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This Salute Your Shorts Remake Sucks
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Corey Smith Offline
Active in XWF



XWF FanBase:
Some of everyone

(cheered; very rarely plays dirty but isn't lame either; many likable qualities)


#1
07-29-2021, 03:12 PM

The slowly tumbling mug was an extinction level seismic event. A lumbering portent of doom, borne of the cosmos and laboriously making its way to the Earth. Its leisurely descent was a mocking clip, making him painfully wait for the end.

But end it did. Finally, the mug impacted with the floor, exploding brilliantly. And, once broken, it divulged a torrent of blood from within. An amount too voluminous to have ever been contained inside. It became another apocalypse, a flood to drown his world.


Corey awoke with a gasp. As his senses caught up, he saw North Korean War Criminal dipping his head through the tent’s entrance.

Corey Smith, your nation awaits! Another one of those uncanny valley smiles creeps onto his features. Corey sat up, the high afternoon sun bleeding through the thin material of the tent. He turned himself over and crawled out, past the three other still boxed tents beside the entry flap. Picking himself up and wincing against the sun, he set out for the meet and greet.

A Little Later….


Corey stood in the dusty road that lay between two redwood posts. Beside him, NK held his hands behind his back and stood with a regal military bearing. Another man, a Native American in jeans and a simple flannel shirt, stood with them. He glanced at NK, as though trying to make heads or tails of him, before returning his gaze to the road.

Alias and Centurion extricated themselves from the car, with Centurion going round to retrieve a duffel from the trunk. Alias approached bearing nothing.

Hey, Corey. Alias spoke the words with a friendly mein, but not quite the level of adoration he sometimes maintained. A briefcase was a spectre floating between them still.

Centurion followed. I’m missing the Olympics for this? He was only half serious. Probably.

Corey opened his mouth to speak, when NK barrelled in. Greetings gentlemen, on this most glorious of occasions! I…

Centurion cut him off. I’m going to get this off my chest right away. I don’t like your politics, I don’t like your country….

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Corey stepped in between them. Look guys. Nobody’s asking anyone to like anyone’s politics or country. I know this is a motley assortment. Especially with the last minute addition of Centurion. He looks to the veteran. Side bar, thank you. Corey spoke the words like he meant them. Because he did. Centurion seemed to take note of the sincerity, and he tipped his head in Corey’s direction. Then, continuing, But we have to like each other. And that’s why I brought you all here. To Camp Wannapoeia.

Alias and Centurion both try to restrain smirks.

This place holds a lot of special memories for me. I spent my summers here when I was little.

So, like, last week?

Corey rolls his eyes, but good naturedly. Sure. But the point is this: to me, this place represents ease, and simplicity, and camaraderie. It’s a safe place from the insanity of our jobs. And it’s where I hope to build all of us into an unstoppable unit. He breathes. I know we’re all very different from each other. And that building a bond from essentially nothing is hard. I mean, you wouldn’t know it from the ham fisted way SOME people seemed to have forgotten all sense of history, past animosity, or difference to lazily and clumsily narrate their way into inane instantaneous bonding. Corey looks at the camera pointedly and shakes his head, before returning his attention to the fore. But I’m a realist. I know this will take work. But I believe in us. I believe in all of you. However! I’m being rude! He gestures to the Native American man at his side. This is George Littlefeather. He has kindly lent us these grounds for a reasonable fee. Thanks again George.

The man nods. It’s my pleasure Corey. When a former camper said he wanted to bring some friends for a retreat, well, I couldn’t say no.

And might I add, sir, on behalf of the rapacious proto Capitalists who stole your land, I apologize! Even though I had nothing to do with it! NK balls his fists tightly for emphasis. George looks at him awkwardly.

Well, that was a thing. Alias breaks the silence. But thanks man.

No problem. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there is a possum holed up in the visitor center bathroom and I should probably take care of it. George bids his farewell and they all watch him go, before Corey cuts in again.

So, who else loves team building exercises?! Ehhhhh? He looks around at the sea of blank faces. Well, we’re doing the first one right now!

Like, now now? Can I at least put away my stuff?

No! I’m striking while the iron is hot! He rubs his hands together expectantly. So we’re going to do some trust falls!

Alias looks at Corey inscrutably. Like, where we fall back and have someone catch us?

Exactly!

NK stabs a finger in the air like a declarative. A ha! Well allow me to be the first to demonstrate my complete trust in you all! He folds his arms into his chest and allows himself to fall backwards. After an “oof” of surprise, he looks up at them all. Comrades! Why didn’t any of you catch me?

Because….we weren’t ready? Alias offers.

Well...NK stands up promptly and dusts himself off in a transparent attempt to maintain some dignity.

Alright, alright, so who am I catching? Let’s get on with it.

Corey pulls out his phone. I have this randomizer app to ensure the trials are completely thorough and unbiased!

Trials? Like, plural?

Well, yeah. Corey gives an insecure breathy little chuckle. We’re each going to take turns catching and being caught by one another. And then, we’re going to do it again to solidify the bond. And then a THIRD time to seal the deal. And then a FOURTH time! And by then, I figure we’d trust each other with each other’s social security numbers. He gesticulates excitedly. So, who’s ready?!

I’ll do one. Just one.

I’m already committed, but I’ll do as you request.

I’ll let you catch me, Corey.

Come on guuuuuuuuys! Corey’s expression falls. I have a system! It’s infallible! Look, if you really want I can trim it from four trials to three.

Dead silence. Finally, Centurion sighs, picks up his bag, and walks past Corey, patting him on the shoulder. Soon after, NK approaches the team leader.

It figures that old money corporatist swine like him wouldn’t see the value in cooperation!

He’s actually pretty progressive. Corey replies wearily. With a bemused little noise, NK then steps past Corey. That leaves only Alias.

You can go if you want.

Alias smiles. It’s a bit jaunty. You’re trying too hard.

Maybe.

Alias doesn’t respond right away. His expression alters and he suddenly looks as though he’s seen something past Corey, as though he was transparent. The effect is slightly unnerving.

What?

Again, the champion’s response isn’t immediate. He cocks his head and narrows his eyes. Is everything ok?

Corey hears the sound of ceramic shattering in his ear. Not really. Everybody hates each other. That’s not what he meant.

But…

Plus, my best friend might come away hating me after this. He sighs. “Fuck Thad”? I was going to make us t-shirts until it hit me what the acronym was.

No major loss. Alias' response is cool and decisive. But, sensing Corey’s discomfort, he walks it back. You just need to find a common thread.

Such as?

Damned if I know. A shadow of that smirk reappears. You’re the boss, boss man.

Yeah. He works his jaw, as though he’s testing the mouth feel of that notion. A common thread. Corey’s features bunch up. Alias just continues to watch him. Expectantly. Knowingly, maybe? Corey wheels about on his heels, eyes on the backs of his teammates as they recede. And then, when inspiration strikes, his lips screw up and he gives a little whoop of joy! Oh my God! Guys, come back! COME BACK!

What?! Centurion replies, unable to prevent the irritation from entering his tone.

Yes?! You’ve come around on the pit traps?! NK questions with a savage gleam in his eye.

Huh? Oh….NO! Corey stammers out a reply to NK. Look, just come back! I know something we can ALL bond over!

After a moment’s consideration, they both start walking back. Centurion the slower of the two. But return they do. Once near, Corey looks around at them all, excitement written all over him.

It’s something we can all agree on! Something that I’m sure will unite us!

...and?

Corey allows the excitement to build, a touch of the theatric despite the circumstances. How stupid is Chris Chaos?

Alias, Centurion and NK look to each other, and then to Corey. Suddenly, they’re all smiles.

Is that a rhetorical question?

Not at all! Chris Chaos is so stupid, he’s gonna call me out for needing a 24/7 briefcase to steal my way to a championship, when that dumb motherfucker was in the exact same match vying for the exact same prize.

That IS pretty stupid. Alias offers, playing it up.

Chris is so stupid, he’s going to rely on tired homophobia when his own team captain has had periods of strictly dickly.

That’s really, really stupid. Centurion nods in agreement.

Oh, oh, I know the promo you’re speaking of! NK looks pretty revved up himself. The one with the very lame dog eating jokes and gradeschool Kim Jong Kill yourself taunt!

That’s the one!

Hell, Chris Chaos is so stupid he forgot to mention ME. And I’m the Universal Champion!

That’s pretty goddamn stupid! Corey’s head is on a swivel as he drinks in the rising camaraderie. I honestly feel bad for Thad, getting stuck with that living smear.

Alias wiggles his hand in a “so-so” motion, looking skeptical.

Okay, well maybe THAT feeling isn’t universal. But you know what else really sucks for Thad?

I bet you’re gonna tell us. The Anarchy champ points at Corey.

Andre Dixon. I mean, that guy made it crystal clear he still rides with B.O.B., yet he’s gonna try to play it off like ride or die ends at War Games. So let me ask you this ‘Dre….

Oh, we’re doing this now?

Hell yeah. Corey looks AT THE CAMERA and IT IS ON! Like, yeah, the camera is on. Duh. But this moment “is on” too. Duh squared.

Let’s say your wet dream comes true, ‘Dre. Let’s say you and Chris Chaos suddenly forget that you suck and Team Discontinuum wins this thing. Now, let’s be real. YOU are the weak link in your team. You’ve been nothing but a hot bag of ass since you set foot in this place, so you know you’re not making it to the finals. So, you get chucked out early, but nonetheless play your small part in B.O.B. losing. What exactly do you gain in this scenario? I mean, you still come across looking mediocre. But on top of that, do you REALLY think B.O.B. is gonna welcome you back with open arms? They might. If you were on par with a Bobby Bourbon or a Thunder Knuckles. But you don’t have that luxury. You’re just an Andre Dixon. AKA, the one Miss Fury DIDN’T pick.

So, you’re going to not only be the weak link of a winning team, but to be that weak link of a winning team you’re going to have to screw over the only thing that gave you any relevance when THEY DIDN’T EVEN WANT YOU.

Whoa, not looking so hot anymore, is it?

Oh, and the whole “still bitching about our TV title match” thing isn’t doing you any favors either. You ask, “what did I have to gain from it?” How about, “pantsing some ignorant young punk who instead of nutting up and going it alone decided to play the sheep and hop on the B.O.B. train?” As for the, “me being afraid of Alias” thing?
Corey slings an arm around Alias’ shoulders, and the champ blushes almost imperceptibly. Duh! Look man, if you don’t sweat this beast you are one dumb motherfucker. Of course the prospect of facing him gives me pause. As it should any rational human being who can tie their own shoes and reliably count backwards from ten. But I didn’t come after YOU because of that, Andre. I already told Alias I wanted to face him for the Universal Championship once he becomes the longest reigning champ in XWF history.

IF I become the longest reigning champ in XWF history.

SHUT. UP. Corey jabs him playfully. But the reason I came at YOU was because, quite frankly, I just don’t like you. I think you’re a privileged, overhyped little turd who will never live up to the legacy of your uncle. And I think maybe you’re just now starting to realize that. And the fact that I had an EMBARRASSINGLY short reign with that title still doesn’t erase the fact that I had you sorted then, I still have you sorted now, and I’m really gonna have you good and sorted at War Games. Paging Mr. First Elimination.

I actually have something to add. Alias says. Corey releases him from the side hug, and gestures for him to continue. I find it very interesting how Dock is trying to paint you as some underhanded malefactor. Some poison in the Continuum’s well. When he was the one who literally appeared with his hand up Duke’s ass using him for a puppet.

That is a fantastic point my man. Corey looks to the camera again. Dock is also conveniently forgetting his history of forced psychotherapy on Duke and myself. Which was less therapeutic than it was deeply traumatic. I needed therapy FOR Dock’s therapy!

So tell me Dock, if I was some grand manipulator trying to catch some of Thad Duke’s shine, why didn’t I ever make a play for his Universal Championship? Why didn’t I ever try to use my friendship with him to get that shot? Here’s another one for you. That vaunted tag team title reign that everyone and their mother likes to bring up? That was THAD’s idea. Not mine. Homey literally dumped a title in my lap and said “make papa some money”.


Centurion mouths “make papa some money” with a look of mild disgust. Corey doesn’t notice.

What’s more, why did I put up with YOU for so long when I made it crystal clear how I felt about you? Corey chuckles. But yet I’m some cunning master puppeteer playing 4D chess? Man, if I’m the manipulator here I must REALLY suck at it. Because all I got out of the deal was a tag title I never earned and months worth of having to stomach YOUR quasi symbolic keening on the nature of me and Thad’s relationship.

Let’s face facts, Dock. YOU were the odd one out. Not me. If anything Continuum should have been me, Thad, and Dolly. Yeah, I said it. But for some reason Thad has a blind spot for someone that regularly fucks with his head.


And sticks a hand up his ass.

Corey grimaces. Yeah. Ouch.

I have a good idea! NK declares. How about we talk about B.O.B. and how you humiliated them at Anarchy! Frankly, I thought they got off easy. If this was my homeland they would have been force fed a pound of enraged bees and forced to watch a Geri Vayden promo!

Ooohhhhh man! Centy did you catch that?

Yeah. I, uhhhh, did. Very -esque of you.

You’re probably gonna catch a fine for invoking that.

I’ll manage.

But yeah. I couldn’t think of a nicer group to get doused in filth. Really galaxy brained of you guys to piss off literally EVERYONE in the run up to a major pay per view. Although, I will admit to the elephant in the room. Bobby Bourbon does seem to have my number lately. How, I don’t know. But rest assured, I’m already working on making myself a bit less….predictable...to the detriment of those who know me so well (Thad).

But that is the beauty of team work, is it not? We make up for each other’s weaknesses. We cover for each other. We HELP each other. I don’t need to face B.O.B. alone. Although they would certainly prefer it. Bitches.

I do have to say though, I’m not really feeling Miss Fury’s leadership here. I mean, she folded like a wet house of cards in that draft pick qualifying match and sure seemed to display a very “Jesus take the wheel” attitude to it as well, explicitly leaving her position in the draft order up to the ebbs and flow of fate.


Que sera sera?

Indeed. Not inspiring leadership. At least, not as inspiring as moi.

Yeah, even Alias has to roll his eyes at that one.

So! Who’s up for toasted marshmallows and forming some deep emotional connections?

Centurion shrugs. I’m game for the marshmallow part.

We don’t have marshmallow in North Korea. What is it exactly?

Think of a delicious cloud of chemical flavor in your mouth. Corey, completely energized, pulls away from the group and starts to walk backwards up the path. I cannot WAIT! Nothing but days and days of bonding and relaxation with nary a hint of stress or craziness! I….

Suddenly, the image pulls back to deep within the woods, where feral murderous eyes are watching the group through the treeline. A deep, throaty, malicious breath quickens at the sight of them.



Ruh roh.

[Image: CoreySig6A.png?width=270&height=406]
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ALIAS (07-29-2021), Doctor Louis D'Ville (07-29-2021), Dolly Waters (07-29-2021), Miss Fury (07-29-2021), Mr. Oz (07-29-2021), NorthKoreanWarCriminal (07-29-2021), Thaddeus Duke (07-29-2021), Theo Pryce (07-29-2021), Thunder Knuckles™ (07-29-2021)
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