Quote:Wednesday Night Warfare, Circa 2017

THE DELETION!! THE DELETION ON THADDEUS DUKE!!! OSWALD COVERS! The referee looks around, a bit stunned at what is going on. He looks up to the bossman standing on the stage, who just kind of shrugs. Lane’s audio has been cut out of the video and replaced with pornstar moans.

Dictator Lane: "uhhh ohhhhhh ahhhhhhh yeaaashhhhhh oooooooohhhhh aagggghh mmmmmmmmmmm yeaaaah ooooooohhhh"

The referee falls to the mat for a count!!!

ONE!!!!!
TWO!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!

Winner and NEW XWF UNIFIED X-TREME CHAMPION - Broken Oswald Autem Sephtis

Dewey: "Oswald just won the X-Treme Title back within minutes of losing it!! What a crazy turn of events here!!!"

Quote: Thaddeus Duke
Demos went and laid the equivalent of himself- a sack of shit- in the middle of the ring and Oswald walked out victorious. It’s quite literally the biggest win of that mans career and definitely Demos’ most embarrassing defeat.

There you have it folks, straight from the mouth of babes.

Oswald’s victory over the Demos is clearly the shining jewel of that devil man’s career. At this point it is indisputable. Oswald has never accomplished a single feat more noteworthy than pinning the Demos.

Oswald is the fifth longest reigning Hart champion of all time. It goes Robert Main, Centurion, Maverick, Tony Santos, and then Oswald. That’s not bad company to keep, but still, Oswald’s run with that title Duke chases after so lustily is nothing compared to Oswald’s victory over the Demos.

But don’t mistake my mastery of the facts for uninformed egoism.

Of course I know that Oswald is a two-time X-treme champion! I mean, we all saw the footage. One of those championship reigns came right off Duke’s back. Thaddeus Duke lost the X-treme championship to Oswald right in the middle of the ring during the main event of the flagship show. Oswald walked into the main event as the X-treme champion and he walked away from the main event as the X-treme champion. He hit his big move on you in front of thousands of roaring fans before flipping your limp body over and hooking that skinny little leg for three seconds. That was probably a pretty big win for Oswald, wouldn’t you think? A main event victory on Warfare over the Duke heir?

But still, even that championship victory pales in comparison to the glory of defeating the Demos in open combat on the midcard of XWF’s most forgettable program.

You heard it from the mouths of babes, folks. You know the truth as well as I do, as well as Thaddeus does.

But do you know why Oswald’s greatest achievement is his lucky defeat of the Demos?

It’s because I am a big fucking deal. It’s because I am the flash in the pan that hops off the stove and sets the house on fire.

I am the only man in human history to hold the XWF Television Championship for more than 130 days.

I am the only XWF superstar to main event their first ever Pay Per View appearance in years.

I put Jim fucking Jimson on my back and carried that boy to the main event scene. The greatest enhancement talent in the history of professional wrestling has victories over Thunder Knuckles, Betsy Granger, Atara Themis, and Miss Fury -just to name a few- thanks solely to the warmachine that is the Demos. Thaddeus Duke couldn’t carry HIS tag team partner past Thunder Knuckles, now could he? Couldn’t carry him past Bobby Bourbon either, could he? Geez, Duke- all you had to do was knock the big fellow out of the ring and get TK for three seconds!

If Jimson hadn’t been so determined to retain his status as a jobber, I very well may have been able to carry him past the Duke n’ Puke connection. Probably could have carried him past my favorite BOBithces, too. I already have four wins against those sorry bastards, but alas Jim’s natural born instinct to lose championship matches was just too much to overcome in the heat of the moment.

But Jimson won’t be with us on Wednesday night, Thaddeus. He won’t be there to save you from the Demos. On Wednesday night it’s just going to be me and you, ponyboy.

AND ME!

A voice shoots out from behind the camera.

Oh of course, you too, baby! You go everywhere with the Demos now!

That’s right! We’re like two peas in pod!

It’s just going to be Rel, Demos, Thaddeus, and a referee at the ring Wednesday night!

But isn’t Ned Kaye going to be there too?

What? No, sweety, just us.

But that twink talked about Ned Kaye more than he talked about you in his first promo for Warfare!

Demos turned to face the camera dramatically.

Tsk, tsk, tsk Thaddeus.

Ned Kaye, Ned Kaye, Ned Kaye. Do you think you’re fighting Ned Kaye for the hart championship on Warfare, Thaddeus? You want to talk about Ned Kaye more than you want to talk about the Demos. Did you mix up which match is happening when?

Of course not. So why are you wasting so much airtime talking about one of those ‘guys no one remembers and no one cares about’? You know as well as I do that Ned Kaye is just another warm body in my collection. Ned Kaye is the quintessential guy that I break like a bad habit. I beat him like a rented mule whether we’re fighting on TV or PPV.

So why does Thaddeus have such a laser focus on one of my favorite punching bags?

Well, Duke’s just looking ahead.

But why? What’s there to look at?

Ned Kaye isn’t a ‘bonafide legitimate competitor’, he can’t be according to Thaddeus, because Ned loses to the Demos. In fact, Ned Kaye loses to the Demos so often that many are beginning to speculate that it’s written into his contract! Duke says that anyone who loses to the Demos multiple times is a nobody. So what’s the point of blasting your mouth off about a nobody? Who is Thaddeus trying to impress when he bullies the disabled child?

Well, I think the answer is rather obvious, isn’t it?

He’s trying to impress himself.

Duke’s a scared little boy heading into Leap of Faith. Thaddeus can’t seem to get Ned Kaye and the butterfly fairies out of his dainty little head. Being brutalized and humiliated in front of a live studio audience tends to have that effect.

Why is Ned Kaye on Duke’s mind?

Because the last time Ned Kaye wasn’t on Duke’s mind the golden child paid for it dearly! So now Duke’s always looking over his shoulder for the Nefarious One. He’s worried, anxious, shook: and he should be. Duke already got the floor mopped with his limp body once, it would be nothing for Ned Kaye to do it to em’ again. Thaddeus Duke is absolutely right to fear the Nefarious One.

I can say that with absolute confidence.

I have faced both men in the ring. Ned Kaye is leaps and bounds a more worthy challenge to the Demos than Thaddeus Duke. Records aside, accolades aside, if we are speaking of pure skill, Ned Kaye has an undeniable edge. Ned is stronger, faster, smarter. Ned demonstrated this fact only a few days ago, and if Duke isn’t careful, Ned will demonstrate it once more at Leap of Faith.

Thaddeus Duke isn’t so tough when Jim Jimson and Corey Smith aren’t there to tip the scales.

I don’t think Corey Smith weighs very much, he’s so small! He could probably fit into my panties just fine! Wait….NOT LIKE THAT!

Demos rolls his eyes as a soft chuckle escapes from beneath his dark mask.

It’s a saying, darling.

Oh, hehe, ok! Carry on then Daddy Demos!

Oh my beautiful, beautiful Rel. So sweet and innocent.

She’s no Dolly Waters- her eyes will never stray from the one she says she loves. She won’t ‘accidentally’ find herself in the middle of a commune orgy. But of course Dolly will always be there for you, Thaddeus. You can totally rely on her to have your back through thick and thin. She won’t abandon her fealty to you as soon as she restarts her singles career and comes back to the XWF with a vengeance.

Pfft.

You’re as gullible as they come, Betsy Granger.

Oi!

Demos smacks himself on the forehead as Rel Dixon giggles from behind the camera.

I’m thinking of the OTHER person who just did a whole thing with their therapist!

My apologies, Ned Ka-wait a minute! No, no- that’s the OTHER other person who just did a string of promotional videos with their totally real therapist.

I mean, come on, you’re having schizophrenic delusions and your doctor is prescribing you marijuana? I know you can afford better health insurance than that, golden boy!

You’re going to fake a therapist and you’re carrying around a fake cane, but that’s par for the course for a fake hero. You’re not a man of the people, you’re a golden child of privilege with severe delusions. If you thought the Demos had lost touch with reality, you had better take a look in the mirror and realize what kind of man you are.

You’re a not a good person, Thaddeus. You’re a pariah, a fake prophet who leads the gullible over the edge before collecting their wallets from the cliffs below. And that dirty old cane you carry around….that damned cane.

Demos shook his head from side to side disapprovingly.

"To be frank, the illegitimacy of your grandfather’s precious cane is honest to God it’s only redeeming feature!

It would be a far worse look for your public image if that cane were truly what your abuser told you it was."

Demos squints judgmentally into the camera.

"George Washington was a cruel bastard of a man. Why would you want to carry around his wooden phallus? Washington was nothing but a conniving slaveholder obsessed with the twin devils of power and white supremacy. He did awful, terrible things with his legendary cane….

"Whaddya mean, Daddy Demos? They taught me in the asylum that George Washington was an American hero!"

"He was nothing of the sort."

"I was taught that George Washington never told a lie and helped everyone he could!"

"The ruling class hammers their lies into our minds from birth, but you will see, Rel, that you were raised on nothing but deceptions. The myths couldn’t be further from the truth. Georgey Porgey was a good for nothing dirtbag.

It was George Washington that signed the fugitive slave law. You know, the law requiring northern states to imprison runaway Africans and send them back to the plantation.

Now why would a great and honest man sign such a horrendous piece of legislation?

It’s simple, really. George didn’t want his slaves running away! Washington made a literal fortune of off enslaving other humans and selling their children for profit while the parents worked tirelessly in the fields.

Washington was hard on his slaves, you know. And he told his foremen to be even harder. He was the President of America, he said, he couldn’t afford to have unruly, disrespectful, or lazy slaves! His slaves had to work their fingers to the bone, day in and day out, to honor their ‘great and noble’ President."

"But Demos, didn’t Washington treat his slaves really nicely?!"

"No. Of course not. He was awful to his slaves. Where did you learn these lies?"

"Public school!"

Demos nods in understanding.

"Of course, of course. Our school systems are failing the children. They are underfunded and forced to regurgitate the lies of our Empire.

Let me correct your misconceptions, Rel.

George Washington didn’t just treat his slaves poorly.

George Washington didn’t just whip his slaves in the fields.

George Washington didn’t just sell the children of his slaves to faraway farms to be used as Oxen feed.

No no no no no.

George Washington also liked to rape his slaves.

"Oh my god!"

"But he didn’t want to get them pregnant like old Tommy Jefferson used to. Washington thought himself to be higher class than that, a more responsible slave owner, if you will. So Washington would never use his own phallus to assault his slaves. He couldn’t risk a conception.

So he used his cane.

The women and children he enslaved hated it, but Georgey Porgey loved it. He lavished in every moment of the tortuous pain.

Washington couldn’t get enough of it.

Washington couldn’t get enough of Ona Judge."

"Who’s Ona Judge?"

"Ona Judge was Washington’s favorite victim. She was a young slave with a bright nature and an inquisitive demeanor. And, according to the historical records, she was especially voluptuous and curvy. Washington let her live in the big house on the plantation, and when he moved to Philadelphia, Georgey Porgey made sure to bring Ona Judge with him.

But there was just one problem: Pennsylvania was a free state. Any slave who lived in Pennsylvania for six months would automatically be freed from bondage. The people of Pennsylvania were good people, they had common sense.

But George Washington was not a good person, and he was willing to trade in his common sense for the all mighty dollar. So every five months and 29 days George Washington send Ona Judge down to Vigrinia for a day, so that she would never know the sweet taste of freedom. Washington could never let Ona be free. A free woman can not be sodomized against her will with a wooden cane…..so George Washington could never let Ona be free during his lifetime.

But one afternoon, after 5 months and 29 days of being brutally assaulted, Ona Judge was on her way to Virginia so that she would continue to remain one of Washington’s sex slaves. On that fateful day...Ona became defiance itself! Ona freed herself from captivity and ran through the wilds in liberation.

George Washington was HEATED. He was angry, fuming, steam shooting out of his ears level mad. His favorite slave, running away right under his nose! He couldn’t have it. Washington himself led and organized the search party for poor Ona Judge. She ran as far as she could for as long as she could, but eventually Washington and his goons ran her down. They had their way with her before Washington locked her into a cellar, never to be heard from again.

But the rumor is that Washington would go down to that cellar and visit Ona Judge every week. Some say that the tapping of Washington’s wooden cane against the creaking staircase can still be heard in his old Philadelphia home to this day.

Poor, poor Ona Judge.

Why would your carry around such a heinous artifact, Thaddeus Duke?

I know why your grandfather would want to keep that cane. Your father’s father was a sick man who relished in pain and suffering. But Duke, what pleasure would you take from that cane? What value could it have to you?

Of course, many suspect that your cane is a fake. It would be par for the course with you, after all.

But Duke, what if the cane is real? Think about it. Your grandfather had connections across the world. Do you really think it would be so hard for him to purchase George Washington’s rape cane with the donations from his congregation?

Or perhaps the relic really is fake, and perhaps the billions and billions of dollars you claim to have are nothing but hot air as well. If your grandfather was a known liar, and your father is easily manipulated, well, what are you, Thaddeus? Which genes did you receive? It doesn’t matter, your bloodline will end tomorrow night either way.

You are just like your grandfather, Thaddeus: a vile and disgusting shell of a man. You know this truth as well as anyone. Your grandfather deceived the masses, he exploited everyone he could. He was manipulative, deceitful, barbaric. He was the kind of man who murders mothers and fondles their children. That’s what he did to you and yours, isn’t it, Duke?

Did he use Washington’s cane on you?

Is that why you carry it with you so much? Because of all the sentimental meaning?

I’ll be sure to shove that cane up your ass on Wednesday night so you can get another meeting with your grand daddy!"

"You’re crazy enough to actually do it, Demos!"

"I plan on it!"

"Just like you said you were going to string Thad up in a noose from a ladder!"

"Exactly right, baby."




EARLIER THAT DAY



“I’ve never had a first date like this before!”


“I’ve never had a first date before….I didn’t know what we should do. I hope you find this acceptable.”

“This is awesome!”




Demos smiled and nodded at Rel as the two walked side by side with legions of peaceful demonstrators.

“Leve Palestina, krossa sionismen!”

“This solidarity is truly a remarkable sight to behold!”

“Leve Palestina, krossa sionismen!”

“What?! I can’t hear you!”

“Leve Palestina, krossa sionismen!”

Demos slowed to a halt and leaned in close to Rel Dixon as the people marching behind the couple calmly and smoothly carried on marching around them.

“I said this solidarity is truly a remarkable sight to behold!”

“Free Free Palestine! Free Free Gaza!”

“I can’t hear you!”

Rel Dixon motioned towards her ears as she screamed into the masked face of the Demos.

“WHAT?! Rel, I can’t hear you!”

“That’s what I just said!”

“Leve Palestina, krossa sionismen!”

“Huh?”

Rel Dixon threw her hands in the air in dramatic frustration. Demos looked at Rel with confusion before turning to look at the chanting marchers streaming the odd couple. Demos motioned for Rel to join him in marching once more, but Rel’s eyes were elsewhere. The woman with the aggressively alternative hairstyle and skimpy outfit was scanning the buildings lining the street. Demos went to nudge Rel on the shoulder to get her attention, but just before his hand made contact with her arm she yelled out excitedly while pointing to an abandoned apartment building just down the block.

“Let’s go watch the rest of the march from there, Damesies! That will be a great place to see the speech from!”

Demos followed the pointed finger with his eyes. When he set his sights upon the rundown apartment complex a slight smile poked out from underneath his mask. Demos nodded his head up and down in enthusiastic approval of Rel’s plan.

“That is a great idea! It is the perfect romantic vantage point!”

“Leve Palestina, krossa sionismen!”

“What?! I can’t hear you again! Come on, follow me!”

Rel Dixon grabs Demos by the collar roughly and starts walking towards the decrepit multistory building down the block. Demos offered no resistance as he let the much smaller woman literally drag him out of the marching crowd and onto the mostly empty sidewalk. Rel looked back at Demos with a playful smile as she released her grip on his unusually clean shirt.

“You like a woman that takes charge, huh? I always thought so. If you flip Demos around you can practically spell BDSM! And if I flip Demos around, I could definitely DO some BDSM!”

Rel winked at Demos as he tried to figure out Rel’s spelling conventions. The mostly undressed woman gently smacked Demos on the chest to get his attention back.

“Come on, let’s get to that VIP lounge before our seats are stolen!”

Rel Dixon raced down the sidewalk leaving Demos in her dust. The masked man chuckled softly as he watched the playful woman sprint down the sidewalk adjacent to the marching demonstrators. Demos exhaled softly as fluttering butterflies began to overtake his stomach.

“I haven’t had fun like this in a long ti-....well….ever. Haha!”

Demos tucked his chin and started running after Rel Dixon as the scantily clad woman screamed with jubilation.

“Oh my god!”

“Look at that homeless man chasing after that e-girl!”

“He’s going to rape her!”

“We have to stop him!”

“We have to do something!”

The crowd begins throwing rocks and bottles at Demos as Rel Dixon tucks into the doorway of the abandoned building down the road. Demos carries on running after her, albeit at a slower pace. Demos brings his hands up to his face to shield himself from the crowd's misguided rocketfire.

"He's not slowing down!"

"He's a big one!"

"Get him!"

Demos tries to put distance between himself and the agitated members of the crowd, but it's no use! A large man comes out of the crowd and tackles Demos to the ground! A few more men jump into the fray and start landing stiff kicks upon the Demos!

"You rapist scum!"

"Don't chase after young girls you creep!"

"Take this, fatfuck!"

"I. WILL. DEFEND. MYSELF!"

Demos had taken enough of the crowd's misdirected attacks. The masked man jumped to his feet before delivering insane karate chop action to his attackers. Demos chopped one man in the chest, sending him flying back into the crowd. Another man tried to punch Demos, but Demos deflected the blow before delivering an open hand palm attack to the man's chest that sent him flying against a wall. A third man tried to kick Demos in the nuts, but Demos clenched his knees together just in time to prevent his assailants leg from reaching even his thighs. The man looked at Demos, equal parts stunned and horrified. Demos lifted a finger in the air and wagged it from side to side before releasing his knees and pimpslapping the man to the ground.

A few more men circled warily around Demos as Rel Dixon ran back to the scene. Rel pushed her way through the circling attackers before throwing herself in front of Demos as a human shield.

"Please, please! Don't fight him! It's going to ruin our night if he gets arrested!"

"He's a rapist!"

"She must have stockholm syndrome!"

"No, no, no you people have it all wrong! This man is my mentally disabled brother! That's why he runs so slow and so funny! You don't want to fight him, you'll only get hurt! He has STRENGTH!"

A collective gasp escaped from the lips of the circling attackers. The men turned to look at each other before they all looked back to the masked man. Demos looked down at Rel Dixon in confused offense.

"I'm sorry!"

"We didn't know!"

"It's ok, it happens all the time! Now, you all had better get back in line with the march so we can all go see that guy's speech!"

"Yeah! Miko Peled is going to be awesome!"

The attackers turned away from Demos and worked their way back into the marching crowd, except for the select unfortunate few who felt the brunt of Demos's karate moves.

"Why did you say that to those people! That's not true!"

"It worked, didn't it?!"

"You could have just told them we were on a date!"

"Ohhh I hope I didn't offend you, Daddy Demos! I didn't mean to! It's just that if I said we were on a date they would think you were my kidnapper and I had been brainwashed! I only did what I had to keep you from having to hurt more people....although that shit would have been fun to see! Fuck....I shouldn't have even said anything!"

Demos looked to Rel Dixon before looking back down to the men laying in pain on the ground. Demos sighed as he turned back to his date.

"Perhaps you are right. Collateral damage is always regrettable. If all it takes to avoid unnecessary bloodshed is a bruise upon my ego, it is best for humanity that I absorb the blow."

"That's right, baby! Blow, now we're talking! You got some or are you asking me for some?!"

"What's that, Rel?"

Demos looked in confusion at Rel Dixon, who merely giggled before grabbing Demos by the arm and rushing him towards the abandoned apartment building down the block.

"Let's hurry up and get to that make out point!"

Demos stopped dead in his tracks as Rel spoke of physical intimacy. He raised an eyebrow at Rel Dixon as he spoke.

"Make out point?"

"Yeah, that building's a perfect shag palace! No one is going to be in there, and I bet there's probably some left over furniture, and maybe even a few needles!"

Demos took a quick step back from Rel before he calmly waved away her arousal.

"I am not sure what kind of man you think I am, Rel, but physical mashing is not on my mind during a first date. I am a revolutionary, a guided missile in service of the proletarian revolution. I do not view women as mere objects for sexual pleasure, and what was this about needles? We need to get to know each other far better before any form of 'making out' shall occur. I would never think to reduce you to an object to stand in for my own projected desires. I have no intention of reducing you to mere wet flesh. I thought this march would make an excellent first date because it would allow us to get an understanding for how each of us perceives the world and relates to the downtrodden. I thought we could intellectually provoking conversation as we listened to the wise words of great orators. I thought we could, perhaps, if the night goes smoothly, calmly embrace each other, and perhaps gently sway side to side, as a way to demonstrate our growing fondness."

"Uhhhh yeahh ok whatever you say dude, you were the one just talking about blowing and stuff, but I'm not going to pressure you. I've been there before."

Rel Dixon holds her hands up innocently. She looks at Demos, then back to the apartment building. Demos noticed her intermittent glancing and spoke up with confidence.

"Would you like to accompany me to that decrepit four story shack down the road? I agree with you that it could make a fine location to watch Peled's speech from."

Demos offered his arm out to Rel. She smiled, laughed, and then threw her hair back before putting her arm inside of Demos's arm. The unlikely couple walked down to the apartment building before dipping through the open doorway and out of the scene.