency.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s incompatible with ‘dominance’.

Good thing that he and TK still have the tag team titles, right?! The one crowning achievement in the B.O.B. trophy cabinet. Or, the only achievement. Even the bWo World Championship isn’t sitting there! Except… nobody’s been able to explain to me just what there is to brag about with respect to the tag team division. You want to take shots at me over my defences? The Disintegrators are so fucking credible, aren’t they? EXP? HA! All you need to fucking do is have one match as a team and you can walk straight into a title match! You don’t even have to win it! Ask The Dissentients what their record was before that three-way back at Snow Job. Spoiler: it was 0 from 1. I should know - I was on the other side! All things considered, I don’t even blame The Bastards seeking competition from other companies, because there isn’t a fucking division here to be had!

Again, that’s not ‘dominance’, Chris. They’re champions of nothing.

So that just brings us to you. The guy who seems to hang his entire reputation on the fact that he turns up to whore himself out more than I do. Chris… we’ve been through this. But you didn’t listen, did you? I’ve done more in the times I have been on the show than you have while pick-and-choosing your opponents, and I don’t even fucking care about being a great ‘champion’. But again… WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.

You just won’t listen.

I’m going to call it right now. Next time? You’re not going to add a damn thing that’s new. You’re not going to prove that your record is better than mine. You can’t. That’s not just an opinion - whether personal or professional - it’s a god damn fact. Because we’re not the same, Chris. You’re going to keep trying to judge me by what you think makes a good champion.

But. I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck.

I’m here to fight. I’m here to survive. You? You reek of someone desperately trying to still prove themselves. And I know what it is that you’re trying to prove. I can look into the Universal Championship right now and hear the whispers from the stars themselves. They’re calling out names, Chris!

Steve Jason.

The Brand.

Jayzon Williamz.

Lee Stone.

T Money.

James Raven.


Robert Main.

Louis.

But do you know whose name they’re not singing? Whose name the stars have already forgotten about?

Chris Page.

You are not one of the chosen, Chris. You are not one of the greats. You’re a sad, pathetic, little worm desperately seeking relevance.

I know! I know! You’re in the Hall of Legends!

But so is Default.

So is Zach Rizza.

So are Clowns ‘R’ Us.

That’s your cohort, Chris. Fucking clowns.

And the great thing about this is that you can turn this little jab right around and point it at me, and I’ll fucking embrace it! Because you’re taking shots at my legacy, but I ain’t even fucking interested in building one. You’re just not fucking getting it. So if you’re going to keep coming with this fucking playground shit, then you can bet your ass I’m going to keep playing Pokémon. And if this is you ‘verbally eviscerating’ me, then I’m gonna need Chris Chaos to do the dictionary trick again. and actually tell you what those words mean. You’re not using them right, bud!

Don’t you get it, though? I’m hungry, Chris, and you’re a fucking bag of chips that’s half-full of air. If this is all you’re bringing, I’mma chew through your ass and still be fucking ravenous.”

King-slayer
God-killer
Legend-breaker
War-winner
World-beater



Ate 'Em All

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