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The PokeBob Saga: Cerulean (Episodes 4-7)
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 ALIAS  Offline
D'Ville's Bane
TITLE - Universal Champion

XWF FanBase:

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)

Post: #1
08-18-2021 08:10 AM


Episode 4: Moon

“AYYY-YO!” I hear a call as the opening of the mountainous cavern rises before me. Both Charmander and I stop and turn to face it. Following our ?defeat? of Big Preesh, I never asked him to get back into his ball. Why would I? Freedom. Autonomy. This is what I believe in.

I push along a stroller.

Charmander chose to follow me. Apparently, so did Preesh.

“They fuckin’ kicked me out of B.O.B.!” Preesh complains as his stubby legs catch up to me. “I gave you the badge, and they fucking kicked me out!”

“And that bothers you?” I ask, completely staggered by the proposition.

“Maaaaayyyn, B.O.B. done fucked up!” he screams, not even acknowledging the question. Within the opening in the mountain I can see shadows flitting to and fro.

“So what do you want?” I press. The children want to yell #FUCKBOB. Me? I’m content to simply watch the comedy show unfold.

“I’mma follow dis fuckin’ ho right here ‘till ‘e gets me to da fuckin’ B.O.B. leader.” Umm… I think I’m the ‘ho’. “Figured you could get me there so I can FUCK ‘EM UP on behalf of da FAB FIVE!”

Fuck me, I don’t even know what the fuck a ‘fab five’ is. One minute Preesh wants back in B.O.B, and then this just one breath later? Wherever it is, he sure seems committed. He’s even jiving on the spot. I’m pretty sure this is kind of racist.

He wants to come with me?

“Okay,” I say. I don’t have a choice.

Because I go forward.

Ever forward.

Inside the mountain we are met with darkness. To Preesh and I, it’s familiar. It was he and I who fought, not our companions.

Charmander lights its tail.


As they did in the forest, rodents scuttle once more. Not rats but shrews. In the light of the glowing fire, they do their best to avoid us. Preesh’s one nut Geodude does its best to blast them away. Every now and then, he whips out his massive snake Onix to add some extra hardness to our defence. But we push on.

When we trip over similar stones, Preesh drops his nuts and scares them away.

When bats fly by, they’re batted the fuck away.

And when mushrooms poke through the ground atop pincers ready to slice, a part of me remembers the high. The Love. But I’ve moved on. No longer the frightened little boy. Warrior. Conqueror.

Ever forward.

A man offers a choice between fossils, but I’m well and truly done with the fucking past by now.

Pity some of us still hang on that shit.




Luckily, there is a light.

At the end of the… tunnel.

At the end of the… life.

At the end of the…

[Image: ZBsmgaX.jpg]

A light!

My companion’s tail burns bright, awaiting my instructions. I grip a Master Ball in my hand behind my hip.

Cheat codes, remember!

But I don’t throw it.

And I don’t choose Charmander.

I simply place it upon the ground, and the Clefairy makes its own choice. Freedom. Autonomy.

Clefairy is caught!

And then I step into the light.

Episode 5: Rocket

The sun is still high.


I forget.

It twinkles on the surface of the many blue ponds that scatter the path from the cave to a shimmering city that rises ahead.

“Yo!” One can always rely on Big Preesh to disrupt the serenity. “Yous don’t talk much, do ya?”

Charmander looks up to me with wisdom beyond its years.

“Depends on the context,” I reply. True to form, Charmander and I step forward towards the water features. Exposed directly to the sun like this, another water feature begins to pool on Preesh’s back.

But the serenity is broken once more.

“Stop right there!” a voice calls out. “Prepare for trouble!”

“And make it double!” a second joins in. From around us, two figures rush in and unite in a pose that is either supposed to be intimidating, or sexual. Or both. In unison they begin to chant.

“To protect the world from devastation!”
“To unite all peoples within our nation!”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”
“To extend our reach to the stars above!”

You know, when you really look into those lyrics, they don’t make a lick of sense.

“Jimmy!” the more feminine of the two boasts.

“Rob!” adds the other.

“Team Apex blasts off at the speed of light!
Surrender now, or prepare to fight!”

“Drew! That’s right!” comes a third, as if they popped up straight from the ground. He has a rubber chicken in a choke grip. That probably won’t even be relevant later.

“Did you guys see any fossils in there?” Rob asks. “We’re uh… we’re collectors.”

“I can tell,” I say, side-eyeing him. Pretty sure I can see mothballs falling out of his open orifices. At the end of the day, I’m sure we’re going to be seeking the same collectible at some point. But today’s not that day. He wants the fossil. I want everything. “Some guy was offering them in there, but we weren’t interested.”

“I sure as shit ain’t needin’ no ancient dick to cast a spell on yo’ crusted pussies!” Ever the fucking charmer.

“Abra Kadabra,” Drew says. In this world, those two words should mean something in particular. In typical Drew fashion, however, they’re just a letdown. But hey… everyone needs a talent.

“The fuck you say?” Preesh squares up. I guess ‘Abra Kadabra’ is a trigger phrase for him. Team Apex look at each other and make their decision.


Rob chooses Koffing.

[Image: XXwtsPJ.jpg]

Typical. Full of gas.

Jimmy chooses Ekans.

[Image: 4WIuJdK.png]

A snake in the fucking grass.

Drew chooses himself.

[Image: p16btDo.png]

Fucking pussy.

(Please ignore the contradiction of him actually opting to fight for himself. KTHXBAI!)

“I got this, fam!” Preesh says, looking in my direction. I think he’s trying to reassure me.

Big Preesh chooses Geodude and Onix.

[Image: 4hdXdta.jpg][Image: cGIxepa.jpg]

“Hey hoss…” Jimmy chimes in. “Your rock-n-rollas look a lil one-sided there. Seems like your rockin’ a leaning tower of nether bone.”

“Huh?” It’s hard to know whether Preesh can’t understand Jimmy because he’s as thick as pig-shit, or if it’s because Jimmy doesn’t make any fucking sense. Either way, Preesh is sure he should be offended. “You bitch! I’m gonna fuck yo mama!”


The odds aren’t in his favour.

Charmander steps forward of its own volition. And with its courage…

[Image: InJBejV.jpg]

[Image: yBxYfUr.png]

Team Apex stops and ponders their next move.

In the face of the growing fire…

There is only one choice.

Episode 6: Jenny


A shrill whistle ripples across the ponds. Sounds of running footsteps arrive just as Team Apex leaves.

“Hey!” a policewoman yells as she catches up to Preesh and I. “Have you seen a group of criminals around here?”

“Two people pretending to be tough guys, and a weird little sidekick-mascot-thing that they keep around for reasons that I’m sure they don’t even understand?” I ask for clarification.

“Sounds like them,” she confirms. “I’m Officer Betsy, and I’ve been trying to find those three for weeks!”

“Guuuuurl,” Preesh’s face screws up in what I think is an attempt at flirting. “You ain’t gotsta be chasing no crims, ya feel? I’ll let you cuff me any day!”

“Uh… hard pass.” Her eyes nearly scream at the mere thought.

“They were here,” I shrug. “Don’t know where they went.”

“I expected you to be a bit more helpful,” she frowns at me. I can’t help but to feel as though there’s something else behind the statement.

“If you need more…” I begin to say. She raises a hand that’s part ‘stop talking’ and part ‘it’s okay’. I stop anyway.

“Not now,” She gently shakes her head. “This is a different matter for the time being. I appreciate the offer though. You’ve got a different job ahead of you, and that… that’ll help.”

I understand.

Preesh doesn’t.

“Baby, if he ain’t gonna get up in dem guts, come swing back around ta ya boy.” Officer Betsy pays him no mind.

“Let me walk you into the city,” she says to me. “I know where you’re going.”

Of course she does. She’s been to the future.
I nod, and she leads the way down the trail. Deflated, Preesh returns his rocky metaphor to their balls and follows after, making absolutely zero effort to hide that his line of sight is firmly on Officer Betsy’s ass. Charmeleon doesn’t get in a ball though. It walks with us. It also doesn’t act like a complete sleaze.

We pass the glistening water and into the city proper. It’s much like the previous one, except instead of being coloured in earth it's painted in aqua. Fountains abound, with water cascading from statues divine. The officer takes us past shops and homes, some whole, some ruined. One of the most significant appears to be a bike shop, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why anybody would need a bicycle if they’ve got two perfectly good feet.

But the bike shop isn’t the largest building. That honour falls to the place Officer Betsy stops in front of.

“Here it is,” she says with a smile. “We’ll meet again. For now, this is your fight.”

“Thank you,” I say.

And I mean it.

I’ll fight if I’m asked.


But some fights are personal. I, of all people, understand that. And at the end of the day… I have my own mission.

So I step inside.

Episode 7: Cascade

“Hello Pidoves,” a throaty voice welcomes.

Wrong Gen? Fuck it! It works!


Big Preesh’s jaw drops, and with it, he drops his balls too. They hit the ground and those rocky parts of him come to the surface. Onix uses harden, and he didn’t even ask.

“Oh dear,” Atara coyly teases. She lays in a bikini sprawled across a clamshell sofa. A pool extends in front of her, fed by a spout at the end of Eros’s bow, as his winged statue rises on my side of the water. In the Aegean blue, adonises (adonisi sounds cooler) and nymphs gayfully frolic. She doesn’t bother to move. “Is that a rock type Pokémon or are you just happy to see me?”

“Hummina, hummina, hummina.” Preesh devolves to base instinct, stammering and letting his tongue unravel as his eyes bulge like something out of a cartoon.

Play kiddie games.

“Typical,” she scoffs. “Men are always out here leaving me to get myself wet.”

Atara chooses Staryu.

[Image: dwkltzZ.png]

“Water Gun,” she says, and on cue, her Staryu sprays down the Geodude, Onix, and Preesh himself. They all faint. Literally.

With a curious eye, she casts her vision to me. And to Charmeleon.

“Now… you’re something else entirely, aren’t you?” This time she moves. She swings her long legs over the side of the symbolic sofa and leans forward to get a better look at us. “Bringing fire to this place? Bold choice. But yet…”

She sees it before I feel it. The ball on my hip is shaking. I unlatch it from my belt and without the need for any overt gestures, Clefairy emerges.

[Image: oxXBbuR.png]

It fell from above and well beyond,
That damned shooting star.
At the touch of the light, dark absconds,
And it flees afar.
With toes dipped in the shallow pond,
Thine discord doth mar…

I saw Discord watching from behind the Incarnate, but I fear that’s a course I’ll never travel.

Staryu spins.

Clefairy sings.

Where once observed a hopeful bond,
Reputations tar.

“I expected more of a fight,” I say, as Staryu falls asleep. Atara rises to her feet.

She’ll always be good for one.

Atara chooses Starmie.

[Image: oNeZsY7.jpg]

Evolution. A possible solution. But now they all do the same. Same tricks. Same approaches. They literally all failed.

I don’t fail.

I do the same, and it fucking works.

Clefairy sings.

Starmie sleeps.

And I take my prize.

[Image: hpQS24r.png]

Two down.

To place upon an altar.


“Only one true fight, remember?

Still waiting...”

2E: Of Legends, Icons, and Gods (and Jokes)

“While we’re speaking of ‘true fights’, Chris, I told you not to get me started on your defences, buddy, but now look what you went and did! You’re going to get me started!

Big picture though, I’ve got to say, I am still so… disappointed. First there was the underwhelming challenge itself, and now there’s this! I heard so many things about the ‘great’ Chris Page - mind you, pretty much all of it came out of your own mouth - but here you are saying damn near everything that I’ve already called you out on. I was expecting something more. What’s that trick that you would use back at High Stakes? Oh yeah, I remember...

Remember when we were almost friends, Marf?

I remember you hyping up having something super-duper to say about Corey and I, and then I remember you not following through. You know… like you just did now. I thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d have been holding onto a new line of thought that you were just waiting to drop on me, but nope! At least you’re consistent, right?

Good thing for you that I’ve got something new to add!

I’m just not going to give it to you today.

See how lame that makes me sound?

Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, Chris?

Still… just wait for the finale! It’s gonna be a hoot!

But fuck it, I told you we were playing kiddie games, so let’s play. Who have we got on that list of defences of yours? Drew Archyle. Demos. RL Edgar. John Black. Robert Main. Thanks for making the list nice and easy for me to access, my man! I noticed that you left off the farce that was your defence against Big D though, and I can’t say I blame you for that, but I’m just going to go ahead and slide him in place anyway. I’m sure it was an honest oversight and you weren’t trying to sweep that fucking joke under the rug to try and make yourself look better.

So… now that we’ve got the established list in place, let’s compare quote-unquote ‘doormats’! I’m going to go in order!

Big D vs. “Corporate” Chaos.

I will quite literally be one of the first people in line to shit all over Chaos. And I quite literally mean ‘quite literally’ - that is, when I’m not ravaging his little bootyhole. But! One of these two men is a former Universal Champion, while the other is… Big D. Point me, right?

Drew Archyle vs. Atara Themis.

I’m not about to stand here and sing the virtues of Drew Archyle, but I think we can both agree at least he’s a step up from D, right? The thing is… he never earned his shot. Atara Themis did. I believe you even called her… ‘elite’, as you personally gave her a ‘seat at the table’ so-to-speak. So let’s go ahead and notch another point on my ledger, yeah? Wouldn’t want to make you look like a giant dummy! Yet.


Demos vs. Atara Themis.

Oh yeah, did you forget about the two-for-one there? Bitch, I went into War Games having defended the Universal Championship as much as you had as of today! Yet you want to throw some little jabs in about me not working for what I hold? I pulled double-duty that night, AND then again at War Games. Still won ‘em all, I might add. And if we’re comparing these two, well we’re kind of at a stalemate in terms of them both being notorious bed-shitters, BUT!!!!... Atara still technically earned her shot, even if it was through a loophole. You chose to defend against Demos.

PLEASE try to dispute that. RL Edgar will be a fluffy fucking bunny compared to me.

Comparing Atty Atara and Demos… at worst it’s a draw. But really, I’m still thinking the point goes to me given how I didn’t hand-pick my own opponents there.

And then there’s you. I don’t need to go into Edgar, Black, or Main, because based on the lengths of our reigns we’re fucking EVEN on defences, AND I’ve had two other matches to balance out your ONE against Mickey fucking Kincaid of all people, yet I’m the one who isn’t doing enough, right? Bitch, I’m here to meet my goals, not yours, yet even though I don’t give a shit about working and I’ve still been OUT-WORKING you! So save me the nonsense about the ‘taking on all comers’. It’s a fucking myth. You fucking chose Demos; you fucking chose Edgar; shit Drewskie asked and you fucking agreed! Ergo, you fuckingchose Archyle too! Remind me who’s the one whispering sweet nothings into their challengers’ ears? Shit, the only way Black or D would have ever got a fucking sniff of an opportunity is if they were also hand-picked, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt there - mostly just for a laugh.

Me? Chaos was chosen by Theo Pryce. Atara cashed in her Shooting Star Championship - twice. I made sure that could never happen again. And now you, cashing in the rematch that you are absolutely entitled to. You know… the one I’ve been saying ‘come and fucking get it’ over since the moment I took this championship from the fucking husk that was left behind. That… that’s a hell of a lot closer to ‘taking on all comers’ than you ever were.

But my Universal reign isn’t the only championship reign you’ve been taking shots at, is it?

Fuck it, let’s go there too. I’m gonna shuffle things around a little chronologically because comparing Drew Archyle to Reggie Estrada as our respective second defences, and Louis to John Black as our fifth seems a bit off, but even so…

John Black vs. Reggie Estrada.

That’s a wash, right? Neither of us really get one up there.

Big D vs. Ash Quinn.

I guess Big D takes that one? Congrats, the Universal Champion had ONE defence more credible than the X-Treme Champion. You know… like it should be. Keep in mind, that was also only my fifth match back. Keep also in mind that I had a bit of a personal beef going on there. If it’s okay for you to choose your defences three times over, you gotta give me one myself, right?

Demos vs. Atara Themis.

We’ve fucking played this game already, but yeah, that very same person you welcomed into B.O.B. because she was so ‘Elite’ - until I fucking broke her - is on that list too! After March Madness too! You know… when she was ‘good’. Arguably better than when she came back for rounds two and three - her bed was completely shit-free at this time! Atara over Demos here. Surely that’s not up for debate.

That’s one for you, and one for me.

RL Edgar vs. Morbid Angel.

First of all, fuck you Morbid Angel you murdering cunt. If the law hasn’t found you yet, you better fucking pray that I don’t. Rest assured, you limey bitch, if I see your fucking face around again I’m going to peel it off your goddamn skull and use it as a rubber while I fuck your back pussy.

Secondly, two Universal Championship reigns vs. wait… who was that RL Stine motherfucker, again?

Yeah, point me. Two-one, baby-doll.

And then…

Drew Archyle vs. Louis.

Do we even need to discuss this?

You: One.

Me: Three.

There you have it, folks! Even with people like Reggie Estrada and Ash Quinn on the list, the X-Treme Champion still had more impressive defences than the Universal Champion! Must have been all that self-selection of opponents.


Oh, but I’m doing you a disservice, aren’t I? I didn’t mention your biggest defence of all!

Robert Main.

What was it that you were saying about ‘just one match’? Here’s yours. HA!

But Jesus auto-fellating Christ! Here I was questioning whether all that moon-on-fire shit meant that I was losing my grip on reality. Nope! That’s all you! Because let’s talk about the Robert Main match. I might have been as dead as your fucking credibility, but after I got better I got a chance to watch the replay. So bud, let’s talk about needing B.O.B. out at ringside; let’s talk about Andre Dixon hitting Rob with the Deadly Force Spinebuster; let’s talk about how you didn’t get a six-on-one beating - you know, like what you needed to beat Drew - but instead the entirety of your supposed ‘Elite’ of B.O.B. received a six-on-five beating. Which you lost. Convincingly.

Now before you get Jess’s knickers in a twist, I agree that’s hardly perfect! Especially when you’re at a disadvantage being all enormous sacks of shit as is! But still! This is not the story you’re selling. Speaking of… let’s fucking talk about how you’re now bragging about calling the cash-in. That’s a weird-ass boast, considering you called it but still didn’t fucking stop it. It makes you look like a goddamn idiot. Just like you saying that I ‘spent months building myself up to be a credible opponent’ and only had ‘one legitimate defence’. That’s some straight doublethink shit right there. Real dumb-dumb shit even! Classic B.O.B.!

That being said, there’s still one thing I’m still being a little disingenuous about when comparing our reigns. You won the Universal Championship by defeating Thaddeus Duke, and my thoughts on him as a human being aside, I know what he can do. Beating him? No easy feat, and I’m not going to diminish that for you. My response to that is just two words…

War Games.

Anything you can do, I can do better. Generally speaking, I just don’t care to.

See… this chip on my shoulder that you noticed, that doesn’t come from being eliminated back at High Stakes. It was there long before you took me out of that battle royal. Shit, I actually praised you right afterwards! That loss was my fault. It’s the same mistake I made against Lycana, I had my fucking blinkers on and let myself get worked up into a position where I lost sight of what makes me, me. That’s not the position I’m sitting in coming into this conflict though. You’re out here trying to make me the underdog. Fuck man, that’s whre I thrive!

That chip on my shoulder comes from years of being taken advantage of; of having everything taken from me! Used and abused! Kicked at! Spat on! You want to say I took the easy route in how I cashed in my briefcase? Fine by me! I didn’t do it to take your place as the whore of the fucking year. I did it because there’s a force that drives me, telling me that somehow, someway, this championship will lead me to understand ‘why’! It doesn’t have to make sense to people like you - it doesn’t even make sense to me! But it fuels me. It’s the reason I get up in the morning and it’s the reason I Eat Motherfuckers Like You in the evening.


There are superstars.

There are Main Eventers.

There are Legends.

There are Icons.

There are Gods.

There is Chris Page.

And there are people who don’t a single fuck about any of that.

Which one do you think I am?”


Ate 'Em All

[Image: SC7mNUv.jpg]
Banner courtesy of Atara Themis
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[-] The following 9 users Like ALIAS's post:
"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (08-18-2021), Arcana (08-18-2021), Atara Themis (08-20-2021), Doctor Louis D'Ville (08-23-2021), Dolly Waters (08-18-2021), HeavensToBetsy (08-21-2021), JimCaedus (08-18-2021), Mark Flynn (08-18-2021), Robert "The Omega" Main (08-19-2021)
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