Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Centurion · (05-28-2021)

Centurion: So...what is this supposed to do again?

(The year is 2021, and Centurion's career has extended far beyond it's expected shelf life. The skills are still there, and the knowledge of the business is still there, but his grasp of marketing in the 21st century, well…

It could use some work.

Luckily, his daughter is set to marry Erin Morgan, who has lived her entire life on the internet and made the vast majority of her money through various streaming and social media enterprises. This week, she has taken it upon herself to help Centurion promote his pay per view match against Osira Themis in a most modern way.

We open up inside the home of Nellie and Erin in Wildwood, New Jersey. There, we see Centurion sitting in front of a computer. He has various screens around him, and some specialized gloves on his hands that are connected to the computer. In a small iPad screen next to the giant monitor is a replica of his face - it looks more like the mirror from Shrek than anything else, but it tracks Centurion's mouth and face movements perfectly. Erin is attaching a microphone and messing with a few settings on the computer as she responds.)

Erin: It's a complete 1 to 1 tracking of your face and hands. Basically, you're going to talk and move around, and as you do, your avatar will move around, too.

Centurion: And why am I doing this?

Erin: It's called VTubing, Andy. It's the newest trend in consuming online media. People no longer want to watch other people - they want to watch anime versions of those other people. It's going to raise your stock and get a bunch of younger fans to buy the pay per view, and the younger your audience is, the more long term potential you have.

Centurion: Didn't think anyone would be talking about my "long term potential".

Erin: Well, you said you weren't planning on retiring anytime soon, and most of your old fans are dead, so you need to do something. Besides, it's good for you to know about the current trends in the world, just in case you want to expand your audience and make more money.

Centurion: I can't think of this being a money making idea. You do this "VTubing" stuff? How much do you make?

Erin: I made $12,000 last month.

(Centurion's eyes grow wide as he looks at Erin, completely gobsmacked.)

Centurion: ...fuck.

(Erin continues to type a few things and click the mouse button, before pulling up Twitch and logging into her account. She clicks a few more things, and the screen is black.)

Centurion: What's going on? I can't see anything.

Erin: Give it a second. My profile is downloading your new Vtuber avatar. You can't use mine, after all. I already have an established brand with my character.

Centurion: So you created a new one for me?

Erin: Yeah! I had this one designed for a while, but I finally got the animations added in. Now we just wait for the software to update, and…

(The screen flickers, and as it turns back on, an image of Centurion's avatar in front of a background can be seen.)

[Image: 6Neilfr.gif]

Centurion: Wait...what the fuck?! Why am I a little bunny girl?!

Erin: Because you're an anime character! If you're going to be a successful VTuber, you can't just be yourself. You have to have something cute and cuddly that will make all the weeb simps throw their money at you. You have to have a cute avatar, but then you have to be incredibly lewd. That's the key to success.

Centurion: I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable about this whole thing.

Erin: Nonsense, you watch. The moment I go live, chat is going to be go nuts. You'll have more people watching you live than ever watch any of your promos, and you won't have to worry about folks immediately disliking your promo just because they hate your face.

Centurion: No, that will still happen. I bet Chris Page has already hated this promo, and he hasn't read it to the end yet.

Erin: What?

Centurion: What?

Erin: Keep talking, I’m going to mess around with the voice settings.

(Erin, again, starts to click on the mouse and adjust some settings within the computer as Centurion keeps talking.)

Centurion: Adjust the voice settings? What does that mean? Don’t you mean adjust the volume? And I always thought that was kind of ea WHAT THE FUCK?!

(Centurion’s voice on the playback changes dramatically, as he goes from his original voice to that of a high pitched, feminine voice. His avatar on screen begins to bob around spastically as Centurion freaks out a bit after hearing his new voice.)

Centurion: You changed my voice to? Why did you do that? HOW did you do that?!

Erin: Of course I changed your voice! It’s all part of the immersion. You can sit there with that avatar sounding like...well, you. We needed to change your voice. They all do it. No VTuber uses their real voice.

Centurion: Really? None of them?

Erin: If they say they do, they’re lying. No one has a naturally sweet uWu voice.

Centurion: A naturally what now?

Erin: Besides, it sounds more fun coming out of this voice. You get to curse up a storm and it sounds so sweet and wholesome. That’s the entertainment value. It’s what the people pay for.

Centurion: Don’t you think this is all a bit twisted? It feels very similar to catfishing.

Erin: Nonsense. You’re not using this to fuck anyone, and everyone is in on it. A vast majority of the viewers know that this is just a character, but they continue to follow along because they’re entertained by it.

Centurion: So all of those “weeb simps” you were talking about earlier know that you’re not an anime girl with a cute voice.

Erin: ...most of them, anyway. But hey, I think we’re all set. Let me go live, and we can get started.

(Erin grabs the mouse one more time and clicks the button to go live on Twitch. A light on top of her computer lights up, and a red dot is illuminated at the bottom of the browser. After a few seconds, her chat room starts filling up, with folks spamming emotes and sending random messages. Erin sits down next to Centurion, off screen, and talks into a mic of her own. As she does, her voice also changes, as she becomes much higher pitched.)

Erin: Hi lovelies! Thanks for joining me today! We’re going to be doing something a little bit different. As you see, I’m not on screen at the moment. I want you to meet a new friend of mine, debuting TODAY! This is Yuki! Say “hi” Yuki!

(Centurion looks over at Erin and mouths “Yuki”? Erin shrugs before pointing back at the camera, forcing Centurion to respond.)

Centurion: Um, hello.

Erin: Yuki is a battle rabbit! She fights evil forces. And she has a big battle ahead of her, on the moon! And I wanted to bring her in and talk to her about her upcoming battle to save humanity and save the world from total destruction. Doesn’t that sound fun?!

(As Erin is talking, alerts on the screen begin to pop up, signaling people are subscribing and donating to the channel. A rather large donation of Bits pops up, and Erin acknowledges it before she starts asking questions.)

Erin: Oh, thanks BasedWeedGod420 for the 2000 bits! So Yuki, what’s it like being a battle rabbit?

Centurion: Uhh...it’s pretty cool. I’ve been doing it for a while. I’ve been doing it for about twe...

(Centurion glances over at Erin, who uses her thumb to point upward. She mouths the word “hundred!”, and a confused Centurion just rolls with it.)

Centurion: ..woohundred, 200 years now. But this is the first time I get to have a battle on the moon.

Erin: You must be super excited!

Centurion: Yeah, I guess I am. I’m most looking forward to looking out and seeing the Earth. I will have to let you know if it’s flat or not.

Erin: *chuckles* And what dastardly villain are you fighting?

Centurion: Oh, I’m fighting Osira Themis. She is a...warrior goddess. She likes to inflict pain on people. She joined this horrible group of bad guys called the BOB...ersons.

Erin: The BOBersons?

(Erin and Centurion look over at each other, and Centurion shrugs and mouths “I don’t know!” before turning back to the camera.)

Centurion: Yeah, the BOBersons. They’re not great at naming themselves, but they are very powerful. They want to destroy the world. They see everyone who doesn’t join with them as being an enemy and a threat to their power. So I have to go to the moon and fight Osira and prevent that from happening.

Erin: Sounds dangerous!

Centurion: It’s not. I’m actually pretty confident in my fighting skills. Osira may be a warrior goddess, but she’s a really shitty warrior goddess.

(As Centurion says that, the chat gets spammed with laughing emotes, as well as multiple “LOL”s.)

Erin: Chat seems to really like that one.

Centurion: It’s the truth! You’re all into video games, right? It’s kind of like those games where you’re taking on an evil corporation or group of people, and they have end level bosses. The main boss of the game may be really tough, but that first boss? They’re really easy, and really only exist to teach you the mechanics of the game. That’s Osira Themis. She’s just an early stage end level boss. She’s the Hans Grosse of BOBersons.

Erin: So you’re flying all the way to the moon to fight someone who is just an opening boss of a video game? I’d hate to see where you have to go in order to fight the final enemy.

Centurion: Given the way things are going, I assume I’m going to have to go to the gates of Hell or somewhere like that, but that honestly doesn’t bother me. I’ll go wherever I have to go. I’m the best damn battle rabbit in the world! And I’ll beat anyone and anything that tries to bring harm to the world!

(Centurion is now starting to loosen up a bit as he gets more into his character and persona, causing Erin to clap once and sit back in her chair with a giant smile on her face.)

Centurion: Look at me. You see this face? Does this look like the face of someone who gives up? No! I have carrots in my hair, dammit! I’m a bad ass! And Osira Themis WISHES she was me! That’s right, I said it. She may be some sort of warrior goddess, but she’d give everything to trade places with me. But she can’t. All she can do is take orders and fight for someone other than herself.

(Erin, while laughing, grabs the mouse and begins to click around in the Twitch screen. Bits and donations are flying in, as the chat seems to love the content. The normal, “cute” background changes to one of an old school wrestling ring. Erin grabs a clipart image of a microphone and puts it in front of Centurion’s avatar as he continues to go off.)

Centurion: I’ve been fighting for 200 years, and I’ll fight for another 200 if that’s what it takes! You’ll never get rid of Yuki, the Battle Rabbit! And this Sunday at Leap Of Faith, all the Yukimaniacs out there will get to see Osira Themis take a loss for the BOBersons! I hope they have garbage bins on the Moon, Osira, because you’re nothing more than trash, and since I’m such a good person, I don’t want to litter. The CREAM rises to the top, oh yeah!! And we all know how this ends!

(Centurion stands up and takes off the special gloves, causing the avatar on screen to just sort of slump over, inactive. Centurion, however, continues to just rant as he walks further away from the mic.)

Centurion: That’s how we DO IT BABY! Freak out!

Erin: (into the mic) We’re going to pause for a second while I find Yuki’s medicine.

(The screen transitions to a “Be Right Back” screen.)

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Centurion As A VTuber?!
Author	Message