You know that glint in a fisherman’s eye when he not only feels a tug on the line, but realizes he’s got his prey trapped on the hook, ready to reel it in and enjoy the fruits of his labor?

Such was the glint in Ruby’s eyes, when she brought her fifth felon of the day into custody. Granted, not all of them had actually been TAKEN into custody by the good boys and boyselles in blue, but then again… You couldn’t hook a marlin each time you sat by the lakeshore or riverbed, now could you?

Still, Ruby was certain the one she’d caught was a keeper – from a gaoler’s POV, of course – and the felon’s protests fell on ears that were as selectively deaf as they were stubborn.

Felon: “Come on, Mrs. Rubes, why you gotta do me like this? I didn’t do sh-“

Ruby: “First of of all, it’s Miss! Secondly, and more importantly, watch the language, or so help me!”

She guided him into the police station with his hands locked firmly behind his back, courtesy of the Banana-Lime Blur’s phenomenal grip strength. Just ask Centurion.

Felon: “I’m sorry, okay! I didn’t mean to do it, it’s just that I-…”

Ruby: “Just that you WHAT, precisely? This is the THIRD time I’ve seen you hold up that liquor store this week, my brother. First time I let you off with a sternly worded speech. Second time, I gave you a smack in the head. Well this time, mister ‘I-shall-not-be-taught-the-benefits-of-living-in-a-free-and-honest-society’, we’re off to Five-O, aka the po-po!”

Felon: “You can’t prove anything!”

Ruby: “I’ve got eyeball witnesses, and an owner who can confirm you bring up the same thing to the counter before your stick-up every time: a packet of Stimorol, a pregnancy test, and a can of Bud Light. You should be ashamed of yourself. BUD LIGHT?? That just SCREAMS bad intentions.”

Felon: “Look, I had a getaway car running, I couldn’t risk getting tipsy. Don’t drink and drive, right?”

Ruby: “FLIP Y-…. Noooo, no, no, nice try, you smooth talking ne’er do-well. You’re not getting off that easily.”

She guided the felon to the front desk, and the clerk took one look at Ruby and rolled his eyes.

Clerk: “Oh God, not you again… What you got for us this time? We only just managed to empty our holding cells.”

Ruby: “Well good, that means you’ve got room for some more. I’ve got this rob-aholic here, who’s held up a liquor store a grand total of three times just this week alone!”

Clerk: “Liquor store? Which one?”

Ruby: “Oh, Butkus Booze about two blocks from here.”

Clerk: “Butkus Booze? I haven’t heard any reports of any crimes or hold-ups being committed there!”

Ruby: “Of course not, because I stopped them, my guy! And this is the third one!”

Clerk: “Look, I really don’t have…”

Ruby: “Before you continue, I’ll have you know my boyfriend bought exactly 2,500 tickets to the Police Officer’s Grand Ball this year, and the commish himself sent a politely worded letter to thank him for his contributions to this city.”

The clerk grunted, adjusted himself in his seat, and started typing.

Clerk: “Fine, we’ll process him.”

Felon: “Yo, this is corrupt!”

Ruby: “It’s how justice works, my dude.”

The clerk waved an officer along, who took the felon into custody, and Ruby leaned on the counter.

Ruby: “For what it’s worth, go easy on him.”

Clerk: “Why? You sure didn’t.”

Ruby: “Of course I did! I gave him two chances to turn his life around before I brought him in. I just think he’s desperate.”

Clerk: “Why?”

Ruby: “He brought gum, meaning he has some stuff to literally chew over. Then a pregnancy test, so maybe he’s worried he accidentally knocked someone up. And then he brought a beer, maybe hoping to get drunk and forget about his worries, but not so much that he can no longer function as a father-to-be. In short, I think he’s mostly scared and desperate. So go easy on him.”

Clerk: “Well, you could’ve just let him go.”

Ruby: “Nah, that won’t help anyone. Good thing I trust the judicial system, and I know you guys will not only give him a fair trial, but then also all of the subsequent help he needs! UP TOP!”

Ruby held up her hand, but the clerk just frowned.

Clerk: “Look, er, Miss. This ain’t Canada.”

Slightly dejected, Ruby put her hand back down on the counter.

Ruby: “Right, right. Still, trust is important. For example, I trust the Anarchy brand to remain firmly in the hands of the good guys, as my mans defeats three challengers in one big ole swoop! Secondly, I trust Anarchy to remain the House that Rubes Built, no matter what brand BOB tries to label it with. And I trust Calypso to come up short, once again, and unfortunately… But there’s room for only one masked looney toon on this brand, and you’re looking at her!”

Clerk: “…right. 2,500 tickets, was it?”

Ruby: “Twenty five times a hundred, my dude! But look, I’m just saying, Calypso has literally been all talk. And that’s fine, if you don’t wanna walk the walk. But I’ve walked the walk for over half a year, and a long long time before that. I’ve seen giants rise and fall, I’ve seen pretenders come and go. Ipso Caflipso, my icepop-sounding opponent is barely more than a footnote. One that I’ll do my very best to bring back down to terra firma, lest he gets wings that fly too close to the sun. Anyway, toodle-doo, my guy. Be sure to watch! GO Anarchy, and GO fair trials!”

The Banana-Lime Blur dashed off, and the clerk prayed to Jesus that was the last he’d seen of her tonight.

He wasn’t very hopeful.

*fin*